The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been noticing a lot of raw emotions surfacing lately, likely a result of trying to let go and detach. Without trying to control I am free to feel things and boy, am I feeling things. I don't mind it so much as long as they don't surface at inappropriate times...which they seem to. My mother visited yesterday and I'm actively trying to detach and accept her as she is but after a few hours I got very depressed and had to actively fight against it to make it through her overnight visit. Sometimes I find it unacceptable to eliminate all contact with her, sometimes desirable. The strange thing is there wasn't really an incident that set me off, just an overwhelming sadness in her presence. I went out to dinner with her and my AH and had the thought of...wow, these two people have caused me some of the most difficult heartbreak I've ever experienced and I don't know how to deal. I've also been very tired all week and I'm sure that is a factor.
And of course, through it all I kept thinking "you have control over how you feel and your situation". I just couldn't seem to put that into practice.
Thanks for listening and any feedback would be welcome.
My thoughts are with you Mollyowl27. I feel,that some days are worse than others, and it's hard to believe that we really can control our emotions. I need to practice my mediation more at times like these, although I can't quite make a habit of this. I would like to offer more, but the most I can do right now is thoughts and prayers. Hang in there Mo. Tomorrow is a new day! (((Hugs)))
__________________
KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
Hey Molly! As I have no idea what it is like to have alcoholic parents, mine were perfect ideal parents, I do know what it is like to have an AH, the person you married, gave your life to, etc . It is truly a disappointment. All I have learned Molly is that people will disappoint, God will not. Out HP will never disappoint! While listening to your post, I welcome you, (I a new here too) but listen to your heart my love. Listen to what it is telling you.
Hi Molly working the 4th through 11th Step will help to address/ acknowledge the negative anger, resentment, self pity and fear from the past It works so keep coming back.
Hi Molly,
There is an acronym in Al Anon that is called HALT If you are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired they recommend that you HALT and take care of that basic need immediately. I never used to pay any attention as to how any of these conditions affected my ability to function or process things. I struggle with insomnia and on days where I didn't sleep much the night before I am a basket case. I am not my best self yet I still expect that I should be able to carry on and function the same as always. When I'm tired I can't always take a nap. I usually have to carry on with my day. But I can remind myself I am tired and I can defer any major decisions and I can remember that my thoughts and feelings that day might be distorted by my fatigue.
I also feel like when I first started to detach or let go I felt that way too. It was almost depressing to come to the realization that I really couldn't change anyone but myself because now I felt like I had to live with all the flaws I saw in the people I loved LOL. and BOY did I not want to accept that. The other side of that though was although I had spent a lot of time allowing those people (my mother and my AH included) to effect me the good news was that I didn't have to be the victim anymore. As much as I like to believe I am a victim I can realize that they didn't do these things "To Me". That was kind of freeing for me. To let go of the responsibility for the behaviour of others. Keep coming back. I hope you are feeling better today.
Hey Molly - I can relate to the raw emotions. In my experience, the negative actions/reactions I used to mask my feelings, thoughts, etc. and pretend as if things weren't as bad as they were caused me to put up a bunch of walls.....as I began to embrace recovery and starting looking at me, my wants, my needs, my lack of peace, my part in all this, I too felt many things that seemed to rise to the surface. While I was focused outwardly, I was always placing blame on my qualifiers, their actions, their reactions, their choices, etc. I truly thought I was 'fine' and they were at fault.
What I've come to find out is that is not the case. When I surrendered, I could see how I played a part. My anger and resentment began to fade and in it's place came sadness, grief, shame and more. This is a part of healing I believe as if we can't see our part, separate the person from the disease and love ourselves, we can't move forward. As I worked on me through the steps, I had a ton of shame for blaming all that had gone wrong on 'them'. As my fog cleared, I could see times in the past where had I been healthier, I would have made healthier choices.
So - where you are is not a 'bad place' - it's just another step in the process of self-discovery. One thing Betty (hotrod) suggests often is a daily gratitude list + a daily asset list. We can't change anything we've done or that has happened in the past. However, when we truly look at what's working now vs. what's not working and focus on how we can use what we've been given to be/do/act better, it's a mood lifter!
Keep coming back - know that we're here and it's about one day at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Inga - Thanks for your input and the warm welcome, it's very helpful :)
YARNCRAZY - I do need to give myself a break more often, thanks for the reminder.
hotrod - I will look to those steps, thanks for pointing me in the right direction, I always enjoy hearing from you!
KT2015 - Wow...yes, I think it has made me quite sad to recognize I have no control and I didn't realize it. I think I've been motivated to control others for attention from a young age (because I received so little). So, letting go of that feels.....terrifying and very sad. But ultimately I know it's a far healthier way to live. Thanks for that HALT acronym, I love that and will keep that in mind :)
Iamhere - Yes, those walls are def coming down! Maybe I am just overwhelmed by the sheer volume of emotion and needs arising. I also find it hard to let my walls down while living with my AH, because then I get so upset/reactive. I suppose the next step is learning to let go and detach but still deal with the trauma and feelings of the past/present. Thank you for your response :)
Hey Molly, I can really relate to this story, my dad being an alcoholic and my mom having lots of issues as a result of that
Sometimes I talk to my parents only because I feel responsible, as they brought me up and gave me the life they did - even if not perfect at times. I try to think they won't be here forever, and that all I can do is try to be there for them, but also set healthy boundaries
I don't know if that helps, but it's definitely helped me to cut off contact on days when i feel depressed and miserable, and perhaps come up with an excuse why I can't be there. Other days, when I have more strength, I make the time as its my parents
I try to avoid resentment and love them unconditionally as "kindness is the highest form of wisdom"
__________________
"A broken heart. An aching soul. The endless piercing pain. But stop a while. Go within. Why is love to blame? Love is selfless. Love is kind. And Like the dawn of day, it breaks the night To shine its light Upon the higher way."
