Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Inga · Veteran Member

RE: Women of Long Term Marriages

Jaclyn · Senior Member

As an unmarried newcomer in a lot of pain, I'd like to echo the sentiments of MissMeliss... To judge the suffering others by one's perception of the significance of a relationship is judgemental at best, offensive and alienating

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Sent last post too soon. Continued: "... offensive and alienating at worst." Thank you to MissMeliss for defending all Al Anon members.

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jaclyn,
I had a similar feeling when I read the first post that it could be interpreted as offensive and alienating. The beauty of the Al Anon program is that everyone is welcome. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem with alcohol in a relative or a friend. Everyone has their own struggles. There is no judgement in Al Anon. Those views expressed were only representative of the person who gave them. I have been married for 11 years to my AH. I am not very religious and I am currently working on staying with my AH and making things work for me. The person I learned most from was a woman in my face to face group who was divorced from her AH and a very religious person. She was the last person I thought I would learn anything from. She has helped me so much with the compassion piece and the concept of let go and let God. She gives me such helpful support. What helped me in Al anon was hearing drastically different perspectives on things. I was fortunate to adopt the slogan "keep an open mind" early and use it often. Welcome to the board and keep coming back.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Inga,
I have been married to the same man since 1971.

My hubby was progressing normally in his disease until 2000 when he got a DUI. He found AA and I found AlAnon after that. Before that I was living the same married life as most of the people on this board. I did not have physical abuse but mental and emotional abuse was there. I like to say I was the meaning of the word "bitch" in every sentence structure.... noun, verb, adverb, adjective. I learned to really believe that my AH left the marriage long before I realized that he was gone. I was then free of any guilt for harming the marriage. I understand "til death" vows, but it applys to normal marriages and normal people. This is not normal sickness. This is mental illness.

He got cancer really bad in 2007 and was given only a couple of months to live. He never called me a b*** during that time. He did live and is still alive today, but the personality of his alcoholic self comes out too often. In the Big Book of AA, alcoholics are called selfish and self-centered to the extreme. I learned to always to listen to what he said and filter it in my mind with "what's in it for him", and then I would understand what he said and what he really means.

I was a stay at home mom too, but during that time I also finished my college degree. The AH was a very successful businessman and ran quite a few businesses. We did not hurt for money, ever. But I was not happy. I was isolated. I had no self-esteem even though I got A's in college..... the AH told me that my major was too easy (biology).... and I believed him. I was told that raising 4 kids and 5 foster teenagers was not "real work", and I believed him. I put him on a pedestal where he did not belong and, frankly, it was unfair of me to put him there. No one could live up to it. But I believed in him until he showed me in no uncertain terms that I should not. My learning that lesson was full of denial on my part.

I went to AlAnon with the intention of getting happy again. It works.

-- Edited by maryjane on Tuesday 26th of January 2016 03:53:15 PM

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 26th of January 2016 04:29:50 PM

sunnysara · Newbie

Hello,

This is the first time on here and my first posting..

So here we go...

I have been married for 17 years and I've finally woke up and realized the power of my husbands alcohol problem.

For years and years I've begged, pleaded, bargained and cried an endless amount of tears for him to stop drinking and to make us his priority. At times, when he came home from work he couldn't even stand up.

Seven years ago I even grew the balls and left him and took the kids. However I wasn't ready and threw myself into a dangerous spiral of smoking a lot and drinking (I hate drinking). I begged him to come back and because it was all my fault. I left him and tore the family apart and this was my fault. Honestly the real real reason I wanted him back, was because I knew he was entertaining an old girlfriend and I got jealous. How dare this girl get the great part of my husband and me sit here with hurt, pain and resentment. Why!! So, I begged and made it my fault. I apologized endlessly and lucky me he agreed to come back.

So, seven years later things haven't gotten any better. It's seemed that every week I'd ask him to calm things down and he'd agree and would for a few days then. . . boom. . . the cycle would start again.

A month ago I was very upset and voiced my concerns to him and he once again agreed and promised that he'd stop he has a plan. He'd only drink on his days off... the very next day I came in from work and there he was....drunk. I felt something pop. As if my heart closed down. My love for him died at that instant. I had hate for him. I wanted him out. I became broken. Just looking at him and him knowing what he has done to me and telling me that he loves me.... Which I replied I don't think you do!?

Years of being manipulated into thinking I was responsible for each member of my family. I was allowed to go out but get questioned on who, what and where was I. It became so that I just stopped going out because I feared coming home and getting the guilt treatment. I had to take the kids with me so they can watch over me. I work literally 7 minutes away and I technically get off at 5pm and he calls me at 515pm wondering where I am and why Im late.

I came home the other day and saw the beer bottle and asked how much have you had to drink and he said plenty. BUT. . he had an epiphany. He said that me and the kids are all he has. His mom died 2 years ago, he has no friends in town, he's a workaholic and he's depressed. We're all he has and he knows that he's about to lose us. Which is true. . He said he needed rehab (only a week though cause of work). I told him that it was his decision and choice on how he wants this to continue. However I can no longer live like this and refuse to get hurt anymore. I need my space and freedom and started going to Al Anon. Of course he asked if someone went with me?

I'm trying. . .Im trying to do the steps and learn how to live for me. How I can better myself and keep myself sane for me and my kids. I have no idea whats going to happen to us but I like to say one day at a time and It is what it is.

I cant cry anymore and I need rebuild the broken heart I have.

Im finding it difficult to find how to act around him. . any advise

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome sunnysara I am glad you have found alanon face to face meetings and are attending. Keep on showing up for yourself, get a sponsor work the Steps, use the slogans and all of your questions will be answered,

I appreciate your honesty and would just like to affirm that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. We who live with the disease develops many negative coping tools ( as you have indicated) and we need a program of recovery of our own so as to regain our self esteem and ability to respond and stop reacting.

Keep the focus on yourself, live one day at a time, treat everyone with courtesy and respect, do not blame or judge others, us the serenity prayer and you will be well on your way to recovery ,

Keep coming back here as well--- You are not alone.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This reads like a girly post meeting and I know honestly that I am part of it and have ESH to share along with long time serenity gained with the love and compassion of the women in the program. My relationship with God/HP and my marriage with the alcoholic/addict. it was my second marriage and so to be married in the church there we had lots of steps and accomplishments to have it recognized however long story short was that a discussion of alcoholism never came up which was most important. The alcoholism was there from the start so it didn't stand much of a chance however there was one point where I thought that if we built a practice in the church we would be fine. So I packed her up with the kids and dressed in our Sunday finest and went to mass. It didn't take 5 minutes as I knelt down and faced the alter I heard HP as "What is she doing here"? and I got the full point of the question. It wasn't her choice...it was mine and we were still done. I continued to study and learned how very powerful the disease is in the mind, body, spirit and emotions and I stopped trying to control outcomes only own my own consequences. This was not in any way share or form about successful marriage because unbeknownst to either of us at that time we were practicing the disease whether we were religious. We more religiously practice alcoholism than anything else. God was not please and certainly not any more happy with us than we were.

The current marriage is just over 23 years old. It started in the program and has continued with them and we still need the program to stay closer together. Keep coming back.

I also understand that the issue is very important and still here my former sponsor's voice instructing me to "Don't React". ((((hugs)))) wink

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 26th of January 2016 05:43:23 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP sunnysara - I too am glad that you found us and glad that you shared. It's an awesome start that you found Al-Anon meetings and that you are attending. My experience with the disease is we all (the alcoholic and the family members) develop bad habits - all of which are detrimental to the structure of cohesion. In my home, we all had a part and yet all wanted to direct and control the outcomes. It doesn't work well, it doesn't work at all.

When one or more seek recovery, those roles change which causes it to seem worse before it gets better. As I grew stronger and my mind cleared and I better understood the disease, I was better able to find ways to work within and even be at peace in spite of the disease and the diseased. There are so many tools in Al-Anon to help you deal with, live with, detach from and finally accept the actions of others. It just takes time and work, but the results are beyond words.

In the meantime, the best I can share is to put you first. Before the program, when I got up, my mind went to what day was it, is there school, are there after-school events, dinner, appointments, etc. Since I started the program, when I get up, I start with a quick prayer and then I consider what I need/want to do and populate other's needs after I consider my own. It felt strange in the beginning, but it's become my new habit of self-care. I enjoy reading daily readers, bubble baths, exercising, etc. and load in appointments, laundry, meals, bills, etc. AFTER I consider me.

So - put you first, be gentle with yourself and stay present. The answers always come in time and it gets easier as you work the program and embrace the tools!

Keep coming back - you're worth it!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry I know that I reasoned that we vowed to," love honor and cherish" each other and since that had flown out the window, who was I kidding that I wanted to maintain my vows . :(
Today's relationship of 28 years is built on program principles, as is your marriage and I cherish it.

annie5079 · Member

Hi, I lived through a drinking relationship and marriage, it got worse when we married, then the affairs then more drinking, I became codependant and then started Alanon, I am working the steps and my husband is at AA, after a short while I became frustrated , he was going to meetings and then hiding his drinking ,( we have been living apart since august due to him having an affair with his ex, ) due to my frustration of him not doing what he was supposed to do I reported him to a social worker who insisted he gave up drinking or he couldnt have his children unsupervised, he had crashed a car with them drunk driving previously, he hated me for being a snitch, but \Im glad I did it for his childrens sake, I am struggling now as he asked for a divorce at christmas and said he wanted to be just friends, that I was his best friend, which made me feel responsible for him..... although its really hard and I married in the eyes of the Lord , which means so much to me ! I am now having to think I must focus on myself, if I sort myself out and dont argue and cause petty rows because I am angry phaps there will be hope, who can tell, all I know now is our marriage/relationship became toxic because of drink and drugs and that is NOT how I want to or can live any more, I want to live in a happy safe enviroment, without worry of what im coming home to ..... we all deserve to be happy, all I can hope for is that God brings him back to me one day when we are both individual people who remain best friends but married without drink..

jocelgp · Senior Member

Hi Inga,

I understand where you're coming from, I too am a catholic, I understand your dilemma. I'm married to a binge drinker for 20 years now and there was never a year when I did not think of separating from him. In fact I came to Al-anon with the mind set that I needed a support group when I will finally decide to separate from him. I still am married to the same man, he still thinks he's not an alcoholic, he's still hopeful I will accpet it, see it and live his way. But there's no denying I can't, I really am affected by his drinking. Al-anon has taught me how to cope, I am not saying I will not separate no matter what. I learned to set boundaries for myself for my well being. Easy does it, Just for Today, Let Go and Let God! We don't know what the future holds for us but keep the faith that God is holding that future for us. So far, things are getting better for me, I'm not sure about our marriage, but at least now I am having a better perspective of things, I got back the confidence in myself (living with an alcoholic and trying to control things, the frustrations and despair made me lose a lot of self worth, caused me a lot of self pity). I believe there's three parties in the sacrament of marriage: me, my husband and God. At this point, I lift up to God our marriage, for Him to do as He wills to me and to my husband. I think one of the 12 steps deals on meditation and prayer, that has helped me a lot!

Hugs,
Jocel

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Inga: I have been married nearly 17 yrs w nearly 2 yes separated. It has had its ups & downs. We are both in recovery. Me 30 years & he 9 1/2. He has been through so much hr almost died due to drinking gambling & smoking. Also he has bipolar disorder & so do I. But our main issue is just to get along w each other. He says we argue all the time. I don't agree. W God in the center of our lives we remain sober & serene & have a chance at true happiness. Kathleen

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

I pretty much repeated myself. I thought I remembered your post. Things are basically the same but he a lot nicer. I am glad that I reposted. Actually I am a lot happier since January. Thanks for making me think. Kathleen

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene