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Hello all, this is my first time posting - but I am not unfamiliar with Al-anon or codependency.
I feel like I have a lot to say and ask but I'm going to try and keep this short and to the point.
My mom has been an alcoholic my entire life (I'm 28) and way before I was born, but things have gotten severely worse over the years since I have moved out. I feel like I have been doing doing every "right" thing I can do - I do not guilt her, I am supportive, I do not enable, etc. I used to be very controlling, which I have learned over the years is bad, and I have stopped. When she gets really bad off I don't try and control her and tell her what she should or shouldn't do, and I just let her know I'm there for her.
She has been in and out of the hospital in January-March 2014 and November 2014-January 2015 where she almost died and went into liver failure both times. She does not have cirrhosis, yet, but they say that she could cross that invisible line any day. Her last hospital trip she had alcohol induced hepatic encephalopathy where she was hallucinating, confused, had memory loss etc. She gets so sick that she stops even getting up to use the bathroom and has to wear diapers and is unable to even sit up. Some might wonder how she gets this bad - and it's because my stepfather continues to buy her wine/vodka even when she is in that state. He severely enables her (he is also an alcoholic - they met in an AA meeting a long time ago). I know that ultimately she is the one who picks up the drink and drinks it, but I hold him liable for what happens to her because he keeps giving it to her when she is in that deteriorating state and wouldn't be able to get it herself. I told him last year that if I caught him buying it for her again, especially as she falls into that deteriorating state, that I would call social services / adult protective services on him. My sister and I tried doing it last year but she was taken to the hospital shortly after that so they seemed to have 'dropped the case'. The woman we spoke with said he can go to jail for up to 5 years for doing what he is doing. I also want to clarify that he has pretty much helped raised me since I was 5 years old, has always been there for me and my sister, and I love him, but I know that he lies and I hate that he is essentially "killing" my mom.
Anyways, she was in the hospital exactly a year ago, survived, took a month to relearn how to walk and use the bathroom on her own again, and went home. She had a record sobriety (her previous records were 3 months) and went to Smart Recovery meetings, but stopped going back to the meetings in July and had picked up drinking again. She also went back into her isolation, depression, and went to a psychiatrist who prescribed her klonopins of all things, for her "anxiety" even though they saw her history of addiction. So - here we are today - my sister and I know she has been drinking, but we didn't know how bad things are. We talk to my mom every day. She denies drinking, and just says she is tried, but we can hear it. My sister (7 months pregnant) decided to drive down to my moms house today without her knowledge to pop in and see how bad things really are. I find out that she can barely walk, is wearing diapers again, and is drinking heavily. I KNOW my stepdad is buying it for her because she can't even get up to use the bathroom and she is terrified of leaving the house. My mom admits he gets it for her and he denies it. And here we are - a few days before Thanksgiving, and they are supposed to come to my house to meet my fiancee's family.
I just don't know what to do. This all feels so out of my control. This is exactly where I was a year ago, and when my sister and I called an ambulance for my mom (she had jaundice) and was in diapers and couldn't walk, my mom screamed at the ambulance crew and said she denies them to pick her up and take her to the hospital. So they left. She eventually let my stepdad take her to the hospital and they told us they didn't know if she would make it. She was in the ICU for a week and they weren't sure if she would recover. It took her over a month just to relearn how to walk. I'm so scared that this is all happening again, that she will refuse help, and then it will be too late. I feel like my sister an I can't handle this all over again, for the 3rd time. When she is in the hospital we are by her side, every single day, helping her and encouraging her recovery. It hurts us so much to see her so sick and weak.
So my questions to you all are - what do I do about my stepdad??? He is my father, and he is a good father, and I don't want to see him go to jail - that would kill me. But it also kills me that he is helping my mom get into this state, whereas if he didn't help her she would have to stay 'well enough' to go to the store herself to get alcohol and would still be walking and in much better health than she is now. Any advice? Comforting thoughts? I feel like I am losing years off my life with the emotional toll this takes on me. I can't even imagine how my sister is feeling, who is going through what I'm going through right now but is about to have a baby on top of it all.
I could really use some love and support and I appreciate any you all can give me.
Hello Chelsea Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am sorry that your mom is in such a difficult place and so understand your concern and anxiety.
Remembering that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic,fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured helped me to accept the fact that I was powerless over this disease an needed to find emotional support for myself.
Alanon face to face meetings that are held in most communities offered this support. It was here I was given new tools to live by and an acceptance of life on life's terms, I learned how to stop fighting where I had no control or influence and to trust a Higher Power with outcomes.
A word about your step dad buying the alcohol. Please know that alcoholics are very resourceful and will find a way to get the alcohol they need. My son did not need anyone to go to the store for him as they delivered.
The alanon hot line number is in the white pages and I urge you to attend
Please keep coming back her as well There is hope
This is very tough. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
It certainly does not sound as if the Thanksgiving visit is going to work out as one might hope.
I have one question for you, but not for you to answer "out loud," just something to ask yourself. I wonder if your fiancé is a heavy drinker?
I just wonder because we have a way of losing perspective and thinking certain amounts of drinking are normal, and repeating patterns. And I would hate to see you going through similar worrying and caretaking in the future. Right now is terrible enough.
Your stepfather is very ill, to the point of insanity.
What you do next is a judgment call, because I think there's no one right answer.
My own choice would be to call the authorities on him. My guess is that he won't spend any time in jail at all. But anything that slows down the process will make you feel better and not as if you "let it happen," and who knows, maybe slowing it down will bring benefits.
That's just my personal choice and someone else' s could be very different. I hope you will get lots of support during this difficult time.
Welcome to MIP Chelsea - glad you found us and glad you shared. So very sorry for the pain and drama that appears to be raising up - this disease is so unknowing.....I truly have no advice for you beyond doing the best you can to detach from the insanity and work on you. If an alcoholic chooses to stay active instead of recovery, any/all offer of assistance is just a waste of energy, emotion and time.
No amount of love, caring, pleading, threats, etc. has ever changed the behavior of one of my qualifiers. That same 'energy' has not worked for their enablers either. I have just had to work on me, embrace this program and set boundaries that keep me as protected from the disease as possible.
This disease is a family disease and all who love or live with the alcoholic are typically affected and consumed with the drama/chaos. I hope you can find some local support by going to Al-Anon meetings in your area.
I think it goes without saying that your Thanksgiving will be much different than you planned. Prayers that you can find a way to enjoy your holiday and avoid the disease by detaching, one day at a time.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
