The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband of 36 years has relapsed after 10 years of sobriety. He lost his coal mining job last year around this time due to failing a drug test. He had smoked a joint after a softball game and as luck would have it he was tested the next day. I have been caring for my Mother who is in a nursing home for Alzheimers and my 87 year old father. Despite knowing the adage people, places and things he continues to play softball with partiers and for those 10 years he was able to refrain from using or drinking. He like all addicts is extremely self-centered and when he wasn't the constant focus became needy and started up with his old ways. After rehab I used to joke with people that he never saw a drink he didn't want to guzzle, a drug he didn't want to use or a woman he didn't want to have. I work full time and he has yet to find another job so he has free time to do as he pleases. I began to resent this childish behavior when he lost his job and now it is full out hate. Last night he didn't come home because he was too drunk to drive. He needs help but I don't really want to go through all of this again, it's just too much. The hate is eating me up and making me a very ugly person. I hate God for what he has done to my parents and what he has done to make every turn of my adult life difficult.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Daze. I am so very sorry to read of your difficult situation and so understand your anger, and pain. At one time in my life I too hated GOD for the pain and suffering that I was enduring attempting to live with the disease of alcoholism. You are not alone. I did find alanon and learned that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured That living with the disease, I developed many destructive coping tools that hurt me as I attempted to live a constructive life.
. I also learned that I was powerless over the disease and that I did not cause it, cannot control it an cannot cure it. I could find help for myself and shed the hate, anger, resentment and fear that I carried about.
I needed to search out alanon face to face meeting and attend. I needed to then pick up the simple tools offered and use them to free myself from the negative emotions that trapped me.
It worked. I urge you to do the same. Meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please keep coming back here as well I
Thank you so much for your kind words hotrod. Funny thing is when he came out of rehab, I had the courage and conviction to say No More and he knew it. This last bout of life has really hit me though and I can't find me any more and I am physically sick over it. I have never been to a meeting and have never felt the need to because I used to be in control of myself. I looked up meetings in my area and the choices were extremely limited and between working and taking care of my old people I am not sure when I would go. That's the reason I am trying this chat room. I have a feeling my parents and husband will outlive me.
Hi Daze! So glad you found MIP! You will find so much wisdom, strength and familiarity here. First off, I'm sorry for your situation. It is hard enough dealing with an alcoholic spouse, let alone ailing parents and everything else adult life throws at us. I don't have an answer to your question as to "how do you stop hating?", but I will tell you Al Anon can help you start working on you and focusing much less on your AH. Face to face meetings are great, if you have that option available to you, but this board is also a wonderful resource and there are online meetings here as well.
I also struggle with resentment towards my AH. His progressive alcoholism is ruining us and our business and he is in denial about it, although every once in a while he will admit that he has a problem. The struggle with resentment for me is a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back process...I will do really well for a while and the boom! it all hits me and I'm right back to "angry all the time". The way I see it, this is something only I can change with the help of my HP (higher power) because I know my AH is more than likely not going to turn into the sober, fun person I married so long ago (I see less and less of that person, sadly...my AH has to drink to feel normal now so there is hardly ever sober moments with him anymore and if there are, he is an absolute nightmare to be around)
What really helps me is reading daily "courage to change" "one day at a time in Al Anon" and "hope for Tomorrow", 3 very little books from Al Anon that help me in a very big way with daily reminders that keep me on track in my program. I think, for me, it will finally come down to "what am I willing to live with?" and honestly I'm not sure that I can live with the alcoholism. I'm trying, one day at a time. Anyway, way too much about me...I hope you will find MIP as helpful as I have - you are among friends here. :)
Welcome to MIP {{Daze}} glad you found us and had the courage to share. I too am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time and it is understandable that you would be so angry and hate. You have a lot going on with your parents and your AH, so it is easy to see how all these worries are creating such chaos for you and it is hard to think. As Betty (Hotrod) advised, Al-anon meetings would be the best way for you to start to take back you sanity and life back, but if you cannot physically attend a local group meeting, you can participate in any of the two daily group meetings held on this forum. To get to this meetings/times click on the button at the top left of this screen. Please consider starting to work the 12-steps of Al-anon, they will give you the tools you need to cope and change your perspective about your alcoholic husband, believe me they are a life changer. We learn right off the bat that we did not cause the drinking, we cannot change the drinker and we cannot cure the drinker, it is up to them, we have to focus on ourselves and leave your husband in the hands of his own HP. You can get to the 12-steps to work them by clicking the button at the top right of this screen. Please continue to come back and talk with us anytime. You are not alone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
After reading your posts, I cried and I needed to because I haven't cried in years. It is so hard being the "strong" one all the time and brushing of the seriousness of my situation with humor. I have dear friends and a wonderful son but do not feel that I can share with them because they have their own problems. Thank you all so much for allowing me to feel again.
I have to ask you Fairlee, how are you coping with you H being involved in your business. I didn't work until my son was 7 and really needed my H's income to support him. I still don't make that much, I am a special ed. aide but am considering selling our home and getting my own place. I know that decisions like this should never be made out of anger but that's really the only emotion I am channeling now.
Daze, we are self-employed and he is the main "wheel" in the business. I haven't been out in the "real" workforce in 20 years and I am looking at having to go back and the thought terrifies me because my earning potential will be so low...and we live in a very rural place where I will have to travel an hour to work. Being self-employed has not been a good thing as my AH's disease progresses. He obviously cannot get fired, so he drinks the whole time he is working (the business is not at home) and he brushes things under the rug (like talking to the banker) and then I wake up and we are in a terrible bind...it's awful and I think a majority of my fear is security because I worry I cannot make it on my own (we have 3 teenagers) Reality is I need to just bite the bullet and get out there and see what I can do...this is part of MY disease that keeps me trapped :( I think it is good that you Re at least looking at your option. Stuck is not. Good place to be no I think it holds us in our resentment.
When we work on resentment, which is unrelenting anger, we lose
the fear that hold us back from thinking clearly. Nothing worse than
being in constant fear. We start by understanding the disease of
alcohlism. What the alcoholic does to those around them that they
are suppose to love is very hard to understand, but you will understand
that it is disease that is doing these unloving things not the person,
then you are half way to detaching. Detaching with love and empathy
gives us an opportunity to walk away from the fear, chaos and drama
and start to help ourselves to become more independent and less
manipulated by the disease, because we become irrational when we
live in that resentment. The alcoholic kinda likes our resentment,
gives them more reason to drink and it becomes a vicious cycle.
If you can start to work the 12 steps, moderated by Betty {{Hotrod}}
you will see how Al-anon works it's magic!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Fairlee your story is me. I used to tell myself I can stick it out until my son is 18 because I was dependent on H's income. That was when I had enough the first time and demanded rehab, he was ready at that stage too. I had togo to an outpatient family group with him and was the strongest one there. I said I would never put up with his drinking, cheating or drug use ever again and if his relapse had come early in his recovery I don't think I would have. 10 years sober made me realize how normal things could be and I guess I got complacent, I knew things were strained with my Mother being so sick but never expected the full brunt of his returning to his old ways. I just fell at this stage that my happiness is secondary and I don't need the upheaval of a divorce after 36 years. Reality bites doesn't it. I am so sorry that you are going through this with 3 children it is an awful place to be.
Aloha Daze...welcome to the board and so glad you shared where you are at right now. It's temporary I found out because I had that kind of anger, resentment and hate early on in my relationship with the disease. Hate for me was anger without hope and so I did myself worse off than the alcoholics and addicts in my life...They left me hurt and I took it to the point where I was hopeless and unable to see recovery. Resentments were carrying the anger and blame and guilt out further and I learned also that this too was temporary. Learning how to forgive made the resentments disappear because you cannot hold resentment and forgiveness both at the same time in the same place. All I had to learn was how to hate carrying resentments more than trying to win the battle. When I learned how to stop blaming people, places and things for the quirks in my life, my life got calm and quiet. I learned that the only problem was me and the only solution was God...Now I have to go way out of my way to create any anger for any reason. Good to have you here...Keep coming back and don't let go of finding a face to face room of Al-Anon. (((((hugs)))))
Face to face meetings were a life blood to
Me. I just sat and listened, learned and absorbed
For a long time. Go with an open mind there is
Much to learn so we can grow and change.
It is a program about us and Our recovery. We
get as sick in a different way. Most of us grew
up in alcoholism or the dysfuntion From the disease
then we marry into it.
In alanon you learn self love, self acceptance
And self care. Handing over your self will to a power
Greater than yourself is very freeing.
You learn to feel your feelings and emotions and
Have a loving God holding your hand guiding you
On your recovery journey. It is all a process and
It takes time and effort.
I hate my xah a lot of the time but true forgiveness
is the answer. Its something i struggle with daily,
forgiveness is Really for me not him so i can move
On and get happy again.
I do agree that the resentment in some ways fuels the addict. My HA always had an excuse to go to the bar, too hot, too cold, wings night, hard week, easy week anything he could think of at the time.I see those patterns returning. When he got home today,I heard the I am sorry, yes I have a problem, no I don't think I need rehab, I'll start going to meetings. I feel like I am in a time warp returning to my life as it was 11 years ago. There is an arrogance to alcoholics. This time around I don't blame myself, no he wasn't my sole priority but it was his choice to go and drink as a reaction to feeling rejected. Now I think he is trying to prove some kind of point like his life is better when he drinks. He has Hep C that is in remission and even if he wasn't an alcoholic he shouldn't drink.
Um, maybe the feelings of hatred and anger are HEALTHY RESPONSES coming from your survival instinct and mother nature telling you that this is ridiculous, not acceptable, and to get out.
WHY do we try to twist ourselves into pretzels and stuff or change our feelings and responses? The reality is that it would be a MIRACLE if this guy turned out to be anything but trouble for you. Even if he magically got sober he'd still be incredibly emotionally unhealthy. Feel the rage, feel the anger, IT'S VALID. It's a sane response. This disease makes us sick in that we won't face the truth about it all.
LATER, you can move into compassion and peace, but why put the cart before the horse? If someone was shooting arrows at you all day you wouldn't expect the wounds to heal immediately, you'd feel the real pain. Anything less is dissociation or numbness, not healthy. Yeah, get rid of resentment later, but allow yourself to go at the correct pace for Christ's sake. Alanon is not here to numb you or help you escape into nicey-nice false feelings while your true feelings boil beneath. Rage is a powerful, mobilizing force and we have access to it for a reason. It wakes us up. Ignore it or stuff it at your own peril. It's telling you something.
Ifthe hating feels uncomfortable it's not the emotion's fault, that's not the thing to get rid of. What's uncomfortable is THE SITUATION you're in. Plain and simple, you deserve better. And your anger knows it.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Monday 31st of August 2015 08:42:57 AM
-- Edited by hiraeth on Monday 31st of August 2015 08:49:26 AM
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Hi again Daze Alanon asks that we not react to our negative feeling, but own them share about them and then look in a detached manner as to our next right action We do not give advise here as it is up to each individual to evaluate their position and make a healthy choice for their own life.
The anger , rage, resentment are what brought me to the room of alanon and gave me permission to keep coming back. Alanon offered me a sensible solution as well as the promise of a Spiritual awakening- all I needed to do was keep coming back
After over 30 years of marriage giving alanon a try would be a wise decision. Here I learned how to rebuild my self esteem, share my feelings in a safe environment (where no one would judge me or tell me what to do) let them go to then move on to a deeper reality.
it is suggested that we make no major life changes for the for the first 6 months in program as by then program tools will give us more clarity, courage and wisdom.
Hello Daze - so glad you found MIP and also found your strength to share with us.
I can totally relate to the anger you have for both your AH and also for your HP.....I was there and it just about ate me alive. Had I not found Al-Anon, I would have been far crazier than I am, and will forever be grateful for this program and the support I get from other members.
You are not alone. This disease can be all-consuming for those of us who live with and/or love an alcoholic, whether they are active or in recovery. It's a powerful disease and while it's never cured, it can be arrested through recovery.
Al-anon is the recovery program for us who've been affected by another's drinking/substance abuse. I too encourage you to attend the meetings here - they are twice daily. The schedule and link is in the top left section. I try to attend often; recently life's been a bit busier than planned!!
So very glad you are here and just wanted you to know that I can totally relate. Only by detaching with love and setting healthy boundaries was I able to release that anger and find me again.
(((Hugs))) for you, your AH and your parents. My parents are also aging, but for now are still reasonably healthy. I feel your stress and hope you give this program a try. It's well worth the time investment to find you again and to take care of you.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm so sorry this is happening at what sounds like the worst possible time.
What I've found is that I had an excessive need to take care of others because I had never learned how to take care of myself and it was scary to think about. I like being the "rock" the "strong one" in the family that everyone would look to. It gave me a badge of honor! and it made me look good compared to my AH...( which of course it didn't!)
But then I wondered "if being strong is the best thing to do - why do I feel so angry about no one else taking responsibility and being strong for me when I need it"?
The stronger I got, the weaker and more apathetic my spouse got. He didn't have to take responsibility or do anything because I was controlling, finger pointing and the human "doer" of all things.
I've learned here that a much more powerful force for change in me and my family situation is to be strong enough to reach out, ask for help, confess that I control because I'm afraid. I've surrendered that to my Higher Power as I understand him. 6 months later the entire landscape of my life has changed.
I'm glad you're here. There is a lot of love and support here.
Being the strong one is me. I am the baby in the family but still have had to be the strong one, the nurturer. never wanted to disappoint my mother as my other siblings had. She never put that on me,I did it myself. I would break our in a rash if I got a B on a paper at school. Again she would say it's OK but I felt I let her down. The thing about my father is my mother did everything for him and now he can't even change the sheets or get messages off of the answering machine. How do you say to an 87 year old man, NO you can do this? His answer is forget it if you don't want to help me. GUILT!!!! AH has been treated just as my mother treated my dad, spoiled, pampered and if I die tomorrow he better get a new woman within hours cause he knows nothing.
Thank you so much for listening, just writing things down helps to clarify it in my head.
Welcome to MIP, I'm so glad that you've joined us.
When I read your post I was reminded of how exhausted I got myself when I was caring for my mother and worrying about my drinking husband all at the same time. I so wanted to be there for my mother but there came a day when I snapped and (at the risk of repeating something I've said here a few times) a wise friend said to me 'you can't give from an empty cup, and boy do you want to give.' I arranged for my bothers to cover for me and took myself off for a day touring in one of my favourite places in the world. It did me the power of good and I took lots of photographs of waterfalls and misty mountain tops and those pictures helped me to feel cared for and reminded me that I needed sustenance as well. We stay strong for others but then forget about ourselves.
I think it is important to say 'No' from time to time. It doesn't mean that you don't love, and it is manipulative if they imply otherwise, it just means that you are human and anyway its not your responsibility to live someone else's life for them. I imagine that you would like to help those you love, but you know that you can't do it all, and anyway being Cinderella isn't all its cracked up to be!! I spoilt my husband too - and I ended up with a grown up infant in my life where my lover used to be. Someone once said to me 'its your own fault you know.' Well, I could have punched them!! But actually it was a strangely empowering statement and it encouraged me to change my own behaviour (because I didn't want to grow up to be a bitter old lady!). Slowly I'm retraining myself and, what a relief, neither my world nor my husband have fallen to pieces yet! I've felt hatred and resentment rise near the surface as well. For me those negative feelings are a signal that I need to do something nice or constructive for myself.
PS I'm the baby in our family as well and I used to think that someone (probably on a white charger) would come and look after me when I was tired, unwell or a bit grumpy etc. I'm beginning to understand that looking after myself is my first priority and actually my life is way lovelier as a result (just need to drop the feelings of guilt!!)
Not sure at this point I can say no to my dad so I suck it up and do it. My stinking luck he would die an hour after I left and I would never get over the guilt. I know I wouldn't be to blame really but I don't want to add that to my pile of "Get Over Its". Pretty big pile already.
Hi Again Daze Alanon has a perfect answer to our regrets and guilt--- The 12 Steps of recovery.
These steps helped me to let go of the guilt and resentments from the past, with the ability to learn the intended lessons and to forgive myself.
Please give program a try. You are worth it.
I really don't have resentments about my past. It is what it is I always say. If my Dad was younger and not grieving the lose of my mother, she is still alive but with the Alzheimers she has been "dead" for years, I could tell him no. Sadly answers aren't always as simple as saying no. I resent my AH for not being a true partner and a help during this time and if anyone could tell me what the intended lesson in giving my dear mother Alzheimers I would gladly be open and accepting to that answer. When I look at her now, I just can not imagine the pain she feels if somewhere down inside she knows this is who she is now. I have told my son and his girlfriend if I get like that there are 2 solutions, either put me in a boat,go out to the middle of the ocean and throw me over or take me to a nursing home, don't look back and live their lives as happy and busy as they can. I am leaning towards the ocean because that is where I feel the most at peace.
I had to learn to say no a little bit so that I could be the person that I wanted to be with my mother but I hear your care for your father and your consideration for his grieving process. Alzheimer's is so ghastly to deal with, although I'm comforted by the fact that even though people loose their memory of who you are or what has happened their awareness of how they feel in your company stays around much much longer.
I spoilt my husband too - and I ended up with a grown up infant in my life where my lover used to be. Someone once said to me 'its your own fault you know.' Well, I could have punched them!! But actually it was a strangely empowering statement and it encouraged me to change my own behaviour (because I didn't want to grow up to be a bitter old lady!). Slowly I'm retraining myself and, what a relief, neither my world nor my husband have fallen to pieces yet! I've felt hatred and resentment rise near the surface as well. For me those negative feelings are a signal that I need to do something nice or constructive for myself.