The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
C2C Reading for today 6-28 speaks about keeping the focus on ourselves and not wasting our life worrying about another's behavior and actions. It points out that life is too short for us to allow our happiness to be dependent on another's actions.The time for us to seek recovery is NOW regardless of whether the A is drinking or not.
The quote is from:"In all our Affairs; "Al-Anon helped me to focus my attention on what I could do about my situation, instead of concentrating all my attention on what I thought the alcoholic should do, I was the one who had to take the stand."
I know when I entered the rooms of Al-Anon I did feel like a martyr and a victim. That is because the negative destructive messages that I was given as a child, as to how to love, care and support others, was inaccurate.
The second step speaks about being" restored to sanity", and although I didn't know it then,my attitudes towards interacting with others needed to be changed and more sane.
From childhood on I learned to make myself invisible, being supportive of others, so that they in turn would be supportive of me. I was taught to make my needs un important and others more so. How in heavens name could anyone know me or support me if I didn't know myself.? That is the reason I was always trying to get others to change and never learned to focus on myself.
Thank you HP and Al-Anon for giving me the tools and the courage to focus on myself, accept what I found, build on positive and become willing to shed the negative. This program works when I work it.
Thank you for sharing this key concept of the Program and recovery. As with so many concepts, its simplicity belies the power and impact it can have when we acknowledge, accept, and use it.
I can recall the disappointment, frustration and sadness I felt after each of dozens of relapses as I desperately clung to the hope that my qualifier would finally 'get it this time' and we could move forward with our lives together. I followed this exhausting, cyclical pattern because I was convinced that changing someone else's behavior would allow me to feel good.
Two people who stand independently but hold hands are able to provide comfort and support without compromising stability. If one does fall, the other can remain upright, either to help or to continue on. If, however, both are leaning on each other they can easily be toppled.
I came to realize that I was no longer standing upright on my own, offering my hand in support and companionship. I was trying to hold us both up, dragging her in the direction I thought we should go. She was not always ready to get up when I was, and when she went down, I went down with her. It became harder and harder to get us both upright, until I only had the strength to crawl away alone to get help. I am very thankful that I crawled to AlAnon.
What seemed counterintuitive at first saved both of us eventually. I learned healthy perspectives and tools from AlAnon that helped me rebuild my own strength and learn to establish boundaries. My qualifier also had the room to learn from her actions and develop her own plan for getting up unassisted (more accurately, without me disrupting her path for recovery).
When I practice this principle of self care and focus on my life, I feel peace. I have the confidence now in the program as I hear it work for others, and now as I see it work for me. Thank you for your service and sharing your ESH.
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Great shares - love, love, love the ESH! I too came to this program crazy as crazy can be, and had to become humble enough to realize change had to happen within me...
As part of my craziness, I kept HOPING that WHEN they .... THEN ... - It was such a backwards way to view life, living, etc. I too (Paul) can recall the emotions I felt each time there was a slip, a relapse or just a plain old choice to return to the non-sober life. With 3 As that I love dearly, each time it just almost stopped me and my heart in the tracks.
I am so grateful that I don't have to live like that any longer. Self-care and focusing on me feel 'right' finally after a lifetime of doing for others and hoping for the best. I have no control over people, places & things - which I knew conceptually but felt it didn't apply 'all the time'.
The lessons I've learned from those who came before me are so appreciated. I have always been one who needs to hear it many times, practice it many times and then maybe, just maybe I will get it....
I have had a great weekend and it is because I've put me first. I did tons of service work, attended a couple of meetings, played some ball, hung out with both my boys & my husband and then got to spend some quality time with the grandbaby.....I couldn't have planned it any better and most of this happened 'spontaneously'.....HP leads the way to wonderful days!!
With gratitude for the program and all of you, I am a tired lady!!! I love a 'good tired'.... :)
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I felt so liberated when I finally let go of trying to reign my Q in. Even though I still find it unjust that all the responsibilities that I believe we should share are going to continue to fall on me, I freed myself of the building resentment and anger of unrealized expectations. That allows me the serenity and energy I need to focus on healing myself. I had abandoned myself long ago; turned myself into a dumpster for martyrdom and anger. No peace, no progress, only overflowing garbage. Still shoveling it all out, and will be for a while, but it gets better every day. If she handles something well, I'm pleased, but if she doesn't, I've got it covered anyway as I always have. The only difference is me, and that's ok!
I love your reply, almost There.
I was talking to another AlAnon today and I finally had to say to her, "stop living in your hope". Sometimes we think we should take care of ourselves by hoping that what we do this time will work to change the alcoholic. That is not the meaning of taking care of ourselves. Actually we have to be ready to do it all ourselves. If we get help, great, but as you say, "I've got it covered anyway as I always have." I know myself by knowing my own limits, not anyone else's limits.
Wow. Didn't know I was in the habit of telling people to shut the hell up but OK. What you think of me is none of my business!! Yay!!
I love having learnt this lesson. It's so very contrary to what I always lived by; just as you describe Betty, I was sure the way to do it was meant to be look after everyone else and wait for them to look after me in return. This way is so much better
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 29th of June 2015 04:10:43 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you for sharing your ESH almostThere, it is inspiring to see and hear how the Program has made a difference in your life. The concepts may be simple, but when leveraged by our commitment and focus they become powerful vehicles for growth. Keep up the good work!
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
that's why it works! Thanks for step-12'n all up and down the board day in and day out! 
