The material presented
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I drove down to my hometown yesterday because my best friends were having a birthday party. They invited me to stay at their home. And I helped them prepare for the party. We had a great time yesterday and today chatting and just joking around and laughing. An hour after the party started an ex friend showed up with potato salad and other items. This is the "friend" that borrowed money from all different kinds of people and wanted me to lie for her . I told her I could not be friends with her. I haven't spoken to her for months. Early in the day, I asked my friends if they had invited her to their party they said that they had not heard from her. That was early in the day. Then she shows up. I tried to mingle and say hi to all the friends that I knew but I couldn't do it for more than 2 hrs. I came to the room I'm staying in and texted an alanon friend. I feel like I got blindsided. I feel betrayed. I feel like I can't trust them anymore. I have been friends with them for more than 6 years. They helped me through my most difficult times in my life and I have been their for them. It's not so much that they invited her it's that when I asked they lied. They have never lied to me. I feel sad and I have a lot of feelings. The party is still going on. They are having a theme party of Las Vegas nights so the entertainment doesn't leave for another half hour. I put on a smile as long as I could but I needed to just breath. I feel bad that im in here when i should be out their having fun and catching up with old friends. I may not go out again as their is a lot of people out their. Around 50-60 people showed up for the party. I think I'm going to just stay in here and head back home early in the morning. I'm picking up my mom on the way back so I can spend some time with her. And I can show her the city and where I work. Sorry I'm on my pity pot. I need to get off of it. I just need a breather. I wish I could make myself feel better instantly but I cant my feelings have been hurt. I'm going to just take the next few hours 30 minutes at a time.
I've had people show up at my parties that I didn't invite. They heard from friends and assumed they were invited. It's also not my job when I am having a party to monitor who has beef with who and to not invite certain people. Your friends may have omitted the truth meaning they did invite here but truly didn't expect her to come as they really had not heard from her in a long time. That is all they told you...that they didn't hear from her. They didn't say that they never invited her. Even if they did, what would you have done? Not gone because 1 person you don't like will be there? I can see the validity if the person what someone who totally traumatized you or who you might wind up fighting with and ruining the event...but minor discomfort? Not worth forsaking my friends that I do love and respect. I don't have to like everyone they like. In fact, there are some folks I actively dislike that are always at certain friends' parties. No biggie. Nowadays, party invites go out on facebook and you can accidentally or inadvertently invite people all the time. So...don't take it personal. These people opened up their house to you. I don't really see a big trust breach.
(((texasgal))) - so sorry you feel hurt by the situation. My best tool when I am faced with situations that baffle/disturb me is to 'breathe, breathe, breathe'....
Betty wrote about QTIP in a post recently, and it's been a marvelous tool for me in the last week or so. Quit Taking It Personally. I have to pull this tool out and use it in every situation that I am feeling 'used', which is one of my martyr go-to feelings. It surely helps me stop and realize that what others do is beyond my control and more often than not done without any thought of 'me'.
I have people in my life that I tend to avoid for one reason or another. More often than not, it's because they hurt me, my feelings, etc. I have learned in this program that I can choose to avoid yet still do what works for me. Before program, I actually gave away my power to people who did not deserve it. I would have missed seeing many I love to avoid just one I didn't.
I've since figured out how to 'act as if' I want to be a part of and grown up a bit so as to be able to detach from one or two and enjoy the rest. I am sorry you were caught off-guard. You did step away and pulled out your tools. My hope is your found some peace and strength to return to the party and enjoy all those who you do like/miss.
Hang in there and know you aren't alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Coming here and sharing was a very positive action. I'm glad you took the time to go to the party and mingle with your friends whowere there for you in the bad times. I do believe they probably invited this person but had not heard from her, so that it could not confirm her attendance. With so many people out there and a theme party to participate in, I do hope that you picked up the serenity prayer and a few slogans and decided to join the group.
Hope you and your mom have an enjoyable visit the remainder of the time
I went out for a bit and talked with a few people then excused myself. I wanted to get up early today I had a 5 hr drive. I left their house early and thanked them for their hospitality and left to pick up my mom. They texted me menu times on the trip up how they were glad I was their and grateful for me helping them set up for the party. We didn't address the issue. I felt like I couldn't. It's their party their house their guest list. I had a lot of feelings last night and this morning. I did not project my feelings on them and I didn't explode. I keep my conversation simple and civil. I have a tendency to run away and hide rather than explode. I was able to just hold a simple conversation and get through. I know the issue will arise at some point but hopefully by then I will have dealt with it. I have undealt resentment abt the ex friend and since I had excluded her from my life I thought I was ok the "out of sight out of mind mentality" but by me not dealing with caused me to go into this weird funk where I feel awful. I felt like I had left the most important tools at home instead of bringing them with me in my tool belt. I'm grateful for this board and my alanon friend who answered my texts at 12 midnight. Thank you for letting me share.
Perhaps you brought more tools that you realize - I believe you handled yourself with dignity and respect, in spite of how you felt!!!
Great job and glad you made it through!
(((Hugs))) to you - keep coming back and keep sharing!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 28th of June 2015 08:34:59 PM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
TG I was raised in program that forgiveness is the opposite of resentments and I needed that lesson to free myself and others from my habit of holding on to resentments which were so very toxic; justified or not. I read your post and hear old shares I heard about walking on egg shells around the alcoholic/addict or others I was powerless over. I don't like walking on egg shells so today I won't. Given the opportunity to let old resentments screw up my present, I won't do that either. I love being happy, joyous and free today and I will continue to work for that tomorrow. Good on your detaching, glad that helped along with contacting your Al-Anon friend/ Thanks for the share. ((((hugs))))
I think it would be an important and healthy step for you to get out the blue book of the 4th step and think about this friend and answer the 4th step questions where it is appropriate. It will help you dissect the relationship and where it went wrong and put it in the past. It is not good for you to have this percolating in the background, and from your reaction of seeing her, this is not in the past. It is still bothering you.
I talked to my sponsor and that is exactly what I'm working on. I will be meeting with her this weekend. Their is no denying it I'm always a work in progress...lol I think the main issue with this ex friend is that she was fun and nice in the beginning she made me trust her then she starts asking for money. First it was a little bit but then it turned into thousands. I didn't lend her that much I lent her $200 once but she did pay me back but I saw her borrow from others. She is I guess what is called a scammer. And I met her at a time in my life when I felt like I needed friends the most and I embraced her friendship. At then end when I told her I could no longer be friends the feeling I felt was the way I felt with exAH the feeling of allowing wrong behavior. I allowed it cuz I wanted a friend kind of like the way I wanted a husband and I let his wrong behavior slide as long as he would remain my husband . I'm working on my step 4 this week and meeting with sponsor this weekend. I'm grateful for the program because usually things like this used to keep me like a hermit but because of the program I'm able to work through it. Thanks for letting me share.
Thank you for sharing the ESH you have about this. I am glad you are here and can 'see' what you need to see to work on this and process it away!
Best to you (and your sponsor) as you progress through the steps!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Texas, it's good self care recognising you needed space and time to think. I think your taking a hurt that may not be based on facts. She may not have replied as your friends have said. Or maybe they felt awkward, just because you don't want her to be your friend doesn't mean they feel the same way. I've felt like this before. It will pass, don't let this spoil your time with your friends.x
