Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Linda R · Newbie

New to having an addicted significant other. Advice?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Linda to MIP. So glad you are here and glad you shared!

As you probably know, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. We can't cure it, we didn't cause it and we can't control it.

What we can do is engage in our own recovery for the affects of Alcohol on those who love one! Alanon meetings are a great way to get started, perhaps you can find one in your area?

There are meetings here twice daily as well. This program teaches us how to prosper and find peace in spite of what is going on around us. I do not know where I would be without the Alanon program, the steps, a great sponsor and MIP!

Others will also come along and share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) - so glad you are here!

Make it a great day!

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

There was a need deep within me to do exactly what you describe- this need to "help" cure heal... was my addiction, and the fact that I did love him made it so intense.. it was the high and the low I was programed to believe meant love, meaning and the potential for acceptance, if I could just get it right, if I was good enough my alcoholic would love me in return and then I would deserve my reward of his love...

"I love him. I want to help him succeed in every way. I can not walk away". I know how you feel!!

-- Edited by glad on Friday 29th of May 2015 12:32:45 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Linda and welcome to the board. Your post caused me to ask myself "Did I love my alcoholic/addict or did I pity and have sympathy only" I know in program some of my lessons about "being in love with being in love" which woke me up good as it figured that I was exercising that natural "loving" part of myself with a very sick woman/wife. I wasn't exercising love because I found I wasn't exercising it in my other relationships...I expense the entire addiction on one person; an alcoholic/addict who was only getting worse because of my constant pity and sympathy. I wouldn't learn about love until later on and from an elder in Al-Anon who would show me from her ESH. If your SO is relapsing I suggest Al-Anon often. If you are now not attending I suggest run to the nearest meeting. You can find the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call the number and find our where and when the earliest group meets. Your SO knows what to do. Your SO knows that the disease is progressive and he is in a bigger fight than the first time. Hopefully he doesn't forget the early sober lessons while he is trying to drink thru them. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

SpookyMulder · Veteran Member

I can relate to how you grew up. Not long ago I would have described my family the same way: non-functioning, not able to deal, kids being secret keepers and enablers...but other than that, filled with love. Honestly, for myself, I don't think you can have a family filled with love when those other realities exist. That's how I learned that sickness was love -- or my idea of love was extremely skewed and has been responsible for my failed relationships. Again and again I pick "broken" people to "fix." Like you, I fell in love for the first time in my life later in life -- I was 45. Head over heals. I had always made a promise to myself not to get involved with alcoholics -- so the other people I became involved with were broken in other ways. When I finally fell in love, it was with a raging alcoholic. Coincidence? I think not. Just food for thought. My heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. Like others here, I suggest going to face to face meetings and coming here to read posts and get support. It has been a literal life saver for me. When my last relationship ended, I didn't want to go on. People here and in face to face meetings picked me up and helped me find my inner strength and hope that my life could get better.

Sending lots of hugs...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can always walk away. Denying you have choices in relationships is a set up for codependence and toxic love in my experience. Not saying you should, but you really aren't offering love and support if you "can't walk away" simply because you think the person needs you that bad. You can walk away. If this becomes miserable, dangerous, or stifling to your growth as a person, that is exactly what you can do and may need to do. That is one of the risks of having adult intimate relationships and falling in love. They often don't last "forever" like we hope and dream and looking out for yourself is a bigger priority than helping a self-sabotaging person and clinging to them.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip doesn't mince words. In the beginning of my relationship I thought, "I can't walk away because I'm needed to help solve this terrible problem of alcoholism and help my partner be everything he can be." It took me years to understand that he didn't want to be helped - what he wanted was to continue to be an alcoholic. He didn't want it to be explained to him, he didn't want me trying to make him see the light, trying to stand by him as he did something he had no intention of doing.

Then I couldn't walk away, because I too had been sucked into the insanity of alcoholism, and I doubted myself ("Is he really an alcoholic? Or am I crazy like he says I am?"), and I was full of fear and pain and I couldn't face separating and the huge void that I thought was before me.

For me, it got to where the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. Finally I left. There are many ways to handle having an alcoholic partner. Some leave like me, some detach with love; some achieve serenity in other ways. But we always have a choice about what we do. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

I really can echo what Mattie said.

My wife just finished her treatment program, and still drinks whenever possible. She says she wants to be sober, and then spends her last dime on vodka. She isn't there yet, or she is just saying what she thinks I want to hear, as she has for so many years.

What I am realizing in my program is that detaching and focusing on me has resulted in fantastic improvement in all parts of my life...except the ones that involve my wife. I am happy, capable, and making good progress toward my goals on all fronts. And, I am embarrassed when she shows up at my office to get a ride home at the end of the day because she makes belittling comments about me to my co-workers, and when she is at home, I dread going home at the end of the day because I know my peaceful serenity is at an end once I get there and I will have to whip out my tool box to hold on to sanity for the night.

At my last face to face meeting, someone said that you always lose something when you leave, and you have to be willing to lose some things when you leave. If you aren't ready to lose things, then you aren't ready to leave yet. I think I might be getting ready to leave, because I am trying to figure out what I am and am not willing to lose. It took me a long time to even think seriously about leaving, and I know the time is not right yet. But soon, maybe.

If it is the right decision for you to leave, you will know it. If you aren't ready, don't rush it. One thing I tend to do is identify a problem and want to solve it immediately so I can move on to the next thing. My marriage with my wife is something that I am learning to be patient with and take my time in making any decisions. I want to know that I have the right decision and that I am at peace with my choice, and that all takes its own time.

I hope you keep coming back. You will find the answers you need.

mjferg · Senior Member

I came to a realization yesterday,In order for someone to make a change they have to believe there is a problem and then they have to be the one to work on changing.I worked harder than my ex did,trying to get him to stop drinking.It didn't work.I can only change myself.It got really bad for me and I left.I have been working on myself and I never want to go through that again.I am getting happy with me and I don't feel that need to change someone anymore.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene