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I had a great day yesterday with my A. I have leaned heavily on my HP lately which has me thinking things differently and not getting so defensive, etc. So when I got home from work yesterday, I was going to let go of all the hurt and bad tapes and past conversations my A and I have had and just have a nice conversation and see where it goes. So I did that. And you know what, we had a great evening! We even went out to the movies on a spontaneous whim, and it was fun. We had a fun time, or at least I did. No criticism. Good conversation. I was really enjoying the company. It was like that all night. So this morning, I get up and the criticism starts again....the passive aggressive stuff that sets me off. At first I didn't react. But then I felt like walking on eggshells because nothing I was doing or saying was right. I'm back in frustration mode. I really hate this disease. I was starting to look inside myself and say, maybe all of this isn't her...maybe it's me contributing and reacting to it. Maybe if I just don't react things will be fine. I let my guard down after a nice evening. I hate living like this because I hate this Jekkyl and Hyde game that plays out on the daily or even the moment. I'm tired of the passive aggressive stuff that I deal with with my A. And I'm tired of asking for help with cleaning and all of my stuff gets thrown in the trash, or I am being pointed out as not doing my fair share (even though I work 2 jobs and going to school on top of it, and my A has one job no school and sits around and drinks all the time). I just hate this disease. Leaning on my HP is the only thing right now getting me through. Thanks!
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Thanks for your share and so sorry for the frustrations of this day. I must admit - I thought I was alone in my stuff getting thrown away!! In my world, if it's in the way of my AH, he pitches 'it' - doesn't matter what it is.
I admit I am a pack-rate and he's a pitcher. I've had to make sure nothing of mine, my parents, my kids is within his standard path or it's at risk. This happens all the time and I also relate to the passive/aggressive. It's ever-present, and I operate as if:
- I can expect nothing from my AH....anything positive is then considered a gift.
- I'm allowed one question per day (more than one, and all hell breaks loose).
- my true love, support and relationships are from my program friends & family.
- I am loved by my HP who will get me through anything.
I too hate, hate, hate this disease. I am better able to let go of my anger and resentments when I do as suggested in the program - prayer, meditation, meetings, steps, helping others & fellowship. It certainly helps point me towards the path of peace which is my ultimate goal!
Glad you're here and (((hugs))) to ya. Know you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Gabigail, your share sounds like my life, to a tee!! I never know when the Dr. J or the Mr. H will appear. I never ask questions, have learned not to care, part of the detachment process and it works well. Definitely hear, whenever he is on a rant, that I do not contribute as much as he does, have learned again to recognize that it is the alcohol/disease speaking and just let it go, cause you cannot argue with a disease. There are good times, but I learned that they are short-lived and that Al-Anon, MIP and my HP are very much a part of life, that have given me my life back! Do not know what is in the future, but for now I am happy.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Gabigail, I am there with you too. I have to hunt for my stuff after I am away for any length of time. He makes the house "his" and my stuff is in his way.
It is nothing that you do. You are not contributing. It will be there anyway. You stop reacting or responding because it is better for you, not because it makes him a better man. Everything you do you have to do because it is better for you.
I have looked inside myself too. I make myself the best version of me that I can because it is for me. I don't do it because it will make anything better with him. It makes no difference to him. But I feel so much better.
Sigh. Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde thing. Is there any one of us who haven't been through this? And the resulting questions -- we all seem to ask them: maybe if I was more (fill in the blank) or less (fill in the blank) or did things in a (fill in the blank) way... I am just starting to learn that those very questions, for me, are ways to try to get control back, even though at the time I honestly feel like I am trying to "help." A lot of folks here have a lot of great insight and it helps me so much when I start to do the same old things that don't work, to remember I have no control over those things, and that I always have to examine my motives and patterns. I hope you gain some peace and know that we are all with you, too.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Good post that reminds me from where I came in this recovery journey call the Al-Anon Family Groups. Admitted I was powerless...that first part taught me and reminded me that the disease is always active and if I relax my expectations of how it will treat me I will be had by it with my own participation. Thinking is delusional I forget what it really is when just a bit of sanity seems to appear and then I have to remember that the appearance of sanity itself is insane when the alcoholic/addict is not out of denial and doesn't know and have recovery skills. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling and I have chosen to live my life with it so the consequences will be insanity and when insanity comes up I don't react nor do I play the victim. Learning t say "I hate this disease" caused me to understand that I hated even more my non-working responses to it. I got real help and I've kept that help at the forefront of my feelings, thoughts, behaviors and spirit. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I remember the give take away behaviours, very addictive. I have got to the point through working the program that others moods, negativity has no impact on me. It just is what it is and is part of untreated alcoholism and won't just stop Unfortunately. What can you do differently to make your own life good. You can't rely on an alcoholic for your peace.
Thank you, Spooky...I guess I didn't look at it from that perspective that I was retrying to gain control....that is my thing...when things are beyond my control I try with all my might to reign it back in. I'm working on this one...with my job issues right now trying to find a summer job and everything has turned up empty, I am trying to see it from a different side, saving up money and relaxing instead of being anxious...of course, my AW is constantly asking/ controlling with the guilt- how many jobs have you applied for...and why not? etc. Now I'm looking at it as a much needed vacation, reorganizing the house, selling some things that I don't need, working on myself, blogging, doing charity work, studying for school and doing projects that I've told myself, someday I'll get around to that...like finishing my manuscripts for children's books that I've had floating around my head for over 5 years. I can't control the job market like I can't control my A, so I have control over what I can do. I was an anxious mess a month ago when all this unfolded (as I had in previous posts) but strangely I'm at peace about it now. I have been reading about peace education from Montessori (which I'm going to school for) and about restructuring society and that children essentially are raised to become productive citizens, which basically means finding a well-paying job and really nothing more...but life is so much more than that. It has helped my perspective on the job front, on my current situation with my A, with life in general. It's been freeing. I hope I can hold onto that a little longer while I still look for a job but it doesn't make me fall apart when I can't.
And yes, I have been relying too long for my A to make me happy/calm/peaceful and when I see it in writing I realize it's just insanity! I have to find it within me.
I know that I'll probably be stuck on Step #1 and maybe #2 for a while...but in that, I keep reminding myself, along with the Serenity Prayer- control the things I can and being able to tell the difference between that and the uncontrollable. It's a constant reminder for me. Dang, it's so hard!! But I'm still a work in progress. Thanks for reading!
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
