The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all,
I'm not sure about my feelings right now, and I'd like some input. My father has been drinking for over 40 years. Over the past two years, it's progressively gotten much worse. He's quit rehab several times, gave up on AA after one meeting, and I'm not sure he's able to be helped. A bit over one week ago, he checked himself into rehab with the assistance of one of his sponsors and my mom. At that point, we all know that detox was the first order of business. He's still at rehab now, but I'm not sure about his willingness anymore. First he's thanking my mom and telling her he's excited to stay. Today he calls her and starts complaining, calling names, threatening to walk out, etc. He's always had the delusion that my mom was cheating on him; which has never been the case. He eventually calmed down, but I was reminded that there is a strong possibility he's lying again, and playing everyone for a fool. Also consider the fact that since he's not drinking after 40 years of doing it, he doesn't sound well and he may never recover. On one hand, I can't help but be sad. He is my dad. On the other, my blood is boiling. Not only has he spit in the face of people who tried to help him, but his drinking has had a negative effect on my life. I never knew how growing up in an alcoholic home can impact someone's life in a negative way. Through my own reading, I now know many of the problems I have are because of him. Any opinions would be welcomed.
my own observation, here in NZ is that people who crawl up the steps to AA, and stay there have a near on 100% chance of success. Going through rehab- 10%.
There are expectations from the client, and from the family- for a change. But, as you know the illness is cunning and baffling...
taking care of ourselves, in the face of this challenge, I think, is a really good thing... it may increase the chances of recovery, but of course there is no guarantee...
...putting you hand up, and reaching out to others, is a good first step... we are not alone... ...
As David mentions, this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is progressive and destructive and that destruction goes well beyond the A.
I am so sorry for your feelings and the sorrow you feel. It's normal to have a range of emotions when you explore how this disease stretches and hurts those who an A. Just know you are not alone and many will help you find peace and serenity in spite of what is going on around you.
If F2F meetings are available, please consider attending. There is love & hope in the rooms, and tools, teachings & more to help us learn to work on ourselves.
There are meetings here twice daily as well.
So glad you are here in spite of what brought you. I do love the As in my life, but despise this disease.
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You have received many wise responses and all I wanted to add, was that because alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured, it is extremely important that we who live with this disease connect with a program of recovery of our own.
As you know. AA is the recovery program for alcoholics-- but here we are focused on recovery program for the family and that is:" Al-Anon"
You are correct, growing up with the disease of alcoholism is very destructive and that is why Al-Anon program is so effective. Living with the disease we develop negative coping tools, in an effort to deal with the insanity of the disease. We lose touch with our true selves, our dreams, and welfare, and become completely absorbed into the life of the other person.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings held in most communities was the first place that I felt understood and safe enough , to put the focus on myself, share about how I felt, and receive the compassion and empathy that is so important to recovery.
It is here that I learned to focus on myself, by not getting too hungry, angry, lonely or tired,-- attend meetings, examine my motives, stop reacting and begin acting in my own best interest. These simple tools acted to restore my self-esteem and self-worth and enables me to walk freely the world.
I have been where you are, the feeling that our blood is boiling with anger and frustration. In Al-Anon I learned that I am powerless over alcohol. That is a scary thought. Who wants to be powerless? But by clearing that away, I can more clearly see that I am powerful over myself. That is the arena I can change. I can focus on my own serenity. My life can begin to change from unmanageable to manageable.
There is light at the end of the tunnel ... and no, it is not an oncoming train ... and we can reach it step by step, day by day.
Hello~I think you know exactly what to feel-you explained it well: you are sad and compassionate for what everyone has been through, and you are mad as hell for what alcohol has done to all of you. I couldn't say it better myself and have similar feelings for my spouse who is not getting help. If you want to really grow and find peace, let alanon help you. It's truly a blessing. Lyne
Hi Everyone,
Firstly, thank you for all of your advice. I very much appreciate it. Now, I need some serious help. He came home from his inpatient treatment today. His sponsor and myself both were of the opinion that it was too soon. As it turns out, we were right. The two weeks he was there were a fight, and things are back to normal. My mom and I don't think he's drinking, because he has no money. However, the emotional abuse, blaming my mom for his problems, and all that is back. His sponsor picked him up for an AA meeting, and he comes home telling us he's not going back because "he's not pass big of an alcoholic as them". He's better then them, etc. Going to our meetings is not enough. He's nothing but a selfish, week liar. He can't be helped. I need guidance.
I'm so sorry. Sadly, statistically most alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety. Whether your dad will or not is up in the air, but it sounds as if it's clear that it won't be this time.
You do not have to be involved if he is continuing to be alcoholic. Detaching with love isn't always easy or simple but it has helped many people achieve serenity. How to do it is not easy to explain, but attending meetings and reading the literature are good first steps. I hope your mother will consider it too.
I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds ass though he is just not ready for sobriety and recovery.
My wife just completed an intensive outpatient group, and drank through the whole thing. I had really hoped that it would work for her, that she would follow through on her intentions of going through treatment sober this time, but she didn't. This is her second round through treatment since I have known her, and I know she has been through treatment at least once before as well. Detaching with love, setting boundaries, and focusing on me is what I am relying on at the moment.
I hope that you and your mom can find AlAnon meetings in the area, and that you can both build a set of tools that will help you reach serenity despite his drinking.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Well, it's back to normal. My dad has been home for two full days, and he's already bought and consumed two full bottles of vodka. I can't take this. It's quite obvious now that he had a plan from the beginning, and getting sober, as in no drinking at all, was never part of his plan. My mom just blew a ton of money paying for his rehab, and it's all a big joke. He claims to hate his job, and that's supposedly a big reason why he drinks. Well, he's been off for three weeks, and will be home for at least two more months, while his boss believes he will be getting sober. So, if he isn't working,why can he not stop talking about the job he hates? My guess is, it's just an excuse to keep drinking. Like last December, this is all happening because he wants time off the job he supposedly hates. Yet, he's actually getting short-term disability this time. Nothing will ever change, and I'm really at the end of my rope. He's nothing more then a drunk liar. I know we talk about detaching with love, but I don't think I have any love left for him. He's put my family through too much. I've had problems, such as my demand for my own perfection, low self-esteem, etc. Our readings and my own research has taught me that he is the reason for these. To think that my life could be better in certain ways, and that he spits all over any ground I gain is something I can't forgive. I realize alcoholism is a disease, and that he is very sick. When you're sick, you go to the doctor. I was very sick as a child, and had I not gone to the doctor, I wouldn't be typing this. I'm really lost.
I do hear you Phinatic. I have encountered the same with my husband and it is difficult to endure. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless.
Alanon face to face meetings gave me a safe place to retreat to , a group of people who understood as few others can, new tools to live by and a place to practice. Keeping the focus on myself, living one day at a time and detaching (sometimes with disinterest) helped rebuild my self esteem and life. It did not matter what the alcoholic did. Keep coming back.
I can relate very well to the feelings you have expressed, Phinatic; I suffered through multiple rehab stints, relapses, and 911 calls, along with the lies, abuse, and roller coaster ride that often comes with the devastating disease that is alcoholism.
My expressions of anger, sadness, fear, hurt, helplessness, and finally, despair to the alcoholic had no lasting impact on the alcoholic behavior. My endless efforts and constant inner turmoil did, however, take a terrible toll on me.
I found myself in such a state that I was often more upset and emotionally wrecked than the alcoholic, uncharacteristically sad or raging, and more unhappy than I've ever been in my life.
Alanon helped me see that: 1) I can not control alcohol, and certainly not the alcoholic. 2) Only the alcoholic has the power to make the decision to seek help, and therefore 3) if I continued to be consumed with the alcoholic's behavior, I was only damaging myself.
I had a choice: continue to focus on the alcoholic, or admit that I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable as a result of becoming consumed with efforts and thoughts surrounding their drinking, and choose to focus instead on restoring sanity and peace in the only area I can control: my own life.
Choosing to use the tools in Alanon made it possible for me to have peace within myself and gain a healthy perspective toward others, including the alcoholic. I hope you too make the choice to find peace and serenity by healing yourself. Please keep coming back...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
You can forgive people but leave them. Forgiveness is as much, if not more, about you as them. Forgiving is letting go of the hurt that they have caused, realizing that holding onto it anymore is giving away your power and letting you victimize yourself. Non-forgiveness is like taking poison and hoping it kills the other person.
Forgiveness comes from love, which is the acceptance of a person as they are where they are right now. Acceptance of that other person can be done, but that doesn't mean we want to be around them.
And forgiveness is not weakness. If it were weakness, why are there so many people who won't forgive? No, it is strength, and courage, and realizing that you are ready to move on without holding resentments.
I have been where you are at too. My dad is a recovering alcholic but it took him two stints in rehab to finally acheive sobriety. Hang in there, recognize and feel your feelings as you have a right to be pissed off and angry at your father. Find F2F meetings if you can as they do help. I know it is hard but try not to predict how this is going to go for your dad in rehab. Take it one day at a time. Maybe this will not be the time that he gets sober or maybe it will be but that is up to him and unfortunately you can't control the outcome. Try to focus on yourself and find try to detach. I am still working on all of these with my alcholic spouce but I do find reading the literature, F2F meetings and coming to this message board helps me focus the attention on me and not my husband. Best wishes.
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