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So I kicked my AH out of the house last night. Thinking back I should have waited until this morning.. at least that is what one of my al anon friends had mentioned but I just couldn't do it anymore. I had told him what my limit was and he crossed the line. He had taken the day off to look for cars and was supposed to pick me and a co-worker up from the train last night. Get a text from my babysitter that he had gone to take a nap at 4 and the door to the bedroom was locked and they had been trying to wake him up. So I am sitting at the train station with my co-worker just horrified wth embarrasement. Got home and he was all appolgetic until I told him he had crossed the barrier he knew about and had to leave. Talk about throwing a tantrum. Doors slamming, swearing in front of my two young kids. God what a mess. I did send him a text last night but still no word. I know I can't make him stop and get into recovery but I just can't live around his drinking and lying anymore. I finally told our babysitter what was going on and she was not surprised. I am sure she knew what was going on for quite some time. God I hope I did the right thing.
Jazzie, I can understand your anger, sadness and anxietyy. Alcoholism is a dreadful , progressive disease over which we are powerless. Your reaction to the situation is understandable and I would suggest that you contact your sponsor to plan/ process the next step.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family
I'm sorry that his behavior brought up such intense feelings within you of being horrified and embarrassed when he failed to pick up you and your coworker. Even a person who isn't alcoholic could oversleep and not pick someone up as planned. It happens.
Whatever your barrier, boundary is that you set with your husband is your personal business. If you threw him out based on that boundary and feel justified in doing so, then you've done what's right for you. It important that our words and our actions match for someone to take us seriously.
I agree with hotrod that connecting with your Alanon sponsor would be a good thing. If you're not at peace with your decision, your sponsor can help with reasoning it out.(((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You did the right thing! Very brave. Furthermore - I think in your circumstance the saying "No time like the present" applies. No...you didn't need to wait until morning. You were fine. Good job. Asking your spouse to leave the house in the face of this awful disease....that takes major courage. Please be kind to yourself and do not rip yourself in this process. You are actually inspiring. Get to alanon and keep getting support. This is too much to handle alone. Again, you did great.
Good job on setting boundaries and holding to them. I am glad you are here and sound like you have a great awareness and strong. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am sorry you were put in an embarrassing position because of his drinking. Good for you for sticking with your boundaries. Sending more love and support your way!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Knowing what I know now, you did the right thing. Nothing changes until something changes. Putting down that boundary is the best chance he has. The soft landing, the putting up with more and more is encouraging the disease to continue in both of you. If you can keep in mind that this could be very good for him and your family and lead to recovery for both you and him it will help you defend the boundary you have set. Dont let the guilt and doubt sneak in to your mind if you can. Thats the disease talking. Keep coming here for support and lean on face to face meetings.x
The first few weeks after throwing out an A are very confusing, exciting, filled with relief, the unknown, terrifying - I guess it's just a huge ball of emotions.
Here is where the rubber meets the road. Here you can take a breath, work on yourself. You can get some perspective at this stage of your journey. Here you can plug in to the kids and see how they are doing, feeling, needing from mom and from themselves... b/c now there is no napping, raging A, elephant in the room.
You told the babysitter. You've learned that secret keeping is only keeping their disease alive.
Looking back - I regret letting my A back so soon ( about 40 days or so ). I needed more time, but did not have the program or a sponsor to help me through the steps.
I hope that you feel free to take your time. To be gentle to yourself. To process this at your own pace, and know that nothing needs to happen today or tomorrow. Often the A will apply pressure and deadlines and threats and such - but you don't have to take the bait. This is your road to walk and your pace to walk it.
((((Jazzie)))) be gentle with yourself don't hold on to the pain to hard and try this thought "This too will pass". I had to learn that or else I would never have been able to let all of it after carrying it so so long. I thought I had I had to hold on to all of it to protect myself and found out it was doing the opposite. Being gentle with yourself balances the situation out and allowed me to learn how to say "Oh well" when my marriage crumbled around us without thinking that my life was over.
You Didn't cause it, You will not cure it, and you cannot control it. (((((Love Jazzie)))))
Not sure if things could get any worse. I just had to call the police to go check on him as he was saying that if he had a gun it wold be all over for him. They just took him by ambulance to the emergency room for evaluation. Has anyone gone through this. Not sure what to expect and if they will keep him over night and then put him in rehab the next day. I hope for his sake they get a bed for him to go right away.
I'm sorry this is happening. But you know, very often they need to hit bottom for things to turn around. And often they hit bottom and they do not turn around. But this is the best chance he has, the very best. No one is enabling him, so he has the chance to see the real consequences of drinking. That's what he has to see, to want to change it.
It's also true that alcoholics like drama and they like making people feel guilty. "See what you made me do! Your refusing to enable me made me think about killing myself! You did it! I'm totally a victim here! You have to let me live with you and sponge off you, and you have to put up with my abuse and lies and unreliability, or else you are victimizing me! I'll show you! I'll threaten to kill myself!"
Very sad but very true.
The professionals are in charge now. Whatever he needs, he has the very best chance to get it right now. The doors of AA are open. You cannot save him from alcoholism. But he can save himself by accepting the help of the professionals and of the fellowship of AA. Or he can go back to the old ways, trying to guilt you into taking care of his alcoholism.
I know it is hard like climbing-Everest hard, but this is a chance to get some good practice in at taking care of yourself. Hugs.
Yeah...that did happen to me pretty much. My ex-A took a bunch of pills while totally drunk and called his mom to "say goodbye." His mom called me in a panic to "not let her son die before her." I called the police/ambulance. He fought with them, almost got tazed and gave me the finger and cursed me out while getting strapped down and wheeled away. During the time he was in the mental ward (a week or less) was the first time I realized I was okay without him. He swore he was done drinking and was back to drinking within 2 weeks after getting out. I also thought things couldn't get worse at the time. In retrospect it was all good. I was reaching my limit. I was really codependent at the time and couldn't differentiate him and his issues from me and mine. It pushed me closer to seeking out my own recovery. It wasn't me in the mental ward. It was him. His life, his drama, his bad choices, and his life. I started to detach more right then. So when you say thing couldn't get worse, my response now is "Yah...it could be you. This is his problem. He's hitting the skids hard and he needs to. Now you can focus on you and get to alanon. His problems belong to him. Let him have them...let him have his own pity party. Refuse to attend and get busy making your life better just like you did the second you reached out on this forum." Alanon is your lifesaver, not him getting sober or going to rehab. Over 80 of folks relapse after rehab and average amount of rehab stays prior to getting sober is 6 based on my last research. So knowing that, what will you do to protect you, your life, your serenity, and your piece of mind?
The worst day of my life turned out the be the best thing that could have happen- although I didn't know that at that time. I set my boundaries and my AH crossed them for the last time. Instead of asking him to leave (which never seemed to work because he always came back and the craziness of his disease soon came back to join us), I left. It was devastating to leave, and I was so scared. But 4 years later, I'm on a good path. I had to go through hell to get to where I'm at today. Is my life perfect? No, but I'm taking care of me, and that's what I needed to do. Sending you lots of support!
I am also not saying get a divorce or dump him for good. Just let him own his own crap and reach out for more help for you. Save yourself. Decisions about the marriage can come later...after more alanon and more space and time.
getting worse with my HP and the program is so much more different that it getting worse without it. Hang with us Jazzie...you're not alone> (((((Hugs)))))
Thanks everyone. This was probably the best thing that could have happened. He ended up staying the night in the ER where he had no choice but to see his life how it had become - a complete mess. He went to an AA meeting last night and hopefully he will go every night but again that isn't my decision and I can't make him go or get sober. He knows he is an A and needs to get help and that he can't just drink beer. This also made me finally tell my parents what was going on. My dad is a recovering A and my mom dealt with this for many years. They were surprised as they didn't know what was going on but my mom was proud of me for following through on my boundaries....something that took her a very very long time to do. I am very familiar with this road that I have to walk up ahead but I have to keep my focus on myself and my boys. I do love him but I love my boys more (that may sound very harsh) and I need to keep them the focus. Thank you for everyone who has given me some feedback. Al ananon has been so great and I can't believe it has taken me this long to make changes in my life.
Nicely done Jazz! The courage to follow through is very inspiring. Take care of you and the boys. Your A has his own HP and it's not you. Let him have his time to process this latest debacle and find his way on his own. It may get woarse for him before it gets better, but it doesn't have to get woarse for you. Continue to work on YOU and God will provide you with answers when the time is right. Have faith and trust the God knows what he's doing.
