How do you keep the anger and resentment at bay? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

How do you keep the anger and resentment at bay?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Accepting the reality of the disease and remembering to keep the focus on myself, with prayer,and detachment, alanon meetings,and calls, helps me to let go of anger and resentment.

By not reacting to the insanity , processing my feelings and then being able to express myself in a constructive non blaming manner, enables me to stay sane, and express my thoughts in a non blaming fashion.
Increased meetings also helps at times of stress.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

I Have Often Struggled with Resentment, and Anger Does Come Easy to Me... But After Being Raised by Alcoholics, Married to One, and Becoming One (Now Sober) I Can Say, Even after years of Program, The Best thing I Can Do For Me in these Insane Moments, Is Get to a F2F Meeting and Allow Others to Walk with me that Very Much Understand My Struggles... This is a Great Place and I have Loved it here for Over 6 years now... But Sometimes I Need that Hug or Eye Contact I Always Found in these Meetings...

When I Take My Focus off of Them and their Drinking, I Can then Focus on What I'm Doing...

I Don't know your Story Yet ;) But I'm Sure I Can Relate at Some Level Indeed... If I was Concerned about something Going Wrong While I was away, I Would Just have a "Plan B" On Back up if the Child Needs another Place to Stay till I Returned...

We Don't know what's Next in Our A's... They Always Come Up with More Ways to Shock us, or Even Impress us... But I Have Learned, If it Causes Me Stress and I'm Afraid Something will Go Wrong... Too Relieve that Stress I Just Have a Plan B ready to Set in Action if I have too ;)

You Are in the Right Place... So Please Keep Coming Back....

Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest :)
Friends in Recovery

Jozie

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just praying about this in the AM while I was laying in bed debating over getting up early, LOL. I know that, for me, I had to find acceptance. It's not easy, I've been exactly where you are so many times over. Wanting to catch him in a lie, wanting to get him to finally just once admit that YES, I'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN.....Then, my sponsor would say, "Why, Bonnie? Does that really make you feel better? By shaming him? He's already covering up his shame and guilt by drinking...."

I think I had to just learn that I didn't have to prove I was right all the time. If I knew the truth, that's all that mattered. If I had to express feelings about it, I would turn it into 'I' statements and not accuse or blame shift or throw things in his face.

One time I was really angry because he took my car while I was away for a weekend and he was only supposed to be driving his car which had the breathalyzer on it. I wrote him an email that just said, "I know you took my car without my permission. I am angry about that and I just wanted you to know that I knew. Nothing more needs to be said except the fact that I will be forced to take my car keys with me wherever I go." I expressed my facts, I knew what I knew, and I had to explain what the consequences would be. He wrote back, "You're right, I'm sorry." And, that was it.

Acceptance and communicating with an addict takes patience and lots of recovery time. But, it will come for you. Hugs!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what Bonnie says. One question I'd have is how old is your older child? I'd be very cautious about leaving a child with an active alcoholic if that child was too young to protect himself or call for help. (Needless to say, I'd be cautious about leaving a child with an active alcoholic at all, but I can imagine some circumstances where an older teenager could handle himself and call to get picked up if the drinking started.) Hugs!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You have to ask yourself some questions about what is tolerable and intolerable to you. Some folks are at the point where they simply cannot live with active alcoholism any more. If you are at that point, nothing is going to make the anger and resentment go away other than getting out of the relationship. If there are aspects of this relationship that are still working or reasons why you feel the relationship is still viable, then you can use detachment tools, lower expectations, and try and keep as busy and active with your own life so as to have your happiness less tied to what he does or doesn't do. It is possible but you have to be the one to determine what your boundaries and limits are in this situation.

Flower49 · Senior Member

" have your happiness less tied to what he does or doesn't do." I heard this in many different ways from Pink for a very long time and I had to really work on this. I now have my happiness which I make a priority and let the chips fall where they may with my AH. It is easier, but I have to say I get annoyed and irritated so easily that sometimes I think I am a huge failure at my program.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Gotta be kind to yourself. Addiction is a beast. Angry and annoyed does not mean you are a failure at the program. It's just an opportunity to dig in, to pray, to figure out the next right thing. You will always have emotions like that. You are human. People are probably saying your husband is "a miracle" for being sober from meth for a year...I guarantee that. He is literally getting called a miracle and in some ways that is true. So you should also consider yourself a miracle in your program.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm really learning that in a lot of situations the supposed pay off isn't better than keeping my serenity. In Alanon we say, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" Now... many of us would answer both! biggrin But really... who cares if someone else thinks they're outsmarting us, As long as we know what we're dealing with and can take the actions to take care of ourselves that's all that really matters. When I really believe that the unacceptable behavior is just about that person, I don't react to it. When I believe it's affecting my life in some way I react. Those expectations are always the thing to do me in. I'm the only one who can choose to be happy and keep going in my life even people around me choose not to participate. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 24th of April 2015 03:42:41 PM

Fairlee · Senior Member

Yes! All of the above - excellent replies. It is so hard and a struggle every day, but I personally am much happier if I let go of "needing to know". They know that we know when they are drinking - I think the denying on their part is all part of a big game that keeps the merry go round going...someone has to stop and get off, and more than likely that's not going to be the A. I'm trying to take the high road and remembering I cannot control my AH. Keep working your program. Be gentle to yourself and decide what you are willing to live with.

Fullcup · Member

All these replies have helped me a lot also. My Mom is the A & my husband gets more riled & doesn't want my Mom to "think" she's outsmarting us. But she's not. But he wants her to know it. A part of me wants her to know it also because I think it will help her but that's my own denial. She will say she's driving into town (3miles) to put gas in her car , who does that ? It's for booze. Or her stomach is tore up from whatever she ate or didn't eat that day (changes daily) but the constant is a bottle of rot gut booze & cirrohhis . But I hear the same story EVERY DAY . I so wish she wasn't tormented. But it's tormenting me, so I need help with boundaries & loving myself. They say hate the disease not the person. That's hard to do when that person has done some horrendous things to people you love including myself. Sorry Jazzie, didn't mean to hijack this thread but found it very helpful. Hope you did too?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Cheryl and MIP Family members just my 2cents ESH about the secrets in Alcoholism and the attempts to hide what is going on...In all phases of my recovery I found out that everyone involved in the family knew what was going on and part of the knowing was how we felt and were handling it because the greatest part of communications is body language, the non-verbal communications which speaks louder than words. My sponsor and counselor taught me to make my verbal and non-verbal speak the same truth and then after it was said let it go...not to hound or beat with the issue. Amazing thing that happened after I let my inside and outside tell their stories at the same time my anxieties disappeared and I had to go look for something better to do (LOL). I loved the serenity that came (comes) as a consequence of that practice and as a tool in my present marriage it is a display of an honesty which is respectful and loving and habitual. Keep coming back. Prayers for you and your family. ((((hugs)))) smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Something that helped me a great deal about resentments was coming to terms that for me resentments are about me not getting my way in the past. I think a big misconception is that I'm not suppose to be angry which for me is kin to if I'm really a Christian I don't have any problems. My life is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. Good luck with that .. lol .. it doesn't work for me.

That is a definition though that I have come to on my own and through my own journey. I think God for Alanon because it has lead me to a healthier way of thinking and behaving even when my mind starts to play tricks on me.

Recently I got to hear a Jesuit Priest speak and HOLY COW is all I'm going to say .. it was so liberating to hear someone of faith say out loud there are things I get angry about I went to an alanon meeting I had to find a meeting I could relate to in terms of there were good shares as well as today was a bad day. THAT is OK.

I do know from my own personal experience I don't have to stay in that "bad day" sometimes a bad day is just a bad day, my bad days because of my changing perception in alanon are not so bad really in the big scheme of things. It used to be every day was a "bad day" and I couldn't find anything good to focus on.

Keep coming back here, emotions are neither good or bad they just are .. resentments are poison however anger is healthy when it is expressed in a healthy way. Growing up the way I did there are no middles it is all or nothing. Growing up in a co dependent home that was later affected by alcoholism was so not a fun thing and it taught me not to trust, not to speak and not to risk in healthy ways. I did not learn how to process emotions until I got into Alanon and really started doing some self work. I still struggle with balance .. and I kind of came to the conclusion I really don't follow anyone's "rules" I set rules and I break the current rules .. LOL .. so I need to find a way to work within the boundaries of what is going on.

Hugs S :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

And remember that when you detach from the alcoholic, you don't detach from the innocent child. If my kid were going to be left home with the spouse (and, yes, that did happen when they were younger), I would always make sure they knew where to go and what to do if they needed help. Bring the child to the neighbor and explain in person to the neighbor and in front of the child why you are asking for their help. That will grease the wheels for the child to have courage to get help and it will explain to the neighbor why you are even asking... and it will help you get rid of the family secrets.

Make sure your child has a phone, either on your plan or a burner phone. Make sure your number is on the speed dial and all the other numbers the child may need.

Make sure your child knows to ask for help. They don't have to hide or suffer or live with an alcoholic is all his glory. The child is allowed to ask for help. Sometimes they need permission.

Hope for the best and plan for the worst. None of it will probably happen and all your worrying will be wasted.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.