The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, this last week has certainly been ... interesting.
I got myself into a few situations with active alcoholic friends of my wife that I knew I shouldn't be in, and I had to deal with an unexpected medical issue myself.
I think that this last week has been proof to me that AlAnon works when we work it.
Even though the negative situations I was in were the same ones I have been in before, my responses during and after those situations were VERY different, and my wife noticed.
She said that she felt understood and safe in our relationship for the first time in a long time because of my responses and my willingness to let her deal with the consequences of her actions herself. Interesting, I didn't expect that. Me saying "This is a consequence of your actions, and you have got to deal with it" made her feel safer with me than me saying "we will get through this together," which I said in my pre-AlAnon years.
My wife said that I am different and stronger, and more at peace. She asked me how I did it, and if I can show her how. I told her that she can join me in what I am doing if she wants. So, we have a new morning and evening routine, which for the past three days has been doing wonders for us:
In the morning, we take time to state what we are thankful for, to forgive ourselves for things that happened yesterday, to state our intentions for the new day, to read and talk about the reading of the day from The Courage to Change, and to say the Serenity Prayer (which I almost have memorized now).
In the evening, we take time to talk about what we are thankful for that happened that day, to forgive ourselves for things that happened that day that didn't go as well as we wish they had, and to say the Serenity Prayer.
She asked if she can go to an open AlAnon meeting with me, and I agreed.
I know that she is a LONG way from being willing to go to AA, but this is a very different and unexpected response from her, and I can see how we are both changing and communicating differently. I can see how we are interacting with "friends" differently as well, in our individual attempts to practice loving detachment. I know that I need to be vigilant that we each continue to work on our own individual recoveries instead of focusing on the other one, because we each need something different from recovery and being autonomous in a relationship is important.
My wife's willingness to work on a program might not be forever, but it is what is happening today, and I am thankful for today.
(((Hugs))) all around
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
She's not a long way from AA. I surprised she hasn't been mandated to go to meetings with a sign in sheet already due to her DUI. I suspect AA is going to be in her future shortly. It only takes one thought or event to tip the scale and get someone into recovery. It's good you don't have high expectations for her, but no reason to write a script for her where she's not going to get into recovery either.
I do like your post because it shows that the best way to influence recovery is to model it and that is what you are doing. Good job Skorpi! You are doing it for you I know, but it does affect others because we spread recovery through attraction and not promotion.
Your doing great skorpi. I was wondering where you
Were.
Good taking care of you and your wife was willing to face
Herself somewhat. Baby steps toward possible recovery.
Facing their consequences and acting like a grownup
Are huge for an A. It is a step in the right direction.
Detachment and boundaries are working in your home.
Keep the focus on you if you can. She still needs to
Do the hard work and be willing to do her part. It is
A very long bumpy road ahead.
Great you two sitting and talking and being honest
So much growth and awareness is happening. Not
Accepting the unacceptable anymore was a turning
Point for you and her.
I am just back from my face-to-face meeting. My wife came with me and even shared a bit. At the end of the meeting, someone asked her if she was interested in going to an Alanon meeting closer to where we live. (This meeting is an hour away.) He is trying to get a group started just 20 minutes from our house on Sundays. She said she really wanted to plan on going because it is hardest for her to stay sober on the weekends, and she needs something to look forward to.
Detachment and Boundaries ARE working, and working really well.
I was nervous about my wife coming with me, because I know that I need to keep my focus on myself and my recovery.
I was relieved after the meeting as we were leaving to see that I was still able to maintain my detachment and my boundaries with her. (She said she wishes I had shared something to make it easier for her to speak to the group, to introduce her, or something. I said that Alanon is about me working on me and her working on her. It is not about us and our relationship. When I go to a meeting, it is about me and what I need to hear and what I need to share. When she goes, it is about her and what she needs to hear and what she needs to share. That focus doesn't change if we happen to be at the same meeting. And, she really listened to what I said and is still looking forward to making the Sunday meeting part of her weekend.)
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I'm seeing red flags going to the same meetings with your qualifier. It is nice that your recovery is rubbing off on her some, but her disease and her recovery need to be hers. She is too sick and not understanding of boundaries to be doing this with you Skorpi. Just my opinion. You can express boundaries and such about your meetings and program and she may seem positive now, but it's letting her into something that is YOUR LIFELINE and sometimes you may really, really, need to vent and talk about her as you main qualifier and you won't be able to. Team recovery is going to have you in the role of sponsor for her since you are the stronger person and this is a dynamic the two of you already have that isn't so healthy. Spoon feeding her recovery from yourself when you are still so new...I'm wary... Plus if she is "strong" enough to attend alanon, she's strong enough to attend AA which is really where she belongs.
I'm willing to accept I might be really off base with all of this, but this is how I see it. You are progressing too much on your own to drag her into this.
*edit - not trying to take your inventory. Her going to one meeting with you or alanon on her own might be good. It wasn't a bad thing...Just based on your second post, I am concerned about you compromising something that is yours and her leeching on cuz she's too scared and codependent to build her own program. Taking your active alcoholic spouse to alanon on a regular basis in hopes it will help her....I dunno...I think it has more chance to turn into a codependent nightmare.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 14th of April 2015 09:48:00 PM
Pinkchip, thank you. I hear and feel the love, concern, and caring in your message.
I am SO torn about this, I really am. My wife IS codependent. She has yet to figure out how to be an adult, independent of her mother and her aunts.
(Really, if you remember the thesis thing, I finally gave it to her to proof over the weekend, and she did a fantastic job over the weekend. She didn't finish, but she is 115 pages in, and working hard to help. Great. And here is what I was afraid of: She said she'd have it done by yesterday at 1, when I met with my adviser, who cancelled on me. Then she said Wednesday, and I should ask for an extension. My adviser cancelled our meeting, and I am over 2 weeks overdue anyway because if him and his timeline, so what is another day or two? I did ask for the extension. I'm dyslexic, which I don't tell many people, and I really need someone to read over things, and more of a someone than the campus writing center can help me with. border and boarder look the same to me. So do roll and role. Spell check suggests both to me;at least one is a word people can recognize. But to others, well, it looks careless. Now, she is going to clean at her mom's tomorrow instead of finishing reading and editing for me. That is fine. But, I fell into the trap of: she is working so hard on this to help me, and she is doing a fantastic job, and I KNOW I need the help, so..... and here I sit, without a submitted thesis. Again. Going to change that tomorrow, first thing. I'd just rather submit the thing WITHOUT my normal typos in the first half... Anyway, with or without, it is going to committee tomorrow. First thing. Still working on that following through with my plans thing. And, at least I am just 2 days behind instead of weeks or months.)
And yet, when someone I love is drowning, and asks for a life vest, how can I say no without trying? I don't know. I honestly, truly do not know. I still do not know now. I cannot let myself be pulled under with her, but how can I look at myself tomorrow in the mirror if I don't even toss the life vest? She asked if she could come to an Alanon meeting with me. This was an open meeting. Every meeting with this group I have been to has had multiple AA members (And NA, and, and, and...). Do I wish in my heart of hearts that she would connect with one of them and go to AA? Of course I do. Do I dare to say it or hope for it realistically? no. Like, in my heart of hearts, do I wish my first partner had not died and that we could have a family together now? Of course I do. I miss her every day. But that is not reality. That is a dream, or a wish. A world of could be's. And, maybe, because of my past, I need to know, REALLY KNOW, that my dream world with my current wife cannot be. (Step 1 anyone? lol, I keep going to step 1.)
I just have to have faith that I can rely on my other groups (No, she cannot go to each f2f group with me, and I absolutely will not introduce her to my online group, because I need this for me) when I need to. And, not to disclose for her, but she has had a bunch of a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts in her family. She is trying. She needs Alanon as much as she needs AA. And maybe a bunch of other groups. Is there one for pizza? I don't know, that is her deal to figure out. But, if she is ready to try Alanon, who am I to say she cannot? And who am I to say where she needs to start her recovery? Walking through the door alone is hard. Walking through the door was huge for her. Wanting to go back was huge for her. Wanting to try a different meeting was huge for her. Who knows where it will lead? I hope it will lead her where she needs to go.
I am not along for her ride, and I am not giving up on me or my program. And I absolutely LOVE that you care enough to worry about this, because I am worrying about this. And your caring means a lot to me.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
It's a tough situation Skorpi....all around. Jerry F. will testify that a person can come in through alanon, stay sober there for a while, and then reach AA. My experience and, I think the more typical one is to go the way of AA then alanon. It's hard to benefit much from any program unless you are sober first. It would be awesome if you found a clubhouse that had AA meetings and alanon meetings at the same time in different rooms. I dunno. Bleh. I see both sides of it....
Hi Scorpi, thank you for your positive reflection and validation of your decisions and process. It is obvious that you are capable of being a kind, loving, supportive partner while not abandoning your goals and dreams.
I have had a few Al-Anon sponsees, who,after working the program for a while decided that they needed AA and left. In fact I had lunch with a former, young sponsee, yesterday ,who left Al-Anon and joined AA over a year ago. She just received a one-year chip and is thrilled. She readily gives Al-Anon, the credit for her recovery because she could never have walked into an AA meeting prior to attending Al-Anon.
Keep coming back here and sharing. I'm cheering for you as you follow your goals ..
You are doing great and role modeling even got her to some al-anon meetings! So happy for you. My meetings used to be in a very small town and if my exAH had ever started attending the al-anon side of things it would have gotten hairy for me, because he was one of my qualifier's and it would be hard to share when he was right there in my intimate little safe space. I did however wish recovery for him and would have had to figure it out, unfortunately he only last for a short while on the A.A. side of recovery and now I go to different meetings where I live so it wouldn't matter. I do see it from two different angles and feel as though it is a start and has made a good difference for you thus far. As far as needing editing on your paper, is there no one else that you could rely on? I always found relying on my A well it wasn't a sure thing. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I sent my paper to the committee today. I could dance with joy, and am terrified that they will not think it good enough at the same time.
Breakingfree, you are right. I could have/should have/have done many times in the past relied on other people to do the editing. For me this time, it was a time and money thing. One week notice that it needed to be done, and no money to pay anyone to do it. (It is rather LONG...) Well, now, assuming the committee reads the thing, I am sure someone will point out a few glaring ones that I need to change.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good work Skorpi , I am so very happy for you. Trust HP and your own intelligence as they have brought you this far. If hey find a few errors on a huge document-- Remember you are human.
PS.
I have never noticed any errors on your postings my friend and I am sure you do not have your partner edit them. :)
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
