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Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to handle when A wakes up in a $hit mood (probably due to a hangover) and with a few choice statement attempts to ruin your whole day just as you step out the door.
This AM I was getting ready to leave and had to communicate a few things about our son to my AH before leaving. I was told:
1. I act like he doesn't care about his own kid.
2. I've changed and it's bull$hit, he hates it.
3. He then refused to say goodbye and there were a series of nasty looks. I was able to leave with only one sarcastic "ooooookaaaay" under my breath (but loud enough to be heard)
On my drive to work I tried to rationalize it and take it for what it was, a symptom of his disease, but it's hard. I feel like the emotional damage is already done, I stew over it and I think back about how I could have worded things differently to avoid that reaction from him (which is a symptom of my disease).
I don't live with my A anymore but when I did, I got so sick of this exact scenario...every single time I needed to leave the house he would throw hurtful comments that left me stewing and obsessing and hurting all day...(I believe he did this by design because he wanted me obsessing about him while I was away from the house)..that I just ceased communicating with him before leaving the house. I just got ready and left and if he came to say goodbye I kept it to a hug and a "cya". If he didn't then I just left without seeking him out at all. I found my mood improved a lot when I was out and he ceased the morning nastiness when he stopped getting a reaction from me and usually came to the door to say a friendly goodbye instead.. You can't make him be nice in the mornings but you can make your mornings nicer!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I used to always try and 'talk about it'. Boy, that's exhausting and really didn't work. I've talked till I'm blue in the face.
The nastiness (and oh my word I was also accused of changing) was really upsetting but eventually I stopped reacting. I guess I did change after all. I didn't let him know which buttons were working. That just annoyed him more. I was accused of having an affair with countless men, my best friend (a woman) and of all sorts of other things. None of which were true and BECAUSE a they were untrue, I'd get angry that he could think that of me. Funny enough, he didn't think them either, he was simply playing games and testing my reaction. He still tries
I think they feel the change in us and that panics them so instead of rising up too, they try to pull us down. That's far easier isn't it?!
Don't take it personally. It's not about you, but don't be a dormat either. Screaming, shouting and crying doesn't work. Stay calm (and collapse later if need be) but simply say that you don't accept being spoken to like that or something similar.
I have been there SO many times myself. The fact that my AW and I have nearly an hour commute together each morning and evening really extends the length of time that she can say things like that and I am stuck in the car with her while she says them.
What works for me is walking away (or, in the car, not making eye contact or responding to anything she says). It did get easier to not let this ruin my day with practice. As soon as I am away from her, I run to this message board, or listen to music that puts me in a good mood. For me, when my wife says that I act as if she doesn't X, I say "I am sorry that you feel that way." and walk away. When she complains that I have changed, I say "I need to focus on myself and my needs, because I have been very unhappy for a long time. I am sorry that you do not like the changes I need to make in order to be happier." and walk away. When my wife starts whining or stomping, or throwing a temper tantrum, it really helps me to make myself recognize those actions for the childish actions they are: My wife tends to use toddler-aged bad behavior when she doesn't get her way (whining and loud temper tantrums). She very seldom goes for the teenage-sulk/silent treatment. When I leave the house during one of her temper tantrums, I say "I am leaving for work now. I will see you when I get home." and then I leave.
I think, for me, it is important to keep my cool and not to respond. When I respond, she recognizes how to push my buttons, and then she pushes them. (She knows I HATE whining, and it is her go-to technique for getting her way. when I stop responding, she eventually stops the behavior.) What I do for myself is write about what is going on, because then I can put it aside, and not let it ruin my day.
I hope you have a better day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I know how you feel. My AH used to be VILE in the mornings. Now he has progressed to INTOLERABLE. I still avoid talking to him in the mornings.
Would leaving a note be a way to avoid the actual contact and still impart the information?
He "refused" to say goodbye.... well that's on him... let him not say good bye. YOU say "bye" and you leave and if he doesn't. that's on him.
my e/s/h
the other day my husband went all dry drunk on me on the phone. I said "I can't talk to you I gotta go now" and i hung up.
I was a little upset but "not my circus not my monkeys" and I managed to let it go.
by the time I got home I was over it. (practicing loving detachment) and I was nice to him when I got home.
two things happened that had never happened before (based on my following the program to the best of my ability which is all we can do)
he apologized for yelling. (HE HAD NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME BEFORE for ANYTHING)
and he said "I know you didn't have to get off the phone you just did not want to talk to me when I was yelling" and he was fine with that.
baby steps. it's all you can do.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Wow, Mich. My wife has ALSO accused me of having/wanting to have an affair with friends, co-workers, office-mates, you name it.
Until I read your share, I didn't see that as an alcoholic, manipulative behavior. Eye opener right there! I shall no longer be engaging on conversations about my supposed affairs, or the suspected attraction I have for people I work with on a daily basis.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I think I have changed, he sees it and it is freaking him out a bit. He is trying to push buttons to get some control back. All I can do is control myself, how I carry myself and how I react. Sometimes when I am successfully able to stay calm and not react, it lets him feel like the psycho one for a change!
Some days I feel like "I can do this!" and other days I wonder if I can play this game for the rest of my life...I am just hoping that with practice it will get easier.
And, with practice, it will get easier. It did for me.
As for the rest of your life, well, I do what I can today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. I have spent too much time regretting the past and worrying about the future. Enjoying today is an art, and one I am improving upon with practice.
-- Edited by Skorpi on Wednesday 25th of March 2015 01:30:05 PM
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
The concept of One Day at a Time really does help to stop the overwhelmed feelings sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder. It baffles me how simple the slogans are, but how easy I can sometimes forget the one I need.
I have found giving myself something else to look forward to stops me from obsessing as deeply. A coffee made by someone else is my quick fix to shift my mood. Its not just the coffee, but the saying good morning part, people watching, flicking through the paper, being part of the social stew even in a small way. It is very hard to be with a steel wall of a partner, sharp edges and a non adhesive surface. Somewhere in there is a human being, with limited relating skills. Hope your day gets better.
I also had those mornings-after with my wife. Those were the worst, she was rational enough to have a conversation, and filled with shame enough to just want to hurt anybody, and I happened to be there. They weer some of the worst arguments we ever had, round and round and round. I finally avoided talking to her in the morning as well. If I had to, then I detached, and ignored any reactions. Before I joined Al Anon, I had my own acronym for it - she was DRY - Denying, Rationalizing, and Yelling.
Now with Al Anon I know to QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally. it is there disease talking. Mind you, it may be more than their disease. There are plenty of people that are jerks whether alcohol is involved or not. But it is not about you, it is about them feeling physically bad, but also shame - way deep down, I think most As know they are out of control, but don't know how to get out, and tell themselves all kinds of rationalizations to stay in, so the shame builds more.
QTIP is easier said than done, takes some practice, but well worth it.
I have a question and please understand that I'm genuinely interested in the answer, not trying to mask it as a 'how could you' question. There is no judgement, I'm just not sure of the situations...
Many of the people here in this thread are still living with their partners. Is it because these A partners are going through the programme and getting help and need the support?
I stayed with my AH for many reasons even though the conditions were horrible.
I was terrified of my financial situation if I left him as he was the bread winner and I have two boys
I didn't want to get divorced for the second time
I honestly wanted a happy marriage and grow old together and thought this would pass some day
I thought he needed me
At one stage,I loved him
You seem to be so strong. You seem far nicer than I am because you are supporting your A partner and not walking out despite going through the same thing I am. You've learnt the steps and use the tools and yet from your posts you do get hurt so there obviously still love there.
I know Im asking an incredibly personal question and I am sorry. I'm trying to make sense of my reaction and your huge ability to forgive. Does it all come down to 'in love' vs 'out of love'?
I am not sure which one of us your question is for, but I will give some of my reasons for staying if that helps...
I am still in love with my husband, we still have good days occasionally and I am reminded of why I am with him. Unfortunately these good days are what make the bad ones so much worse. I feel like happiness is just out of arms length and I have become bitter and angry because I blame him for keeping it just out of reach. I am in the stage now where I want to learn about this disease and try to understand it, so that I stop projecting so much anger towards him. I want to find a way to live happy, whether he drinks or not. I am not sure if that is possible for me while living with him, but for now, I am willing to try. I have come very close to telling him I am leaving (with an 11 month old baby on my hip) but I haven't threatened it. I never want to threaten it, until I am serious. I usually turn to my journal when the anger gets to that level. It give me a change to stop and think about why I would be leaving. For me that action is deep down an attempt to scare him sober, to make him realize what he would be losing... and rationally I know that won't work. I can't control or manipulate his disease with threats or actions. When and if the time comes that I decide to leave the home and the marriage, it needs to be for me and for my son, if I feel like leaving is the only way for the two of us to happy, then I will do it. But so far, my thoughts of leaving are for the wrong reasons so I have not acted on them.
The strength and clarity only comes in waves, there are days where I revert back to reacting to everything he throws at me and all it does is leave me miserable. Work in progress!
CoopsMom, that was a wonderful explanation of what is going on with you, thanks so much for opening up and sharing in such an honest, straightforward manner!
That makes perfect sense. I'm not naive enough to think that love will miraculously conquer all, but it is a crucial component. Without love there's no point and if you have it, grab it with both hands.
Love is not in my relationship any more. I kept thinking we could fall in love again or that it was there but just dormant etc etc I was in denial and desperately afraid to admit the truth. I think I built up a barrier to protect myself and I built it too thick.
Thank you for the answer. I wish you a wonderful weekend. All of you
Mich, my STBXAH also accused me of having an affair with women, men, whatever, LOL.
As to the original question posed by Coopsmom. I lived like that for so many years and I had to really learn how to NOT take the bait. Everything he said was meant to cause me to defend myself or my behavior, it was always used as a way to get the focus off of him and onto something else. Alcoholics have a syndrome which I like to call the "Don't look at me syndrome". They will do whatever it takes to take that mirror and turn it away from facing themselves. So, of course, when they turn the mirror around, it's facing YOU. Try to keep that in mind when you are dealing with him. Compassion is key but so is your own serenity and peace.
For me, I had to learn how to just nod my head and say, "Hmm, let me think about that", or "You may be right". I came up with things to say that neutralized things as best as I could to disarm him and make my burden less than it already was. You can tell them that they are right, even when you know that YOU are right because really, knowing the truth for yourself is all that matters. Once I dropped the rope in having to be right or having to have the last word, etc my life got easier.
Hugs to you. I no longer live with active alcoholism. I fell out of love with my AH over the years because of the emotional and mental torture from the disease. It took it's toll on me but I've learned to be grateful for the alcoholism because it taught me who I am and what I want moving forward. Your lessons will be different. Wishing you all the best as you move forward. Keep coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Coopsmum, you are well on your way to serenity and i think its fantasttic your waking up while your child is a baby. Ive often thought about what life would have been like if i had become enlightened way back then. My children and me would have had a good happy healthy life.i dont look back and stare mind you, so no long lasting regrets. I remember feeling exactly like you did 3 yrs ago when i became a member. I waited a while for the right motives before making major changes and the changes were huge for me. My life has completely changed. Your determination comes through and i am excited for you. Keeping coming back, keep sharing your journey.x
Boy I've been through this it feels like a million times with my son who is an A. I get told "You treat me like a kid" I want to scream "YOU ACT LIKE A KID"!!! With this disease the person stops maturing at the age they start using, so when I speak with my son I feel like I am talking to a teenager not a grown man. Actually we are going through this right now as he wants to move back home to get a "Fresh Start". I've lost count on all the "fresh starts" we've given. Son not in recovery, still thinks he can stop on his own (which has yet to happen) and he doesn't want his addiction to be talked about at all. Says "That's all you see when you look at me". It's very frustrating and thankfully I can jump on here every morning for a meeting and get back to living in the moment. We adore our son as most parents adore their children, we try when he is being responsible to give praise and encouragement with hopes he continues that behavior. But if he's in a mood nothing we say is what he wants to hear.
