The material presented
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So, I spoke with my realtor yesterday. She had met with my AH and shown him a house. She believes that the only asset I have claim to is this house. I have no control over AH's 401K, pension, or his inheritance. The house is the only thing that has my name on it.
She said that AH was excited about the house and she thinks we should sell this house we're in, that I should take the rental right away, and that AH can move into his new home when he closes on it. She is confident that our house will sell very quickly because it would be the only one in our neighborhood for sale with a pool and with open view fencing to the desert. We do have the most desirable lot in the neighborhood and the lot, apparently, came with a huge lot premium and many of the new buyers were bidding on it to take the lot when this neighborhood was being built 8 years ago. Many of my neighbors will wistfully say, "Oh, I remember when we placed a bid on that lot. Didn't get it, though, but my husband always loved your property." LOL, it's kind of funny actually because there are a lot of things I DON'T like about it now that I'm here.
Anyway, enough about the house. Her plan is to get our house sold ASAP so that I can get the money out of it. She is very good at working with my AH and has fantastic people skills. He, for some reason, trusts her enough to listen to her instead of me and that helps when it comes to getting him to agree on things, etc.
I sent an email to my lawyer and told her that I'm still sitting on the fence about a few things but that I would be calling on Monday. I'm not sure what to do about this rental house. The owners have now told me that I could sign a 6 month lease and they also lowered the rent $50 a month AND they are leaving me the kitchen table and the huge entertainment center in the family room. The furniture isn't my style (too contemporary) but it's furniture and it will keep me from spending money on those things right now.
It's like this rental home is just looking better and better......and yet, I'm still wondering if I leave, will I be giving up something in the process by leaving this home? Way too many what if's going through my head and then I hear Jerry say, "What if not?"
Then, the flip side is: If I leave this home, I will be leaving chaos. I won't be listening to hungover snoring every morning. I won't be seeing a depressed man sitting on my couch all day long or sleeping for hours of the daytime. We won't be hearing foxnews blaring on the TV before dinner. I won't have to feel like I am a target where I have to hide because I know he will be searching for me to 'talk to me' and 'discuss our situation', I'll be able to rely on email and voicemail. Limiting contact right now just sounds so good. I need a break from his antics, I really do. The question still remains: what is God's will here and am I executing His will for my life and am I trusting myself and the process? I have been hitting my knees multiple times a day and every waking moment is spent in praying. And, even though, I want to believe my realtor when she is confident that my house will sell and that I can get on with my life quickly, I still wonder.....what if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a job? What if he drags me to court and we lose everything? Then, maybe losing everything is what needs to happen because what I'll gain in the process is my freedom from a toxic marriage. I may not have financial freedom, but I will be free in ways that may bring me serenity again. UGH.....too much thinking today, LOL!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
In similar situations I try to quiet all the anxious thoughts running through my mind.......going for a long walk or taking a hot shower/bath help me......and I just tell HP I am waiting to do HP's will. So far it has brought miracles into my life......hope this helps
Andromeda: I don't have any e/s/h to share with you in this situation. I do have a big question: Is the realtor qualified to give you legal advice. Reading what you've written, I just see a gal wanting to sell a house. I don't know the laws in your state, but I wouldn't trust the opinion of a person who is not licensed to give you legal advice.
First off it's Sunday .. LOL .. nothing is going to happen today as far as legal decision making .. I would just encourage you to enjoy your day and let this other stuff go. I wish I had done more of this early on however .. it's early on and it's overwhelming that is putting it mildly.
If you need to make that pro's and con's list and I bet right there that says it all .. it sounds to me as if letting go of the house means that this will be a place of reality hitting the pavement and that is scary it's easier for things to stay the same than things to change. After all if things change that means there is the unknown of what is going on.
Other than that just breathe .. no matter what I was reminded again last night that God always gives me what I need .. it might not be what I want .. it is always what I need if I will just let go long enough to allow the process to happen.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I wanted to add that anxiety is fear of the unknown and not being able to control the outcome of the situation .. I had to accept that no matter what I could not be in control of the outcome as only the God of my understanding has the big picture in this whole mess. So do I want to walk around with knots in my stomach or do I want to enjoy what is in the NOW? I am learning to enjoy the right now :)
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
What works for me when I am churning is to let the churning go in the background and I do quiet sitting, inviting in the one that knows what is best for me. Sometimes it helps me to sit in an empty chapel.
No Grateful, she is not a lawyer. She is waiving her fees though, on everything for me so this isn't about her making money. I laid in bed this AM for 1/2 hour trying to find that quiet space, quieting my mind, connecting with some spiritual inner guidance, and just trying to listen. All I heard was, "Take the rental and get out." My big problem is that I don't know if that was my will or God's will. Was I hearing this because it's what I want to hear, because it's how I want things to play out selfishly in my own favor? I don't know and so it becomes difficult for me to discern whether I should take that leap and just get out or whether I should stay put until further legal documents are in place and there is more concrete movement with this divorce.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I have heard the phrase repeatedly in 12-step groups, God doesn't speak in code. Ask God to clarify God's will for you. I don't know if this will work for you, Andromeda. It does work for me.
Andromeda: I don't have any e/s/h to share with you in this situation. I do have a big question: Is the realtor qualified to give you legal advice. Reading what you've written, I just see a gal wanting to sell a house. I don't know the laws in your state, but I wouldn't trust the opinion of a person who is not licensed to give you legal advice.
oh my goodness!!!! thank you grateful for saying what I was thinking....NEVER heard of a realtor dong THAT, unless she has a legal degree?????? Andromeda, what does your gut instinct tell you??? when you are quiet, still and not mind racing, what do you "hear" inside of you re: this question??????? Just thinking maybe if you "get still" your HP can whisper to you the "what do you do" answer.....hugs
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I do know that when MIL divorced her husband after 10+ years of marriage she has been able to lay claim on some of his social security omce he retires or dies. There was no 401k left and the house went into foreclosure.
I do agree that it sounds like an overzealous salespersom, but that doesn't mean it isn't what you should do, just that it may be harder than what the agent says.
Previiusly you have really, really tried to work this out, and were rebuffed by criticism and irrationality at every turn. What do you want now? If you continue in the situation you are now in could it become hazardous to someone's health? Put someone in danger if it keeps going further? (him or you or son?)
I can understand that too-ing and fro-ing over decisions, throw in a deadline and my brain goes mushy. I like the silencing my mind, stay in the moment, today has pleasures to be had. This moment is all that really matters right now. Forcing a solution hasnt worked for me.
I do know that no matter what decisions i have made there are good and bad consequences, theres never really a fail safe option, i dont think life works like that. Whatever you decide there will be discomfort at some stage, it might be the wrong decision but whats the worst that can happen? Either way, theres some valuable learning. What do you really want? It might be worth exploring that, take out everything except you, forget your son for a moment, he will be good whatever with a happy mum, forget about the material goods, the money etc. What do you want?
Kenny, that's where my mind keeps going. I feel anxiety coming every time I pull into the driveway. My heart racing, lightheaded, etc. I'm just so damn tired of living in the same house with this man and I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, I also don't want to jump the gun and go running out the door if that isn't what is in my best interest. I may just have to suffer a little bit longer. It is damaging to my son to find dad's beer cans, like he did yesterday, but I can't control that. It's damaging to all of us to live with someone who is chronically depressed and angry. This is not a fun way to live and I'm ready to just run away or find a nice way to die. I don't know how much longer I can continue to walk around this house trying to function like a functioning person and keep it all afloat.
I've never thought about suicide but death sure does sound great right now.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Piggybacking onto Kenny's thread: I was sick when I learned that if I had stayed the course with my x for 10 years rather than 8, even if he remarried, I was still entitled to some of his SS earnings. Then, I remembered - "Oh, yeah! I couldn't have lived with him another two years. One of us if not both of us would probably have died in that mess."
Sounds like youve got your answer. If death sounds better than this then its time to make the necessary changes. Life is pretty short. These legal situations can take a long time from what i understand so potentially you could be posting this same post in years from now unless you listen to whats going on inside. Im sorry you feel this way. Ive felt like this too and i didnt do anything about it until it reached crisis point and people do get hurt and did get hurt in my case.
The apartment has gone down in price, it has furniture, its available for 6 months. Maybe your answer has been staring you in the face. What is it your hanging on too? What is it thats worth you feeling this way?
I'm all about when in doubt don't however if it's driven by fear then I need to take a look at all my options .. Make sure you talk your atty always do what is in your best interest you can't go wrong. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
El Cee, my sponsor told me that maybe my AH's drunken episode on Friday night was the sign I needed to show me to go and take that apartment. She said you may have been looking for a more specific sign. My son is being exposed to this now. My son was baffled by how dad can pull off an overnight binge, sleep all day Saturday and basically be incoherent, and then act like nothing happened and be perfectly normal on Sunday. It's time for us to go.
Serenity, I'm getting more frustrated with my attorney. She won't give me any more advice unless I pay her $5000 retainer fee now(guess I can't blame her, LOL, it is her job to make money). I am going to try to find another free consultation for later this week.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hugs Andromeda.
I can relate to feeling so fed up and tired that death seems like a viable option. I do believe that it is always darkest before the dawn, and sometimes dawn can take an awfully long time to arrive.
I also relate to your desire for the relationship to end yet your fear that he will "go running out the door" before you are ready.
In my experience I came to realise that it was my uncertainty that kept the dawn from coming. I wasn't sure exactly what i wanted, i didn't want him to go running off until I was sure..but life got more and more difficult and my "luck" just went from bad to worse until finally am at a point where ALL I want is a stable, crazy-free home for mydaughter and myself and there is NO WAY I will have A living in it now or ever. And now things are working out at last. Although I cannot know HP's motives I feel as though I had to go through a lot of pain in order to really understand my own motives and priorities and it really was "tough love" from HP.
I hope you find some clarity soon and you are able to move in the direction you want to at last.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
In times of high pressure, we're always anxious to make the optimum decision.
It seems to me that the situation may be this. It may be that you don't feel a 100% feeling toward either of your choices because none of them is a bad choice. I'd bet that the truth is that you will be fine whichever way you choose. You have your support system, your sponsor, your emotional health and your HP. That's what you need to be well in any of the situations.
I like revisiting situations I use to be in when I first reached the doors of Al-Anon and then decided to work it as suggested. I've been in this situation also as many of us have. I drove myself nuts trying to arrive at solution without experience and that was where the experiences of the fellowship became handy. I didn't have to rely on stuff I didn't have I could attempt and try to duplicate what worked for others in the program. It worked!! I got sponsorship and one of the lessons was to problem solve over short periods of time rather than all the time. I was taught to make an appointment with a certain issue and attend the appointment and when the time was over...leave it. Have something else to do. Another thing I learned I call backward thinking. I use to consider and plan solutions in my head (dangerous place often) without having a clear idea how or what I wanted to come about...I was trying to arrive at luck until my sponsor taught me, "Decide what it is that you want to achieve and get and then do the thing necessary to get it". DUH!! rocket science. Decide on what I wanted to happen first. How stunning was that!!!?? Today I know that it is how outcomes should really be. Just some ESH from my journey. (((((hugs)))))
So today I made an appointment with another attorney for a consultation and I also spoke with an awesome mediator! She was so dang helpful and I was really grateful for her phone time today. She made things seem so doable. She also came highly recommended from an anesthesiologist friend. Anyway, I am really hoping that things move along and I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I will be meeting with the owner of the home I'm going to rent tomorrow to go over some things and sign lease papers. WOW!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Wow! You are on the move, Andromeda. You are going to sign the papers and rent the house tomorrow. Glad you found a mediator that might be a big help to you in the process and a new attorney, too. $5,000 retainer for the other attorney? I'd rather go on 3 to 4 cruises for that. (((B)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 26th of January 2015 05:15:03 PM
I'm glad you are taking your time and thinking your decision through. When I knew it was time to go things came together like you're describing and I flew and continue to break free from all the old dysfunctions. Knowing what I have learned through al-anon life just keeps getting better, hard, but easier to breathe! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks BF! I do feel like it's coming together, while things at home are falling apart, which is to be expected.
Since this is the continuation thread, LOL, I will tell you all that my AH AGAIN last night went out drinking and came home to drink some more. He kept us up again last night constantly rooting around in the kitchen like a pig does for slop. I swear that's what it sounded like when I was half asleep in bed. Rummaging through the fridge, opening boxes, chewing loudly, etc.
So, at 2:20 AM (my son and I hadn't fallen asleep until after 1:30 AM ) I go out to tell him, "Hey, you know, you're making a lot of noise." He says very loudly, "No, that's ok." Say what?
Now, what I really got a kick out of yesterday is that he really does think he should stay in this house and not move. OK, so he's back to staying so how is he going to buy me out? Hmmm. And, he proclaimed that he's already got a plan about how he's going to fix things around here, how he's going to take care of the pool, etc. Personally, if he wanted to know how to take care of the pool he should have gotten out of bed on Saturday night to come watch me and ask me, but no, he laid in bed and watched TV instead. Yeah, right, he's going to take care of this house when I'm gone. UGH, I know I'll be coming back here often to pull weeds, scrub the pool, etc.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yes, Paula he is. I am exhausted. I have physical therapy for my back in an hour and I feel like my legs are jello. I didn't fall asleep until after 3 and I had to get up at 6:30 AM. I was NOT happy when that alarm went off. Thank goodness we homeschool so that my son can sleep in and we'll just start lessons a few hours late.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yup. There it is. The continual mental twisting in the wind that doesn't have any teeth in it. The reminder to watch what is done rather than to listen to what is said comes to mind. You have a program that can help you stay grounded and listening to the next right step to take that is grounded and solid and living one day at a time. I'm glad you do, Andromeda. Even planning to come back to pull weeds, scrub the pool may not be necessary? He will continue to spin and drink more. Who knows what the future holds? Glad to see you here today with a smile on your face in spite of his bizarre behaviors, mental instability and your interrupted and much needed sleep.
I think the smile is there but there's gritting teeth behind it, LOL. I am bone tired and am congested (probably from the rain last night) and quite frankly miserable. I am working on an asset spreadsheet right now double checking what is easily liquidated at this point and trying to stay on top of everything else, too. While he was out drinking last night, I was calculating my grocery expenses from the last 2 months trying to figure out why the heck we spend $1000 a month on groceries?? Unbelievable what food costs these days, right!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I don't know how you do it, Andromeda. If I was that tired and hurting physically, too, I just couldn't look at numbers. I'd be like "ahhhhh, who cares? I'll come back to this when I'm not so darn tired." I do hope you can get some real rest today? Maybe after he's passed out if he passes out? I can do about 2 days of not enough sleep and I fall down before I can lie down. Sending you prayers for peace and restful repose.
I SIGNED the LEASE today! Such a nice young couple and the house is larger than I thought. I hope the electric and other services aren't out of my budget because the rent was already on the high side. It will be a lovely temporary place to live for now. I am scared, so many variables, just trying to keep my head up.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
