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It's sort of coming from all sides just now. But I think I'm coping OK. Excuse the fact that there is a lot of grizzling in this post. I think it's all coming from a reasonably healthy place as I become accustomed to not responding to garbage from the garbologists in my life.
Mother has returned from her holiday and has been so very, very unpleasant. Constant facebook messages, all either about her holiday or unkind and negative; I mentioned something really positive I am doing that I am excited about and she responded with "I see" and then went on to more negatives, some of them really quite nasty. Oh that's right, pearls before swine.... I am barely responding, I am so not interested in taking the bait. She seems quite angry that I am responding little and simply continuing to be cheerful and polite to her. In fact if I'm honest, I've never been this detached before with mother and it's a little bit dreadful to see how angry she is getting and how hard she is trying now to shake my tree. It will be interesting to see how far she takes it if I can manage to stay detached and not buy into the nasty. I think I can stay the course, I am in a good position and feeling very positive overall.
For example, when they took the fridge from my house there was still a big chunk of ice at the bottom of the freezer and a small package trapped in it. I was trying to pick it out of the ice, but she told me to just leave it and she'd pull it out later when it had melted. So yesterday a post on facebook appeared by my sister claiming that they had been searching the garage for a "dead animal but what we found was so much worse, was this your idea of revenge?, you left rotting meat in the freezer". I didn't get into this discussion as firstly I don't eat meat and certainly didn't have any in the freezer, and also, I had said I was going to wipe out the fridge when I went to collect my clothes etc but I was told I may not attend the house so what might I have done about it? I untagged myself from her post and ignored it; I'm not jumping in to a public argument and how incredibly rude and nasty to post that on facebook in the first place.
So today my mother has been commenting on all of my stuff with nasty barbs, I have even had messages from friends asking ..."what on earth, why is your mum saying this bitchy stuff to you on facebook?" Most of it is about how my dog is going to eat the poor little baby goats here at this house...I posted a picture of him running on the beach and she said "Thank God he isn't chasing poor little baby goats", I mentioned I was thinking of making goats milk soap and was discussing the ingredients on facebook with people and she commented "Oh please don't harm those poor goats". On what planet would I harm an animal? So she asked me what I am getting my daughter for Christmas and, since I have told her I wont share my gift ideas for my daughter as she always rushes out and buys them first, I told her "I'm going to get her a dinosaur". So of course she replied "Oh great, it will eat the poor goats".
And, how are these poor people I am living with coping with me? And how is poor daughter and how is poor anyone who has to be involved with me basically.....and have I been selling any cosmetics, well that's not very good what a waste of time and....
No she isn't being funny, she is picking out all of my insecurities and hammering them over and over and over. I am a bit disgusted with her actually, this is probably the first time in my life that I have lived away from anyone abusive at all and been in a generally friendly and positive environment and the reality of how deliberately nasty she is is a bit shocking.
So anyway when she didn't get much of a response other than niceties from me she decided to tell me "so we had to clean your fridge today, you left some disgusting lentil crap in there and it had maggots in it". Mhhm.....she went on and on saying "I've never seen maggots before it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, I can't believe you left it there blah blah blah blah blah". You know I find it quite difficult to believe that a couple of lentil burgers....vacuum sealed and still inside a box inside a freezer inside a fridge inside the garage mind you... were so rancid they traumatised the entire family but whatever, I didn't reply and I think I will just unfriend her and not communicate with her anymore because she's just being awful beyond belief.
A has also been sending messages about how much he loves me and misses me, he actually told me all of this stuff he knew about me, about my hopes and dreams and things that I worry about etc..and how much he wants to support me to reach my goals and blah blah.I was shocked and eventually said "you had me for almost 9 years and never cared about any of this stuff, why on earth are you saying it all now?" and now he is sad and heartbroken apparently...well I am just not speaking to him either, it's all pretty transparent and I don't even want to know about any of it. He had his chance, what a nerve he has to turn around now and try to prove to me that he is my greatest supporter and he even asked 'what do I have to do to prove it to you?"...it is insulting that he thinks I will fall for this but, i was silly to be communicating with him so, I insulted myself really.
My aunt started with the messages yesterday too, I mentioned something I want to do and how I am not sure if I can juggle being a mum and more activities and she said "why would you care, you just let your poor daughter raise herself anyway" OK, I just blocked her, what is WITH these people? They are so TOXIC!!! What would she know about my mothering habits? We see her once a freaking year! So I guess these are the discussions my family members are all having about me in my absense, with no provocation or reason and, I guess it isn't my business anyway so, pfft. Yes, I know i have just had a big vent about it but that's the bottom line, I say pfft to these people and their piddly nasty made up horribleness.
Do you know in the entire time I have been dealing with the move and the potential homelessness and the general difficulties my mother and company have not had one kind or even semi-caring thing to say? Not one.
Pfft to the lot of them. It just doesn't work on me anymore and only serves to reinforce for me just how much I want to create and sustain a life that is abuse free and filled with joy and NOT constantly rained all over by spiteful people and their insecurities.
Pfft I tell you! Pfft!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The Al-Anon suggestion to break the isolation looks good on you, Mel. Unfortunately for your family and the A - they don't have a program so that criticism committee is yapping all day long in their heads and they don't know how to leave the meeting. You do. Great progress.
I agree MsM." Pfft " to them . Remember that being powerless and that" what other people think or say about us is none of our business".really is true .
Keep using your tools. Maybe not reading mom 's face book page would help greatly.
The cruelty towards you by your family was difficult for me to read. I am sorry that your mother cannot see the beauty that she birthed into this world. And we get to reap the gifts of knowing you and she chooses to reject those gifts. I dont think I will ever fully understand why families choose to be cruel to one another. You handled all of this beautifully, Melly.
Good plan Betty. They've been posting their stuff onto my page so that all of my friends can read it too but, I have always maintained I like facebook for sharing funnies and also for the great way you can ask a question of your friends and have a discussion, for example..."has anyone got a good recipe for such and such?" etc. I really enjoy that aspect of facebook. And for moments like "I can't find my phone, can someone ring it for me" lol, a very handy function. But I am in no way interested in drama or sniping and have always deleted people that liked to engage in that sort of thing. So, one size fits all when it comes to boundaries I have decided.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
And thanks Catherine and Paula, it's just so true that the more I engage with and surround myself with loving and validating people, the less patience I have for negativity and nastiness. This program really is teaching me to love and be loved and that's not something I would have forseen, i thought it was just about learning to "not care" when I started.
(((everyone))) and thank-you all so very very much!!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have needed healthy people to mirror for me the good things that are within me....now, I am better able to do the same for others. You are a blessing, Melly.
I am so pleased that you are with people who can compliment and enhance you these days. I have always felt that sniping says more about the sniper than it does about me and in general I feel sorry for those that are hurting enough to behave that way. However I am learning that those barbs do sting and since we often want to like people who hurl them, they can even be hurtful. You are so much better and more than they describe. It is a good thing to be learning that we can choose who we interact with, and how, isn't it?
You know, we have some family members (my uncle and aunt and my cousins by them) that ceased joining in family activities or taking an interest in the drama a long time ago. They turn up to Christmas usually but sometimes not if they are away on holidays...and they are just generally very happy positive people who live their own lives. So of course they are much maligned and derided by all of us (I used to join in) because they are "selfish" and "don't care about the rest of the family". In fact I mentioned two of them a few weeks ago when I was in a dreadfully low and sad place and I had contacted and asked them if, being very spiritual people, they would mind praying for me. And they did and offered me so much love and support, as well as follow ups ever since to see how I am fairing, even though I have barely spoken to them for many years prior to this. I felt a real warm and loving glow surrounding me just from speaking to them for a short time.
So it is an interestingly (and actually not all that sad) thing to realise that if I choose to not engage with the family drama and spitefulness, I will probably become one of those maligned family members who is spoken ill of frequently and am not there to defend myself. In fact I have probably been exactly that for years since I have lived away yet continued to care and worry about what they all thought about me.That is part and parcel of this process I guess, because in letting go of the spite and unkindness, I have to accept that they will continue to talk about me, make stuff up and generally paint me as a dreadful evil Jezebel. That's sort of what happens when you drop the rope and walk away...and it will be painful because I will hear back from others these things that are said about me...all of my siblings bar one live at my parents house and now that I have not returned to their toxic home as planned, look at the ridiculous drama they have made out of a couple of old lentil burgers....it must have been a hot topic of conversation in the house for days now. To create so much drama and curse someone's name SO much over something so infestimably small is mind-boggling. But it will be like this, probably more and more, and that's OK because I don't have any control over what they think or say, I only have control over my part in it. And I choose for that part to be none at all. I shall be the 3 wise monkeys of the family henceforth.
Now, I WILL go to Christmas because my daughter will enjoy it, I love to see my grandmother enjoying putting on her Christmas fiesta for everyone, and I will not have any expectations nor allow myself to be upset by the other stuff. Mother will want to sit next to me and tell me how unfair everything is and how no-one appreciates her and how someone said she didn't cook the broccoli enough and someone else didn't even bother to say her apple sauce was nice and she doesn't even know why she bothers and she hates Christmas and blah blah blah and look at THEM just sitting there smiling and laughing and not even caring..... Aunt will want to say nasty barbed comments about my life and my choices and my mothering skills. Brothers and sisters will be the drunkest people there and bring disgrace on our poor poor mother who won't be able to get drunk until she has driven everyone home or up the wall, whichever comes first. And I think this year, I will just be prepared well in advance to enjoy my day and wear my santa hat with a big pair of ear-muffs underneath. They will do what they do, and this part of things is probably going to keep getting worse as I get better and that's OK, I'll just take it as a sign that I am on the right path.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I just got a message from my brother...who has not spoken to me for maybe 6 months...saying 'you are so stupid, how the *** does someone leave meat in a freezer, thats so disgusting you are an IDIOT".
Good grief, I am at a loss for words really. Guess they really got a good drama out of this one?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Well, Melly, I am not at a loss of words...just wish I could express them on a public forum while I am forgetting to remember what I know to be true...there is a gold nugget somewhere in everyone's heart. Sounds like there are asshats in every family...ok, some of the words leaked out Seems it is my word of the day!
LOL Paula, and since my brother and I used to have a pretty close relationship I did call him something of that nature and told him I have heard more than enough about the petty food in the freezer debacle. After a long pause I got an apology which was very unexpected and appreciated.
He also delivered the news that my sister has been going to neighbourhood watch meetings and spying on the neighbours (in case they err on the wrong side of the law).
Dismay has given way to giggles now. I am so very, very glad not to be living in that home where love is expressed with insults and petty insanity and side-taking and looking for things other people might be doing wrong so they can be vilified.
I do love my brother, on a recent visit my mother was listing the things I had done to wrong her that day with reckless abandon and he entered the conversation and said "you're very ungrateful Mum, you know we spent hours planning out how Melissa would upset you today and all you have done is complain about it. Next time we won't even bother".
Counting my blessings right now, I am so grateful for this safe place to stay...so grateful for these kind people...so grateful for this program and all of you here...so very, VERY grateful!!!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ms M. why not" de friend "them all and then they could not disturb you with their insanity . I found that in my alcoholic family there was always one in the family that they poked fun at, in order to feel that they all were superior. It is another negative tool of the disease. Make your asset list and know your worth
This is alcoholism - alive and well - doing what it always does. There is an impish older child who lives in me who might reply if only in my mind to my brother's question: "How could you....blah, blah, blah" "Brother. I did it on purpose. I knew it would give you all something to talk about. So, even though I don't eat meat, I made sure to make a run to the butcher's right before you all came to help me move. If I'm going to smell things up for you, I want to make sure I do it right."
That is the only sane choice, Betty. And I apologise because this has really become absurd and shame on me for even giving it space in my head!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Lol Catherine, my impish child was thinking perhaps I could arrange to have a delivery of meat made to their home, addressed to me and with a note asking that it be placed in my freezer for me.....
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
When life hands me grievances, criticism and complaints, I can notice them and let 'em sail on by or turn it all into a wonderful comedy. I like to create "on the spot operettas" that turns the drama into life giving laughter. And sometimes, I kinda like the drama, too.
Hmm now I'm thinking the meat could be delivered by a singing telegram....singing a little operetta...
"I'm sorry..for the troubles you've all had
I'm sorry..that my old lentils made you sad
I'm hoping...this box of meat will make you glad"
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It sounds like your mum has some mental heal4h issues way beyond your control. You do have control over your block button or unfriend. Dont stand for it, mother or no mother. She has no right to treat you like this but will while you continue to take it. My friend went through this and she ended up writing her mother a letter and told it to her straight but not in a mean way. They never spoke for a while but now they have a good relationship, her mother learned thatif she wanted to be in the company of her daughter then she had to behave herself. Simple.
Pfffttt!!! I agree!!! Now that you are making major life changes, I would think they would be happy for you. There's somewhere in Al anon where it says "when we change, it's hard for people to accept." Something like that anyway. Maybe your mom is jealous that you don't have an active A living with you and she does. She wants you to feel her pain maybe? She can't stand the thought of you being happy? Who knows. It's just so sad. Sounds like you've been handling it well. Maybe you should just leave that stuff in the fridge and let them deal with it?
As fas as the A, I understand. My AH supposedly isn't drinking. He stopped about a month after I left him. So, if he hasn't been drinking...it's been about 7 months. That's the longest time he has ever been sober in the last 12 years of me living with him. So why does he suddenly see the light after I leave? It takes major changes in their lives to see what they've lost. But it's too little too late for me. Just remind yourself what it was like living with him.
Aaaaaand...I think it's very sad you think my dog will eat some goats!
And in the favorite daughter poll I see you've given me no votes!
But as I'm singing you this song i think I finally see the truuuuth
That listening to you whine is like the extracting of a toooooth
So, I hope that you will all enjoy this meat
And since we're talking about things that i don't eat
here's a great big bag of wheat!!!
Now can you please be quiet you nasty bunch of gits
Because if I'm to tell the truth you guys just all give me the s......!!!!!!!!
OH Catherine I think you should write a book of recovery tools. I sang that as an opera and am giggling my pants off. I'm adding this to my toolbox...when something is really getting to me, write an operetta about it. Brilliant
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Love the combining of your writers talent with your love for music and laughter - mixing it all up - and producing - voila - a one woman show! And helping yourself heal in the process!!!!!!!!
I love the jingle and am sitting here laughing out loud in my empty apartment! Haha, I love the positive spin you are putting on this one!!!! I have had to detach and not communicate with my only blood family (Mom and brother) these days and my daughters and I are healthier and happier for it. I don't miss them, because I have filled my life with happier, healthier people who build me up, I am done letting anyone tear me down in my life time and I am glad to hear your awareness and growth in this area too. It is hard, because they are family, but they are sick and only know how to share the toxins. I am so glad you are here! Sending you love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 20th of November 2014 04:24:40 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Mel, what evidence is there that your mom wants any of her kids to break away and be successful and independent? What evidence is there that any of your siblings value that? None. What you have described is a highly enmeshed family unit that thrives on drama and put downs to keep each other weak and interdependent and sick. Hence, this pattern repeated itself in some of your adult relationships and now you are unlearning it and developing a healthier "family of choice." Where do you think your past tendencies to tolerate chaos, putdowns, and mistreatment came from? Perhaps from a family that does that and somehow that is the example of how to love one another. It says a lot that all your adult sibling still live at home, yet you are getting criticisms? I am literally feeling a vacuum such that sickness in the family wants to punish you for getting away and then take advantage (probably not even consciously) at weak moments so maybe they can draw you back into the fold of enmeshment and so forth.
It sounds like the whole family culture is one of victimhood and blame game. People attack each other because it gets the spotlight off them for a bit. As hard as they crap on each other "in group" (within that circle living there), they crap even harder on those outside which is normal for toxic and enmeshed family units.
I think I have read a few things about your mom and stepdad and some siblings showing you love and basic caring. That has come across, but yeah....the sick drama and enmeshment comes across too. I suspect they haven't been supportive because they don't know how and that is simply not what they do. They are a family that constantly rags on each other and thrives on musical chair style scapegoating. Sounds very tiring and I would want to stop playing with them also.
In the musical that you are creating, your family would be a bunch of cockney folks sitting around the table spilling ale everywhere and saying something like "who does she think *she* is? Think's she's better than the lot a' us?? Well, we'll show 'er, we'll all just show her how miserable 'er life areta be, she areta be soddin' off just like the rest of us bloody folk, we'll do 'er a big favor and show 'er by our examples just 'ow miserable a human bein' shuld be"!
Haha kenny, thats brilliant.
Mel, we love you and think your great, a sick person behaving this way is just that a sick person, the healthier you get it becomes zero tolerance. You just wont stand for it, it will be shape up, behave or ship out. I think if you handle this one right then your sonfidence will sore. Im thinkjng of the wizard of oz for some reason and your dorothy and shes the wizard. Seems apt somehow.x
LOL Kenny but they need to be more Irish since that is where we mostly hail from on me mutter's side...
So it would need to be more like "So, who does she be thinking she is then?"
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
El-cee, I've been seeing myself as Sarah in Labyrinth lol ever since you posted that clip. I watched the movie again too, it really spoke to me and I watched it with fresh eyes. "You...have...no power over me!"
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh yes, your definately sarah. I need to watch the labyrinth again. When my daughter was wee she loved it and watched it over and over until I began to hate it, lol, I could have played a part in it. You have no power over me!!! Classic.x
Aaaaaand...I think it's very sad you think my dog will eat some goats! And in the favorite daughter poll I see you've given me no votes! But as I'm singing you this song i think I finally see the truuuuth That listening to you whine is like the extracting of a toooooth
So, I hope that you will all enjoy this meat And since we're talking about things that i don't eat here's a great big bag of wheat!!!
Now can you please be quiet you nasty bunch of gits Because if I'm to tell the truth you guys just all give me the s......!!!!!!!!
OH Catherine I think you should write a book of recovery tools. I sang that as an opera and am giggling my pants off. I'm adding this to my toolbox...when something is really getting to me, write an operetta about it. Brilliant
Love it!! So creative. I am gluten free, love the bag of wheat.
Seems it is my word of the day!
