My husbands mom passed away last winter.  One of his brothers lived with her and continues to live in the house.  This family is a farm family, so there was land involved in the mix.  To simplify this, a day after the funeral the poopoo hit the fan between the siblings.  My part was to watch, listen, respond when asked and honor the dynamics and process happening with the family.  I stayed in my space and worked my program.  There was history I was not a part of (thank God) and that history will continue to play out along with the effects of alcoholism.  My husband is the only one in recovery and it was obvious during the interactions.  Take good care during this difficult time.

My experience is similar to some of what you have shared, TT, and I ditto what Betty, Paula and Mattie share here.

Our family is large with 10 siblings - no one in recovery except me. I was incredibly grateful to the generosity of two of my BILs and two of my SILs for being supportive of all of us without inserting more into the already difficult mix. Working through a lot of the tensions with my sponsor and some of our fellowship helped me stay in program and out of harm's way. I can say that the day after the funeral, some sibs were in my Dad's house doing whatever they were doing and not letting others of us know - who don't have a key to the house and once had access to it with a security code that my POA brother changed - they were meeting there. I chose to feel my feelings, realize that I had no control over what my sibs were doing and not doing, went to my Dad's grave to say a private goodbye with my grandson in tow, and went home to my own life.

I do know that some of what my younger sibs are doing and have done were not in line with what my Mom or Dad wanted and to fight about it is a waste of my energy. Stuff and my rights were put on a back burner for me. Serenity and honoring the legacy my Dad and my Mom both offered me in their ways seemed the healthiest attitude for me to adopt. The last thing my parents would really want - especially my Dad - would be for all of us to be fighting over stuff. Turning the outcome of the estate and the behaviors of my sibs into HP's hands and trusting what is truly supposed to be mine will make it to me when it makes it to me helped. The way my sibs treat each other is also beyond my control. How I choose to treat myself in this complicated situation that is still on-going is about all I can do.

Following my father's death and the return of some of my sibs to the room, as we waited for several hours with my Dad's body for the funeral home, they were joking about ways to cut out others of us from whatever remained of my father's and mother's estate. Since one of my younger sibs is POA and there is a closeness among five of them - four who are heavy drinkers and one who is a self-proclaimed alcoholic - I know this is one of those bigger than me situations that I can't fight, can't flee, can't fix and can release into my HP's hands. That seems to be the only sane way for me to care for myself given the dynamics of our situation.

I do think that the both of you working the programs will help so much in what can become a tangled mess of infighting, betrayals and drama. Choosing to deal with what actually happens one day at a time with the help of your HPs, sponsors, the fellowship and program principles will help you through some of this in ways that help you keep your side of the street clean, minding your own business, and staying out of the others' drama.

I guess I knew the answer but wanted to feel some unconditional love and needed some support. Sometimes just knowing others have had these experiences helps me feel less alone with it.

Bf put a call in to his dau to express concern but I don't know if he's heard back from her. I would be very surprised if there isn't additional hurt in this process of dealing with all these details and family members. We are already hurting as are others and definitely don't want to add more fuel to the fire. There have already been some serious antics, inappropriate words and hanging up of the phone.

I appreciate all that you've shared.  It makes sense to me and I know it will make sense to him as well. Ultimately, it all doesn't matter; she's gone. I went through some of this stuff when my own mother died and made the decision not to engage. I didn't want anything interfering with my grieving her.  I also knew she wouldn't want her kids fighting. Grief is already exhausting without compounding it with arguments with family members.

Thanks for your es&h and your prayers.  ((hugs))  TT

My first two children were very young when my first husband passed away.  We were divorced, but lived close to each other so the kids could ride their bicycles to have easy access to each other.  When he passed, his family, whom I had respected and loved, acted despicably.  They hurt our children terribly with their actions.  The kids each had bedrooms at his home.  The family locked up the house, with much of their stuff and gave keys to family members that lived 90 miles away.  My kids would drive their bikes to his home and just sit outside; it was heartbreaking, I have not known pain as raw as that, yet, in this lifetime.  To say I was shocked at their behavior doesn't adequately describe how I felt.  We got through it..I did the best I could to not be a raging mama lion and rip someone to shreds, yet, not let them act out their crazy on me and my kids.  I knew we were all grieving in our own ways, some grief showed up in some really ugly ways.  Do the best you can (((TT))).

I came back to read your responses again and see your nice faces and flowers.  It's been a rough day.  Bf did hear back from his dau and things went badly. She's in the habit of answering for others as if there is one mind... hers.  Bf's bro and wife made lots of decisions concerning mother without filling other siblings in on the situation. Now she's gone and of course the behavior isn't. Dau has found in those two the "perfect" parents she didn't get so when bf raised some concerns about their lack of boundaries she took their side and attacked him and his choices concerning his now deceased parents. Both died this year. He didn't attack her just stated his concerns about the choice she and others are planning when things are far from settled and othe bro is living in that house and grieving too. She quickly told him they would be doing things on the property not in the house. She attempted to guilt him, attacked me to hurt him (I had misspoken and then apologized immediately and stated what I was apologizing for and the reason it was not right to say). He reminded her of the apology that was made.  Honestly, he needn't have bothered but OK. She made herself and others sound selfless and joining together in grief and getting things in order.  Bf was not trying to diminish any good intend, just stating what he knew to true concerning legalities after someone dies. She told him they were going ahead and if he was interested in helping to come there.  I think it was fortunate that at time in the conversation he took his power back and made clear to her that he may not have been capable of making decisions when he drank but he's been a clear minded, sober and reliable person for some time now and doesn't appreciate being treated otherwise. He emailed all of this to me and I gave him a call on my lunch hour.  I told him I didn't want to be involved in this and that my personal feeling is that nothing good can come from continuing to engage with the family. I told him I felt we would each do better to stay close to program people for unconditional love and support at this time and let family get in touch when they get in touch unless it turns into an unreasonable amount of time. I told him the most important thing is something we can't do anything about, she's gone.  We can take care of ourselves in this and we can protect our grieving process by detaching from the insanity, getting enough rest, eating well and continuing to do the day to day things we need to do in our own lives with the help of our hp.  It was a really stressful afternoon for each of us and I had a big project to wrap up at work.  It took a good hour and a half to decompress but I did get it done.  He emailed to tell me he was sorry he upset me.  I told him he hadn't, the situation has but that I got myself back on track and suggested he do what he could to do the same.  Can you imagine... it hasn't even been a week.   I'm so glad we don't live really close. Times like this you just want to shut the phone, close the blinds and lock the door.  Actually, that sound like a good plan. I know I am going to have to get myself in a good place before the service happens.  I'm grieving her too and trying to be supportive to him because she's his parent. I've been patient about what he's not up to doing and trying to be kind and just do some of those things small things that are usually shared responsibilities in the house.  I feel tired emotionally and physically too from all of this and am looking forward to my time off.

It's so terribly sad isn't it. As if it isn't bad enough that we lose someone we love, families start falling apart though this. I think his mom was the glue that held the family together.  Nowhere to go in that family for common sense now.  More will be revealed huh?  Thanks for sharing your stories. They help.  ((hugs)))  TT

Hi Everyone,

I'm not sure I said how sorry I am for the negative experiences you have had with family when when a loved one died. I realize it can be painful to retell it.  I appreciate and love you for what I received from you. Thank you. ((hugs)))

Grateful... those are wonderful program tools to keep close.  Thanks for that reminder.  ((hugs)))

TT

I am proud how you handled all this mess. yes it is soo sad how a death can tear a family apart. My grama left me her wedding rings. My aunt refuses to give them to me, though she promised me when gma was still living she would give them to me when she passed. well her agenda was to keep them. nice eh?

I was with my Mother when she was dying for weeks by myself. My brother and wife were on their way. Mother and I worked together to clean her house out. I would go thru stuff and ask what went to who and found tons of like empty lipstick containers, mt cat meds just dumb stuff. brother finally shows up, he gets mad and wants to know what is in all the garbage bags and starts hauling them inside before we could tell him!

Honestly this crap is what happens. My brother lied to my other brother and made a huge mess.

then he lied to my Daddy about how I took all mothers money and blah blah. no way. I figured it out, what he had done, but daddy died before I could tell him! He had told me he was disappointed in me. huh?

ugh honey staying out is the best. Unless there is something or things that are close to bf's heart, its just stuff. What I love most is the little black pig my mother crocheted for me.....and sweet memories of her teasing me and us laughing.

those NO ONE can take away from us. My grama and I were close. When she was dying, I got up in the bed next to her. I was so exhausted driven back and forth to go to my farm and feed and drive back to grama. that same aunt was a B and complained about me being on the bed! I lost it to the nurse and told her this is my gmas room, if she wants me next to her I will be. Grama would pat the bed next to her for me to sit or lie down. God knows i loved her too TT. sigh honey you be true to you, all else will be ok. hugs

Thanks grateful.  I think the "grieving children in adult suits" pretty much sums it up. It won't be difficult to hold onto that thought due to personal experience not all that long ago. I think the gratitude list is an excellent idea at this time.  Thanks for your encouragement debilyn.  I am so sorry you didn't receive those momentos that were precious and meant for you. You know they were meant for you and that's what's important. I love that your mom made you a crocheted pig. :)  The memories are the best.  Bud, thank you for the encouragement and prayers. They are so appreciated.  We still haven't heard anything since bf's dau blew up at him on the phone so bf will have to either call or email his brother tomorrow to see if there is going to be a family meeting to discuss a service and the rest of it. I know this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better but I don't say that to bf. When he says it, I just tell him to try to stay in the day and I'm trying to do the same.  TT