OMG, and then lol and then probably some more OMG - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

OMG, and then lol and then probably some more OMG

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

And yes I do care and feel sad and worried but those feelings aren't going to serve me in any positive way so, I'm going to focus on the positives and leave this in HP's hands.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He'll be back. And I hate to laugh at this picture you've drawn for us. I really do. I can't help myself. Fortunately, you can drive away or to the hardware store to buy new locks before he gets back? I know. I know. You can't really do that but it sure would be a tempting thought for me. Actually, I did that. He came back, too. He couldn't get back in.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 21st of August 2014 07:53:19 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

If I changed the locks he'd just break a window or kick the door in, it wouldn't help. But I am hoping he WILL make it to his mothers and spend some time there; her boyfriend has a place he says he can stay at...I could sure use the time and space to think clearly and make decisions...I have to admit, daughter will be away this weekend and i am super creeped out at the thought of being here alone, this house gives me the heebies! But drunk A gives me the heebies more so...

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am laughing inside, really, I admit it...laughing at your telling of the story. And I have feelings of compassion, too, for you, your daughter, him and his family. I hope you can move on to a new place, soon.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

This really demonstrates the emotional maturity (or lack thereof) of an active A.

I can picture a ten-year-old doing this to get his way. It's sad when this is all coming from an adult - but it's the disease talking, doing it's thing to manipulate and hopefully make you go "Oh no!!! PLEASE don't go!"

I'm glad you can see the humor in it. I know humor saved my serenity many times in the past when I was married to an A. So many childish tantrums.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I think what got me most was the harmonica and playing the blues. LOL! There I go again. Of course - prior to Al-Anon and for a time in it - I didn't play the harmonica and I'm fairly certain I had my own dramatic exits - okay, I know I had some dramatic exits. Unfortunately, I couldn't blame alcohol for it. Darn!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes the harmonica really gave a wonderful soundtrack to his drama. I think perhaps sometimes he sees his life as a movie, unfolding for every-one else's enjoyment...himself as the hapless hero....

Well, today was meant to be a study day. It was my assertion that i was not going to entertain his drunken rambling as I wished to study that triggered his dramatic exit. (I hope he is alright, he's been gone a couple of hours now. Best not to think about it....)

But I haven't been able to concentrate.
Rather than come undone and spend the day worrying and projecting, I sat outside with the dog and cat and read a book in the beautiful sunshine for a while and have busied myself with housework and eating a healthy lunch. The day has not gone to plan...that doesn't have to mean I write it off and come unglued....
Thanks HP for the beautiful sunshine, the singing birds, the warm breeze...if he is passed out in a ditch somewhere, at least it's a nice day for it....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad with you that its a nice day for it...LOL!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am saddened to read of this unfortunate example of the insanity of this disease

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sad, Betty, I feel like things are coming to some kind of crisis point for him, he keeps saying he's "not going to get drunk" and then ending up completely wasted...over and over, even he can see he has no control...wherever he ends up today he's going to be full of regret about it...he's only 38, maybe he'll finally crash and burn and have no way to go but up. I think this is better than rotting away in his dark drinking cave telling himself it's not that bad, he doesn't drink that much and he'll get a job tomorrow...that makes me sadder than what has happened today; at least this has the potential to be a catalyst for change...I'm not hoping that it will but at least the seed of possibility is there.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a sad and crazy picture almost like a humorous animation except for the experiences we have with the chemical and disease. Sending a prayer along with him. Maybe he knows some of those beautiful hymns on his harmonica... hmm

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah...it is sad and frightening to me. I am only reading sloppy, messy, pathetic, and dangerous low bottom drunkenness. It reminds me of some times I wandered the streets in a stupor. I don't feel sorry for him or fault your reaction...mine is just...blech. Goose bumps in a bad way. Disease. Are you saying you aren't breaking up with him out of fear and that it is necessary to keep him in check until you move out? I have not heard you say one thing ever that would indicate a desire to stay together out of attraction. He sounds so sick...Who is enabling this? His mom paid up the rent for a bit after he got fired? That enabling might kill him. Sounds like progression from minimally functional to now completely nonfunctional alcoholism in the last year. Tragic. Careful not to let it take you under too melly. Sounds like it's getting worse.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't say anyone is enabling it; he has enough to pay half the rent and buy himself cheap crappy food and alcohol with his unemployment benefit. He could potentially go on forever like this, until it kills him. If not sharing and splitting rent with me, there are plenty of rooming houses or other alkies/druggies he could share with. He doesn't require anyone to enable him aside from the fact that he doesn't like to be alone.
The fact that I don't discuss my feelings for him doesn't mean I don't have them though, I've put up with this nonsense for 8 years now, of course I care. It just doesn't serve anyone to talk about that side of things...it doesn't serve me to think about it any more than I have to because staying together also serves no-one.
And I think maybe I've just cried all the tears I can possibly cry for him by now, the tank is dry...I bet I can be proven wrong on that point though.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 21st of August 2014 10:47:12 PM

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 22nd of August 2014 12:05:53 AM

Ellie17 · Newbie

I found your post and am glad you saw humor in it. I had a similar thing happen today. I used to get all upset when he took off in a snit to get drunk and who knows what else. I used to even follow him, ask him to stay, text, call and pick up when he finally called. I figured out he called when he needed a ride home or food and sometimes to abuse me verbally some more. He says I make him leave and today he was saying I would be sorry and I was making him do this. Not sure what I was making him do and when I asked he said to think about it and figure it out. He had banged a dent in the wall in the living room today, broke shelves in the refrigerator and spewed food and liquid all over and the refrigerator like a tornado came thru inside with things topsy turvy and all over. He had thrown a big fan and banged my door and picked up something I treasured to break. Ok, well get this, he had his things all on the couch to pack and leave me...(He has done this so many times now I go around the hampers and wash machine to make sure he gets all his clothes and hand them to him calmly. Do not take it serious anymore, not to say he won't do it one day. You never know.) Well he looked down at his stuff and threatened me that I better not mess with it all nasty and angry, and I had a kitchen with broken food and bottles on the floor, a dent in the wall, etc and none of the broken things are ever HIS and I have never broken anything of his...and it struck me as so funny amidst all the destruction he did he was worried I would wreck something of his! TOO FUNNY! Well I got to think about it and figure it out for a few hours before he called my cell and left no message. I am suspecting he wanted a ride home or food or both. If he walks home he is usually way tired by time he gets home and won't give me a hassle. Yes I know something bad could happen to him out there late at night. But he chose to leave even though he said I made him do whatever it was he was going to do.....

My post is not as funny as the one above. But it helped me see what these people do in their sickness. Every once in a while the other him is present. The very caring smart wonderful man.....

And like the above, I actually hope he would get arrested or put in the mental hospital or a big divine intervention from God or a UFO or something, anything. Nothing I do or say or don't do or say ever changes anything. I can just feel better about myself when I don't react. That sometimes makes him lose it too....that I don't care or won't do what he wants. But if I yell or argue he loses it. If I don't he loses it. If I go out of the house if I stay in the house. At times I honestly do feel like he is trying to take over my very soul, and it is a battle to not let him.

Thanks for letting me post here. I hope it helps someone. Including me. LOL!

Ellie17 · Newbie

And yes like the other lady, I have cried so many tears, years of tears. I do care. But I am learning to care about me, as much as him. I am learning even if I am the worse beeach from hell, and a pain in the arse, and all that....he has choices to seek other ways to deal with me and his life. I can't change him or his choices.
He does not work. I am struggling to make ends meet. Our refrigerator has been his target so many times. So many broken things he never pays for or fixes or replaces. After a while you try not to let anything hurt you anymore. To try to say they are just things. Don't let him hurt others just because he is on a course of hurting himself. He is a big scary man but I try to never let him see I am afraid. I need to go to bed. Just rambling. Guess I am nervous he might turn up all drunk and start crap again....but do need to sleep while I can. I pray for all the addicts and alcoholics and the people who love them. Good night. Amen.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for you too. You're describing life here, a lot of the time, as well.
I hope you get a peaceful night's sleep.
I've not heard anything here so, who knows what has happened.
Tonight will be a challenge with daughter away and no ABF in the house. I've not done that in this house before and I feel not very brave about it, there are a lot of things that go bump in the night here...
Ugh! Glad I have dog and cat to protect me at least...it's going to be a long lonely weekend.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Changing the locks sounds like the bezt suggestiin for you, daughter and him. For you, its courage that will help take away that fear, you could trust yourself to do the right thing and keep yourself safe. Its not an easy tbing to do, it heightens the fear for the short term but has massive benefits for the long term. As soon as he makes any noises of kicking the dkor or causing a fuss then cal, the police tell them you have nowhere to go and cannot let this dangerous drunk in the house with a child. For your daughter to experience this, yes scary but whats the difference and it would show her a strong mum who will keep her safe and keep herself safe. She will probably respect you and trust you much more. For him he gets a clear proper boundary. Bad behaviour has cknsequences and you are enabling him melly, while hes got you in some form then hes ok and will keep going because you put up with it. Ive done this and it was scary ut it had to happen and the a did learn from it, repeat every time and it will stop to some degree. The less abuse you put up with the less it happens, it frees you and show your dauhter sanity. Its hard to face these facts but its true, im proof of it, ive lived it, if you dont believe me then theres underkuing denial that is keeping you trapped.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what that waiting on the abuser to start the crap feels like, its horrible, so stressful, so bad for your health. You dont have to live this way. I stood up to it, said no with my actions over and over and it stopped. Being alone in a safe house was my dream when I lived this way.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellie, you could try starting a new post and introduce yourself if this is your first time here, if its not im sure people would want to offer you some experience, strength and hope. There is another way to live either with or without the a. It doesnt have to be this way, there are lots of people here who had this life but with the alanon program, they dont anymore. They have happy lives with not a lot of chaos, it has to be worked for but its possible.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also Melly, there was a time when I was as fearful of being alone in my own space as you describe. That is a fear worth conquering. It was maladaptive for me in my experience. I still prefer company. I'm not great at just being alone long periods of time, but I'm not afraid of it and I am okay. That helped me turn the corner from settling for bad relationships out of fear of being alone.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly its natural to find humor somewhere for some of us to not be 100% pain! I think back to when I was putting a fence up and had my face hair over a yellow jacket nest. bees filled my hair my shirt my pants ,omgosh I ran in the house, Ah ran in and was pullign them off me and getting under my shirt etc. I was in front of a big mirror and still can see him drunk waving around trying to help me lol

another time in the night I got a horrible leg cramp, he was trying to lift me to go to the wood stove to get my leg warm....He is or was what brad pitt was in that fight club. not big. I am well hmmm well not fat but muscles. lol I am sure we looked so stupid.

Its ok please update us. Or I see both sides, how you make humor and how inside if you think about it, it hurts. It is sad he is A.He sounds like he musta been a cool guy. Or is inside. Mine was too. both husbands were the loves of my life. then came s and was the one I broke with and shared it all. then....uno.

anyway I am so excited for you getting a new place. I know it will be cute, esoteric like and hippie like. full of love and a good atmosphere.

A will be ok. He will.

HEY are you in a part of Australia that has the cane toads? I watched a great doc on netflix on them. Was fun to see australia. Kept thinking about you and kiddo and dog. do you have a facebook? I know you would be fun to go see what you are up to.I would love more pics of your little family. in my head I see daughter in some kind of animal suit??

cane toads???? hugs honey, keep sharing your wonderful heart. and don't ever feel you have to explain yourself. We all can choose how we respond to each other, and we can take what we want and leave the rest!

hugs

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Somehow I am reminded of the Steve Martin movie, The Jerk. When he hits bottom, he leaves, and says:

Well I'm gonna go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.

[picks up an ashtray]

And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.

I laughed at that when I first saw it many years ago, but now it's kinda sad. I'm glad you are able to get some time alone, and I'm glad you have the proper perspective on it.

Kenny

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds funny, yet sad. I am curious about the harmonica...did it sound good or bad? Just curious. Lol

blessed · Senior Member

I apologize for laughing at this picture you painted, as I know it is quite sad.

What I get fromt this post is that he needs you much more than you need him. Stick to your boundaries, and let him live out the consequences of his actions. That is what childhood is for, learning how to be an adult. In our house he used to say, "We are not raising boys, we are raising men." In our case, unfortunately, the "dad" turned to A, and went back to childhood.

Keep your sense of humor, and take care of yourself. Be safe and follow your gut.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.