New here - how to go forward with an alcoholic boyfriend who "wants" help - Al-Anon Family Group

nichtdaisy · Member

New here - how to go forward with an alcoholic boyfriend who "wants" help

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

nichtdaisy,Welcome to MIP. I can certainly identify with your concern and understand your confusion and uncertainty. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. One of the symptoms of the disease is that the person who has it, denies the reality and attempts many bizarre activities to prove that he can drink like other nonalcoholic people. Living with the chaos of unreasonable and irrational thoughts leads us too develop negative coping skills that hurt us. In an effort to help the alcoholic , we make ourselves invisible,we focus all our energy on others and our spiritual and emotional life suffers.

AA is the recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for the family of alcoholics. You'll find the answer to all your questions at Al-Anon face-to-face meetings. The hotline number can be found in the white pages and I urge you to attend. Al-Anon believes that the answer for each can be found within and that we will not give advice but offer constructive tools that can help each of us find our way to the right decision.

Keep coming back here as well you are not alone and there is hope.

nichtdaisy · Member

Thanks, Betty.

I guess its time that I check out AlAnon, again. I went to one meeting six-odd months ago, and the same complacency that plagues my partner in his recovery plagued me, as well.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a lot of head games, complications, guessing at intentions, wanting him to be something more than he is, wanting change for someone more than they want it for themselves...and basically just settling for less than you want while obsessing that you can guide him to be what you want. My suggestion, go to Alanon and work your own program instead of making your life contingent upon his program or lack there of. You mentioned some really poignant things regarding being tired of being in charge of someone else's life and them not standing behind their words with conviction. If those are so important to you, why settle for what you don't want? Why not just find a guy without all these issues, who is truthful, sticks to his word, and who you can respect in a mature way rather than having this parent/childlike dynamic? What's in this for you? THAT is for you to figure out in alanon, and how alanon can help you. Get the attention off him and onto you. It's not easy but it beats wasting time, spiritual energy, and purpose trying in vain to force damaged relationships into healthy ones.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you need some quick truths. "Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drew volume one is a book that will open your eyes.

we have zero control over what they do. they cannot quit just becuz they want to unless they are ready physically, mentally etc. then they need help.

we have no right to berate them, give them ulimatums, etc. They have a very serious disease of addiction, born with it. they did not choose to have it. It is not curable, relapse is part of it all.

Unless they go to AA and or rehab and work on the other symptoms of being an addict, just not using does not help much.

We need to do as you, set up boundaries with consequences we will stick to. Like be home at midnight or I lock the door,don't come back till you are sober.then do not berate him.

or do not bring booze into the house. If you do, and I see it, you take it somewhere else. etc.

He is going to drink or not, not up to us. We need to look at what we want in our life. we can learn skils to live with them, leave it the same or separate.

He is an adult he can do what he wants, it is his life.

glad you found us, MIP is a great place. vent, share whatever, you are at home here!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

What I wish is someone had told me early on is this: Only 15-25% of alcoholics who go into recovery achieve longterm sobriety. I kept waiting for the moment when my A would have "turned the corner" and we'd be fine. He started going to AA more times than I can count. He did formal rehab once. He'd stay sober anywhere from a few days to nearly a year. Then he'd relapse. It's now nearly twenty years later and he's still drinking. (We are not still together.) But all that time, I was on hold, waiting for the time that recovery would "take" and he'd be permanently sober and we'd be on the path to a great life together, the way I thought we were in the beginning.

Along the way I begged, explained, threatened, left, came back, etc. etc. etc. over and over. My whole life had been sucked into the turmoil of his drinking. And I was always thinking, "Is this is, is he in recovery for good this time, can I relax?" And then when he'd drink, "Is this it, is this the time I can't stand it any more, is he going to keep drinking, or is he going to go back into recovery?" He bounced in and out of recovery so much that I'd have excuses to stay - "Well, he's in recovery now, isn't that what I wanted? So how can I leave now?" But I'd still be eaten up with the anxiety that he'd start again (and that anxiety was realistic, as it turned out).

I wish I hadn't put my own life and recovery on hold waiting for him to do what I wanted. I hope you'll find a good face-to-face meeting, get the literature, read the threads on here, and take good care of yourself. Hugs.

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

I am sorry you are going through this. Somewhere along the line for me hope turned into denial. It is easy to get the two things mixed up. You can't believe in him enough to get him sober. And your happiness can't rest on his sobriety. If you let it then you will slowly go mad like I did :)

Like Debilyn said we are here and we understand , feel free to vent any time. This site has been a blessing for me I hope it is for you too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! I agree with the others. You mentioned he is beginning to see the light....this does not sound to me like that is the truth. I had to learn not to listen to words and watch actions...actions tell the truth. I believe you know the truth. Take care of your needs, keep the focus on YOU.

nichtdaisy · Member

You've hit the nail square on the head. Thank you for this.

nichtdaisy · Member

Thanks everyone for these great replies. It's hard to know where to begin.

It was kind of a blessing in disguise, I think, to see him go off the rails as far as he did on the Fourth, with his drunk&disorderly arrest, and then him continuing his bender for 36 hours after getting released. For better or for worse, he goes inward versus outward when drunk. Goes into hiding. So, I rarely felt antagonized when he was drunk. Wasn't dealing with abuse, or with law-breaking (up until now) or with him physically harming himself or others. There would just be lost evenings when he would go off to drink, and then, he would hobble through the hangovers. And he would show up to work hungover, and then struggle with the job, and then blame the difficulties he had there on the environment, and somehow, he would find some reason to leave. He was a just-barely-functional-drunk. I remember when I first met him, he was pretty entertaining when he was drunk. I partied more with him. But, I stop after 1-2 drinks. He didn't.

I've been in denial for a long time because I am not financially dependent on him. We are unmarried. Childless. I am financially independent and will be able to support myself the rest of my life. I figured that if his drinking was getting to me, I could just dial back into my own space and make him fend for himself, but I did not see all the ways in which I was supporting, and thus, enabling him.

I thought I was going to break up with him after the bender, but I didn't. He essentially begged me to stay. He made all those promises about cleaning up, and for the first time, accepted identifying as an alcoholic.

It feels big to me that I revoked his visitation privileges at my house. I now have total control of when he shows up in my life. I get evenings and mornings to myself at my house, and I feel return to a sense of order to my space. I could use more of this. Sometimes I get lonely for him, but most other times, I like having my space and my peace of mind again. I like putting things in my house in my order. I like knowing where things are.

Last Thursday, he had his first backslide into sobriety, and on Friday, he asserted without my prompting that it was more clear than ever to him that he had a problem, that he preferred being sober, but that he knew he needed help to get there. Had he not said those things right away, I would have dumped him, but he got to me, once again.

But, a couple of days later, after seeing him during the day, it hit me that its time for action; not just words.

I am hesitant to set the rule that he seek treatment in order to stay with me. Is that ironic? Here's my reasoning. I want him to do this for himself. Did he say all of those things on Friday because he really believed them, or did he say them because he thought that was what I would want to hear to keep with him? I want to think that he believed them, and, if so, its time he act on them. So, I am quietly observing whether or not he does in the next few days. I have withdrawn a little, and he senses it. I am awfully "busy". But, I talk to him every day, and ask how his day went, and he hasn't volunteered anything about seeking help (he hasn't even anonymously dropped into meetings, which has been his bare-bones way of seeking support in these last 5 weeks).

I am still thinking that if nothing happens a week from his declaration that he needs help, then I cofront him with my disappointment. He will surely then say, "oh, oh, oh, I am getting right on it." But that is not enough for me. I really need him to do this on his own, without my waving the carrot or the stick.

I've been devoting lots of mental energy to this. Too much. But, this weekend, when I had 36 delicious hours to myself, I managed to tackle more house projects, some reading, other things that have been hard to concentrate on when I am always thinking of him. I think I need more of that alone-time.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alone time sounds good. Focus on you. The "revoking his visitation privileges" thing sounds like the way you would treat a dog or a child. Nothing I would want in a mature, adult romantic relationship. You keep writing all these major things that are wrong and not normal in an adult romantic relationship and then gloss over them and go back into "if he does this..." and "if he does that" then... He is already an emotionally crippled alcoholic that functions like a child and you function as the grown up/parent figure in the dynamic. You already stated how negative this is and that trumps the drinking behavior...it also won't get better from him just stopping drinking or "dropping in on meetings." What is it about you that this is appealing? I suggest with all the caring, empathy, and respect (truly - not trying to demean you in any way as I can see you are a caring person) to go alanon to figure that out and forget about what he does or doesn't do with his recovery. If you don't do that you are at risk for continuing to be in relationship patterns with men where they are weak, broken, need fixing, and where you can avoid deeper intimacy, play martyr, not have to be as vulnerable (since you are the strong one)....I don't know what the real reasons are for wanting this kind of relationship but that's for you to find out and then get yourself healthy. It's not about him and what he does.

P.S. I stopped drinking once on my own for 4 months. It wasn't real recovery. I also admitted I was an alcoholic for a while and didn't seek help. When I started recovering for real was when I went to AA 7 days a week for a couple years (still go after 6 years now), got a sponsor, worked the steps and wanted it more than anything in the world (even more than any relationship). He is not going to get sober and change the way you want unless you see those actions.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 12th of August 2014 03:35:04 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I was very focused on my A going into recovery. When he finally did it, I was over the moon at last! At last!

What I didn't know was that only 15-25% of A's who start recovery end up longterm sober. In other words, your A could go into recovery tomorrow and be relapsing and backsliding for years it would be the same as now, with you waiting and hoping and thinking, "Is this time the time that he'll stay sober?" And with every relapse, "Is he going to go back into recovery, or keep drinking?" And just when you think he's going to keep drinking, he goes back into recovery, and so you hang on, trying to be supportive, but getting grouchy about how your life is on hold while he sorts himself out because it's hard to plan vacations together or how you're going to live or anything when you don't know if he's going to be drunk and passed out, or trying to stay dry, or not even in your life any more in two weeks or six months. The chances are 75%-85% that this is how it will be, statistically speaking.

You may be able to tell that I spent a number of years in this state. My A entered recovery uncountable times. He's still drinking. (But he's no longer "my" A.)

You don't have to confront him about his decisions or lack of them. You can do what's right for you without making excuses to anyone.

A lot of what I did was just smoke and mirrors to disguise the fact that I was hanging on to my A for dear life. I'd set a bottom line and the violate it, again and again. The misery was indescribable. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

nichtdaisy · Member

I've found that the days that my own work, passions, etc. call my attention are days where I get less sucked into this drama, and I can begin to be at peace with whether or not my boyfriend grows up and seeks treatment.

Yeah, I know its only reinforcing a certain parental dynamic if I revoke his housing privileges, but there has been a benefit. I have more time to myself. My space is beginning once again to feel like "mine". While I am still mired in this codependent thinking, there seem to be greater reprieves, and with each passing day, my home becomes my haven, not the place where the mental battles took place. So, I am glad I did that. I think, in the short term, the ends justify the means.

The wisdom I have heard is that treatment goes better for an addict (and their loved ones) if (s)he enters it single, free of any relational dependencies. He and I talked about this yesterday. He was panicking because of how much I have withdrawn from him and the relationship, needing to be told multiple times that I needed my space. He once again said that he "knows" that he should be looking into treatment. It's his "intention". I was able to hear this without out either clinging to hope OR feeling distressed that once again, these were just words, not actions. He's gonna do it when he does it. Meanwhile, I continue to retreat. It doesn't feel great. I wish that we had a clearer strategy - that either we break up, and only revisit reconciliation after he's been through program, or that I stay, accepting him for who he is.

As it is, I am having a hard time being his girlfriend right now without feeling instantly triggered and pulled into his drama. I wish that I was a stronger person and could be immune to his ups and downs, but I am not. When I try, I feel like all I am doing is bottling my feelings. I still get triggered, distratught, resentful, angry, and it comes up in my conversations with others.

I really would like to free myself from the power his action/inaction holds over me. I feel stronger in that regard today.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

It may be helpful to leave behjnd the either/or scenarios and reach for what feels best for you in each moment. Based on what you have said, the space is helping you to find your ground. Even with the many years of recovery, I cannot feel solid in the midst of an active addict. I know that, I accept that and I have no other expectations. You are doing great.

nichtdaisy · Member

I found this passage:

Managing Existing Relationships in Recovery
When people are addicted to alcohol or drugs, it puts a strain on their relationships. Their partners will have been harmed by the substance abuse, and it can take a long time for these wounds to heal. When people enter recovery, they have taken a great step towards rebuilding their relationships, but it is unlikely to be enough alone to make everything perfect. It can take years before a partner feels fully ready to forget the past and trust again.

In order to repair existing relationships the individual needs to just stay sober and work on their recovery. The other person needs to be given time to heal and pushing things too much could be counterproductive. There is no panacea that will repair all the damage. The best way for the person in recovery to make amends for their past is by being a better person today. They also need to be kind and try to understand things from their partners point of view. The sober person needs to move away from self-absorption and selfishness.

on this website: http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/romantic-relationships-in-recovery/

and its helped me get through the last couple of days. I see myself moving more and more to just making my own space, doing my own thing, trying hard not to worry about him. If we go by what he says, he's sober, staying on top of his day-to-day-things, but hasn't really acted to find or start treatment. I have the luxury of being in no way dependent on him, so I can pull away as much as I want. I told him "I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not completely here." He didn't like that, but he verbally accepted it. On my own, I've been adding a few self-improvement things to my daily routine at the start of the day and that has been very grounding.

We have a date to go to a wedding this weekend, and I feel ok about taking him. I don't worry about him drinking. If he does, it will actually be straightforward to handle, in a way... it's always easier when the boundaries are clearly busted than when he says the right things but is inert. Having said that, I would rather he not drink.

-- Edited by nichtdaisy on Thursday 14th of August 2014 05:49:13 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Actually that statement that you copied is what alanon is all about

nichtdaisy · Member

Debilynn's recommendation,

Sounds like you need some quick truths. "Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drew volume one is a book that will open your eyes.

Has been great. Found the book right away and am feeling all the more assured that the steps I am taking to free myself are perhaps the right ones... and that my desire to reclaim my space and time for myself are not selfish or punishing.

Thank you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.