AH putting all blame on me - Al-Anon Family Group

Venera · Senior Member

AH putting all blame on me

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I have been very clear when my STBAX is sober what I will and won't put up with .. LOL .. I only laugh because he gets how serious I am about it .. he went to jail over a TRO .. I just don't put up with trifle stuff anymore .. LOL.

If I had to deal with this situation based upon the tools I currently have is I would wait for him to be sober, clearly state this happened and that I will not put up with name calling of any kind. Now I'm sure my STBAX would tell me he never said that and it's my issue .. for me stating quietly this is not ok and I will not tolerate it. I know what my boundary is .. I already know trying to talk to a drunk is not going to work in terms of he's showing his butt to his friend and he's going to keep doing so.

I refuse to speak to someone who speaks to me in that way. I would just leave as soon as that behavior starts as it's never going to end well OR I would be asking them to leave. It would be based on what is the path of least resistance.

As far as the end blaming game .. do you know your truth? Then stand in that and know what it is and know you can't make a drunk person tell that particular truth.

Hugs S :)

PS - I'm sure someone else will have a better idea .. I just don't put up with that kind of thing from anyone I deal with .. so not ok ..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera Alanon suggests that we examine our motives in a situation, see what went on, what we want to accomplish in the discussion , examine our part in the issues, own both our motives and our part (To ourselves, to God and to another ) and then make an appropriate amend for our part. and then let it go.

If he called you a B in front of people I can understand that you objected to his foul language, his rudeness and lack of respect. Your part as I can see is reacting to his rudeness by engaging with him. That gave him the ability to blame you The best you could have done was validate yourself and respond in a positive manner, such as: " I object to being called such a derogatory name and know that I am a kind, considerate, intelligent , well organized professional woman." In the future I would appreciate it if you would remember to treat me with the courtesy I deserve. That leaves you in a positive light and his statement not valid.

Luiza · Senior Member

Hugs Venera,

I am still learning how to not tolerate name calling. It has been a process.

1st - I don't disrespect my husband anymore. So he knows he has no ground to disrespect me.

2nd - I don't take it to heart. They may call me whatever, it goes over my head because I refuse to accept that I am the whatever they are calling me. It makes easy for me to remain calm. And instead of anger, I feel pity really, because he must be very unhappy if he has the need to offend and name call other people.

3rd - I leave. If I can't leave, I stop interacting.

I don't usually demand an apology since they didn't achieve their goal.
In my experience, they stop name calling once it is not effective anymore.

My husband had a crazy time the other day but he couldn't bring himself to call me b*** (he had done before). He instead spelled it out of loud: b--h, pretending he was talking to himself while he was in the kitchen and I was in the lounge and he had his back to me. I would laugh, it was so childish. Then I read that their mental age is the age they started drinking. Gosh, how depressing is that?

So, keep working on your self esteem and self respect, that is what I am trying to do for myself.
I move on and focus on me by doing my best to live MY life at the present, doing the next right thing for ME (and my daughter) and keeping few plans and dreams for the immediate future. So what I sow today I can reap tomorrow.

-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 25th of July 2014 09:08:44 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 25th of July 2014 09:11:47 AM

Venera · Senior Member

I understand that yesterday I could have left it without confronting him and in the future I will do it. But what bugs me now is that he is not going to admit it was his wrong and start blaming me , so I am not sure what can I do. I do t want this to be a long time of argument/ silence etc. but I also font want to forget and leave it unspoken.. So hard

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You can still validate yourself with a simple statement, If he brings up the subject and blames you or if you elect to bring it up a statement such as ". In the future, at all times I insist that I be treated with courtesy and respect . Name calling is extremely denigrating and unacceptable.

Venera · Senior Member

I think it doesn't bother me as much if he does name calling in private, I learned to ignore it (when he is drink). But this time it was infront of our friend, and I feel like he owns me a public apology. Or maybe I am exaggerating again.

Luiza · Senior Member

Why don't you write a note for him saying something like hotrod's idea? I will keep it for me too just in case I need it one day.

"I object to being called such a derogatory name and know that I am a kind, considerate, intelligent , well organized professional woman." In the future I would appreciate it if you would remember to treat me with the courtesy I deserve."

If you want to tell it to him, wait for the right moment to say it.

-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 25th of July 2014 09:15:34 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe if I tolerate a behavior in private then I cannot expect different in public.

Luiza · Senior Member

He is just showing him to the public how vile his is. says more about him than about you. If the people he is with can't see how wrong he is, so why would you waste your time hanging out with them..?

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Alcohol tends to bring out the side of a person that is not good. And an alcoholic will defend their behavior very aggresively because I believe they know it's wrong but don't want to be told that. Alcoholics/Addicts can be very malnipulitive also. My AH had me convinced for years that I was the crazy, mentally ill, obsessive one in the relationship, and I believed him for a long time. I struggled to change myself and my attitudes because of this-until I got into Alanon and realized that it's his behavior that is crazy. I tried to talk to him about this and it never worked he just kept denying his role in the situation, I especially learned not to talk to him while he was drinking, because most of the time he didn't remember anything anyway. When I realized this it was very freeing to me - because he's responsible for his behavior and I don't have to get sucked into the situation. Now I find things to do that make me happy and I ignore him when he's drinking. It's hard but practicing detachment is a wonderful tool. You can still love them but not respond to their behavior. Sending ((hugs)) to you and keep coming back to Alanon - it works.

Venera · Senior Member

I think I get the part about not taking everything personal when they are drinking, leave from the situation if there verbal abuse, etc.. What I don't get is how to continue the relationship with our friends after he insulted me infront if the guy and also a couple of weeks ago he have a huge speech to his wife about how bad I am. They are very close friends, and the wife absolutely gets it because her husband drinks too. But I don't feel I can continue if he lets these insults go and at the same time I myself don't want to lose the friendship

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I believe if I tolerate a behavior in private then I cannot expect different in public.

This is exactly what I believe .. where are the boundaries in my own self respect that I would allow this just because there are no other witnesses??

You are expecting him to act differently than he always acts .. it doesn't excuse the behavior .. if he doesn't apologize and you are alone .. why in the world would he do so in front of others .. honestly .. I would be better off arguing with an empty liquor bottle. The disease does what it wants .. I still don't have to tolerate unacceptable behavior .. mine or others ..

Hugs :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

What I don't get is how to continue the relationship with our friends after he insulted me infront if the guy and also a couple of weeks ago he have a huge speech to his wife about how bad I am. They are very close friends, and the wife absolutely gets it because her husband drinks too. But I don't feel I can continue if he lets these insults go and at the same time I myself don't want to lose the friendship
-------------------------------
Hi,
I can see how embarrassed you are. Both about his behavior and about how you have put up with it.

As far as friends..... that is your personal relationship. If it is good, then they will see how he is and how you are and they will love you anyway. You don't have to explain things to friends. You don't have to walk away from your friends just because you are embarrassed.

It sounds like you are just really looking for "something to do" about the problem. We AlAnons are fixers and we "do something" about all our problems. There is really nothing you can do except let your AlAnon training and tools take over. Don't argue with a drunk. Don't expect something he won't do.

Take care of yourself. Vent here with us. We totally understand.

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you all!!!!)))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't get it. Maybe it is I am very interested in the actual affects on someones body, when they drink. What i am saying is a drinking or doping person is not really ever sober! Just becuz they don't drink the next day their brain still has been compromised along with every other cell in their body

He or she who is actively using is living in a sick body. Lots of those cells are damaged beyond repair. NO way their brain can work correctly, no way.

It all comes down to you. He is going to do what he is. Its more what are you willing to put up with? Do you want to make a boundary for instance, A I will not have anyone talking negatively about me. If someone does, I will leave the room, go home....etc.

I will not cook, clean etc for someone who treats me wrongly.

If we choose to stay with someone, we cannot expect them to change. If they comply and stop the behavior, great. If not then they will have the consequence you made. They are in essence choosing that consequence by breaking the boundary, it is not your fault at all.

When we live with someone who is sick as they are, to detach from their behavior is vital or it makes us sick too.

Myself I would show one the door the first time he ever did that. My A never bad mouthed me in front of me. He knew better.

We cannot change them, we can only learn how to live with them thru compromise and with our tools. Does not matter what they do, what matters is are we willing to live with this.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

As far as the relationship with friends goes, if the friends are healthy, they will realize the shame is on him, not on you. If they're not healthy, then they probably won't have healthy opinions no matter what.

But the bigger problem is that your A is insulting you, and I can see you doing what I tried to do for so long -- to get him to stop.

We can't control their insults any more than we can control their drinking. Unfortunately. If we could, we'd have found a way by now!

So the question we ask is, "Do I have to put up with this?"

Of course the answer is No. We can leave the room when it starts up. It's still troubling that it even starts up. We can leave the relationship.

Sadly, if we don't leave the relationship, insults and bad behavior are par for the course. So those are the choices we have.

Take good care of yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

His behavior and language is a reflection on him - not on you. It might help the next time he curses you - and he probably will - to say in a calm, gentle voice: "When you use language like that, I lose respect for you and I fear others will lose respect for you, too. You are so much better than that. I love you, honey, and I don't love it when you curse. I feel embarrassed for you."

blessed · Senior Member

This is the hard part. There is nothing you can do. There is no reason to ask him what he did, or why he did it. He will lie or blame. Know it is the disease talking.

Be kind to yourself and don't believe any lie that contradicts what your HP says about you. That is my litmus test. When I get called a crass word/name I ask myself, "What does God say bout that? me?" Well, He disagrees so I disagree, and move on. Basically, I can believe God or I can believe an A w/ brain damage. I think I will believe God. :)

Sure, it wears you down, but that is when you have to keep going back to the foundation of Truth. Noone said it was easy, but it is possible to find peace/serentity in a storm.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great esh here. I have learned that name calling is verbal abuse and I have a duty to myself to not accept it, it is unacceptable. For me that means validating myself in the way that hotrod suggests. Then using slogans to make sure it has no impac5 on me, how important is it? His opinions are polluted with alcohol so really why would I believe a single word of the nonsense? That is on me. To take a hurt means you choose to take it, you can choose not to.
I would set a boundary for my own mental well being, I would say if you call me names like that again then I will leave the room, company, house, whatever. Make it clear you wont listen and dont. As for wanting an explanation or apology, whats the point? Hes sick, he wont mean the apology just as he wont really mean the name calling. He cant take responsibility for himself, his behaviour or his words. This is the disease, im only concerned with my disease, thats the only part I have power over.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Venera)))), thank you for bringing this to MIP, the responses that you have received are so helpful and I really appreciate you for sharing the problem here.

I love, love, love Grateful's suggested reply, it shoots an arrow straight at the problem and its consequences. It completely sums up how I feel about my husband when he does this awful behaviour. You don't have any need to worry about your friends thinking badly about you IMHO. I understand that feeling but I think that for me it is more about feeling embarrassed that I'm still rolling with the (verbal) punches and accepting so little in our relationship.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I must say that since alanon charges me with :"saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I would have an extremely difficult time taking the focus off how I am truly feeling and validating the offender by telling him his assets. I would rather validate my assets." :)

I am a precious child of God and will not be treated with disrespect and walk out of the room or place as LC suggests.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.