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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling insame and confused
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling insame and confused
joker


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Feeling insame and confused
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I met a man three months ago, 53 years old and I quickly discovered he is an active alcoholic. He works out of town for two weeks at a time and returns home for a week at a time. We speak everyday on the phone when he is out of town working.  During the week he is home, he drinks non stop, as soon as he wakes up till he passes out and starts all over again. When he has been at work, he has also drank after work and misses work the next day, having to call in sick. He has gone through three jobs in three months, only to get another job the next day as he is an electrician in the union and there is a lot of work available. He quits his job as soon as he has missed 3 days of work due to drinking all night. He lost his drivers license a year ago due to impaired driving, his wife of 5 years (Just got his 3rd divorce from his 3rd wife, today) and has financial struggles. He admits he is an alcoholic but does nothing about it. He was sober for 14 years prior and working a AA program. His hangovers are horrible, shaking, puking, anxiety, unable to sit still, pacing, self pity. sweats and full of "I swear I have had enough, this time,"  only to repeat the madness as soon as he feels better in two days time. I have watched this insanity over and over again and threatened to leave the relationship and move out (yes I moved in with him, but still have my 2 bedroom apartment I am paying for, where my 20 year old daughter with mental health issues is living, and where some of my belongs remain). When I moved in with him, his home was a disaster, as it has not been cleaned in 3 years, since his ex-wife left him. I spent a week cleaning his home and making it into a home trying to give him hope for a better life. It has made no difference. Since, he can not drive, I have driven him to complete his errands, he did, while drunk. I have taken him camping and tried to help him see there is a better life than sitting on a couch all day and drinking and feeling sorry for yourself. What has it done to me, I have been so embarrassed by his drunken behaviors in public that I have said to him that I will no longer go anywhere with him if he is drinking. I continue to drive him around, when drunk. When he drinks, all he does is talk, talk, talk and cry, cry about his failed life and what do i do, listen to the endless ramble till he passes out. I feel so stuck and unable to know what to do anymore. I can not trust him not to drink again, nor keep a job down, nor be there for me. I feel used and abused and hopeless. A part of me says get out while the relationship is still new and move back to the apartment and the other says I love him and want to build a life with him. He says he loves me and we talk about marriage and a better future, travel, ect, but I see this as an illusion. In my frustration, I booked a week holiday with a girlfriend to Mexico to get away from the stress. He was so angry when I told him I was going and he will not see me face to face for 3 weeks. He says he wanted to be the first one to take me to Mexico, not my girlfriend. I know, that dream will never happen due to his drinking and I also knew I had to do this for me. My daughter is now in hospital due to her mental health issues and I am dealing with this as well and I am trying to find a job. All I do is obsess over the bf and wonder is he at work today, will he drink after work tonight, will he make it to work in the morning if he drinks, will he loose his job again, what shape will he be in when he comes home? Will he drink the whole week he is off and not get his errands done? What have I go to look forward to? His endless drunken ramble? If I do not hear from him-phone call, I worry, is he out drinking and getting hammered? Where is he? with who? I feel so messed up right now and I have been in al-anon on and off for many years now. I had been in a similar but more abusive relationship two years ago and got out, with the police involvement, Yes the domestic violence nearly killed me. I swore I would not get involved anymore with anyone and I stayed single for a year, living alone and working on my recovery through counseling and al-anon, until three months ago when I met this man who promised me good things and so far I have only received tears and anger, hurt, rage, frustration, and fear. My world feels so upside down now and I am feeling like I am going crazy. I just need some direction. I just had to get this out of my mind and share the hell I am starting to go down and fast.     



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hotrod


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HI Joker, thank you for sharing your painful experience of living with the disease of alcoholism. As you are aware, you are not alone. Al-Anon and MIP are a fellowship of members who have lived with the insanity of this disease and share their experience strength and hope in order to solve our common problem.

Al-Anon face-to-face meetings saved my life when I felt as you do. It was then that I was willing to do anything to feel better. I had tried all the other, alternate easier ways and nothing worked. Al-Anon promised me a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps in the program and I elected to grab on to that promise and practices program in all my affairs.

Meetings, sponsor, working the steps, using the slogans and the daily readers will worked together to save my sanity and life. I urge you to keep coming back and make it commitment to face-to-face meetings. You are worth it



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
grateful2be


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Ditto to everything Betty has suggested. There is help and hope in Al-Anon. There is no help and hope in a relationship with an active A on your own. I tried it. It didn't work.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Newlife girl


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Welcome. Clearly you are a giving person who sounds very long-suffering. I understand the madness of trying to change someone. I have found out through al anon I am powerless over another person. I have heard a lot of promises and haven't seen any action. Words are different than action. Words mean nothing to me. I hope you are able to focus more on your daughter and yourself instead of trying to help him so much. It's good you have an apartment to go to if needed.

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Living life one step at a time
Debilyn


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It's hard to face as we all go into denial at one time or another.

He is insane, and you are living in insanity. An adult who cannot clean his own home?

Nothing you do will make any difference,nothing. I am sure you have realized this.

His insanity is killing you.

there is no reason you cannot move back home and still love him. If this is what you want. Love him as is, as he is going to do whatever he is.

this was an excellent vent. So now, what are YOU going to do? hugs honey, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Luiza


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Hi Joker, I am glad you are posting here, you are in the right place.
Good for you, going travelling with a friend.

If you stick to Al-Anon and work the program, you will learn how to take care of yourself better. You are clearly a loving and giving person, maybe is time to direct this to yourself now?
As you realised, cleaning his house, helping him with his errands, driving him around, loving him and hoping for a better life for him is not changing anything.
If only 'hope' could change an A, we wouldn't be posting here today.

I can strongly relate when you say that you listen and listen to the rambling and ranting..I wonder how many hours of my life I have wasted in nearly 10 years together with my husband, when I was listening to his BS and trying to be understanding and desperate to make sense of this all...I think my aim was to hear something that would make me realise how to help him. I thought my role was to help him and make him better. It didn't help that he kept telling me the exactly same thing. I was his saviour, his hero, he could be nothing without me and blahblahblah
And as he was not getting better, I felt like a failure. The anger and resentment build up very quickly...I was doing my best and trying everything I could. So many sacrifices. It still wasn't enough.

Then the brothers and sisters here told me I was powerless over alcohol. And his drinking wasn't my fault after all. Never.
I didn't cause it and I can't cure it.
What a weight was taken of my shoulders!

Keep coming back.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
el-cee


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Hi joker, I can relate to your frustration. I have been single for a while now because I have issues that mean I could repeat the same patterns that are dysfunctional and destructive. I was addicted to behaviours, self pity, playing the victim, martyr roles, rescuing, needing to feel needed. These are about me and mean that I could easily jump into another codependant relationship with an alcoholic or other unhealthy defective thinker.

This is about you, not him. Hes been in your life 3 months, is turning it upside down and your allowing it, what does that tell you about you?

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karma13


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Joker ( prayers ) I think of all the years I spent worrying about what the man I was with was doing, instead of getting the focus on myself and what I was doing. You have decide received great replies. I just want to add the three C"s, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we sure can't cure it. I hear you have only been with him three months and that you are getting major red flags? And you are hurting? What can you do for yourself to take care of you?

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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive 
pinkchip


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Joker - Sounds like you have a giant heart but it is going haywire with misplaced energy towards another and very little self-love and self-nurturing. Your post screams with red flags that I think were obvious to even you going into this, but there's still some draw about being the helper, fixer, saver and that's not about him at all. It's all about you. Focusing on you is likely painful...intensely painful for a number of reasons that I am sure we don't know but you need not create such pain again and again and trying to turn it into a Cinderella story. That happy ending rides on you and not someone else. There is some difficult but very much worth it work to be done in Alanon....push through this and get busy. We love you already. Healthier people will love you too but this does involve learning how to CARE for yourself. I thought I knew that before the program but I didn't. I was just a big bag of needs that had nothing to draw strength from internally or spiritually. That is what the program gave me and everything else got better from there. It hurt for a couple of years though making those changes. Better than repeating the cycle over and over though for a lifetime.

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PP


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I feel so stuck and unable to know what to do anymore

Welcome!  You did know some of what to do when you posted here to receive great responses to answer your question and provide some direction.  Now, it is up to you to reach for the life preserver, al anon.  Read through your post as though it was written by a dear, beloved friend.  How would you respond to her?  See your post through impersonal eyes, and give that part of you that feels insane, the most loving, sane guidance possible.  Life with your boyfriend will not change, do you want to continue being insane?



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Paula
Flower49


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You came to the very right place, you are here exactly where you should be. Try your hardest to go to face to face meetings, they make a world of difference. Also read, read and read more the literature. If you can try to attend an online meeting here. You have taken the first step towards healing yourself by coming here. ((Hugs))

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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34
andromeda


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Hugs to you today! I can only second what everyone else here has already said. You have a beautiful soul and you will come through this. Put yourself first, find Al Anon again, and take those first steps! HUGS!

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