Support for adult child recently out of rehab - Al-Anon Family Group

Jeffs Mom · Newbie

Support for adult child recently out of rehab

karma13 · Senior Member

No advice, but it is suggested attending six face to face meetings before deciding if alanon is right for you. The face to face meetings, conference approved literature, getting a sponsor and working the steps, and having alanon friends to call and talk to helped get the focus back on me and gave me freedom from being too wrapped up in others lives.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Others will weigh in on this, but I think it is supportive of you to say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean. It has never worked for me to pretend that I don't know my son is using. He hasn't always liked that I say what I believe I'm hearing with the suggestion he call me back when he's sober, but he also can't lose respect for me because he can manipulate or confuse me by using the tools of anger or deceit. He knows he is using. I know he is using. His disease might want to lie but I'm not going to buy it. If he's using, the best support I can give him besides being honest is detaching from him, attending Al-Anon for myself, and letting him suffer the consequences of his choice to use again. Once somebody has been in treatment, the next drink they take to me is a choice. That choice leads to all sorts of hell for them and I have had to separate myself from that hell on multiple occasions but I do it honestly and don't bother lecturing, nagging or pleading anymore. It doesn't do any good. Al-Anon recovery work helps me and getting help for me is the best way for me to help my son.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 21st of July 2014 03:16:27 PM

Jeffs Mom · Newbie

Further: He says I don't have faith/trust in him. After 25 years of addiction I know by his voice when he is using. We stuck our news out financially so he could go into a great program and now he is clearly impaired and telling me I don't trust him because I told him he sounds impaired.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I see nothing wrong with responding along the lines of "You know what son? I do love you and have faith and trust in your abilities, but as far as what you will do and are doing...only actions and an ongoing program of recovery will earn that kind of trust and faith. So let's not have this discussion anymore." That is basically a model for supporting while staying true to yourself. Why should you have 100 percent trust and faith in someone that has not just failed to earn it, but has actively shown they do not deserve it?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is almost a travesty that programs are only 21 days. That is nothing. A's need a program that is at least a year. I am sure he was recommended if he wanted to work a program, he needed to do 90 AA meetings in 90 days or more. Then to continue on with them.

He has no control over his drinking. Most do relapse when they get out of these bandaid programs. Most need to go to detox and rehab several times in their lives.

We call it detaching. We love them, but the disease is their own. No use in asking as a symptom of this disease is lying. Their brains actually believe their lies. Also with many the horror of facing they are an addict, it is not curable and they have to have these craving the rest of their lives, drives them to use more.

When it comes to rehab, it has to be totally done by them.We do not call for them, drive them there, pay for it,nothing. They have to be strong enough to do it all, as the program is not easy in itself. If they do not have the drive to arrange it all, they won't gain from the rehab.

Keeping their money is enabling, giving them money is enabling. Getting Them Sober by toby rice drew volume one would teach you so very much. We cannot have anything to do with their illness.

When we do for them we take away possibilities that may have helped them to feel so badly they would do anything not to drink and walk into AA.

If we enable them, they will be depending on us till they die. Plus their disease makes us very sick.

Please keep coming. MIP saved many and is still saving them. You are very welcomed!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, it will help you. I've had both an A husband and an A son. The son has been the most difficult for me. I could divorce my x. I can't divorce my son. The more meetings you and your husband can attend together if at all possible, the more hope and help you'll receive. This disease is a killer. We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it. And as parents - we sometimes think we did and can. We didn't and we can't. Al-Anon helps us detach in love for ourselves and for our kids. Keep coming back here, too.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

My Al Anon meetings have a number of couples with son/daughter addicts. They are all lifesavers for each other in dealing with this dreaded disease. Keep going to those meetings!!

Kenny

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

A's need a program that lasts a lifetime Deb....and you are right...it is AA (typically). Once they get that...I mean really surrender, AA can and often is the answer. I never went to rehab.

Rehab is only a place for a person to get enough time from the drug/drink so that they have a fighting chance in AA or NA. The biggest reason for failure after rehab is not following through with NA and/or AA.

Long term treatment such as residential rehab that is like 3 months to a year is usually reserved for people that literally have been to rehab many times, that are nearing death if they continue using, that have the money/insurance to cover it, and that are willing to go through it. It can help and it would be nice, but if all A's were in treatment that long upon getting sober, they'd be institutionalized and would relapse from that too.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As far as my son not knowing when he's lying - he does know and he admits it. That is the one thing that is necessary besides surrender - honesty. That is the thing about my son that gives me hope for him. I have discovered that when I ask him "Is this the truth, son?," face to face, he looks down, his lips form a half smile and then he tells me the rest of the story. So, I'm not convinced that all As don't know they are lying. In my work, the same thing happened when some would try to convince me they hadn't been using - at some point - they'd tell me the truth - and trust me - I didn't always want to hear the rest of their story either but for some reason they'd tell it. Some have recovered. Some are still using. Others have died. Many did know they were using and they would tell me the truth. Others would yell and scream and storm about and I'd just sit quietly until the storm subsided. Then, I'd suggest that their sufferings would continue if they didn't choose to get help or that I could help them get into a program that would help them help themselves. Some would agree. Others would call me names. All of them knew they were using.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Jeffs Mom

I can't count how many times my adult son told me I didn't trust or have faith in him. It's when I let go, finally stopped the enabling and took care of me is when things changed. Not for the good mind you but he had to take responsibility for his choices without MOM. I will never get paid back for the 100K I put into him but I will let go, let HP with love and kindness. That's all I can do.

My son is doing 2 1/2 years in the rehab of his choice " State Prison " Maybe he will remember not to drink and drive anymore.

I read a book called " Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children " by Allison Bottke. Great book on the art of not enabling no matter what.

Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone

PS: My son relapsed 4 days after release from rehab. 21 days is nothing for a chronic alcoholic which my son is.

PSS: Read past posts like mine or anyone with a adult child.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP!

So grateful to hear you are a member of Al-Anon:)

Prayers & HUGS, hope this helps

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

Jeffs Mom · Newbie

Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome and sharing your advice and experience, obviously, very wise. I will re-read them all again and again. I downloaded a book, When your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart (2013), so the more I can learn the better. My husband willingly will join me at Al Anon Thursday evening. I don't want his addiction to consume me and steal my happy years of retirement.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Wise. The disease is a destroyer and we don't have to let it destroy us. Al-Anon when the program is worked is the antidote.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.