What rewards did you get from the victim role? - Al-Anon Family Group

aquamom23 · Senior Member

RE: What rewards did you get from the victim role?

life_is_good · Member

I have thought about this question a lot since it was posed. I do look back and kind of cringe and say YUCK when I think about it but maybe there was some sort of "reward" in the victim role I played so well for so long.

That false sense of moral/ethical superiority was my survival mode coping tool that I used for a long time after AXH left us for his unencumbered single party lifestyle. Looking back, I don't think I could have done what I needed to do to take care of my two children and our business by myself while trying to deal with the emotional fallout of what was happening in my life. Now two years later, I can clearly see that the role that I was forced into as a single parent and running our business by myself after he left was what I had already been doing for many years after alcohol became the priority in my AXH's life. At times, I feel ashamed of myself for having that attitude of moral/ethical superiority, but I quickly brush those thoughts out of my head because I did the best I knew how at the time, when all I was trying to do was survive.

The important thing in all of this for me is that I made the choice to crawl through those blessed doors of Al-anon to find a better way to cope, survive, LIVE AND FEEL. And that's precisely what I have begun to do, live and feel, one day at a time. So maybe there was a true reward in that victim role I played for awhile, I survived. And by surviving and coping, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and ran toward it as fast as my battered spirit would allow me to. I honestly at times didn't think I had the strength or courage to go on for another day. I was physically and mentally exhausted and wanted to give up completely, on all fronts. And that's when the attitude of moral/ethical superiority would kick in and it gave me the strength to just keep going. I'm grateful that it did. I no longer need it now because I have my self worth back and don't need to prove to anyone, especially my AXH how strong, smart, beautiful, likeable, generous, etc that I am. I believe it wholeheartedly now and that's enough.

I now can also see the importance of the 12 Steps because of this attitude I held on to for many years. I would have never recognized, acknowledged, dispensed of, nor made amends for this attitude two years ago. I haven't completed all of those things yet but recognition of it is empowering and gives me so much hope for my future.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe I was an actual victim of a very sick man. When I saw my way out, I took it. I didn't feel superior to my x. I felt confused and uncertain. Being a battered spouse had no rewards to it. It did create in me a desire to connect more deeply with my HP and that was the reward and my saving grace although it took me 8 years to figure out it wasn't my HP's will for me to stay married to him. What was done against me by a man who didn't show his true colors until the day after we were married in the church was later used by my HP to benefit the wellbeing of other people who had been traumatized or were being traumatized by others. That, to me, was the greater consequence of the relationship than what was damaging at best and terrorizing at worst.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a little different. While I have experienced some hard days in the 15 years I have been associated with this alcoholic man, 6 of them married to him, and 9 divorced from him, and thankful to God I was no longer responsible for his actions, I have never allowed myself to take on the role of "victim." "Sadder but wiser" no doubt, but I feel that if we allow ourselves to be victimized, we are tossing in the towel and allowing the addicted person to win. I will never be defeated. I believe in the "4 Ds." Diva. Doesn't. Do. Defeat.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Thursday 30th of October 2014 10:52:12 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Diva--- Love the 4 Ds :)

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