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My STBAX has been running amuck over my boundaries and thankfully I've been able to continually take small steps back .. I feel as if I have opened the door to take a small peak outside and he's thrust his leg through the door and will not let me shut it. I feel unsafe. I don't like to feel that I have no control in dealing with him it's part of the reason I had to take out the OP and there is a no contact clause in the parenting agreement. I choose .. not him. He has been so unpredictable (yet extremely predictable) in the past .. I am extremely wary of him. His attitude appears to be that I should just be over the past 2 years .. LOL .. good luck with that .. he's shown me exactly how he's going to treat me and the kids, .. it's NOT ok. I will continue to say STOP. He doesn't have to listen .. I still have the right to say STOP.
He's forcing situations that are just not ok. He keeps finding and creating reasons to come over. Well, his latest flavor is out of the picture and I'm not doing what I have done in the past so he needs me (someone) to be chasing him. I'm still at the starting line going umm .. I'm not in the race .. there has been a mistake in placement.
After I returned the movie I text him how I was feeling ..
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I feel extremely frustrated at the moment over the movie situation. We have had this discussion in the past and I would rather that you not rent movies for the kids for them to take home. I don't mean this in a mean way. I didn't receive the insurance cards. Please drop them off with the receipt money Friday. I have cat food for you as well.
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I'm sure he's feeling a lack of control as well .. he's in a situation where he doesn't dictate visitation .. the kids do. He's done nothing to work on any discussion of what happened during the last 7 (9 for me) months of his disappearance. I'm sure he carries a lot of guilt/shame and wants to pretend nothing has happened .. he is not going to want to discuss it with his children. So it bleeds out in other ways .. he makes decisions and there is no discussion about how it affects me. So him renting movies and informing the kids he will come by tomorrow and take them back. UGH .. NOOOO .. I have spent the last week/s with way to much contact I don't want him coming over yet again .. when I have to deal with him for visitation AGAIN this weekend. His response and it was valid .. I did offer. I wanted to be clear this would not be a norm.
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Why did you offer to take them back? I told the kids I'd come get it .. and you said yesterday that you would take it back.
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I'm typing back a response and he responds again .. now he's mad .. oi
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I'll drop off the cards and some money Friday. I think it's best that we don't communicate unless absolutely necessary.
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My response
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I did it because I really didn't want you coming over today. I sincerely don't mean that in a mean way. I just feel like I'm being pushed and forced into situations that I'm not ready for ..
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I responded again
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I agree that would be best.
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I let him have the last word .. LOL
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Agreed.
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The bottom line for me .. I want contact on MY terms not his .. maybe that's not fair .. personally .. because this is my world .. I think it is fair. Given the history, given the fact that he's not and I really don't expect him to acknowledge the fact that I have a reason to feel the way I do. Especially when I'm feeling unsafe .. seriously .. I didn't take out the OP for fun .. I took it out because I felt threatened .. his behavior was concerning to me .. he had people coming by my home, pulling into my driveway and so on. SOOOO NOT ok .. and he's ignoring the fact that I have my hand extended and I'm saying STOP and he's ignored me. He's continuing to ignore me. Honestly .. I didn't want him to go away in anger .. I just wanted him to give me some space and time. However that's his line isn't it. Well it's mine now .. LOL! The old line of it's not you, .. it's me .. well .. nooo .. it's him .. it's definitely him.
It is sad that he believes that in his world .. I should be past all this .. well .. in some regards I am .. I know what I want and don't want .. he needs to keep his Almond Joy away from me. I am actually past the anger of the break up and betrayal .. that doesn't mean I look away blindly either. It just is what it is and I'm not going to call a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a ham a cheese sandwich because it makes him more comfortable .. so not my issue. His choices and now this is the fallout. Now .. what he chooses to do with that information .. I am powerless and he's angry now. Well .. really that's on him as well. He is in recovery and if he is being honest with his sponsor .. then his sponsor is going to tell him .. umm .. gee guy .. what is your part in this situation? The question is .. is he being honest? Probably not if he's posting about his Almond Joy his sponsor would be going WTH are you doing .. at least I know my sponsor would .. LOL!? She would straight up tell me .. keep your Mounds to yourself! She would be on me about why my page was public as well. I mean that in a WTH are you doing kind of way.
Ok my prediction .. he's going to drop off the cards, .. have an excuse about the money Friday. I'm just going to be whatever at this point. He's going to do what he's going to do .. what am I going to do? Focus on me and my recovery and give myself a big pat on the back for telling him how I felt. That's a big deal. I'm not expecting him to fix it .. I'm finding more and more it's about being heard and that is directly related to my safety issues. He can choose not to listen .. I can choose to say STOP .. if he won't STOP .. I can go to the courts again.
Hugs, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Amazing, isn't it, how quickly the drama starts again when we open the door just a crack to a person without program? Going over what happened in the past with my A and some of my family members backfired enough times for me, I learned to stop wanting to do that and just chose to deal with what is happening today in relationship to all of them. Otherwise, the old drama just keeps playing itself out over and over again and I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of confusion, angst, anger and hurt. Like you, when I sense the drama is starting back up again, I back away from my A and my sibs and turn to my sponsor or people I enjoy and feel safe with at the time so I can restore myself to feeling in control of myself and my life.
Lots of prayers for you, S. This is no easy situation for you.
My mistake with my son was to always text back my feelings and hurts. My mistake was engaging with him when he was trying to get me into his world. It didn't matter what it was, it was him wanting me in the picture some how some way. When I finally decided to stop with the petty jabber, he finally realized I was not coming to his side of the street anymore. Yeah....that's what I had to do.
When he left his dad's house that night, I thought for sure he would be here or call. He didn't. When I finally found/talked to him he said he would have never called me. My boundary finally worked for once. I think he would know I would look for him but he didn't start the process so I feel good about my part.
One day at a time my friend.....you are not alone.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Serenity, I know I had to have no contact for my recovery to move to that other place of forgiveness and compassion and trust is another matter. In many ways its about trusting yourself not him. Hes shown you who he is and what hes capable of, thats no mystery, to trust him would be back in denial land. I had to trust myself around the alcoholics in my life. My ex and I have no contact unless there are extenuating circumstances. Is this possible for you? Can you tell him he is not to ever come to your house, set up a nuetral meeting place when its his turn to have the kids, can a friend go with the kids? That way you can have that distance and step away from his world, build your strength back up. Your recent posts suggest he is taking up an awful lot of your time and thoughts, is the obsession still alive and kicking? Are you trying to control the father that he is? Reaching out to your sponsor might be the thing to do. In support.x
I think my frustration is more I thought we had moved past this point and he's the one forcing these encounters. He's throwing hooks as big as anchors a the moment and I'm just trying to ignore them however .. it's like ignoring the pink elephant a bit .. lol .. I see the anchor .. I don't want to deal with the anchor however it's blocking my path so it's more about a decision how do I choose to react to the anchor. It's my validation that .. no .. I'm not crazy .. I'm not imagining things this is actually happening .. I don't know about you however .. sometimes just writing it out to I can read it or hear it helps me process what is happening. My sponsor isn't available at the moment and I have already leaned hard on her .. I just am indifferent in terms of dealing with him .. I just would prefer not to. So why does he keep coming to my side .. leave me alone! I was very happy with our arrangement for the last 9 months.
Honestly, until the divorce is finished and finalized this is my way of easing my anxiety about the situation. I'm hoping that is going to be sooner than later. I don't want to control him .. I just want him to do what he's going to do and leave us (the kids and I) alone. When I had the OP .. it was bliss .. seriously bliss .. I didn't have to talk to him .. I didn't have to deal with him .. I really only thought about him when court dates would be coming. I do have a court date on Monday of this next week. Again .. it's anxiety in terms of waiting for the next shoe to drop financially.
The other factor is I'm trying to rebuild some kind of relationship with his s/mom that has nothing to do with him. She's the only present grandparent in terms of his dad is in Chile and my mom is in California. So it would be nice for the kids to have a relationship with her .. however .. ugh .. again .. I haven't had contact with her since the "visitation incident". He's making comments and actually he's trying to control that situation .. I haven't said a word to him about it. Some of the things I will address to her .. mostly just the parenting agreement and why it's written the way it is .. how the kids are doing and if this is going to cause a backslide for her, myself or the kids .. then maybe we need to rethink a few things. He's making comments to the kids about when she's going to call me and so on .. ALL of which are none of his business.
I did wonder about control, however no .. he knows that no video rentals come to the house (MY house) that are one's he gets the kids. It's one more way for him to control what I do with my time. He did offer to take it back .. he never discussed it with me. It was this is what Dad is going to do .. NOOOO .. he needs to check in with me before making these decisions for me that's a big deal because he's just walking all over me. In my mind it's the same thing as buying the kids a pet, sending it to MY house and expecting me to just say wow .. that's great. Noooo .. we didn't have that discussion. What he does is up to him .. what he chooses to bring into his house .. totally his business .. he has NO rights to make decisions for the children .. and he has NO rights to make decisions for me. He signed those away. In my mind that is a safety issue .. I know that sounds weird .. and I DO trust me which is why I'm listening to that quiet voice that says .. no this isn't OK and it's OK to protect myself. He needs to stay on his side of the street and leave my side alone. I'm way ok with that.
Thanks for reading :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In my opinion you are really healthy in your thinking, especially when hes trying to steal some of your power. The video thing is a way to control what your doing with your time even if its intentonial or not. I understand where your coming from, I have to be very careful and constantly reaffirm my boundaries with my son because he would control my time, home, money in the blink of an eye and hes very skilled at it, even with recovery I can slip under before I even realise. The difference with recovery is that I can see it now, he will never drag me far down again because I know the games and tricks. The spell has been broken, the denial that kept me weak and in fear has gone, maybe not completely but most of it. Leaning on my program means I can trust myself to do the right things that keep me safe, even if it takes time, il always have the tools now.x
It sounds to me like he is consciously or unconsciously trying to slowly get back to controlling you and or manipulate you. Some men think they can always call the shots. Things have changed now and he is not aware of that. His behavior is repeating itself and because in the past and the present he gets the outcome he wants he will continue that way. NO is a complete sentence, so is STOP. You are serious he is still acting.........in support og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Hi there it's is a crazy disease that's for sure. And I know how your feeling there is a lot of my drama I seen In your text. If things could be a little easier , my boundaries did not work either the only thing that worked was the court ordered him to stay away but that didn't work out well for me or him . The ink was still wet when he decided to pay me another visit. He was put up for a week in a jail cell, not a great place to be but I'm sure it gave him plenty of time to sit and think on his actions . I lived in a controlled manipulating verbal emotional abusive home with the alcoholic who got sober and still questioning why ? He lost everything and guess where he tossing his pity theses days . Yup right in my empty pity pot , I cleaned out myself with my program. He might be getting out of jail tomorrow . So yes my boundary were not strong enough so the court is setting new ones for me .
I feel like we are in the same spot. I go almost 0% contact. That seems to be the only thing that works. If I give an inch, somehow that means take 4 miles please. Ummmmm NO
LOL .. PP .. Nooo .. no one to share his Almond Joy with, .. I have no doubt he's hitting the personal sites hard at the moment. This is what he does.
El-Cee .. that's exactly what it is .. my behavior is relatively new especially for my dealings with him .. I mean I have worked hard to get here since last August between my program and therapy .. I'm doing really well. It's still very new for me .. it took me a long time to get as sick as I was .. it's going to take a long time to get better .. although I slide through a few spots really well ... lol .. there are others that are stickier. I am in a much healthier place .. I also second guess myself with everything in terms of, .. is that ok? Is that appropriate? Is it ok for me to say how I'm feeling? I call my sponsor run by a situation and say .. ok .. this is how I want to respond .. is that healthy? It is exhausting to be around him because I am just always on guard and after this move, the holiday .. I just wanted one day that I didn't have to deal with him. I thought I did ok in terms of telling him how I was feeling .. without a lot of emotional drama. I really didn't expect him to do anything to "fix" the situation .. just more of .. you may want me to be the same .. I'm not. What Cathy said about engaging him that wasn't my intension .. however I can see my part .. I feel that if I don't verbalize .. I wind up with resentments and I wind up being the one who is frustrated .. honestly .. while I'm sorry he's back to being angry .. I'm ok with it and it's actually a relief. He has shown me who he is .. and I guess I feel that it's my turn to show him who I am .. now. He's not going to like it, because I don't buy into the same garbage I used to .. the illusion of fear and denial is gone.
OG .. YES .. this has been a life long battle for me in terms of giving away my power to others and I am working hard to stop it. He is a man who likes to use the bible to justify and rationalize his behavior. He is also a man who doesn't respect women. So for me to draw boundaries, .. for me to say NO, for me to say that's not OK. I'm taking my power back, .. not giving it to him and I'm ok with that part of the deal .. apparently he's not ok with it and again .. I'm ok with that .. lol.
Wisdom .. Court ordered boundaries are what worked best for me. My STBAX violated the OP 3x in a matter of 3 weeks it was the 3rd time after that awful visitation with the kids I had to make a very difficult decision .. it's a decision I do NOT regret. He spent the weekend in jail. After that happened he got clued in really fast that I really did mean what I said. My kids actually were begging me to call the police because they were very frightened that he was going to hurt himself. Ironically he wound up on the 7th floor (psych ward) 4 weeks later. He gets it better now .. I think the irony of our situation is that in the past he's the one who would say .. he needed space, he needed time, it was him not me kind of lines .. this time .. my response is I need space .. I need time .. honestly .. sorry if it hurts your feelings .. that's just not my issue to deal with anymore. Yes .. it's you not me kind of deal. I do not want contact .. honestly until he's in better shape mentally .. I don't want him around the kids either however that's not my choice. I doubt he will continue to see the kids unless he meets a flavor of the month who does that work for him. That has been my role in the past to be the emotional buffer between him and the outside world. He didn't have to think and he didn't have to be responsible for the outcome of the situation.
Truth .. YES .. OMGOSH .. that's exactly it .. I opened the door to look outside and the leg came flying in .. NO! I would prefer zero contact .. it's a little harder with the kids at this point .. at some point it will be easier. I'm hoping to move out of state that would be a blessing. I am not looking to be unreasonable .. again .. this is not on his terms anymore .. it's my terms now .. it's the kids terms .. it's been his terms for 17 years now and that didn't workout well at all.
I'm feeling better in terms of the move .. I still am covered with boxes and bags .. lol. That's ok .. I'm just trying to get things situated and I just needed some time where he's just not constantly in my space. This is NOT his house .. this is NOT his time. He gets the kids Fri, Sat and Sun every other week the reality is THEY call the shots on that issue .. if they don't want to go .. they don't go. They are only willing to go 5 hours on Sunday .. the rest of the time they don't want to deal with him. I'm going to have to start forcing some time on Saturday as well. I hate to say it that way .. however I need some serious downtime and I would like to make plans for myself.
Anyway, I appreciate the support .. it's been a LONG 2 years and I just hope that things are wrapping up. He wants to go to trial however he's completely clueless as to what that means .. it means 5k .. LOL .. good luck with that!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
