(((((((((cdb))))))))))) im sorry for what you are going through. i know all about living with the rage. i knew i had to make those posts for a reason. glad you got something out of them. i realized how sick i really am. i cant answer you if the prayers are worth it, although i pray more then once a day for the man i fell in love with to come back. ty so much for your support you are a great friend. im praying for you to see what you need to do. and for your family too. im glad to here your daughter is still in recovery. keep taking care of you, you sound like you're doing well. i too have abandonment issues and have no idea where to begin to deal with them. maybe you can send me some esh on what you have learned. love ya girl.

wow cdb, look at the progress you have made!!! I am so very proud of you. Your
posts before were all about everying else. I actually am very impressed.

I am sorry to hear about your parents. It is so very, very hard. But ya know it
is wonderful they are so close to you.

I was thinking today how this time with my Gma is so very precious. Even though it is
scarey, I have not felt this close to her since i was a child. I always loved her, but
it is so neat to take care of her.

I got her two great comfy dresses and 3 warm nightgowns. You would have thought
I gave her the moon. Yes they were from Goodwill but very nice.

So I know you appreciate this time with your parents. Your brother is the loser. Good
for you, for not trying to control him or put a guilt trip on him. You would have comd out
on the meany end you know?

Ya know I believe you have a backbone already just to consider making boundaries is a big step.

I know how you feel about things. Be sure you won't get tore apart by the bs the
A will come up with.

It is important that we love our self enough that when the A or anyone spews
crap about us, well about our bodies or face, uno what i mean, that we can say, That is your problem, I like me.

That is one thing I don't have to hear. My A has NEVER attacked me about my
body, never has attacked my person. If he did, I would not love him anymore. That is a biggy
for me.

yes I would love to see a post from you that you voiced your boundaries and stuck
to them.

I am working in my mind how to put up a boundary too. hey it can be as simple as, that same old line, if you don't have anything nice to say, be quiet. The trouble
is when they are using they don't care.

I suppose then you must have a consequence for the behavior.

If he gets mean, immediately go get your keys and have a plan
set up for you to go to.

I am ready to tell A here if he wants to be around me at all, he better never say
anything bad about me again. He better not say anything.

Wait this was about you not ME!!! lol lol smoink smoink

seriously i wonder if you realize how different you sound. so cool.

hugs to you and family. love,debilyn who somehow needs to practice what
she preaches......

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{cdb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've read your other posts about your rageaholic a husband.  My mom and former supervisor were both rageaholics.  To me, it always felt like abuse.  It became harder and harder to take care of myself in these situations.  I did set boundaries but they were not respected.  I'm praying for the highest good of all concerned in your situation.  That covers a lot of territory.    Please keep us posted.

I can certainly relate to feeling resentment about having to deal with an A's parents. My  boyfriend's mother is incredibly narcissistic and difficult to be around. I have had a lot of realizatons about my boyfriend's wanting me to be around her.  For starters he and his brother smoke dope when they are togther (the brother lives with the mother). If I am around I babysit the mother and they can just smoke dope. I felt incredibly used when I realized this was about the only reason he took me over there.  I also felt used that he does not have an understanding she is incredibly difficult to be around, her narcissism is all consuming. I have to say I did not do that to anyone. I did not expect any one to deal with my family of origin.  I certainly had my family of origin come over but I did not submit anyone to them.  My boyfriend spends every holiday with them or dealing with them and it totally over rides any celebrations for the two of us as a couple.  He is dealing with the after effects of smoking dope with his brother most of the holiday.  So I do resent them deeply. And I can understand that if you are dealing with your own parents you do not want to take on someone else's parents either.

 

I have not been to a holiday celebration with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and that is helpful to just give up on it.  I also do not engage his mother and have basically just given up on the relationship. What I have to do is stay out of what he does with them. Its his choice that he spends the holidays with them. I can give up grieving that he does not want to spend the holidays with me after all he is totally enmeshed with them.

I think for me when the drama faded in my life I got really serious about boundaries. Go gently with yourself on them. Boundaries are complicated stuff. The more I focus on them the more complicated I find them. I do find that they are very very helpful in setting limits. I do set limits now early in new relatonships. If someone blurs a boundary I know it.  Before I knew it like 10 years later.

Exploring boundaries both internal and external is hard work.

How is your self care. If you are exhausted. And I know that caring for elderly parents is exhausting are you giving yourself space around that. I say that because exhaustion was one of the things that led to my physical health collapsing many times. Are you getting rest and relaxation?

I know for me dealing with my siblings has always been difficult because I had an idealized sense that one day they would come to me and be able to be honest about our childhood. That has not happened and we are all middle aged now. I do not rule it out but it has not happened yet.  I had to let go of that idealized image. 

My sibling issues came up a lot with my boyfriend and the way he is around his friends.  I had a lot of sibling rivalry stuff come up from my childhood about that.  There was tremendous jealousy and envy in my family of origin because my elder sister was treated as the hero who did nothing wrong. There were times when the way my boyfriend behaved with one of his friends (spending inordinate amounts of time wiht them) that echoed the way my mother behaved with my older sister. It was incredibly painful for me to look at and deal with.

So I am not suprized that your sibling issues reappeared. They do at different times and the opportunity is there to work on them. I am grateful I had the chance to work on those envy/jealousy issues because they were certainly getting in the way in many areas of my life.  I am also grateful to work on the over responsible stuff because that was something I was asked to assume as a child and I have had to discard as an adult.

Saying NO has been hard for me. Lately I have been willing to admit to being exhausted emotionally. This last year took its toll on me.  I have had a lot to deal with. I choose right now not to take much on because I am recuperating from that and taking lots of rest.

Dealing with parents who are elderly is a lot to take on. I hope you can practice saying no whether it is to your daughter or your husband. If you are in these rooms you can ask for support, feedback and understanding and know that you will not be good at saying no in the beginning but eventually it does get easier to say No and mean it and create that personal space for yourself where you can recoup and rejuvenate yourself.

maresie.