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Post Info TOPIC: Not trusting my judgement


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Posts: 3
Not trusting my judgement

Hi all. I am new here. I have been reading posts for quite some time and they do give me great comfort sometimes. I was with an alcoholic for 25 yrs, married for 16yrs. My father is an alcoholic as well, although I never really realized that until about 10 yrs ago..which I find odd. Good childhood I think just always a drink in hand. My A and I got together at age 17. Everything seemed good until 12 yrs later. He will say that everything changed for him when kids came along. I was no longer any fun. It was not easy to go out and socialize, I wanted him home with me. 11 yrs later we are strangers, he continued on with his life and mine revolved around my girls. I feel like I spent a lifetime looking out the front window waiting for him to come home. I became a bitter resentful person. Not someone anyone would want to be around. I almost cannot blame him for avoiding our house and me. He would spend 1-3 nights a week elsewhere and he would tell me that he did not answer to me for I was not his boss or his mother. I could not take it anymore and filed for divorce, which is in process. But I do not trust my judgement in anything anymore. He will say that he stayed away because either I didnt want him to drink in the home, I nagged him to do things around the house, or why should he come home if I wasn't going to do what he wanted ... ie sex. I know that blame is something that alcoholics seem to need to do, but it so messes with my thinking. Indecision and guilt plague me greatly. Which came first, his list or my finding his drinking becoming a problem? I remember the time before I filed as chaos in my brain. I find I don't remember a lot of things and worry that perhaps I have blown everything out of proportion? He said that I stood up there and pledged for better and for worse and that I knew he drank before we married. I came to f2f al anon after filing a year and a half ago. Wish I had done so before. Hindsight. Not sure what I am looking for here, a chance to vent maybe? Just wishing I could find some confidence in myself. Thanks for listening :)


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1582

Hugs, Ontario, it sounds like you're struggling and I totally understand. Keep coming back and vent all you want!

You said it in your post: Alcoholics need to blame. He blamed the kids, he blamed you, etc. They need to turn the mirror away from themselves, it's part of the disease. I call it the "don't look at me" disease. Glad you are going to meetings, are you working with a sponsor and do you have Al Anon friends you can call for support? Bitterness and anger are part of our disease, but we do have help with our Higher Power and our program to release ourselves from our self-inflicted pain. I know I waffle every day, some days I'm compassionate, other days I'm filled with rage, while other days are peaceful and easy because I'm putting the focus on me. Remember, it's progress, not perfection.

I've been married for 17 years, my AH started drinking again 2 years ago after 15 years of sobriety. He will still say, "You knew I was a drinker when you married me." Umm, he had quit drinking before we put those rings on our fingers and I was a naive, just out of college, young girl and had no idea what alcoholism was or could turn out to be. You can go back and read through past threads to learn more about where we've all been, but you'll find that we all have a common thread that brought us here. Some of us are still with our A's(like me), some are going through divorces(like you), while others are separated or remarried, etc. And, there are some on here who are dealing with addiction in their children, coworkers, or extended families. Alcoholism touches everyone it comes into contact with, we all suffer, but so does the alcoholic. Hugs to you today!

Struggling to find me......

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 15991

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I understand your concern and confusion  Living with the disease of alcoholism is too much for most of us.  As the Meeting opening states  "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it."    I am glad that you are attending alanon face to face meetings in your community and have decided to share the recovery journey here.'

It is so important to break the isolation caused by this disease and to develop new tools that will help to rebuild our self esteem and confidence. 

Keeping the focus on ourselves, daily reading of alanon literature, working the Steps all work to restore us to sanity

Keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 22nd of October 2012 09:32:57 PM




~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 579

Your title says you are not trusting yourself. I am very familiar with this feeling, believe me. Needless guilt is a big part of it. Sometimes I have guilt because I react the wrong way and that's why I have to do my own work every day, to see where I can do better but also to trust myself.

As an alkie, let me tell you that the whole world can make me thirsty, but only I can make myself drink again. We AAs like to blame others for what we do to ourselves. Even today I still have days where I can blame my parents and anyone else who comes to mind but whether we are AAers or Alanoners or both, in program we find we don't have to be victims, we have a way out, a spiritual way of living.

Hopefully I will do bettre tomorrow than I did today. In fact, you just helped me, thank you, that will be my prayer for tonight.

God bless you on this new journey of self-discovery.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1150

He said that I stood up there and pledged for better and for worse and that I knew he drank before we married.
My AH didn't have to say that to me. I said it to myself. And then one wise AlAnon reminded me that the AH had stepped away from the marriage long before. There was really not that marriage left to protect. I was pledging myself to something that no longer existed. But when we change, in our thoughts and attitudes, and in our actions, there is always "pushback" from the alkie. They don't like having us change. They see their world challenged when we change. So he has to tell you that it is all your fault. He has to make you feel guilty. He has to make you stop changing so his world won't change.

That's why we tell you to focus on yourself and not him and his disease. You have to do what makes you happy, no matter what happened in the past. What makes you happy today? I have 4 daughters and they always make me happy, even when they were teenagers. I could see them doing the same dumb stuff that I did. I just have to have faith and trust that their higher power is watching them. Find your happiness wherever you can find it. Live for today. You can't change the past. I was once reminded that even the HP can't change history.

Take care of yourself.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3940

Wow my exAH said that to me and told me also I left him when he needed me most. Well after having two years of Al-anon and a year and a half of MIP with a sponsor the whole time I am sure I made the right decision. I needed him for years while he was selfish and didn't treat me right, it was crazy making and living with an A got to be too much for me. I don't even care anymore what came first the chicken or the egg. If you make it to face to face meetings and read Al-anon literature regularly, come here, get a sponsor and work the steps, chances are you will get healthier and know for sure where you want to be headed. Al-anon has made me comfortable in my skinsuit and in my thinking and well it feels great. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very informative and so was "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie in my early recovery. I am sending you love and support on your journey!



Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13681


Aloha Ontario and welcome to the board...what you're thing and how you're feeling is normal for the spouses, family, friends and associates of alcoholics.  Normal ...not nice or sane.   I came to learn in Al-Anon thru the definition of alcoholism that it is an incurable disease and if not arrested by total abstinence it will be come fatal...The alcoholic has three choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death.  We have much the same three choices and it sounds like you've been doing the insanity part lately.  You can get out of that by coming here and going to face to face Al-Anon meetings.  Here and there you will be supported by many many others who know what you are going thru because we have been there ourselves...having the same thoughts and feelings for the same reasons and doing the same non-working behaviors.   We were not born with the manual on how to live in alcoholism and it wasn't a subject in school.  So you've got the grace to be here and I hope you stick around and listen with and open mind for the things that work for others here which will work for you also when you listen, learn and practice, practice, practice.   Read the entries from the newcomers who have been here for just a short time and are learning to change the things they can and how they are doing now.  That is Hope because the program does work...when you work it.

As for the disease in your marriage and relationship?  you didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you will not be able to cure it...stop trying.  I once heard an alcoholic tell a group of other alcoholic..."sober is normal, drunk abnormal".  I learned alot from that myself because it is true and it relieved me of expecting normal from my alcoholic/addict wife.  I learned how to separate the women I was married to...My wife and then my alcoholic/addict.

Please keep reading and coming back and going to meetings and posting your ESH Experience, Strengths and Hopes with us.  We support each other and help each other grow and heal.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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