Welcome to Miracles in Progress
I understand your concern and confusion Living with the disease of alcoholism is too much for most of us. As the Meeting opening states "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." I am glad that you are attending alanon face to face meetings in your community and have decided to share the recovery journey here.'
It is so important to break the isolation caused by this disease and to develop new tools that will help to rebuild our self esteem and confidence.
Keeping the focus on ourselves, daily reading of alanon literature, working the Steps all work to restore us to sanity
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Your title says you are not trusting yourself. I am very familiar with this feeling, believe me. Needless guilt is a big part of it. Sometimes I have guilt because I react the wrong way and that's why I have to do my own work every day, to see where I can do better but also to trust myself.
As an alkie, let me tell you that the whole world can make me thirsty, but only I can make myself drink again. We AAs like to blame others for what we do to ourselves. Even today I still have days where I can blame my parents and anyone else who comes to mind but whether we are AAers or Alanoners or both, in program we find we don't have to be victims, we have a way out, a spiritual way of living.
Hopefully I will do bettre tomorrow than I did today. In fact, you just helped me, thank you, that will be my prayer for tonight.
God bless you on this new journey of self-discovery.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Ontario and welcome to the board...what you're thing and how you're feeling is normal for the spouses, family, friends and associates of alcoholics. Normal ...not nice or sane. I came to learn in Al-Anon thru the definition of alcoholism that it is an incurable disease and if not arrested by total abstinence it will be come fatal...The alcoholic has three choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death. We have much the same three choices and it sounds like you've been doing the insanity part lately. You can get out of that by coming here and going to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Here and there you will be supported by many many others who know what you are going thru because we have been there ourselves...having the same thoughts and feelings for the same reasons and doing the same non-working behaviors. We were not born with the manual on how to live in alcoholism and it wasn't a subject in school. So you've got the grace to be here and I hope you stick around and listen with and open mind for the things that work for others here which will work for you also when you listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Read the entries from the newcomers who have been here for just a short time and are learning to change the things they can and how they are doing now. That is Hope because the program does work...when you work it.
As for the disease in your marriage and relationship? you didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you will not be able to cure it...stop trying. I once heard an alcoholic tell a group of other alcoholic..."sober is normal, drunk abnormal". I learned alot from that myself because it is true and it relieved me of expecting normal from my alcoholic/addict wife. I learned how to separate the women I was married to...My wife and then my alcoholic/addict.
Please keep reading and coming back and going to meetings and posting your ESH Experience, Strengths and Hopes with us. We support each other and help each other grow and heal.