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Post Info TOPIC: I am new here, losing my husband to alcohol


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
I am new here, losing my husband to alcohol
 


I have finally decided to get help for myself.  I know I cannot fix him or his problems now.  I plan on going to my first Al-Anon meeting next week.  I am on the computer a lot and decided to check out this forum for a little support and education when I cannot be in therapy or at a live meeting.

 

 

My husband and I met 9 years ago, it was a beautiful relationship.  We were best friends who even had a special way to communicate.  I could almost read his thoughts we were so close. 

My mother is a lifelong alcoholic and I promised myself I would never marry one...and now it turns out that I have.

For the first six years of our marriage I worked and put my husband through pharmacy school.  We were poor but happy.  It seems that as soon as he got close to graduation something changed.  He started drinking and skipping class.  He almost failed out of school.  He failed his licensing exams 5 times... he stopped being motiviated.  I thought it was a phase...his family doctor prescribed some pills he took as a teenager and that was that.

I turned a blind eye to his drinking...I thought I was over-reacting or thinking it was more serious than what it was...

FF to two weeks ago... my husband tells me he doesn't love me, that he never wanted to marry me, and that he is ready to be free.  I found out about an affair and three prostitutes.  I am so heartbroken.

His drinking became out of control the past two years.  He cannot go two days without it.  He buys hard liquor, expensive bottles and finishes them in a night.  I finally got the courage to make him leave the house.  In the past two days he has drained his bank account at the bars.  He not only buys himself drinks, but drinks for his friends "employees"....it is nothing for him to have a 200 dollar bar tab.  These people leech off of him, and my husband feels he has to buy his friends.

I am so sad to watch him destroy his life, he cut of his parents first, then his close friends, and finally me.  I have lost my best friend to this disease.  The only thing he has left is his job...and I am scared that will be next.  I quit my job to go to school last year and I have no income, no family around...they are all out of state. 

I feel so alone in this. 

 

I am seeing a therapist to break my co-dependant behavior, I need to be strong again and value myself.  I had always put him first, I gave myself completely to our marriage and his happiness.

 

Thanks for reading my long post.  I just feels good to get it out to people who have been there.



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3871
Date:
 

Hugs and welcome guillideth,

You are in the right place there are many wonderful wise people on the boards of MIP. :) I"m very glad to hear you are going to make a f2f meeting. You will find people and know you are not alone and you do not have to go at this alone.

The 3 C's you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control it and you will not cure it.

Please keep coming back to the boards you are so worth it, P :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1747
Date:
 



Gullideth,

So sorry to hear your circumstances, many of us have been where your at. Its devastating!!

First thing you must try and do is make yourself completely reliant on yourself. If you can get that job to support yourself, that would the best thing you could do.

Keep going to the meetings and therapy, your doing the best thing you could do for yourself.
What I have learned from being married to an alcoholic is that when the brain is altered by the substances, they dont know what they are saying and they act out. My XAH , after 26 years of marriage, created another family that I knew nothing about, until the kids(twins) were one year old.

We must take care of ourselves in the best way we know how. Its not our fault. This is a progressive , devastating disease, in which we the spouses and family members cant cope on our own. You are the child of an alcoholic also, Alanon will be a blessing.

Please keep coming backf .

Hugs, Bettina

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Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 9481
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Aloha Gullideth...and welcome to the board.  You did in fact find a home where there is family that understands and has learned how to make proper changes.  I have also done the counselor and face to face meetings and such and have eventually kept it to the program of Al-Anon and AA.  Yes I am also alcoholic so I know what that way of live is along with enabling the disease in others.   I also was born and raised within the disease which has resulted in the largest gratitude I have ever had in life...getting into the spiritual program of recovery....Please keep coming back here and recovering with us.   Prayers going out for you and for the alcoholic.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 133
Date:
 

Welcome Gullideth! You have found the right place! You'll be embraced with love, strength and understanding!

Keep coming back!

((hugs))

__________________

~Kat

 Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2700
Date:
 

sounds like a great argument for alimony,if you can get it in your state.

Yes it is so horrible what you are going thru.here you are trying to go to school on top of it! I used to tell myself,"You just have to get your body there." When I was at my job or college, I taught me to just think about that and nothing else...

It is horrible hon. I am so sorry!sons wife did this and she gave him uno. rrrrr thats how he found out she was cheating. I hope you got tested.

Maybe you can go to the financial Aid dept, ask them if there is anything they can do. Loans grants etc.

I lost mine to his disease too.lost my first one when he was drunk and got in an accident. Hate this disease. I never knew about it much. My family doesn't even cuss! No aism.

Please know he did love you when he was well. But the brain is so effected and probably damaged. Its horrible what alcohol does to  a body.

Al anon can teach so many things that will help you. One day at a time was huge for me. I learned to take care of all I had to and could, then let it go the rest of the day.

I also totally put myself in HP's hands. Whatever comes I do the footwork, he does the result.

I hope you will keep coming! love, Debilyn



__________________
Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 895
Date:
 

Hi and welcome,

I hear your pain as you say you are loosing your best friend.  In al anon you will find new friends, lots of love and support you are not alone.  we all understand your pain. My partner has been in AA for 2 years and is currently drinking again, he accepts he has a disease today and knows where to get the help I am powerless.  So what can i do for myself to help ease the pain of watching someone i love self distruct.  I take a step back and leave him to feel the pain of what his drinking is doing to his life and hopefully it will get bad enough he reaches out for help.  I reach out for help to al anon, go to as many meetinga as I can, get phone numbers off memebers and chat on the phone, get a sponsor, read al anon literature and come on here.  Slowly I feel bettter, if your husband is as special as you say he would want you to protect and take care of yourself and hopefully oneday he will get the strength to fight this disease.

 

hugs



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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
 

Thank you all for the warm welcome and encouraging words. He came by the house today to work on our budget and get some things. It was so hard not to break down and cry in front of him, but I don't want to show any weakness. He does halfishly admit that he "might" have a problem. He talked about getting back in the gym....doing something constructive. I have been telling him that for years...quit your destructive behavior and do something good with yourself. I also told him he cannot come home until he commits to treatment and we see a marriage counselor. I told him he doesn't have to love me again, he just has to work on himself and get better, we can work on it from there. I have to fix myself before I let him back in my heart as well, I will not fall into the same habits and patterns because I will be chasing my tail for the rest of my life. I cannot wait until my first meeting. Are the dates and times on this website accurate?

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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
 

oh...here is the site... I thought it was this one but it was another. I don't know where my head is at. http://www.aavirginia.org/hp/member-services-intro.asp

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1595
Date:
 

I am so glad you are here and have found our big family on MIP.  You are amongst true friends that understand your problems as few others could. 

As so many others have suggested, we have no control over the alcoholic will drink or not.  The only thing we can do is take an action for ourselves. 

Please consider going to the face to face meetings of alanon.  I think you will find tremendous love and support there through this difficult time.

We are here for you at all hours of the night and day in support.  

Keep coming back, it works!

Respectfully Yours, Tommye



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1234
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Welcome gullideth!

I understand the feeling of "losing my husband to alcohol."  Truly, I do.  I was married 36 years, divorced him for 1, and now live with him again (Thanks to Al-Anon & AA programs.)

You likely have lost yourself, too.  You can find yourself again and the answers to just about all your questions in the rooms of Al-Anon.  I hope you give the program a good chance.

The program might feel strange at first.  It did to me and other members express similar sentiments.  But like them, I hung in there, returning to meetings each week, and now the program is make enough sense to me that I feel I will be a lifelong member.

The program will give you principles to govern your life by.  You can take the parts of the program that feel right to you and leave the rest.  Once you begin attending, you won't feel alone.  Oh, I know that awful feeling of being alone.  It is totally unnecessary.

You are off to an excellent beginning:  you asked for help (first you had to admit you needed it).  So, kudos to you!

Keep coming back here.  Vent if you need to.  My gosh, if anyone were to go back and look at some of my old posts, they could see a significant difference in me - thanks to the program and the members of this board!  For example, one thread I started the topic was about wanting to "rip him a new one" or something like that.  Now, I don't feel this way at all, even if he relapses, he'll only have one  wink

Glad you found us.  You are not alone anymore!  Take good care, Gail



__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 381
Date:
 

Dear quillideth, your story reminds me somewhat of a pattern that was commonly recognized at a medical school that i was associated with.  It was part of a large university, of course.  At that time, if the spouse of the medical student worked for the university, then 1/2 of the tuition was forgiven.  A huge number of the medical students took advantage of this--in effect, the wives were footing the  majority of  the finances for the marriage.  The marriages thru med school/internship and residency is one of much sacfifice for the spouse.

These wives tended to be a very loyal lot and assumed that after their husbands education was complete, then their "grateful" husbands would give them their time in the sun.  Sometimes that did happen, but it ws not uncommon for the husbands to announce that they wanted something different.

These poor women found themselves devestated that they had "invested" so much and were left disillusioned, depressed, and some of them turned to alcohol themselves to try to deal with it.  Most entered therapy of some sort for this crisis in their lives.

I don't really know how many times the husbands drinking was a problem.  People tend to hide it in this environment.

I do think that you have to think about yourself first, right now.  You can't change what has already taken place.  You are young and strong.  Take all the help and support that you can find. 

Keep the faith and trust in yourself foremost.

In support, Otie



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3258
Date:
 

Q, I was in your situation for the most part having followed my partner to florida and away from all my family, having to start over...It was not easy, but it was worth it. Being independent again is scary but, along with it comes freedom and choices you didn't think you had before. In working the program of Alanon you may find a faith that will allow you to progress through this period without being so fearful. You can find support in the form of people who have been through exactly what you have.

After getting past the sadness and loss of the break up, I then also stopped worrying about my ex and what would happen to him if he continued drinking (that's his issue). Yes, you may have lost a lot due to this illness of alcoholism....BUT: Focus on what you have now. You have yourself, your spirituality, your independency, your choices, your freedom....It's going to be okay. Time will heal most of your wounds if not all. Relief will probably set in soon when you realize you are no longer tied to someone that is a trainwreck in all areas (the rational thoughts kick in after the intense feelings of loss and disappointment get worked through).

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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
 

I just joined, too, and also am married to a man who is trapped in his destructive addictions. I've attended Al-Anon meetings over the past 5 years but don't go so regularly anymore. Am working as a counseling intern while coping with this devastating home life and felt the need to reach out for more support. Glad to have found this forum and will be exploring some other conversations here over the weekend. Looking forward to connecting with many of you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1595
Date:
 

wounded,

Welcome to MIP.  I am glad you are here.  Wont you consider posting a new topic so we have a chance to get to know you better.  We are a funny lot so stick around and read posts for awhile.  Keep coming back, I am just so glad you came.

Best,

Tommye



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1124
Date:
 

Hello and welcome !

Not sure how "alanony" this is going to sound but.... I too have seen numerous times when I was in the medical field how many wives worked to put thier husbands through medical and pharmacy school with the promises of being able to finish thier schooling once thier husbands were through school and established in the medical community then to kinda get a kick in the teeth within a few yrs that thier husbands wanted to move on for a varity of reasons. It is not at all uncommon for people in medical school to turn to drugs/alcohol themselves from the long hours and pressure of thier schooling. So if I were in your shoes, even if you are just on a trial separation would be to do a little research and get myself the best lawyer available...even if it doesn't lead anywhere and you and your husband reconcile. I would protect myself immediatly.
Also just as if not more immediate pls find alanon meetings in your area. You will find love, support and people who can understand your circumstances like no one else can. Working the program will give you the support, education and new an healthy coping skills to live by,
Blessings

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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
 

Thank you, Tommye. Yes, I will consider that. Is good to get some of this off my chest. The meetings are great but I very often experience a strange sense of isolation there, too. Don't know if this is true for anyone else here.

Jenny K

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3871
Date:
 

woundedhealer wrote:

Thank you, Tommye. Yes, I will consider that. Is good to get some of this off my chest. The meetings are great but I very often experience a strange sense of isolation there, too. Don't know if this is true for anyone else here.

Jenny K


 I do as well Jenny, I don't do well in groups of people.  I can do forums online.  Groups of actual people kind of stress me out big time.  I am always envious of people who say they get together before or after meetings and there are times I really feel like a major freak.  I force myself to go to the f2f even though I feel this way because it's more important what I get out of the meeting than my feelings of insecurity.  I guess it's back to the issue of what drove me to the meeting to begin with my pain out weighed the emotional payoff I was getting.  I figure at some point I will stop feeling so freakish .. although I like to think my inner freak adds something of value to the meeting. :) 

Hugs, P :) 



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 663
Date:
 

Welcome and so glad you found MIP. This disease is awful and it takes a lot fo courage to make it to a meeting. I read a book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and I found it very helpful. Keep up the good work!

__________________

 

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666



Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
 

Pushka, my experience is similar. I will go months without attending a meeting. Then, one fine troubled morning, I realize the pain outweighs whatever social phobias might be pressing down and I let go ... surrender to another meeting, never regretting it. Again, glad to be here and thanks for the support!

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