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Post Info TOPIC: My husband is an alcoholic in denial


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My husband is an alcoholic in denial

I am so sick to my stomach.  Yesterday was our 6 month mark for being married.  We're still newly weds.  I have noticed that my husband drinks alot when he drinks.  He does not think that he does, the problem is though he hides how much he drinks.  He will drink wine in front of me but then hide the vodka he drinks.  I get the blame when I notice the jug of it practiacally gone.  He doesn't make sense, why would he hide the vodka...The only explanation in my mind is that he is trying to create an illusion that he does not drink as much as he says he does.  Drink wine in front of me (Obvious because of smell) hide vodka, no smell i think he's not drinking (he poors it in coffee at night)

I have stage 4 breast cancer and am fighting a battle that is scary.  My stress is high already having to try and survive breast cancer that has spread to m lungs, bone and lymph nodes.  What my husband is doing on top of it is destroying us. I do not trust him.  I want to leave my husband because of his lies and I want to go to al anon meetings because I can't afford to leave in the middle of treatment.  I have only one place to move and that is leave CA and go to WA.  I have so many doctors that I see, surgery scheduled on the 30th and I am falling apart at the seams.  I am 47 years old.  

I threw away all the alcohol in the house and I know he will be furious with me.  However I did it because I was so hurt from the lying and then him blaming me for hiding the vodka drinking. I know I wrote a lot, but I had to get it out.  Hs mother and (Possibly) his father is an alcoholic, it does run in the family.  He said what's the big deal I used to drink two bottles a night.  I told him, had I known I would not have married him.  Then he just snapped at me and said YOU KNEW.  I want to leave him, I can't do this any more.

Wild Flower

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 15991

Welcome Wildflower

I am so sorry that you must deal with this dreadful disease while you are fighting your own personal battle with cancer.  I understand the need for serenity and peace so that you can focus on yourself and getting better. 

One of the many symptons of alcoholism is Denial so believe me you are not alone. 

 Right now I understand your desire to leave and go somewhere else to heal  I would like to suggest that you find an alanon meeting in your community by going to this web siteV Or call: 1-888-4alanon Here and at meetings you will discover you are not alone and be given support, compassion and new tools to live your life by.

Focusing on yourself, your life, taking care of your health, living one day at a time,reading inspirational literature, breaking the isolation you will find the strength and wisdom to know what is best for your family and life

Keep coming back here  You are not alone 

We be




~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 663

I am sending you love and support! I read a great book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, it was a huge help to me and if you are a reader it is a great series of books. I hope you can find time to get yourself into some Al-anon meetings it sounds like you could use it and that is where I have gotten the most relief from dealing with my Alcoholic. I am glad you found your way here to MIP and thanks for posting.



God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1230

Welcome to this board!

What I have to share with you has already been shared by HotRod. I've only been attending meetings and readin ghe Al-Anon literature for a little over 3 months and see a signifcant difference in me.

I also found the book "Getting Them Sober Volume 1" very helpful in the begin of my journey to understand alcoholism. In another post, flopadapilus highly recommends Volume 2 of this same series. I have not read the second volume yet.


You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt

~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1221

Hi and welcome here ((((HUGS))))
Alcoholism is a disease, of the mind, body and spirit. I will share with you what I was told here, that getting to face to face meetings is the way to serenity and feeling better. I have learned that when I change my attitude it changes things in my house. I live with an active drinker, he loves vodka as well, and hides what he drinks. He will tell me he didn't drink at all when I can clearly see he is in a black out. I have tried everything to make him stop, pouring out the booze, yelling, crying, silent treatments, guilt trips, questioning, suggesting things...nothing works to make them stop. They have to first admit they have a problem and then they have to want to go get help. We can't make them. We learn the 3 C's here: We didn't cause them to drink, we can't cure their alcoholism and we can't Control them at all, ever ever ever.... The alanon literature helps tremendously, along with the real time meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. This board is wonderful, too. I spent 10 years in therapy and never felt as good as I do now in just a few weeks of actually going to real meetings and getting alanon friends to talk to about things that are going on.
I hope you find a meeting to get to and that you begin to see that you are worth it! Take care of you :)



Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5639

I think there are probably some other unspoken dynamics going on with your husband. The cheif reason I drank was because I was afraid. I was afraid of everything. That was at the root of all my BS and denial. Your husband has ALOT of fearful things he is facing. While YOU are the designated patient and the one going through the actual cancer, I am guessing he didn't gamble on having to be this supportive and strong for you so soon. This is NOT meant to excuse his lying and alcoholic drinking, but perhaps an honest discussion about the futility of drinking away his fears over your sickness would be in order. It's just a suggestion. I just know how men are with their freaking feelings and it would be a damn shame if you two went round and round about this and never even talked about some of what may be "the real issues."

Of course, I do accept that I could be wrong and he might just be an insensitive lying drunk (in the end, it's up to you to decide).

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