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My wife has had a really hard time for the last year or so and although she is continuing to actively participate in AA, she is also about as unhappy as I've ever seen her. Having a conversation with her is almost impossible as she just gets uncomfortable and insecure. When she is able to have a conversation with me or our friends it just spirals into a constant stream of negativity. And then she wonders why people don't want to spend time with her.
Anyway, what I'm wondering is and what I'm struggling a bit with is the idea of my own happiness while this is going on. The reality is that I'm having a really enjoyable time the last few weeks with our kids. We had a wonderful Christmas and I've been home from work for this entire week and it's been great. I find that I'm spending most of the time with the kids while my wife just sort of sits at the computer.
I know the answer is probably yes, absolutely, you can and should be happy regardless of what is going on with your partner. But I'm just finding it to be hard. I don't want her to bring me down in any way but I also feel bad that the person I've committed to for life is having such a hard time. Has anyone else dealt with this and managed to find a way to make it work?
I deal with this currently. My A just quit AA the other night, but before then even with a program he has been miserable himself and to be around. Of course he doesn't see it. Trying to talk with him about anything other than the weather is a strain. According to him I am always criticizing him and pointing the finger.
The more I work my program the more things become clear. When I am talking only about me with him, and he is not brought up at all he still says I am pointing the finger at him. He victimizes himself at my hands. Working my program has allowed me to remain focused on myself, watch what I say, how I say it and be who I want to be. If I was still in the mode of criticizing him, I would be the excuse, but I am not and I know that. It allows me to see how sick he really is at this point.
I am happy. More happy than I have ever been in my life. I am grateful and sad at the same time my A is having a hard time. Grateful he get's to experience that learning process that brings him closer to who he wants to be. Sad that experience is required in the first place.
My A nor anyone else can bring me down. They don't have that power if I don't hand it over. I remain grateful for the things I do have. When my A is sitting at the computer all the time, I get to bond with our son and better myself in a multitude of ways.
For me my program is what makes the difference. I am involved in program throughout my whole day these days and that helps greatly along with my f2f meetings, aid from my sponsor, listening to speakers, reading, meditating and this wonderful site.
A lot of what you said really really rings true. The bond I feel with my 4 year old daughter is just awesome. And there are few things better than hearing my 2 year old son say "DADDY!" when he sees me. But it's just so hard having "this" always be around. It's like a beautiful day at the beach but in the distance there is always a really big rain cloud...You know it's going to come, you just don't know when...and I just find it hard to ignore it...and it impacts every minute of everyday...so while things are good, this sense of unhappiness and gloom is always here...and it's almost impossible not to feel it.
When I quit concentrating on "this" I hardly noticed it was there anymore. To do that I had to concentrate on myself.
I used to get so angry with my A for not applying himself to his program, enough to make a substantial difference in his life and the life of our family.
Problem was that while I was angry with him, I wasn't applying myself to my own program. When I applied myself as much as I expected him to apply himself, my life started to change.
There are plenty of people who live happily in alcoholic marriages whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
It's really an inside job.
You might want to consider taking your questions through the first three steps.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
The powerlessness comes in the form of our being powerless to change another person's mood and/or outlook. To make their recovery easier, etc. The unmanageability can come in the form of wishing things were different, living in a constant state of worry that happy times will be fleeting.
Recognizing those things is the first step to changing my outlook and attitude. For me, it's usually a quick lightbulb moment over my head, where I say to myself "Oh, yeah! God can help me with this. I forgot. Here, God, I ask you to take this."
It gives me some relief from the worry.
Now, it doesn't always go away. And I do still have to do footwork around things... Detachment. Boundaries. Reminding myself that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Have you been to any f2f meetings lately? I find getting in the rooms with other members really refreshes my spirit.
I understand, I have and do travel the same road. I do feel empathy and compasson for my wife when I see the disease is in charge. I now understand and accept I have no control over how she deals with her thoughts and actions. Not that long ago I would allow her moods to effect me and my senerity. I tried to "fix" her mood, and usually wondered what I had done to cause it. With time in the program it became obvious to me that I could do nothing to change how she was feeling. My help (?) usually made matters worse. I found the best thing for me to do was allow her to deal with her disease without any interfrence from me. As it states in theCourage To Change book, in the long run you will both be better off for it. We also have a saying in Alabama, "Everyone has to kill their own snakes". The Courage to Change book made the same point, only with different words. LOL.
What you are doing is right. You are doing what I was told at my first f2f meeting. Always take care of yourself first. Never have a second thought about putting your happiness before her disease.
I am working on this as well, putting myself first and I have found that I can be happy regardless. If my bf uses, I can still tend to myself. I do worry still sometimes, but that is my disease creeping up on me and getting me to forget myself. I have a hard time looking at me, because I have a lot of pain inside. Playing with the kids is a great way to distract the mind from worrying and allow you to realize your own potential and happiness. Most of my days are great now, I work hard and ask HP for help all the time :) When I don't give other people that power over me, to make me "feel" their feelings, I feel better :) Take care of you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Thanks all, this all makes sense but it leaves me with a few thoughts that I am uncomfortable with.
First, to me it feels like the only way I can maintain my happiness that I'm experiencing is to really just live a life separate from my wife. Oftentimes when we do something together she just brings me down, just because she is so down. And this doesn't even factor in the times when she is drinking. Obviously living separate lives is something that I'd like to avoid...
Second, I know that if #1 is true, my wife will just get more and more depressed. I totally understand and respect how I can't control that, but I know that is what will happen. Her depression pushes me away which causes her to get more depressed. Her drinking pushes me away which causes her to want to drink more. Viscious, viscious cycle.
Third, this is the person who our 2 children are spending the majority of their time with.
It takes courage and confidence to reach across that divide between her and you and give her a hug a squeeze a shoulder or neck massage or just a supporting pat on the butt and tell her you love her...put a period right at the end of her and be genuine and then detach again. When I do that with my spouse I am supporting the positive and good feely touchy stuff and not joining her war of the worlds. This has become my present program practice as my "away from home and family" relocated wife hits the wall. It could be anything and I'm not gonna make it worse. She deserves better. Good thread. ((((hugs))))
I like what Jerry said here, and its something I read about when I was discovering body language (that I had been reading body language subconsciously all along and didn't know it, so I had to discover it). Anyway, what I read said, that when we lean in, look the person right in the eye and tell them whole heartedly that we love them, give them a kiss and then a warm hug, and walk away it is so much better than the cold shoulder we give them. It makes us feel good and it melts them a little. It works. I did it with my abf when he was drunk and I was mad... I quit the attitude, I looked him in the eye, told him I loved him, hugged him, we had a moment and then I was able to detach with love and go on with my day... It works when we work it.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I have to agree with Jerry. I had to laugh because that is exactly what I have been doing, without even really realizing what I was doing. It does work. I think it makes them feel a little better and it makes me feel good for letting him know how I feel. I think that my AH struggles with a lot of negativity and depression. He has been told by professionals that he needs to work on his pessimistic attitude. Sometimes I think I really annoy him because I'm usually one of "those" people whose glass is always half full, while my AH is the one where his glass is always half empty. Great share. Peace.
I live around an addict in early recovery whose only retort to everything is what she doesn't have. I agree it can be very very difficult to deal with. What I had to get to was that I was not responsible for her happiness and that I had enough on my plate.
For many addicts early recovery is a hard hard slog. They really have to change everything about their life. Of course people who are healthy don't want to be around a constant stream of negativity the irony is that when they are in denial they can't see that.
I would highly recommend getting the book Getting them Sober. There is much sage advice there about early sobriety.
