I was in chat room and put this in as it helps remind me to kep the focus on me..hope it helps you all...hugs IOna54
An open letter to my Family
I am an alcoholic, I need help. Don't allow me to lie to you and accept it for the truth, for in so doing, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but get at it. Don't let me outsmart you. This only teaches me to avoid responsibility and to lose respect for you at the same time. Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. In so doing you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility. Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. And don't pour out my liquor; you may feel better, but the situation will be worse. Don't accept my promises, This is just my method of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it. Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me. Don't allow your anxiety with for us compel you to do what I must do for myself. Don't cover up or abort the consequences of my drinking. It reduces the crisis but perpetuates the illness. Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness, gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, and to plan for my recovery. I need help from a doctor, a counselor, or a psychologist, another recovered alcoholic, A.A., from God. I cannot help myself. I hate myself, But I love you. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make for us. Please help me, Your Alcoholic
"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."<(*@*)>
I am your family member, lover, friend. I need help.
Don't lie to me because in doing so you only lie to yourself by accepting your lies as truth. I am learning through Alanon to take a stand on behalf of myself as your parent, child, wife, lover or friend. The truth may be painful but get at it. I do not have the power to make anyone "entirely ready" to choose recovery. If you so choose, you will call on your higher power - the god of your understanding for this help.
Don't believe you can outsmart alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will take you hostage, teach you to avoid responsibility and lose respect for yourself while others will lose respect for you at the same time.
Don't try to exploit or take advantage of me because I am learning to focus and take care of myself. I have personal boundaries and dignity and won't be an accomplice to your evasion of responsibility. I am taking responsibility for my part by working the Alanon program one day at a time and embracing a brave new way of living.
Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame or argue whether you are drunk or sober. I am no longer a doormat. I have moved out of the doorway and you cannot step on me anymore. I am detaching with love. "I'll see you after my meeting, I love you."
Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Let's be honest with one another. Neither of us is perfect and I doubt we ever will be. I think that that is ok. I accept you as you are. Can you say the same of me? If we postpone the pain by not working on ourselves, are we happier or just stuck? Wherever I go, there I am. Mostly let's not keep switching agreements. Half measures will avail us nothing. Let's surrender and choose recovery.
Don't lose your temper with me and I won't lose mine with you. We can at least try not to. OK? When I point the finger, there are four more fingers pointing back at myself. Let's communicate lovingly and speak in the same manner we would like to be spoken to.
If one of us grows a little quicker than the other, please let's not let anxiety about this cause us to abandon one another or ourself because of fear nor let it compel us to do for one another what we must do for ourselves. Please let's not tell one another how to work our programs or make threats if there are program slips or relapse. Please let's allow one another the dignity to make our own choices and experience our own consequences.
Please let's each not cause the other to suffer consequences of criticism, shaming, rejection, or abandonment for not being perfect. It's cruel to attempt to reduce a person and perpetuates a crisis to our new found trust in one another and therefore, exacerbates each of our illnesses. Let's be kind to one another.
Above all, let's not run away from reality. We each have our disease and must never forget that. The journey back to ourselves is a worthwhile one. Alcoholism is an illness and it can be arrested but never cured but we can start now to learn, understand and plan for our recovery in AA and Alanon. We may need the help of professionals - a doctor, counselor, or psychologist, another recovering person (a sponsor). But mostly we will need guidance from our higher power to recover and restore our being - to make us whole as individuals and with one another.
We may hate ourselves yet love one another as does our higher power. To do nothing is the worst choice each of us can make for ourself and those we love. Our higher power will show us HOW. Honesty, openness and willingness.
Please ask with me now for help.
We are worth it
Thanks Iona for putting this on the message board. Although I have read it a million times, it is an excellent reminder for us, and putting it on here periodically, reminds us how powerless the A and we are over this disease called alcoholism. To me reading this is like visiting step one.
Thanks again ..gardengal
I have always loved this passage in the 3 Views of Alcoholism phamplet.
I absolutely love TT's response to it, which I have never seen before. Kudos to you TT if you are the author of it.
A great reminder to keep the focus on us.
What a wonderful response as an alanoner. This affirms to me that one day yopu will be our famous writer. :)) Thank you
Wow Iona! That was really cool! I had never read that either...I actually put off reading this cause I was "afraid" that thre would be something in there that might be hurtful. That was just me being me. I guess I am still hurting from the things my son did. Sometimes I hate the way people look at me....like they know. The truth is they probably don't know me or anything about me. It's just the odd reality I get stuck in. Thanks....