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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Going through my one day at a time in al anon book - I came across an entry that talks about blame and resentment. I will not post the entry here because I see that would be copyright infringement, but I would like to discuss it.
My alcoholic boyfriend likes to blame EVERYTHING on me......everything and anything he can think of, and it really brings me down, very down... and eventually leads to further resentment of him... I have a full bubbling boiling pot or resentment deep in me that poisons me and makes me angry, that leads to me being sad again because I hate being angry and resentful and bitter, which leads to negative thought after negative thought......it's a muck of anger and pain and hopelessness that is cyclic and doesn't go away.
This entry says do not accept the blame, but do not defend the blame either. In fact, it says rather than be angry and resentful at the alcohol, you should feel compassion for them because they are feeling so guilty themselves and they feel the need to load it all on someone else. Plus defending it will just turn it into an awful argument.
I would have to say my compassion for him is dwindling right now, dealing with his behavior the past few years and the built up resentment make it hard for me to do what it talks about in this entry.
I totally agree that when I try to defend myself, it just turns into a full blown argument and gets nowhere. Although I think I have the right to defend myself though when someone is putting me down....
BUT I am going to try to apply some of these ideas....I am so tired of the arguing....and what it does to me....I hope that my higher power can give me the strength someday to know that what he is doing is HIS, not mine, I am working on my shortcomings in the program and in other ways...I need to not let him get to me....
I would like to share from my own experience that blaming shifting is something A's are good at. My A is a pro at it; if he could get paid for this skill he would be a millionaire.
I have learned that they are hurting so much so they put the blame on someone else because it makes them feel a little better.
It's HARD to understand A's. But now that I have been coming here I see that many of them are sooo much alike with their "weird" behaviors.
It's hard to find compassion for them. But I am starting to understand this more. I know I need to separate my A from his disease all the time. I ask myself is this the disease talking or is it really him and often times it's the disease.
I would suggest you google or read books about alcoholism. My sponsor gave me the big AA book. I have almost read it twice; it really helps to see what they are going through.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I struggle with that too. My AHSober treats me poorly. They are so good at blaming and supporting their stance that it is hard to see through it. I know he didn't have a easy life growing up and he is now replicating some of the ill behavior that his father did. It still hurts because so much just isn't true. He would criticize my driving in the winter. One day it dawned on me that the only time we had slid off the road was when he was driving. I told him of course. He think that it took him aback that I had figured out his game.
Oh well, we can only work on ourselves so we can get better and better at detaching from them.
My A is an amazing blameshifter. He's so good at it, you can walk away from a conversation utterly confused...well, mainly because he just called me crazy or something, but the beauty of going through this turmoil and coming to terms with it is NOW I KNOW what's happening.
I've become hypersensitive to the blame shift. It's interesting because before, half the time, I didn't even know it happened until it was too late. Our arguments started one way, and ended up 10 streets over....I laugh about it now, but it's because I can. I FINALLY got some help and saw what was happening.
My A hates to feel cornered or blamed for anything, and he would immediately go to my faults, but I didn't help the situation. I escallated it.
Now, if something bothers me, I've changed my reaction. First, I don't react immediately if something bothers me. I let is sit and if it's something I feel wronged about, I will then figure out how I want to approach it. THIS is not easy and I'm still learning.
So when something bothers me now, if it's worth it for me, I will tell my A how an action made me "feel" and I try very hard not to say... YOU MADE ME FEEL, I just say "I felt insecure when I tried to hang the curtain, and you yelled" or whatever the situation is. Now, at first, he still would immediately shift the blame, but I would walk away and say, "It's just how I feel, you can't tell me my feelings are not valid" and then NOT get into it any further. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say.
As far as the driving....let it be. There is nothing you can do. He has to learn on his own. My AH was adamant that the static on our phone line was the "cable" providers fault. I KNEW it had nothing to do with our cable, but he has to figure this stuff out on his own. He got the cable company out to our house and they basically said, the phone isn't their issue as they have no phone contract with us. He had to learn this on his own. He's never owned up to it or take the blame, but it puts the alcoholic back into the responsible position for their own actions and consequences.
Ugh, I remember that so well. So much blame and shame. TONS of it and foisted on ME! LOL! Its absurd, really. No one person could be the source of ALL THINGS HORRIBLE. But yep, that was me.
Its so sick. They are so so sick. When they are in that mode, dishing all that blame onto you, this is what I would do: shrink them down so that they are around a foot tall, in my mind. I would enclose them in a glass case, in my mind. There were lots and lots of techniques I would use. Anything to not listen or shift my focus.
All that blaming is the disease talkin'. All those abusive words are them talkin' TO THEMSELVES. You are their mirror.
Its hard to let it slide off your back like water off a duck but that is what we gotta do because if we eat that garbage, we get really ill. This is why we need this program. Its waterproofing! hugs, J.
