I came- I came to-I came to be
We are seperated too, JaneG, it was a boundary that I set for myself back in February. We still see quite a bit of each other and he helps me out with my daughter from time to time, because I'm in a college course this summer and I needed someone to take her to her Band Concert she had the first night of my night course, things like that. So he does do some things that are redeeming, in his attitude and then it's right back to the "stinkin thinkin".One of the biggest things that made sense for me was the seventh thing on the list of dry drunk symptoms: irrational rationalization. My husband does not work a regular job (one of the main reasons i asked him to leave) he buys, sells, swaps, trades anything in order to make a dime. This does not support him, he's behind on all his bills and he is living on his parents 10 acres in the country in a trailer house. He "rationalizes" that he has a job because he is "working" and he is a very hard worker at what he does, but he is behind on all his bills and just the other day asked me to pay some of them. I refused. It blows my mind that he thinks he is "working" it is so irrational.
I go to as many f2f meetings as I can get myself to, with taking care of an 86 year old mom and a 11 year old daughter. Sometimes it is two a week, sometimes just one. Recently I started a college class this summer to work on me and keep the focus on me. It makes me feel really good to do that.
I am sad that he continues to find excuses for his unacceptable behavior, but that is HIS problem. His insecurity just reared it's ugly head this morning when he couldn't get me on the house phone (I have dial-up service for my computer) and called me on the cell phone and wanted to know if I was on the computer with my al-anon friends. I said yes and he accused me of having a boyfriend and wanted to know what my nickname was, I guess so he could go on line and read what I wrote about him! He is so insecure! I would never do on-line dating, even if I were single, don't trust it. I just told him that it was a support group for me and that he didn't need to know about everything that I do, just that I wasn't doing what he had suggested. I know I am trying to rationalize with a irrational person, so I wasted my breath on that.
Back to working on me and Keeping the Focus on myself. Going to al-anon meetings here at MIP and posting on this board. Thanks MIP family.
I have found that dealing with a dry drunk can be a lot more painful/worse than dealing with an active A. At least in my case, I knew what to expect when they were using, dry - was just SO much anger to contend with.
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"Focus on the whats, and not the whys, as the whys will eat us up"
The ex A showed many of these signs when I met him. I believe he stayed "dry" for a while then. Obviously when I saw the red flags I should have got out.I am used to being around people who are irrational and moody because that is what I grew up with. Detachment has really saved me. The other tool I use all the time is to be incredibly busy and focused on my own life. I've been there with trying to get an ex A to cooperate, it was like trying to herd ducks. You have my empathy.Maresie.
Yeah my husband stopped drinking for 3 yrs. He got in to an argument with my son that I know he is on something too. But AH said nothing changed when I stopped drinking at home. its because he did not change. He was white knuckling it. DRY DRUNK He would aks me when he had the craving He really needed that drink I just said do what you want . You know what I feel about it then he says i'm controling him. Last time he was drinking 3 yrs ago I told him I was going to get a divorce. So he went back to the bottle( beer) I went to a lawyer to see how much I needed to start. I'm sticking to my boundrys. Now I'm saving $$$.
I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
One thing I would recommend is getting a book that I heard suggested on MIP and that is "Getting them Sober". I am married to a dry drunk as well and this book is helping me keep my sanity as well as the meetings. When I first picked it up I started reading it with the thought that I am not living with someone who has quit drinking. I just kept reading it with the mindset that he is still drinking because when they are "dry" without recovery their behaviors are basically the same if not worse. I have learned to live my life as if he were not in it. Spend the time with the kids that I want to, have fun without depending on him to help me have fun, learn how to react to his "stuff", and continue to attend meetings and work on my recovery. I have found the independence and self worth that I never thought I could have. I thought I would have to leave him to get all of that which eventually might still happen, but for now, today, life is good.... For me!
Well I'm confused still about a dry drunk my ah sober husband 5 months is still doing step 4/5 on me now that he knows about him. I just accepted al alon and givine up myself to my higher up. My problem is . I'm eager to learn and get better but unable to because of ah wont let me. Wants to teach me his program . I can't get better if the problem is still in my face daily and trying to be in my head. I went to several al alon meetings and left not feeling any better. Then I found one.. And was accepted in the group right away. I went home with a strong positive firm attitude that his behavior was not accepted. He needs to stop and stay on his side of the street. I made my boundarys and presented them to him. He accepted those until he went to work and talked to his ppl about my boundarys . This is what it's come down to now aa / against al alon . Battle of the strong. Recently I had to make change to detach from him all together left me no choice . He won't let me get better the al alon way . Want me to get better his way and I can't do that. So this is what I struggle with everyday. And do everything to advoid the fight. My defenses are up all the time trust has been gone . Any advise please would help me