The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope you don't mind, Lou, I need to borrow your title, it really fits my topic.
I'm coming to see I've always had a problem with being a grown up myself.
Seven years ago last spring I met my A in southern California. I had been in therapy for two years at that point. The previous summer, my best girlfriend passed away from breast cancer, and I had been living with her during her illness and took care of her through hospice and her death. It was a horrible illness but she died suddenly during a peaceful nap. It was a shock and a blessing for her to go the way she did. I'd planned to haul her to Starbucks for a coffee that evening.
The next several months I worked hard in therapy, and lost a lot of weight which I've managed to keep off until this day (more or less :D) . But I was terrified all the time. The outside world loomed and threatened, and I couldn't talk about it even with the therapist. Or myself. It just sat in my chest like a stone. I worked like a fiend (as an RN), but there was this choking sense of fear all the time. I hid out in my room a lot in my fantasy world. My kids were teens at the time and went nuts acting out, my daughter especially being defiant, using drugs and drinking, me calling the cops to report her as a runaway. Her fifteen year old BF "stole" my car and drove it all over town with the parking break on, for instance. She was miserable, we all were, and I knew it but could not talk about it with the therapist or even myself.
I was hiding out, big time.
I met my A in March, and fell for him like a ton of bricks. He worked on my same unit at the hospital. I pursued him with a singlemindedness of a drowning person trying to get a grip on a life preserver. He was not as "sure" as I was, but within three months of dating, we were living together.
I had serious financial issues of my own making that he helped me deal with. He was not in the least kind about it, but I did get everything back on track in a shortish period of time. He was very angry with me that I'd let such matters get so out of whack, and my kids were wild. Several times those first months he told me he wished he'd never taken up with me, it was too much of a mess, it was screwing with his mind. His disgust with me was enormous, but so was mine. I rallied to show him I was not this irresponsible, ineffective single mom letting her kids run the show. I kept the house clean, cooked, served him his plate, and deferred to him.
I thought perhaps the reason he refused to "communicate" with me as an equal was because he was a man, so I read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. He was very religious, and I seriously studied his faith. When he "punished" me by refusing to have sex with me, or speak to me, or critisized me with such disgust, I accepted it as something I needed to learn. After all I did create my problems, who wouldn't be disgusted by someone who got behind on her property taxes?? Who let her children run berserk? Who put off house repairs? Who had too many dogs? And cats? He'd lock me out of the bedroom and when I knocked on the door or called him he wouldn't answer. I got "fed up" and asked him to leave once . . . a likely moment of sanity! But the next morning, he lay his head in my lap and apologized profusely, admitting he'd been a jerk, he was just scared too, it's hard to take on a single mom and her kids but we'd make it somehow.
I was in the car at the time on my way to work , while he crawled in my lap, all six foot four of him (I'm five feet tall). It took me a few minutes to cave in. But I did, gratefully, ever so gratefully.
It was true, my life was in "shambles". I took my beloved Keeshonds to a rescue. The A made short work of most of my cats. This is very, very painful to admit. He literally dumped some of them off without telling us. We (the kids and I) *knew* what he did. And stayed silent. He went through the house removing most of the stuff my girlfriend who'd died had left me . . . lots of little East Indian statues, her crystal rock collection, her books . . . he said they were "idols" and New Age which was evil of course, and I let him. My daughter was (and always has been, bless her heart) crafty and went around gathering some stuff and hiding it . So I still have a few of her things, her journals, some books, a few interesting little trinkets.
For what it's worth, within a year I was stronger and a lot less "submissive". I got a job as a nurse manager at a local chemical dependency hospital. I basically ran the day to day operations, over saw the treatment protocol, hired and fired, wrote performance evals, counseled. I LOVED that job. I loved being a "nurse" for the staff, and really truly loved working with the patients. My confidence grew. I was actually good at this job. People treated me with respect and deference, for the first time in my life (so I felt at the time). I got tons of kudos from lots of people. I was a "natural", I suppose.
At home, it was a different story altogether. The A didn't like my job much as it was demanding of my time, and I was on call 24/7. I was super busy but very satisfied, and was really "into" the treatment, and wanted to talk about it but I learned quickly my A was not a person with whom I shared. In retrospect it was true that I shared very, very little about my life with him. What was the point? He'd interrupt, change the subject, leave the room, or bring up something I'd done that he didn't like. Around this time he began calling me names. "Big Dummy", "borderline personality", and I believe this is when he began to threaten to knock my head off. We went for a two week vacation to see my family in Washington State and he'd threatened to hit me while we were packing, a casual but angry little statement. I told him if he spoke to me like that in front of my family THEY would knock his block off and I'd help.
In July of 2004 the A relapsed for a short time on methamphetamine. I was humiliated, here I was a more or less public figure. My A's insurance would have him get treatment at MY facility, no less. No keeping this a secret. I negotiated with our insurance to have him go elsewhere, which meant telling just about everyone I worked with. I refused to allow him to come back home until he did sober living. I shed him like an old skin. I felt alive and free for the first time in a long time. I joined Alanon. I was also drinking every night as well, and joined AA too. I have not had a mind altering chemical since. I worked day in and out with addicts, and I saw what happened with terrifying clarity. That was enough for me to get it, thank HP.
Over the next two years there were times of progress, but mostly not. The A began "marijuana maintinence" rather quickly after he moved back home, and frankly, when he was high he was so much easier to tolerate. My kids scattered into the four winds. He felt contemptuous of them and they knew it. We fought, and fought, and screamed and yelled at each other. I did not admit this to anyone, could not speak about it at Alanon, at AA. My friends were basically "dropped" a long time before, and I was supposed to be this "Boss" person at work.
Finally, even the "good" stuff started breaking down. I was not nearly as functional at work anymore. My boss and I were having issues with each other. He was planning to demote me and hire someone to oversee the treatment end and place me back on just the nursing end. It was humiliating, but I seriously could not do it all. I was having breakdowns where I couldn't get out of bed. The A began to encourage me to quit . . . actively, daily. He wanted to move out of southern CA, go to the country, get a little cabin and lots of land where he could shoot his guns and not live in The People's Republic of California any longer. Every morning he got on the computer and looked at real estate in South Dakota, Montana, Idaho, New Mexico and then spent an hour or so following me around and hammering me about selling the house (which was mine) and blowing out of there.
What with my boss wanting to demote me, feeling like I could do nothing right at work anymore, I finally agreed. I quit my job precipitously, like I wrote a letter and said "Bye". Within two months, we were in Idaho, living like gypsies in a box truck. My house in California sold, most of the household stuff sold or donated, my kids somewhere.
In the first year, the A and I sat in the frontroom of the "little cabin" I'm in now, for the first time in years in each other's faces 24/7. It was not pretty. Winter came . . . three feet of snow from November to April, below zero temps. I am not a snow bunny, ha ha, nor did I relish driving on six inches of ice the 10 miles to the little store, the only one within 30 miles. We lived on a mountain, basically, up an 8 mile switchback grade that ascended almost 3000 feet.
I was terrified of the "locals" . . . scary looking bearded men who said 'nig**r' like they said 'water', their submissive little wives sipping vodka in their coffee cups and staying home. My A was, of the two of us, the extraverted one. He went out and met everyone in the town (not hard at all :D), and had quite a following of new friends. If anything, how he related to me got worse. He enjoyed ordering me to cook him breakfast when a couple of these mountain men were sitting with him, chatting it up in front of the fire. "Get me a beer", "clean up this mess, Jesus!".
"Get off your dead ass and do something!" was a litany in those days.
He began to watch a lot of pornography (we had no TV reception) and sex became something that vaguely made me sick. We had a great sex life prior. I started sleeping on the couch. I told him I felt like he just wanted to get off, and told him he knew what to do, I wasn't his wad of toilet paper.
We both knew we were in serious trouble but never talked about it except to scream and yell and accuse and verbally abuse each other. I wrote a lot in my journal. One afternoon, we were arguing and he picked up my journal as if to read it. I told him to put it down. When he didn't and began riffling through the pages, I told him he'd be sorry. Of course he found an entry where I wrote I wanted to leave this freezing, crazy hell hole on the edge of the Known World and leave him too. He snapped the journal shut and refused to speak to me for days. Within a short time, he relapsed on meth, and like Paul Harvey says, "Now you know the rest of the story."
My saving grace was a cardboard box of two week old chicks from the feed store. When the snow melted and the sun came out, the entire summer was spent building barns, coops, fencing the property all around, digging water and power lines. The A hired a few "local boys" who were well known druggies and so unbeknownst to us, the sheriffs began to watch us, note who came over, who left, who parked out on the road. The A went to the bar every night and I accumulated more livestock. I was still sleeping on the couch. I'd never seen my A drunk before, and I'm sure this relationship would have been over years before if I had. He was mean, threatening, cruel, and just plain nasty. He'd buy a bunch of booze and weed and pills and entertain until the small hours of the morning. There were post adolescent boys everywhere, sleeping on the deck, coming and going at all hours. I huddled down with my goslings Petey and Lila, got some goats to milk and then the A began binging, disappearing for two weeks every month or so, up until I joined MIP in February of this year.
Another winter. I lived upstairs in the loft. I rarely came down. I bought food to keep upstairs, it was cold enough I didn't need a refrigerator :D . I had my laptop, craft materials, and of course all the livestock. I did not take a single look at the bank accounts. I would contemplate it, after the A promised he'd not spent "that much" on his last binge, but I would get chest tightness and shake when I logged onto the online banking. So I stopped trying. I stopped "going there" in my head. I did spent two months accumulating an enormous store of "stuff" I thought I would need when the money ran out, and thank god I did.
At this time I began to comtemplate if I could live up here and do this on my own. Could I?? I learned to unfreeze the well when it froze, jump my car battery when it froze, drive mountain roads covered with ice and snow. And I loved the livestock and the "farm life" so much. I decided I wasn't going anywhere, this crazy freezing hell hole full of racists and gun wackos was my home . I shared what was going on with a few acquaintances, who sympathized. And I began planning and hoping for the day the A would be gone. There was no relationship anymore. I'd joined MIP and found a single Alanon meeting with variable attendance 30 miles away.
The A did "leave" for a while, stayed with an AA couple up here and went to meetings. But he no longer could shake the severe paranoia of using meth, and sabotaged that. I put a lock on the front gate and changed the house locks to keep him out, which didn't really work. His hollering and yelling through the windows was embarassing, the neighbors had already called the sheriffs for "screaming" they heard over here. I threatened to rat him out to the sheriffs and that's when he threatened to bash my skull in with a claw hammer. "If you EVER call the cops on me . . ." . I'd called them 'on him' in California, and their response was "does he live here? Are you married? He lives here, we can't do anything. You have to evict him." I figured I'd get the same "help" up here too, so I did not call. He's on the house deed, which I figured was even more reason for them to tell me I was just stuck with him. The cops in California were kinda contemptuous . . . I took it to mean they looked down on me for having a meth addict boyfriend, as they called him. I figured up here they'd think the same. I thought the same! I stayed with this moral sinkhole, what did I expect? I was getting what I deserved, abandoning my kids down in California, selling my house and moving up here against my better judgement.
I honestly felt NO ONE would have any sympathy or concern for me, and so I just stayed home and took care of the farm. I brought this all on myself. I was stupid, reckless, a pansy, a punching bag, a terrible mother and an ageing woman who smelled a lot like a goat. I gained weight and so I added "fat" to this list. I stopped emailing or phoning family and friends. What could I say? Oh, the A is out tweaking in Lewiston, yeah, he'll be back in a couple of weeks though. Oh, we're just fine . . . love the weather!
MIP is not an Alanon meeting but it did save my life back in February. I was so desperate I just picked up the tools and used them without thinking about anything else. I threw myself into the program. The A was busted with methamphetamine in his sock in April, then in June came the sheriff (he's my neighbor two properties down) to inform me the A had been tazed and taken into custody in Lewiston. I remember I was holding two goat baby bottles and the babies were getting muddy footprints on the sheriff's pants. I told him "Good, I'm glad they finally caught him" and invited him and the narcotics guy and the lead sheriff into my house where they spent until 1:30 am 'tossing' all our belongings, confiscating the A's entire gun collection and one of my good dinner plates full of marijuana, a used syringe and a glass pipe.
I have not spoken to the A since before he left on this last binge except to tell him he was NOT taking the stack of plywood on the farm truck and to leave it where it was. Literally. Oh, and I said "No you aren't" when he attempted to take the car from me at the gas station :D .
So here I am, and you know what, I feel just like I did when I met the A, or rather, chased him down and "caught" him. I am terrified of "the outside world" again, and literally in a financial mess that won't resolve for years probably. The A was my connection to the outside world, he has no fear whatsoever in asking for and getting what he needs. This was his function in our relationship, and it is why I had to have him in the first place.
In the last month or so, the initial blessed relief of just having him gone is over. I am faced with myself . . . the same self seven years ago that deliberately "blundered" my way into relationship with the A, with the same fears, the same failures, the same chest tightness and panic knowing I need help but too terrified (of what??) to ask for it. I tell myself terrible things, like no one could do anything anyway, this is YOUR problem, you got yourself here.
I really didn't intend to make this "my story" but that's how it comes out. There is a full circle that just ended, an "episode" that is over and I'm in the exact same spot I was seven years ago in the wake of my friend's death and feeling so absolutely alone and responsible for all the crap I was doing to myself.
I do not have a sponsor, and I desperately need to begin working with one. So far I have not met a "real time" person who "has what I want". Nice folks, good folks. Alanon is not strong up here, I've been to some serious meetings with serious recovery in the past, so with compassion I can say this.
I guess it's time to grow up MYSELF. Begin taking care of myself, putting myself out there, and give up hiding in this little prison of my own making. I really need your prayers here, I really need your help. I am getting your help every day when I sign on, and this board has become my most important lifeline to my recovery, and the first effort I've made to get out of this pit, to break free of the past and move on.
Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far. You all are so important to me, even you who've just arrived. I *KNOW* how you feel, it hasn't been long since I lived in that sorry hell with an active addict/alcoholic. Without him, though, there is a hell of my own to deal with, and I gratefully and humbly lay it down here in this special place. It is not a big nasty mess . . . this is my life.
Thanks so much for that Kim - that kind of honesty is what we are here for, both to hear it, and to say it.
So there you are - laid yourself bare, told most (all?) of your dirty little secrets. And you will not be rejected. Nobody is going to say "Get out of here, we always knew there was something wrong with you...." Hell, yeah, there's something wrong with you, but it's the same thing that is wrong with the rest of us. And it can be fixed.
It's being fixed already. Would the 'same old you' of five years ago have been able to write that? You are better, and stronger, than you were, and you've only just started. Of course you're scared - it's scary. If you weren't scared it would mean that you weren't really being honest, not really putting anything of yourself that matters out there.
I remember sitting at a meeting once going on about what a coward I am (and I am, I talk big, but show me a confrontation and I'm a'runnin'). And someone said "Just being here, and saying that, is harder and requires more courage than most people ever use in their lives". And it's true. All those normal healthy people out there that we compare ourselves to have their dirty little secrets too, and their fears, and their insecurities. If they really ARE heatlhier than we are (which most of them are not, I suspect) it is because they have learned to admit their faults, and get help when they need it. You can do that too, WE can do that too.
You'll be getting a lot of hugs, I think, so I'll just say what I seem to remember saying back in February - "Welcome, you're in the right place".
Thank you Kim, for taking the time to tell this story. After finishing it, I feel I know you as one sister knows another. Your articulate, moving post sounds very grown up to me. I cannot find the words to advise, suggest, or even comment on the events you have lived through over the years but I know you have your sense of humor intact, and that is a mighty big asset in times of adversity. And I gripe about a damned chair! Sheeesh.
I am glad you are with us here on MIP, send you warmest regards, and hope that you will find your way to true peace and serenity. Keep on keepin' on as the saying goes. I know you'll be fine. Give all the animals special hugs from Auntie Diva.
-- Edited by Diva at 15:58, 2007-08-25
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You mentioned that you were right back where you started. That's a pretty lucky thing in my mind. You could have been waaaaaaay further back then you are. You had enough fortitude to not allow the A to drag you down his path. You hopped off the merry-go-round and took control. Life is nothing more then a journey that we carve out making it our reality . You can make the rest of the journey turn in to anything you want. "BE the person you dream of being"
love, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I found your post - the honesty and willingness to tell it like it is - quite captivating and sad. I am sooo glad you felt like you could share your story.
What a relief it is to get it all out in the open. My sponsor told me to do that as part of my Step 4 work, and I was a bit apprehensive to do so. But as I got it out, especially the stuff from my childhood, it made me take a real good look at it and face it for what it was. It also helped me to see that nothing was my fault as a child, it was just how it was for me. It wasn't a "secret" anymore.
You have no idea how close to home your story will hit for some of the people on this board. I cried for you and for me when I finished reading your story. I know all too well the feeling of being terrified of the outside world. The fear of not being strong enough, or good enough to face life on my own is sometimes overwhelming. The feeling that somehow I just don't deserve to succeed because I am somehow defective, different than the rest of the world, can be paralizing.
These are the most insidious symptoms of this disease. Thank my HP for this program and all of you people. Without Alanon I would not be able to see these lies that I feel inside my bones, for what they really are.
It is hard work, but we can do this. As Diva says, keep on keeping on.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Kim, What a post! Thank you for sharing it. All I can say is how much I understand and how incredibly strong you are for having gotten to where you are. Yes, part of you may be back where you started, but the part of you that survived the years of your A sure has waded in the water if you know what I mean and that part cannot be the same as you were before.
I struggle with the same issue though, so my words are for me as much as for you. Just months before I met my A, I had gotten my life on track after the destruction of my 15 year marriage. I had already been to hell and back (so I thought...that was nothing! lol) and had aged 100 years from the stress....... but I had I put my self together, made a happy home for me and my two little daughters, went back to work as a NP and was happy. Then I invited a train wreck into my life and the next year and a half were spent with lots of extreme swings and yelling and fighting and verbal abuse and threats of violence that I never told anyone about. Ahhh, the romance.
Anyway, I feel like I am back where I started too.....just putting my life back on track......trying to heal from the damage, trying to learn about ME. MIP was a life saver for me too. I am so glad we are all here. I am so glad we are all healing.
Wow . . . I was a little nervous about coming back to read any responses :D . OK I was pretty nervous. I know I felt a huge relief after writing it, it just sort of "came out".
Lin: The "me" five years ago would not have been able to put it into words in an honest way at all. The "me" five months ago couldn't have either. It's all of us laying ourselves "bare" that is giving me the courage to be honest. And what a good feeling it is. Holding this stuff inside, which I have done my whole life, has made the walls of the prison, so to speak.
Diva: I'd do just about anything to be grrrrrr about a lounge chair right now! The truth is, it is always, always so much more than "the lounge chair" and we in this room all know that :D. I think you would LOVE my geese and get along with them well. They are completely straightforwardly THEMSELVES. Which is why they are about my favorite critters around here. What you said about knowing me like a sister is SO touching . . . thank you.
Christy: you always turn it around to the good for me. Oh yes, I'm no starry eyed youngling after this. I get the feeling, now and then, that this awful experience has gold in it's center, and can be what breaks down my stubborn, terrified self in order to free me :) .
Kathi: It DOES feel good to come out with it. Like I said before it started out as one thing and became much more. I've worked Step 4 in the past, and each time I revisit this step, which has been in the program, in therapy, with close friends, I can let the crap GO. I can humbly ask God to remove my character defects. Putting them in words like this I can see most of them for what they are, impediments to potential and a good, peaceful, productive life. Lord knows my childhood taught me to be exactly what I am, and what I see now is stuff that "has no words", it must be OLD, from when I was very tiny. The fear, the fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, so I think it's from back then. If it is the fear of a tiny child, I can comfort her and nurture her and lead her out into life, with all of you and God to help out.
Jen: My A and I were a perfect match. Yes he is not a nice person, sober or not. But we fit together so well . . . he still lives in my head like an echo I hear now and then. Our relationship started out on the PREMISE that I was defective and he was the Captain. I gave myself to him and let him do his angry thing and believed his every word, for a while anyway. And, it touches me deeply that you shed tears after reading. Wow. In my heart, there is still that angry, angry voice that tells me I brought this on myself, I stayed when I should have left, moved when I should have stayed. Honestly, I knew better and resisted moving out to the boonies for years, I didn't trust him or take his desires seriously, and now I know why my instincts were aflame.
I know intellectually that I am no different than anyone else in terms of being competent to live a decent life, to interface with "the World". I hope soon this becomes a heartfelt sense of being, very very soon.
Fifi: Yup, I follow your story with particular interest :D and when you post I read and reread because it hits home SO MUCH. I'm so glad "it's" over for you, even though there are so many peices to pick up. So much shame and regret and yes those grey hairs and lines. I was myself getting my life on track, really getting into my job at the time and working hard in therapy when I met my A and began pursuing him. Calling it "dating" doesn't cut the mustard either, I had to have him. Writing out what went on inside me when I took off after him, and abandoned such a promising new beginning in my life, is clear. Sad, too. So much for our rendition of romance. I think I'll avoid The Love Boat for a while until I trust myself not to fall for the demon lover :)
Wow Kim, this brought me to tears and back. You have been thru so much with the A. I cannot help but say I am so glad he is not there anymore. However I must tell you, it makes me afraid for you also. Though from my experience, the people who have aism are very insecure and basically chicken. Lotsa big talk.
Kim you are amazing. Showing your strengths and weaknesses is so brave and also will help others in ways you will never know. There are people out there who are so ashamed of what they put up with they cannot heal. When others share, it helps these ones to come out and have a chance at healing.
I very much relate. MIP saved me too. That being the skills and the sisters and brothers we have here.
I feel so humbled having you as my friend. love,debilyn
Your honesty was touching, and I hope that by writing down and sharing your secrets, you are one great big step closer to healing. I will gladly put you in my prayers. As lucky as you feel to be on this board, we are equally lucky to have you here. You provide wisdom, encouragement and unconditional love daily in your posts. You are precious to us too.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think everyone has some parts grown up and some parts yet to grow up. I only know grown ups who can do all that you do or have done from nursing to animal care and so much more!!
I too have a lot of growning up to do in many areas so I can relate to that. I think it is interesting what I've heard about A's. When someone says their A was acting like a teenager, when asked when did they start drinking it would be as a teenager so they stopped some areas of growing up when they started drinking. I find my kids stopped growing up in some areas or missed normal oppportunities at the ages when they were affected/aware of the A's disease.
Glad you shared, I see great strength in all you have done and now will see that as you journey forward - I am glad you are here and we are all working together to heal and recover. hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
wow Kim what courage it takes to be honest. I ran full kilter into the A 7 years ago. I neededh im desperately and he was willing to bring me in. Of course early early very early on there were red flags but I was not willing to see them by any means.
7 years on, practically bankrupt I am crawling out of there. I have three critters to take care of in a tiny space. The A still has one. He's obsessive about his dog, not obsessive enough to take real care of her but not yet ready to give her up.
I can relate to letting an A control me. I have done that so many times. I have always looked to others to help me out. Now I simply ask for help. I'm super honest with most people about where I am coming from. I have no illusions it will also take me years to recover financial but I will recover.
I'm glad you have this room. I am glad you are willing to share. This weekend was really hard for me physically and emotionally. I have not lived with the A now for months and have not seen him phsyically for a week or more and it is hard to let go. I can do no more about the mess he has made of so much.
The A I've been with wants to run so much. The last time I spoke to him he spoke about moving states away. He wants to do anything but deal with his mess. I know that.
I am so glad to have you to accompany me on this very diffiuclt journey of being willing to look at myself, my charactor defects and hwo I operate in the world. I live, eat sleep fear but I also know I can accomplish so much. I am stronger than I would let myself belive.
Thanks for sharing this story, it could be my story, maybe someday I'll have it in me to lay it all out. I like this because it doesn't just tell the now, it tells the before and leading up to and during. I have only posted about since I left, which as we ALL know is just one little straw that finally broke the camel's back!
, while he crawled in my lap, all six foot four of him (I'm five feet tall). It took me a few minutes to cave in. But I did, gratefully, ever so gratefully.
. So I still have a few of her things, her journals, some books, a few interesting little trinkets.
