The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last week has been one of those where I struggle to keep my thoughts from spiralling into focus upon my AH. Unless I keep up this effort to keep myself apart from his insanity, I end up very depressed. I end up missing out on so much good, even great, when my thoughts are consumed with the A. I mean, he's screwing up pretty badly, it isn't a matter of interpretation.
When he came home after his latest escapades, he followed me around the house actually crying, begging for me to talk to him. I refused at first, he persisted, and I allowed it (meaning, I opened my lips and allowed the words to come out of my own face). If anything, I got out of it that he still thinks everything is just fine, and he would stop using drugs if I would be a wife to him again. I told him we are NOT fine at all, in fact we are in big, big trouble financially and relationally, and I won't "be a wife" to him period until he gets some help.
OK, alright, nothing new. He's aware of the legal action I'm taking against him, and he blinks a couple of times and like magic, it's gone. Though he is not violent physically, I have grounds for a restraining order, which would cause him untold shame in this small town. It would be a stretch, but if it comes to that, I'll do it.
Enough. Now, I took a huge hit two weeks ago on the farm front, losing my best milking goat (besides being the sweetest little thing), another milking goat, and have four orphan goat kidlets I'm buying store milk for. I had my typical plans for cheese, icecream, feeding a couple of hogs, maybe soap. This is lost income, big time. It's like losing a good job. I'm still grieving this one actively. In case I didn't say this before, it's like the old days when a swarm of locusts cuts your crops to the ground. It's all over and done with before you can say BOO.
So where am I? I am getting up out of bed, and doing what needs done. I've got my hip waders on because I'm up to it in my own crap. Nothing like an insane AH and a couple of dead goats (RIP sweeties) to really get you down.
But it's working . . . the steps, the wisdom on this board and in the literature and meetings I get to seldomly. I've suffered depression most of my adult life, been off but mostly on this or that antidepressant. But not until this particular "episode" in my life has the fruits of working the program been so available. No, I don't feel like skipping in joy. But I still can FEEL joy, in places I did not feel joy before. Little things. Like being clear and peaceful enough to walk the property in the rain and feel really satisfied watching the geese pig out on a bunch of clover I planted two years ago. They are constantly talking to me or each other, and don't stop when their bills are stuffed full, so yesterday I was laughing at them helplessly, the sounds they made were so funny. Afterward, I realized I hadn't belly laughed for so long I actually felt "high", and my cheeks hurt a little!
It's hard to be depressed when you have to cut your walk short and run to the potty from laughing too hard! My mood has been lighter, and though I sometimes slog through, I remember when all I did was sit there, frozen. Slogging through is an improvement, too.
Just had to share how the program is working for me!
Too cute. Your analogize crack me up girlie. I needed that laugh. I wish I could see you on your farm. It sounds really cute. I think I would be having so much fun with the animals I wouldn't even realized I had a husband. lol I'm glad things are working for you. You sound happy. :)~
oh Kim I am so sad about your set back. Farming and living off how you live is hard. My gpa and gma lost everything in the depression.
do you have a craigslist for your area? I see dairy goats all the time for not a whole lot of money. Possibly contact and trade the wonderful things you make from the milk.
Can't you get a goat milk replacer from the feed store!!?? So much cheaper, you are buying goats milk aren't you?
Hey the money you spend on the milk you could be buying a couple dairy goats who maybe could nurse your kids.
I know the hearing your own laugh as a stranger. Glad you laughed! Your way of life is very serious. Is a major undertaking. Will you garden and can everything? Do you have a food dryer?
Hp really does come thru. When i put my life in my hp's hands, everything changed. honestly believe everything will be ok no matter what.
I sure relate to your not being willing to be a wife to a disease. It is not the man you love anyway. Can get so confusing.
Kim I know how hard you must work. If I had to think that what I do is how I survive and my kids too, I doubt I would enjoy it.
That is how come surrendering to hp has made such a change for me. I put up gates, build everything, fix everything. Sometimes i am so tired I cry and wonder how in the world AH can stand himself abandoning me, our home and animal family. His guilt must be so BIG.
I am glad you keep us updated. you can email me private anytime.
Wish I could drive over in my pickup and surprise you with a few milk goats...sigh.
Just read your post today (6/1/07) and wanted to say that where you are - I guess your farm, sounds so incredibly peaceful. I hope you continue to find serenity there every day and find those little chances to laugh outloud hysterically. It is good for you. :)
