quote: Kis, thank you so much!  You, along with others here make me feel that I can do this!  I can't express how you make me feel, except that I appreciate your words.  They teared me up and made me laugh!  Thanks

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Originally posted by: kismetstrand
"Hi jna! So glad you are here!  I can look back at when I first started Alanon and the struggle I had in understanding Boundaries and Detachment with Love.  I also had a problem with HP - not that I didn't have one or believe in one - I just had trouble in "talking" to my HP....which for me was quite similiar to not having an HP there.  The nice thing about Alanon is we can use anything for HP until we finally find our HP.  For example, we can use our Alanon group as our HP.  So I would say don't worry too much.  We are led to HP when the time is right.  I saw this happening with me after I'd been in the program over a year - all my current issues kept going straight to Let Go and Let God. As for boundaries, I found when I first began that the boundaries I was setting were not actually for ME.  I was still trying to control what those around me did.  An example again, my hubby's ex would call the house and more times than not it would upset hubby and contribute to his drinking more.  So I tried to set a boundary of if she calls, he should hang up if she got nasty so that the peace of our household was not disturbed.  This obviously did NOT work, as it was up to someone else to enforce that boundary, not me.  I was talking about it in my ftf meeting one day and realized as I spoke that it was not MY boundary to set, that it was not MY business, but hubby's business.  I have since detached from the whole phone call issue and let hubby deal with it.  I still do not like when she calls and upsets him, but I keep my nose out of it and allow him the dignity of dealing with his feelings regarding all this.  And I must say, since I no longer participate in it, he has gotten much better with it and often hangs up on his own when she gets ridiculous.  (They have 2 children which is why she calls.) Detaching with Love....please note I add the "with Love" because that is what Detachment is about, lovingly detaching.  So often those 2 words are left off, and I personally feel that when we leave those 2 words off that we aren't seeing what Detachment truly is.  Prior to Alanon when my hubby would start drinking I'd get angry or upset and would act in anger - nagging, crying, giving him nasty looks, or leaving the room in a huffy manner and ignoring him.  Most nights this kind of reaction from me would contribute to horrible verbal fights.  So when I began Alanon and was asked "How's that working for you?", I had to admit it wasn't working well at all.  I decided to try a different way, this Detachment with Love that everyone talked about.  Of course I wasn't feeling very "lovey" so I had to at first act as if - Fake It till You Make It.  I would pretend that when he poured a drink that it was okay and wasn't going to make him into a raging monster.  I removed from my mind all the thoughts of what his drinking led to.  I acted as if it was just another night when he wasn't drinking.  I smiled at him, I interacted with him, I remained loving and kind.  And by golly, it worked!  Those verbal fights ceased.  He'd have his drinks and then eventually go to bed and pass out.  And he drank less. I thought I had detachment with love covered.  Then the issues with my stepdaughter (an unrecovered ACOA) began.  Again I was trying to set the wrong kind of boundaries, trying to make her change, to control how she was.  I didn't like how she acted in my home.  (She lives with us.)  I didn't like how she wasn't disciplining her 2 year old, how she was so messy, how my home wasn't being kept clean.  I ranted and raved about it many a time in our chat room here.  She moved out in December to go back to her moms and I was sooooo happy.  Then within a month, she was calling her dad, her mom kept kicking her out, she wanted to come back.  He said yes.  I was devastated.  I felt like the peace I'd just recovered in my home was about to be lost again.  I went thru feelings of grief and anger, mostly grief.  I didn't know what to do, how to deal with it.  I was directed to read certain things by other Alanon members.  Slowly it started to sink in that I hadn't practiced detachment with love with her..I had just practiced detachment.  I made the comment one day that what I needed to do was just love her unconditionally and participate in her life, rather than ignore her...and someone said to me, thats detachment with love.  Wow!  Like a big lightbulb had just gone off.  That's what I had done with hubby, but I couldn't see that I hadn't done it with her until then.  I had to let go of my expectations and wants.  I had to find acceptance and a new way of dealing with things.  Certain wants, like keeping the house tidy, we have worked out.  It still is not where I would like it to be, but "How Important Is It?"  I cannot expect perfection from anyone.  Progress not perfection.  And we are progressing.  I haven't had to deal with the embarassing moments in a while now, but I can remember those feelings.  Perhaps it would help to look at it in a different perspective.  There are many people who find it funny.  Have you ever heard someone say, "Oh, so and so was the life of the party! So and so was so funny!"  Those people were laughing and joking right along with the alcoholic and having a good time.  Sometimes with us, being so sensitive, we can't see the humor - all we see is what to us is embarassing.  It is sometimes very hard to understand that their behavior is NOT a reflection on ourself.  We are only responsible for our own behavior.  Often if we treat things as being "normal" it turns out to be okay.  Expecting the "worst" to happen is part of our disease - the stinking thinking that can ruin our whole day.  This is why we take things One Day At A Time.  There's an expression...if I stand with one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, I'm pissing all over today.  It helps us to let go of yesterday, to quit worrying about tomorrow, and to just enjoy today and make the best day of it we can.  (((((((((jna))))))))) never feel your problems are less than others.  We are all in the same boat - just trying to learn how to find serenity while living with this sad, horrible disease.  I wish you the very best on your path.  Glad you are here with us!! Luv, Kis  "

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