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Friday was very very bad for me. I was up at 6:30am and my A was upstairs in his office. When I walked in to wish him a good morning he took the big vodka bottle and tried to hide it..duh...
So I walked to work in the snow. That is okay, it is good for me to walk.
I did not hear from him all day Friday and I did not call him. After work (I stayed until 5:30 instead of leaving at 4) I went to the mall and shopped. Then I ate dinner alone at the restaurant. It was terrible, but good to be away from home.
I walked through the woods in the dark at 7pm.I was a little scared but felt safe and wanted to see if I could do it. Then I walked in the apt. My A looks at me funny(doesn't comment on my lateness) gets me away from the kitchen (where the wall is thin) and says, hey go to shoprite and get some booze, it is Friday night. I say so what it is Friday night. He says don't you want some wine? I say yes, but not if it means buying more booze for you I can skip a glass of wine or 2. He says comon its Friday night again. I say well so what, Friday at 6:30am you were drinking vodka whats the diff to you? I go downstairs to hangup my coat and get changed. Now he sees no more booze coming and gets MAD! I see this and head towards the bathroom and a locked door. He goes to shove me and I dodge it because I am quick. he shoves the dresser and it rocks but does not fall. I jump into the bathroom and seal the door. he crashes into the wall and I hear the picture break. I tell him loudly GO UPSTAIRS and leave me alone or I will call the police. I had never done this but was actually ready. he went upstairs.
My boundary is not buying him booze. Not always a simple or easy one for me
sorry for the rant
before alanon I would have bought him the booze without even thinking. Then be mad when he got drunk...
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it and I sure as heck am not going to contribute to it...
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
By the way that is such a pretty name. I kept thinking that its progress not perfection. You need to walk before you can run and by not buying him the booze you are setting a boundary. You are saying I am not contributing to this. Good for you.
Protect yourself Megan. Walking through the woods at night in the dark seems like risky behavior. As a codependent I have fantasies that if something where to happen to me "then he'd be sorry". Becareful of your motives.
yes, thank you for the comments. I am at some odd place at the moment and will use better judegment. I want and need things to be different so badly I sometimes throw everything out. I will be more careful.
Saturday am my A said sorry for breaking the picture (he saw it broken in a plastic bucket). I vacuumed the glass. He remembered nothing of his rage.
I re-read some of geting them sober you can help last night and am reviewing the section "its useless to argue with a bottle" and it is. I fell back into it, but still held my ground. He is on quite the binge now and I dread this evening. I have commuted to work by bike today and instead of working late then shopping I'll take the bike for a spin while it is still light. Yesterday I did 2 hours around town and boy did I feel better when done.
Thanks for listening and for the encouragement to stand my ground
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Congrats on onforcing your boundary!! Please just remember, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE ! Take care of yourself. Do you have a place to go if he gets threatening again? Maybe pack yourself a bag, with toothbrush etc., some money to go to a hotel, or a friend's, change of clothes etc., and keep it in a place where you can get to it in a hurry.
Please keep us posted on your progress. It doesn't happen overnight, but things will get better. Remember, we've all been there at one stage or another and really do care about you and understand what you are going through.Keep up the good work! TLC
Yes, You make a good point. There is no excuse for violence. The violence is new and upsetting to me.
I do have a place to go, within a mile of my apartment is a hotel, right next to my place of business.
I will take your advice, pack a bag with a change of clothes and toiletries (money and credit card - good idea)and leave it in my office and if need be I will leave the situation.
Thank-you for the suggestion, I have been wondering on what to do as the violence is an escalation of his criticism's when drunk (which I ignore).
Last night he was at the tail end of his binge (ran out of booze) he again asked me to buy some but I refused and he continued to sit dully in his chair...his body quite polluted and unable to move or think...
Tonight is an al-anon meeting locally, but on the web it says "for adult children" I am trying to get up the courage to go anyway and hope they have the meeting schedule for my new area, online there seems to be only this "adult children" meeting which is not quite a fit for me. I have not been able to get to a meeting since I moved end of November.
I am re-reading "Getting them sober" and my spirits are somewhat lifted by the advice to act as though you are happy and things are fine and this will improve your mood - it has. Even though things are not fine it releives the pressure on my thoughts. The exercise has been helping me feel better too.
I will keep the board updated. I have learned so much here along with coping tools to deal with the crises's that seem to continually happen.
Thanks to all for listening
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Proud of you for taking care of you! Keep Coming Back. 