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Post Info TOPIC: would like your thoughts


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3131
Date:
would like your thoughts


First thank you to all who responded to my last posting.

Have not even spoken to my A since the middle of Dec. Not any contact at all. I wake up every morn and want to send him a letter.

My A is or was a very nice person with a horrible disease. He has never and would never cheat on me, even when we have not seen each other for almost a year. For one thing he is not like that, for another, he is not interested in sex at this point.

Anyway I have this fear of him getting very sick and going into a coma, or dieing or just feeling horribly guilty becuz he is so sick and his disease has made a mess of our marriage. We were very much in love and are very much in love. But his disease and brain damage from the brain surgery make him dangerous to be around.

I don't want anything bad to happen and him not know how much I love him and care.

So my question is, is it appropriate for me to send him a letter, first making it clear I know we cannot be in contact, unless he is back in AA and on a recovery program, but more important no matter what is going on I love him very much and appreciate all the wonderful things he has done for me?

I am constantly hurting inside, lopsided still wanting to write to him.

I go to goodwill go goof around in the city he is in. I only go maybe once in 3 weeks. I always drive past his mom's where he is. Just to see if his truck is there. Sometimes I think about when I get a car he won't recognize I will just park sometime to just get to look at him. Not to stalk him, geez I sound crazy. I mean just once.

It is just when you love someone for over thirty years, it feels like part of me is out there somewhere.

To send him a note would be almost more for me. I am not sure, if he is using, that the disease will get the note and that will be that. He may not even care one tiny bit if the disease has him real bad.

He told me he would have to lose everything to hit his bottom. He still has his mommy enbling him. So I guess she has to die. She is very sick with crohns.

Anyway sometimes my heart is in my throat.

? love, and thank you, debilyn





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"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
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cdb


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1197
Date:

Debilyn,


My first thought is when a person sends a letter you never know if they got it or read it unless they decide to contact you back. I hate that uncertainty unless you send it certified or whatever means to show he got it. My entire family has learned this with my one brother who for some reason without any verbal reason to us decided to cut off all contact with us over a year ago. Even when we had the police contact him and ask him to contact us, he did not.


I also have learned from counseling to do what is best for me. If I feel it would help ME to write this letter, then I would, but only for my own emotional benefit. And knowing I may not get a response back.


I do trust you will do the correct thing. You are in control and have many options. For example, you could even knock on the door and see him or his mom in person. The idea is.....you are in control.


Hope this helps. cdb


 



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Senior Member

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Hi Debilyn, It seems to me that for all practical purposes your relationship is over with your man, unless the miracle happens and he truly desires recovery. It seems your man is married to his drug of alcohol, etc. It ‘looks’ to me that you are torturing yourself keeping the pseudo relationship going. If you were going to write a letter to him, you would want to write one of acceptance to end of the relationship. In it, you could depict your love for him and how you now miss him but that you are with difficulty accepting the end of the relationship. I think you would be writing this letter for you more than for him, to find closure. You would not even need to mail the letter; you just write and maybe burn it in symbolism of the end of your relationship. “I think” that you need to move on. It is hard for me to believe that your God wants you to suffer like this. Carrying on the one sided relationship (Oxymoron) must be debilitating and disabling to some extent. If would do your God and yourself a favor by ending the pseudo relationship, and if the miracle should happen, you could always start a new relationship with man… maybe even get married again to him.


Hugs & Luv,




-- Edited by richard at 07:37, 2005-02-05

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1020
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Dear Debilyn,


He just HAS to know already you love him no matter how much they took out in his brain surgery and no matter how compromised he is by his disease in the moment. He DOES know.


I don't put much value on the words "I love you" (although I still say it and it's so nice to hear it). I go by behavior.


Your behavior toward your husband has consistently been that of a loving mate. Regardless of how he has acted toward you, you can know your own behavior was that of a loving mate.


If for yourself you need to write him a letter, do it. Who says you have to send it? To send it implies you have an expectation of his actions.


Jill


 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 653
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Dear Debilyn, my heart aches for you. As I said to jj in above post, when my Mom died, I had a horrible nightmare that she sat up in her coffin and tried to say she loved me, but couldn't. I think that nightmare will haunt me the rest of my days! I don't see anything wrong with writing to him to tell him that though you can't be with him, you love him. Maybe you could borrow someone's car and go see him, so they wouldn't know it was you, just for your piece of mind. Once they are dead, you can't do that. Sorry I'm so blunt, but that is what I feel, deep inside. Anywho.. you know the slogan, take what you want, and leave the rest. You are in my thoughts and prayers, TLC

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Sending lots of TLC2U


Senior Member

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Posts: 410
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For me, Longing for someone constantly, is the Loneliest existence possible.  I also, feel like I have no self-respect living that way.   I Long For and Care Too Much, Love Too Much,  and can get zip in return if I don't watch it, when involved with an addict of any sort.   I know I used to be one of those "Women Who Love Too Much" when I was single.  I probably could have found myself in that book at one time.



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In my HP's time, not mine.



Senior Member

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Posts: 291
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I feel your pain, as it's now been since the beginning of January that I broke up with my boyfriend.  As you, most mornings I have to redirect my attention to something else other than wanting to call him to see how he is doing while on my drive to work.  Some mornings are painful because I think of the good and feel him so deeply in my heart knowing we are not together-- but when that happens, I force myself to give that pain to my higher power and remind myself that if something is meant to happen and it is what God wants that someday we will be back together and in turn, it helps me realize how I need to focus on strengthening my relationship with God.  The trust that comes with that helps me through.  Tonight, I returned from my brothers house across town, who I rarely see, as it was my nephews birthday.  It was the first time, I was in that part of town where my ex a lives and all of our memories were from going out together to nightclubs or bars to shoot pool or restaurants for dinner BEFORE I realized how much alcohol affected both our our lives and hurt our relationship.  It hurt and I felt like I couldn't go to my brothers initially, but took some deep breathes during my drive and was okay once I got to my brothers.  I experienced all the anxiety, sadness, pain deep in my heart as I did the first week of our breakup, like it was happening all over again.  :(  But now, I am back home and feeling better-- realizing ultimately, that as much as I love him I have to be okay and healthy and so I reflect back on the realization that I do not want to live my life in bars on weekends or around alcohol in general.  I am in school pursuing a degree and love my home, my children and just having peace and quiet.  When I begin to miss him and want to make that phone call or send a card (which I've thought of recently) I instead have a wonderful friend that I can send a card to if necessary.  That seems to ease the pain of not having my ex a here to love because I can still share the love I have in my heart with someone who cares for me and helps me through these difficult times.    Hang in there-- it's tough I most definitely know, but what is most important to YOU?  Peace, stability or anxiety, worry, and doubt?  Like you, I really believe my ex a loves me and always will think about me as I do him-- BUT.... that doesn't help when us being together hurts more than when we are apart cause of all the tension in the relationship.  :(  Something I did initially rather than write a letter or talk to him because I knew it would be too hard for me emotionally is send him an I'm Sorry coffee mug via fed ex delivery and a little card that said, "Let this mug always be a reminder of how sorry I am for any pain I caused you. I never wanted to react the way I did at times. I'll always love you with all of my heart and think of our good times. Take care of yourself. Don't ever let your heart harden. Let God keep it soft. I'll miss you."   This offered me some closure in that I knew I sincereley expressed my contribution in the failed relationship.  What I realize now is that if he doesn't call to do the same, that it is an indication to me how sick he really is with expressing emotions and no matter what I would deserve an apology also.  Because he cannot or has chosen not to do that, I know that I must move forward with my life because NOBODY deserves to always be the one apologizing and not having that sincerely returned.  That is what hurts the most and at least when we are not together, I no longer have to live with the pain of someone who is insensitive to my feelings and needs.  Especially, when I can humble myself and give all I have to love that person, yet nothing is returned.  Take Care!!  :)

-- Edited by sanddie at 23:22, 2005-02-05

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Senior Member

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Debilyn:


Can I recommend a book that really helped me the first couple of weeks of the breakup.  Without it, I don't believe I would have gotten through so quickly.  It really made a difference in how I perceived the pain I feel in my heart at times.  The book is titled, Love Hangover and it is truly an awesome book.  I hope you can start reading it very soon.  :)



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