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Okay... here is my question... can a person ever get back together with their A after a breakup of considerable length?
I'm not saying I want this but... I met with my ex-A for coffee today and we had a great time. We have been in contact pretty regularly since we broke up a year ago because she had an affair. In the last year, she has found sobriety and I have found myself. Is it possible we could ever reunite?
I talked to two friends today about this and both unequivocally said there is no recalling this broken relationship. It can't happen because there is too much "history" or past to it... well, I don't know how I feel about that. Isn't possible we could get healthy and get back together to love each other in a whole new way?
What do you all think? Any program ideas on this?
Much love and hugs, Jessi
__________________
If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Hi Jessi, I believe our friends want to protect us. They see us go thru so much when we love an A. Of course you can get back together. It is up to you.
But we have to remember they are A with all the problems that come with the disease. Now I do not believe infidelity is a symptom of being A. I could not go back to someone who cheated on me. I would forgive them, but just would expect it to be their nature to cheat as much as it is my nature to not cheat.
Relapse is a real part of the disease. Can you accept her for who she is and detach from the disease? I have read about 80% of relationships have a good chance to make it if they BOTH are in a twelve step program. Is she in AA?
I hope for the best for you. Alanon will guide you. A's need love too. If you can do it, good for you, and how fortunate for her.
Myself I did my very best, but my A got too violent for me. I could detach from everything else but that.
It seems to me, that if you have truly found yourself as you state that you are truly in touch with your heart. It is in your heart that the answers are. Information you get from other people, reading, therapy, Al-anon, etc. is just that-- information. Your answers however will not come from those resources; they will come from your heart. Of course, if you really have found yourself: you would already know this.
My, thinking is this; you can go back, give it a try. If you didnt you would live the rest of your life thinking......"what if" I too, have an ex a that cheated on me. Cheated in the begining of our marriage, at the same time his drinking began to escalate. I dont know if he cheated during our marriage per say; but I know the relationship began, when our problems began. Then the drinking became out of conrol. The man I fell in love changed in front of my eyes, and this other woman did have alot to do with his disease. She fed into it, she enabled him, because she does not know about the disease. She is as sick as he was. I blame her for 1/2 of the problem. SHe knew he was married, she was married with three little ones of her own.
They developed a highly sexual realtionship with during our "separation", and I know because he told me it was pure "lust" nothing else. They continued to see each other, she was a huge part of him jeopordizing his career, I wont go into details, but her ignorance of alcholism contributed to his problems and was a HUGE wake up call!, He entered AA after that. The department finally recongized his problem ( I had begged them for help prior to all this, and they told me, it was the marriage causing him to drink) SO they were aware of this affair and his drinking and they chose to ignore his problem, rather than addressing it within the department and getting him some help! They put my husband at risk, (do i need to mention guns/suicide) myself , his children, my family, this woman and the whole town and that is a topic I will write about some day. EMPLOYER responsibility, especially the law enforcement community.
They broke up after our divorce went through and when he started in AA, In fact I heard her myself tell him ITS NOT THE DRINKING that was bothering her, ITS was THE LYING, and then she threatend him that she was going to tell his supervisors he was still drinking! and further jeopordize his chances of getting his job back. THIS WOMAN WAS A HUGE SYMPTOM of his FUZZY thinking during his drinking days......it took sobriety for him to see this!
I am not excusing his behavior, because I was and am very hurt over this affair. However, he is back at work, a second chance that if he screws up, there goes his career.(he is a policeman). He is now working a program, and according to him she was angry that he did not spend time with her anymore. Look, this obviously was an ALCHOL induced affair. PERIOD. I do believe that cheating is a symptom of the disease, and I have had friends who's husbands also sex issues during drinking days. Strip clubs,+ Drinking, ect... Now we have the internet, and all those sites, which I do believe is a sypmtom of disease too, or at the least a combination problem.
My feeling is that throughthe AA program they focus on my more than drinking. They learn about their behavior, and work to change the defects of character that contribute to the disease. NOT ALL ALCHOLICS CHEAT, but some do. My ex's drinking became worse in a rather quick time, and I do believe it all went hand in hand. Perhaps his disease would have progressed without this affair, but I think that I had more of a chance without the presence of another woman pulling on him emotionally, in getting him the help he needed (intervention perhaps).
It is one thing to deal with the alcholism, another the cheating. I love my husband to this day, and I would reconcile with him if we were give the chance. I married him and he married me because we love on another. As he told me if it is in the plan for us, our HP's will bring it about.
In the mean time, I would continue to work the program and perhaps initiate counseling with her, it would only help you both. I believe in my heart that drunkeness equals crazy behavior, and that includes infedility. Alcholics are sometimes Co-Dependent as well!
Sorry for being lengthy. But I just felt the need to response to your post.
this is not meant to encourage you in re-uniting with your ex. it is a very rare thing, because yes, there is a LOT of baggage between a's and their ex's.
my a and i did re-unite after 2 and 1/2 years apart. but it was with some SOLID recovery behind us. working both our programs for OURSELVES not for the possibility of re-uniting. when we saw we still loved one another and were willing to start a new fresh relationship....meaning we were both willing to forgive each other and place the past in the past, then we started dating again. my a did not physically cheat on me, but there was a lot of strip-clubbing and porn involved. sobriety, for him means staying away from those activities as they are 1)associated with drinking and 2) his new spirituality requires him to try to be a better person. with time, trust returns.
however, i walked into this with my eyes wide open. knowing there would still be a lot of things wrong with him and me, did i love him enough to give this a fair chance and to stay away from old patterns of communication and start new ones. was i willing to not throw old baggage in his face? was i willing to be open to new ways of doing things....would i still look to myself for happiness? would i accept my a for who he was today? if i could, then it was worth a shot. walking in with no expectations, except that if it didn't work, at least i knew we gave it a try in sobriety. we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years now and we are very content.
with alanon, it is with a new sense of self that i remain in this relationship. knowing, i am responsible for my happiness. knowing if i cannot look to my a to do something for me, i hire someone, like i did when on my own. with no expectation, my a however, usually comes through for me cause the pressure is off.
anyways, i know i am going on....but i hope this helps. the warnings are everywhere. take your time, make sure you have some solid recovery behind you. take things one day at a time. look for your HP to point you in the right direction. is it your will or your HP's?
