The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know in the years I have been here I have said it before. Maybe this time it is real.
still have not talked to or seen my a. Been over six weeks now, he repected my wishes and has not called. Actually it is more I have nothing he wants so he has not called me.
NO matter. I finally, a bit back, thought how I needed to move on. I still think about him first thing in the morn. but I am still moving on.
At first I could not figure out how to move ahead, away. what did that mean? It sorta crept up on me, I started to do things and did not consider how A would feel about it. I had a bird here that really loved him. But his coming and goings really upset this bird who loves men.
I met someone who does wonderful things with birds who pluck out their feathers and sent her there. she is super happy and talking up a storm and learning new words from the other birds. The a had asked me not to ever give the bird away....
I also moved into his bedroom that has the beautiful view out the sliding glass door, and am making my master bedroom into a den. He would have no place here now.
I guess what I am saying is I think about what "I" want and do it. He has allowed the disease to change him into someone I want nothing to do with. so I share nothing with him.
Seems it takes a long time to get over the illness that seeps into us, when the A finally leaves. even with my alanon skills and really doing my program, it was not any way would choose to live. I felt an evilness in my home. I know it is not the a's fault, it is the disease I hate, but unfortunately the disease has kidnapped my husband and now he is a pod person.
It took years to know in my heart, that my husband is not in there anymore. I would allow him back and look for him. Finally I realized he is not there, maybe never was. Maybe it was more of my own denial.
I do not like who ever he is now, sober or not. He is not the man who brought me home a van load of flowers to plant, or brought home wildflowers or my favorite natural type jewelry. He is no longer the guy who would fold cloths and put my underwear on his head and pull his sweats up to his neck....
I also adopted the cutest four month old english bulldog pup who cannot control her bum or bladder and will be in diapers all her life. she is the cutest thing and snores up a storm and so worth all the work. I also am raising a Basset pup and Great Pyr pup. she has her two brothers in them and the 3 are making me very very happy.
I feel more like I have a family here now. MY a would never have wanted this girl here.
serenity grows and grows. I read our ctc book every day and make as many meetings as I can. I love this board too.
Just wish it was as busy as the other one was.
It is a healthy road, this Alanon way. I never expected things to be as they turned out. I mean I thought if I did alanon skills I would be able to live with a. Well I could but I choose not to.
I grew past him, way passed him.
But the emotions of caring and love are still in my heart. maybe the people who come here are the people who, when they love someone, always love them. I mean some people can get married and move on to someone else. But some of us love our spouses or loves like we love our kids or parents. they are part of us, and always will be.
Maybe lots of us are the same people who make our pets part of our family and would not think of having to "get rid of them" becuz we are moving....
My A is my husband and I feel lopsided. But I am making my side more even lately by thinking forward, doing my own things, dragging in gravel so I don't get sucked into the mud, putting up fences to keep pot bellied pigs out of my flowers....
It is my hope that you can see how wise your decisions have been regarding your A. I have learned so much from you over the short time I have been coming here. It is wonderful that you took over the bedroom with such a beautiful view! I met someone years ago who after her divorce ripped the carpet out of the main dining room so she could redo and see the beautiful wooden floors underneath. Her ex had always forbid her from doing this. There are pros and cons to everything and it appears you are choosing to enjoy the pros at this time. Alot of new found freedom seems to come from letting go of things too. I have been trying hard to do this with my A too, yet as you know I am in a different spot at the time. Mentally, I am better though with detatching with love and focusing on me and not on her.
I did find out that my daughter was given the option to go detox but it was found she does not need it at this point. Her new boyfriend (not the one in a half way house who recently shot up and was put back in prison, thank God) also is being very supportive of her alcoholism too. And she did rely on her Higher Power to get her to the treatment center to evaluate what she should do. She has he same job back because one of the managers understands alcoholism/drug abuse and since she is such a good worker he has given her times and hours where it is less stressfull for her. To me this means her Higher Power must be in her life and that does make it easier on me to let go too and connect with my Higher Power more. Plus she and I are able to talk using the AA/Alanon terms.
Sorry to go on about me but since you asked me to email you and I am not much of an emailer just thought I would update you now. My daughter took me to the ER room 2 nights ago for my constant 2 weeks of leg pain since the almost OD of vicodin would not help at all. I was treated horrible! The doctor seemed to treat me like a drug addict who wanted more drugs. He then offered to give me a shot of methadone which I hadn't taken for 11 days and had the nerve to ask me what I wanted and why I even came to ER! I came to help reduce the off the scale pain. I am not one to just go to ER for the heck of it! They didn't have any intravenous methadone and said they could give me a pill if I wanted. I said, I had lots of them at home and could take one of them. He told me the dose. I am still fuming and do plan to make a formal complaint once my mind is clearer. WEll, when I got home the dose he said to take was the tiniest amount,,,,which is equivalent to a placebo as far as I am concerned.( No wonder thay didn't have that dose intraveniously!) I decided to wait to talk to my pain specialist before I took anymore methadone and took more vicodin! My daughter did put her arm around me at ER after the doc left the room because she saw how rude and cruel he talked to me! I don't know if I am suppose to be learning something about drug addiction from my higher power but I am not the kind to just pop pills or I could have with over 50 in a bottle at my house. Obviously my body is addicted to methadone because the next day my pain specialist told me to take the methadone only at nite and vicodin during the day to see if that amount will not make me sleep my life away. Well, once I took the methadone the over the chart leg pain went away! I sure can empathize with drug addicts now in some little way. I am not happy about being back on the methadone but I have been on almost all the pain meds out there over the past 10 years. I will see the accupuncturist this week and come up with a new game plan with him for now. I am the one that has to think about me now and totally trust in my higher power. I am hoping Richard will read this too since I know you are familiar with chronic pain and the other things too. Would appreciate any reply you may have too.
Debilyn, you are doing so well by relying on you and your higher power and I admire that so much in you! Just one more thing you may know. ARE there diapers for miniature hamsters? LOL
Wonderful post, debilyn, thank you. So good to see that you are making choices based on what is best for you, what YOU want, rather than what the A may or may not want and do. cdb - although I don't have problems with pain, I do have a chronic, longstanding health issue. Emergency sure is not the right place to go! Emergency docs are used to going with the most obvious choice first. This is usually what works in an emergency situation, but if you have a chronic problem it's worse than useless. They suggest things that you tried and discarded ten years ago! One thing you might find useful is a letter from your pain specialist, outlining the situation, and what has been done. Doctors will respect information from another doctor, even though when YOU tell them the exact same thing, they dismiss you. I have found that the arrogance of the medical profession is a given, a 'thing we cannot change' so it's better to find a way around it,.
I always found my Heart was the last thing to let go, the last thing that held on, and would do most of the kicking and screaming, when the Head and Soul knew better. I suppose the Heart has it's own timing, just like God/HP. My fault --I could always see the good in someone or their potential, but with A's, I guess they do not see it or even think about it--they see themselves negatively. Thus, whatever happens to them or in their attitude, We have self-esteem issues. So, sometimes, we are just better off without them, and moving on.
Dear Debilyn, your share was bittersweet. I am happy for you that you are making things in your home the way you want them. I know how you miss the man you married, still love the man he used to be.. My heart aches for you, it's so sad that he was taken from you by this horrible disease!
But, I see your mourning period is ending, and I'm so happy for you. Animals are so wonderful! They return your unconditional love with their unconditional love, they thrive in your care,and you thrive in their love. (if only people would!!).
I was so afraid when I saw your title,'moving on' that you were moving away from your beloved mountain. I'm so happy and relieved that I was wrong!! I am much the same with my beach. After the tidal wave, my brother asked me when I was moving? NEVER!!! If that's the way I'll go to my HP, so be it. I lived away from the water for 20 years, and will never move away again if there is any way I can help it. I missed it sooo much, I was dying inside.
I just took in a kitten who is extremly shy. I didn't see her for a whole day, and was so worried! Last night, we found her and locked her in the bathroom. I made some progres this a.m. by sitting on the bathroom floor and calling her. I had her eating, purring and rubbing. I have an older cat who hisses at her, so I'll take it one baby-step at a time, just like Alanon. I tend to agree with you about the people here being a special kind of people. We do our very best and put our all into whatever we do. One thing you can say is that you tried your very hardest and best, and need never feel guilty about not trying hard enough!! Sadly, it was just a hopeless situation. I'm glad you are finding happiness and serenity in your life now, you certainly deserve it!!Thank-you sooo much for coming here, your shares help so many of us!! Love in the program, TLC
I can definitely relate to the heart being the last to let go. It is the most difficult for me and what I realize now going through similar circumstances in finally ending a relationship with my a after 3 years off/on, who I love tremendously and always will is how healthy I have become. I recall in previous relationships that it wasn't until there were extreme situations that occured over and over again enough to eventually numb me out. Of course, once you are numb it is easier to end anything not feeling anything. All part of the denial. However, in the last relationship, I made a conscious choice to end the relationship for both of us because we were lethal together-- him with his drinking and me with my codependency. I love him enough to walk away, even if it hurts tremendously because I want both of us to be happy and not force anything. I've accepted that we both have issues and that perhaps he would meet someone he could be truly happy with that accepts his drinking and lifestyle. He does have a good heart deep down and I think with the right person he will look more deeply at his life. However, because I have issues to having come from so much abuse as a child into my first marriage-- I know my needs require a man who is strong for himself on his own individual issues so we can both work on our own individual issues to avoid conflict from them into our relationship. I will love my ex a forever and am thankful for having that love in my heart for him. It hurts of course to think of him with someone else, but it also is healthier for us to let go when all we began to do is rip eachother apart. :( Thanks to everyone for being here. :)
What a beautiful and eloquent posting... thank you for being honest, open and willing in your sharing.
I relate deeply to much of what you shared about your a. I have been single for a little more than a year now and understand the moments of freedom and the moments of sorrow you are having now. In time, it will get easier to do the next right thing for YOU. Keep coming back and remember that your HP can do for you what you could not do for yourself.
I still talk to my ex-A and have even told her how much I love her even now. i believe I will always love her. I don't need to know what the future hold for her and I. Today is all I have and today I love her. A wise person told me that you don't have to posess someone to love them. I need to remind myself of this daily.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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