The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
have you ever felt like you were trying to solve a puzzle but you didn't quite have all the information? Well, that's how I have been feeling. It has even led to panic attacks. The answer to the puzzle is I need to have more faith in myself. I need to have confidence in me and my own abilities. So, if I already know the answer then the rest should be a piece of cake, right? But, it's not. No matter how much rationality I use it doesn't take away all the hurt that so many different people have caused over the years. It's like I have a wound that will not close. Maybe it would close if I got "I wish that never happened..and This is not how things were supposed to turn out nor would they have if I had let ME out instead of my fears but I didn't so I think that people view me as a failure, a disappointment, someone who isn't lovable because that's what I think of me" out of my head.
I'm going through some similar stuff. One of the things I am doing is, trying to place myself in others shoe's. Instead of just "blaming" them for hurting me. I am looking at what was going on in their lives at the time. Was there life perfect? Were they hurting over something themselves?
It's too easy to say "You hurt me"...I am realising I need to look at my part. How many people have I hurt, did I know I had caused pain to them. Did I think it was alright for me to hurt them, after all they hurt me.
Life is hard for everyone. We all have issues, and we don't know how to deal with them.
I would suggest you look closer to the people who have hurt you, don't insist on looking for the reason. Just look at how you felt, WHY did you take on that hurt. Then when you understand that, you will get out of that maze once and for all......
It takes time to let go of "Resentments" I believe we all make do with what we have at the time. People do the best they can, and It might not suit everyone at the time. Open your mind, look further than your pain....
Someone can say something to me, and I am like "whatever" then the next person can say the same thing and I take on board all the hurt.....
Try just looking at a situation from the past, but do not stare...You never know It might just put new light on things.....
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and the disease almost destroyed my self confidence. I managed to get much more self confidence back and then I took up with my exA who was just like dear old Dad. So not too long ago I felt much like you do. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. My "self" had disappeared and all that was in my head was hurt, shame, and rage.
I am still struggling with letting go of the hurt and the things done to me by the ex. What helps me is to see that each time I think about HIM and what he did is a moment in time I am not thinking about ME and what I need to do.
"Me and what I need to do" was a complete blank at first. I lost myself and my direction living with the disease. But my kind Alanon friends kept reminding me that "I" was still in there and with focus on the program tools, meetings, hanging out with healthy folks, that "I" would come back to myself.
That has been true, but it is a process. There are still some blank areas. But I have faith they will fill in with "me" if I keep working the program.
Another little thing I did (a therapist years ago taught me this) was to make little decisions and carry them out, even if it was a grocery list, just to give myself the sense of accomplishing something I decided to do. It was HARD to decide what color to paint my bedroom. Would my stepmother (Martha Stewart's lesser twin) recoil in horror? Why did I even care, she doesn't sleep in there! I remember this, it was almost 20 years ago. It was sort of a turning point.
We ALL just do our best. No one has special powers to just "know". Make a few mistakes on purpose too :D, I'm just remembering that one too.
Make yourself the target of the good things you can do.
