The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to stay ok about this, but here's the situation...
My husband's daughter is coming up from Florida (she's a college freshman and lives with her mother ~ my A's EX). The EX is coming as well. Stepdaughter always stays with my A's parents, as she doesn't really like me since I have house rules, and when she's here she refuses to follow them. The EX is staying with my A's parents as well. Sigh...yes, you heard that right. Inlaws are letting their EX-daughter-in-law stay there too, along with her other child, a son, by another ex-husband. So Christmas is gonna be at my inlaws' house, with me, my A, his EX, and everyone else.
It has happened before, only it was at Thanksgiving about 4 years ago. Funny, my A's brother and his wife were there, the brother's ex-wife and her girlfriend were there, and me, my A, and his EX. One big happy family...
It all just doesn't sit well with me. I don't complain about it, except to my husband. I did mention to my inlaws today that it is a bit ODD that the EX is staying at their house. I asked how she is going to be getting around, as they are flying in tomorrow morning and the inlaws are picking them up at the airport. I'm certainly not going to be driving my A's EX around...LOLOL. They said they didn't know how she was gonna be getting around town, they weren't taking her anywhere. They feel obligated to let her stay since she is their grandaughter's mom. Stepdaughter actually asked them if she could stay there, since she had no place to go for Christmas. I think stepdaughter is trying to agitate me...she's tried many times in the past to get to me, but I try not to let her.
I don't plan on getting EX a Christmas gift. I know that may sound harsh, but I care nothing for her. She lives a few states away, and I NEVER talk to her. I know nothing about her, whatsoever, except that she is mother to my stepdaughter.
I've been sorta simmering about this since I knew they all were coming.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent, thanks for listening.
Sorry you are feeling like this. That must be hard for you. When I am in situations that really try my emotions, I try to put my energy and focus on handling it in the best manner that I can that keeps me happy and sane,even if I disagree with what others have done or are doing. I admire your courage for accepting the situation as best you can and going with the flow of things, even if they are less than ideal. I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that your days goes well for you. You are amazing!
When I'm in those odd situations I just keep trying to do the next right thing and always take the high road. That keeps me where I want to be and out of trouble :)
take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am simmering a little because of this, too. I think boundries are being crossed by both your daug-in-law and hub's EX. I think your hub should talk to his parents so you are not put in this very awkward position again. when your daug-in-law says "but my mom has nowhere to goooo"; that is A-speak for "let me manipulate your feelings so i get what i want whether it be fair, better or worse". she learned it from somewhere, she is in college (an adult), and, in my honest opinion, could use a good talk with her father.
on the flip side, i could just be full of shat.
anyway, we can only control what we do and the boundries we set up. if you've agreed to have the holiday in this circumstance, then it is on your side of the street...
with love, yours in recovery
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It isn't always easy to understand the relationships when some many families have been disjointed by this disease. But I have to share with you that this Thanksgiving and Christmas I am sharing with my mother-in-law even though my ex doesn't acknowledge her in his life. She and I do share an Al-anon bond... I'm her sponsor... Now some would think it odd that she would want to come and spend the holidays with her (ex) daughter-in-law but like she says, she didn't divorce me.
Now something even a bit stranger.... a few years back when my other ex-husbands wife was having issues, she and their children (3 boys) came and stayed with me for a couple of months until she could make the necessary arrangements to return to texas. He was very abusive to her, more than he had been to me. I wouldn't hesitate to have her stay with me today if she was coming to my area.
Sadly, my 2nd ex's girlfriend is afraid to come face to face with me. Most likely due to the fact that she feels the guilt of taking a married man and father away from his family. What she doesn't realize is that I know what she has to live with now... the disease of alcoholism and all the things that I no longer have to deal with on a day to day basis. Funny, I asked my ex last year if his girlfriend was going to al-anon since he had returned to aa.... his answer.. "hell no". Quess some things never change.
Enjoy your holiday and remember that we are all affected by this dang disease. Who knows, you might end up with a friend.
I agree with Christy. Taking the high road will never get you lost. Sounds like you are handling the situation well. Hang in there. You'll make it, so will Santa, and soon all will be back to "normal."
Best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
wow got a video cam? I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall.
lol you are amazing. I would not even consider going. I hope it goes ok. Since you are thinking it out, I bet you do just fine.
If the kid is weird to you, just smile knowingly. Don't give her any energy or let her get to you. I loved my at risk girls. They really are scared inside and don't think YOU like them.
But boy they can put up a front. I learned to love them first. They would be B's and I would say I love you i love you. lol
One borrowed money from me. Would not pay me back. so i followed her ALL day to her classes. she paid me.
then one boy borrowed money, again no pay back, He had this really nice cd player withe headphones, I asked innocently to listen to it. got it, you can have it back when you pay me. ten bucks right in his wallet to me....
those kids just need you to be a cool mom type. most people are scared and intimidated by them. they use that. I agree she has learned to be manipulative. And what kind of woman would come to her ex inlaws???
well hon, be the lady you are. don't allow them to bring you to their level.
Oh, dear, when dealing with my AH's ex, all I think of is "this too shall pass"! I had to see her when we went to Michigan to see grandbaby.
The ex is an A. She's a year older than I am, and I swear, I hadn't seen her in almost 2 years, but she looks like she's twice my age....Hmmmm, that would put her at 104!
All she does is mooch off people, won't work, is now living with her old mom. Doesn't work, never has. When she did, she got fired for stealing. Oh, she's a beaut!
Some friends have asked me if I get jealous being around her, she was AH's first love and all that. Nope. She's gone from being a pretty girl with a cute figure, long dark hair, almond shaped dark eyes...to being....UUUGGG!
She has a big gut, her hair was matted and dirty, she had a hole the size of a silver dollar in her sock....and she was headed out to the bar! She barely gave granddaughter a second look. I swear, I wish I had taken a picture, then if hubby ever says anything about MY weight, or anything negative, I would pull out the picture of HER...say look what you USED to be married to. Blech. I mean, I know we are supposed to have compassion for A's, but this woman is NOT nice, has no morals, and never has. the only thing is, she used to be cute, now she looks like some fat old washed out woman you see sitting on a bar stool chain smoking. Granddaughter ( 2 years old) told her "You not nice to you Mom, Santa won't come see you, " when she was talking hateful to her mom (baby's great-grandma.) I about died. I love how she talks...she always says "him" instead of "he" and "you" instead of "your".....it is so cute and funny.
Anyway, hang in there....as Christy said...take the high road...it will pass. Do Nothing that you will regret later. Let people see how gracious you are compared to her. A gift, nope. I wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't think she would expect to get a gift from you anyway. I always get my step son something he can't sell, but I would never get his mother anything. Never have.
Well stay the sweet and good person you are, just like Diva and Christy said. All will be well. My hubby stays with his ex when he visits his daughter and grandchildren as they all live together. But he stays in granddaughter's room admist all the stuffed animals! lol
I have mixed feelings too about his ex. She's had issues with anger in the past. But somewhere along the line she has managed to forgive hubby and vice versa. So I decided that as long as he's okay with her I'm gonna be okay with it. We've even managed a few civil conversations. But I certainly didn't send down any gifts for her. We decided just to focus on the kids.
As for your stepdaughter. Keep to your boundaries. This is your house and you have the right to do as you choose. Don't let her push your buttons.
Have a Merry Christmas. Count your blessings and enjoy the day anyway.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn, Hubby and Piper Claus
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sheeeeewwweeee! I just can't imagine what that would feel like. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers X-mas day for sure!! And for the rest of you that replyed to imt123's post...I am still laughing histerically all by myself for some of the funny things you all said!! You just make me laugh so much here! It's such a pleasure checking in everyday to see what good humor can be found in not-so-good situations! Have a great/safe weekend ya'll!! Hugs, Korinne
__________________
Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
confusing isn't it? I married a divorced man with a child too. She didn't want anything to do with me. I thought that was sad. I thought it was her mom that caused all the trouble. According to my ex it was. My mil thru our 25 yr marriage kept in close touch with her. They were great friends and my step daughter was her first granddaughter and was special to her. When my mil would come to visit our area she would stay with ex and stepdaughter, that would hurt my feelings...They were divorced and I felt slighted.
Although she was my step daughter, she was my childrens half sister and they really never got to know one another. When my daughter was critically injured in a car accident and my husband (their dad) and I were separated, my step daughter and her mom came to the hospital to visit. I thought what the heck? Don't I have enough going on with out this too? But I kept my mouth shut and noticed that the girls even though there was a 10 yr age difference really enjoyed themselves. stepdaughter and her mom came often..2-3 times a week if not more. Then after she got out of hospital, they still came and visited and things got more comfortable. Stepdaughter started coming by herself. If I am honest she was one of those angels that show up in a time of great need. I will be forever grateful for her help...help doesn't discribe what she did for us. That year although I shake my head at my computer as I start to type this...We all had christmas together...stepdaughter, her mom, my kids, myself, my bro and sis's without the ex...LOL and the great thing was we have never sat down and compared notes about him either. We broke bread, exchanged presents and love. I still can not believe it. I will forever cherish it.
I consider both of them a part of my family now. My children know their sister. I got a wonderful daughter and she has a great mother whom I consider a friend. I don't know if this could have happened sooner or not. Those first few times, they came to my home on a social level I thought I need my head examined.
Now I see how deeply my step daughter loved her mom, who really didn't have any extended family, they had all passed. My stepdaughter couldn't have had fun leaving her mom behind on christmas.
I see that now. I don't think I could of then. I am glad I kept my mouth shut at that hospital and let my hp take over. Ya just never know.
Consider that little nugget one of these posts cited: "your in-laws did not divorce their daughter-in-law". In-laws so often get criticized, but after all, their grand-daughter is the center of this...even IF she is 20 and by cultural standards, an adult. I doubt she is truly mature and an adult...most 20's arent' these days. She needs her grandparents still and she needs her mother and she needs her father. Broken families have to do lots of things they don't like to mend the brokenness the children of all ages feel. So yes, take the high road here. And keep remembering: your in-laws did not participate in divorce...your husband and his ex did that. Everyone else involved is an innocent by-stander but they also have feelings.
heeheehee.... i'm sitting here giggling because my hubby's ex is coming for christmas too. She's been in town since the 15th, doesn't go home until the 3rd, and they all are having dinner at our house on Christmas Day.
It is amazing how having Al-Anon in one's life can make such a big difference. As others have said, taking the high road, being pleasant, etc. is the best thing to do. Her daughters, my 2 step-daughters, have been living here with us for a while. She lives in another state. That is their mom, of course they love her despite whatever issues they have. (She is also an A/Addict according to the girls.)
The older stepdaughter met my oldest son, they developed a relationship, they now live together and have a baby who is 5 months old. She had a son prior to that who is 4 and a half now. The ex is staying with them during this visit.
Yup, not only is she hubby's ex... she is now also the other grandma to my firstborn grandson. Doesn't that just make it all more fun? LOL In a way, this has been good (I think???) because she and I have both had to realize that we now really do share a common bond (the grandson) and that it is better to get along than not. And she has been very pleasant during this visit and the one prior.
I giggled at the reply talking about a video camera, cause we invited my brother and his gf to dinner also, and they joked about bringing one "to catch the fireworks". hahahaha I'm sure it will all go fine. I don't have to live with her, I just have to spend this one day with her. I can do that.
The kids are all getting a good lesson about getting along with others too. I certainly am not adding any fuel to the fire of chaos and drama. They are able to see there is a way to be civil and cordial. That life does NOT have to be a bad soap opera.
Thank you Al-Anon!!! My most valuable lesson here... learning to adjust my own attitude and thinking.
Take care and enjoy your holiday!!!
Luv, Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Unfortunately these situations come about as results of divorces, and more people have to accept this.
A similar thing happened in my family. My sister was married to a wonderful man whom we all loved very much. Right away he was part of the family. He was very warm and loving to all of us. She had a son with him. Then they divorced. She married someone else. The guy she married was nice, but not nearly as close to us as her EX.
Love is not a faucet you turn off and on...
We loved him as a brother and my mom loved him as a son.
Since he was the father of my mom's grandson in our eyes HE is family too and always will be, they are like a mtaching set. We loved their son and he loves his Dad...and wants him with him...and we we do too actually, he is a nice guy. My sister was upset but I had to explain that to her over and over again, "he" comes with her son. We have a relationship with her son, so that extends to his father AND we have a relationship with him too, and that does not mean we don't love the new guy. Of course her new husband comes first, but that does not mean we have to pretend that the EX did not exist AFTER we had already established a relationship with him.
Actually our firm stance sort of helped her in the long run. Since they had a child together he stayed in her life and she eventually softened towards him and got used to that. In fact, when their son was about to be sent to Iraq they all went to visit him and my sister and her husband picked up the EX and his daugther at the airport and took them to the same motel and then they all went out to dinner together and then to an amusement park! They all spent the entire weekend together. That is hilarious! Especially considering the fact that she once told us we could not even say his name around her, LOL.
These ackward situations have to be accepted as normal repercussions of divorces. Like so many wise people have said, take the high road and be gracious, treat her like you would want to be treated if it was you...and your daughter was visiting family and she wanted you with her.
Try not to think she is doing it to upset you. Most daughters like to be with Mom, especially if they have a loving relationship and it is the Holidays. My daughter would want me to come with her too...especially if traveling.
Maybe you could get her a nice simple gift? Hand made soap or something? Something to help this whole ackward thing start out right? She is probably feeling very ackward.
I had a psychology professor in college who told us that she made friends with her husband's EX and that was the smartest thing she ever did, LOL, they had lunch once a month and exchanged presents over the Holidays. She said it was the best gift that she ever gave her husband, that he could have his children with him and have THEM be happy to have Mom there to and know everything was OK...it made them love her a WHOLE LOT and just made everything better for the kids...which is the whole point...
after seeing more posts and thinking about mine, I would like to remove it, or simply refer to the part where 'i'm full of shat'. i reacted instead of responding to your post. i'm sorry.
What is right, and what is easy are commonly very different things... note to self
with love
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My goodness, I didn't expect this many replies! LOL, I just thought it was a weird situation, and just wanted to post it to get it off my chest.
I did want to clarify one thing...I have been civil to the EX the two times we've been together (that Thanksgiving several years ago at the inlaws, and when we moved my stepdaughter down to Fla. to live with her mom). I've been civil to her on the phone the few times that we have talked. I would NEVER dream of starting any kind of confrontation with her either.
There's another part to this story that I just learned about after I posted about her coming for Christmas. A couple of months ago, she apparently had married a guy who lives here in Tennessee (yes, she lives in Florida...). Stepdaughter didn't even tell my A's parents, but she did tell a cousin, with whom she's very close, who lives in California, who relayed it back here to my inlaws. So, now that EX and stepdaughter have arrived here in Tennessee, EX has rented a car and is visiting new husband about an hour and a half away, with her 10-or-so-year-old son. She told inlaws it's about time her son got to know her new husband...
Call me nutso, but I think the whole thing is a bit mixed up. EX is and always has been a bit shy of a full loaf...and it's not that she has been close to my inlaws, they just can't say no. Can you say "ENABLER"?
Anyway, lolol, I will be civil (and I'll also smile when I talk to her...) when I see her tomorrow and Christmas day, provided she isn't spending it with her new hubby...
about this since I knew they all were coming. 
) when I see her tomorrow and Christmas day, provided she isn't spending it with her new hubby...