The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its just been one of those weeks/ months! I feel as though i'm slowly going insane. I see from these boards that i'm lucky that my A is sober (for now) and in recovery. He's actually doing wonderful! I should be in a state of peace right now, knowing he's okay, and he's working his a$$ off to be well and take care of himself. He is being great to me, taking good care of me. Even when he relapsed those couple of times, he never let me see him, he wanted to protect me from his disease. Needless to say, i feel no peace. From the moment he was whisked away to a wonderful recovery center, I was NOT okay. Here I am... left all alone, and not okay. Why is no one whisking me away for help. Why do I not have a center to run to, a sponsor to hold my hand, and a counselor to talk to at any hour. I sit and stare into space, a young woman trying to make it on her own in this world, unfamiliar with the feelings inside of me, and inexperienced with this kind of disease... and i'm all alone to heal on my own. He caused the pain, he hurt everyone, he betrayed me while he was using, and yet he is being surrounded by support, love , attention, and any kind of help at any waking moment. Where is my list of people on speed dial? Why is no one holding my hand right now? Now that he's home, he has outpatient treatment. He is busy! So i'm told, just be supportive, be strong for him. Don't nag him when you don't get enough attention, he's busy, he's busy, he's F*cking busy!!! So i'm told to keep my pretty little mouth shut when i'm lonely and hurt because we don't want to ruffle his precious feathers, or upset him! Its all about the addict. What about us? When I'm crying all alone, or get a little moody, i'm told "I thought you were going to be supportive". What the hell am I doing then? I'm still here aren't I? I'm with him every time he calls, I smile for him, I love him, I hold him, and I never say a word when he is busy, because honestly I'm so happy he is taking care of himself. But why am I "not supportive" when I speak of my pain, or my needs? He says "read the AA book, it will help". Okay!!! Let me just throw a book at you and tell you all your problems will be solved now. He has access to some many that can help, but has he thought to ask "what can i do for my fiance?" "can anyone advise me on a group for her?" NO, he has not! Ugh!!! So sorry for the long vent. I just needed it today. And a hug I just need someone to understand, I need someone to think about ME today, not my addict!
Welcome to Alanon. You are in the right place. This IS the place where it is all about YOU. Even though the conversation seems to easily drift to talking about the A, we're all here for ourselves. That list of phone numbers for YOU is as close as your nearest Alanon meeting, if you have not found one yet!
There is a link you can click on at the top of the page you are looking at for a "real" alanon meeting directory. Depending on your location, there may be a meeting, tonight, very close to you. Most major cities in the USA have meetings somewhere, every day. You may also want to look in your local phone book under Alanon Family Groups, or even call the Alcoholics Anonymous number listed and ask about Alanon. Usually where there is AA, there is Alanon close by!
Hey YES, It's ALL about the A. They get attention, compassion, sympathy, understanding, support, people to care for them, people to take them by the hand to AA meetings. BUT, It Is an Illness, If he had cancer you would NOT feel this way.
But GUESS what BA, this is NOT about him anymore. This Is about YOU, how you feel, how you react, how you cry yourself to sleep at night, waken up In the morning and cry again. How you hate yourself, feel like giving up, YES we have all been there and you know what, We have beat It or are In the proccess of doing It.
You have come to the right place, there are people here for you, to LISTEN to you, UNDERSTAND you, SUPPORT you, HOLD YOUR HAND, whenever you NEED them. You need to realise you have all of this now, and only you can reach out and GRAB It with both hands .
So you have made the first step, you have asked for help, NOW watch It coming to you, But you need to work It too. Stay with this and you will Start to see what YOUR life Is all about.
The resentments you have right now, and you do have LOADS, will In time fade, you will LEARN to forgive and forget. But It won't happen overnight and It won't happen on your own.
So Reach out, Let us be there for you, ACCEPT what's on offer In these rooms.
Looking farward to hearing from you,
Lots of love
Ally
I too was like you, but you get to a stage where ENOUGH is just ENOUGH.
Thank you so much for your support!!! I"m so glad to have found this message board. My mom is helping me find a group near me so i'm excited about my "recovery" now! I never knew there was help out there for us too. I'm still a little confused about some things though; Do we work the steps as well?
AGain thank you all for the help. Reading all of your messages is very encouraging!
It does seem like that even in their recovery it is all about them. For them it is--for us--it needs to be about us. My AH (sober now for almost 4 months)-had a great rehab center, had a big phone list, people checking on him, etc. I had nothing it seemed. I had to be strong for the whole family. Still take care of everything--kids, finances, home--everything-b/c he was so busy (still is actually) working his program and I was so afraid anything might just set him back down that path again. I did go to Al-anon meetings--still do, but in my area that meeting consists of 2 others--they are very nice ladies, but their husbands have been sober for a very long time and I just didn't feel like I had very much in common with them. They never talk(ed) about sponsorship--I still haven't asked, I did get their phone numbers, but haven't used them, I just have a hard time connecting----BUT I have to ask myself, what am I doing? How am I getting in my way? We have had some good face to face meetings with just 3 of us. I come here very often and read and post and this place helps sooo much!
Do you have a Pathways to Recovery book? This is an excellent book for the Al-anon!!! It helps us work on us. It helps put things into perspective and into a better reality. Try to find a face to face meeting! You may really find someone there to talk to or hang out with. Find a new hobby or get back into an old one. Do something nice for you!!!! You are worth it!
I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I also hope you find someone you feel comfortable talking to.
Yes, Al-Anon has sponsors and steps and everything... it is a wonderful place to get the help you are looking for. To be with people that can feel your pain without you having to say a word. I have found website very helpful to me... I am a newbie as well and I can tell you that I have received the most wonderful help and guidance her...
Just remember this will get easier and ALWAYS take care of you!
I totally understand your feelings. I have had them all myself, and occasionally still do. It DOES seem like it's all for the A, and we, whose souls are damaged by their conduct, are left to pick up the pieces of our own shattered hearts.
Take care of yourself, dear one. You can get through this.
(((((((((((((((((BnA2006)))))))))))))))))))))
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to our family. You are certainly not alone anymore. I remember when my hubby first started his road to recovery. It can be very lonely for us. I hadn't found a local alanon group that I liked. It took some time. Luckily this place has been a lifesaver to me.
Recovery is a selfish act. It has to be. For the addict, the only alternatives for them besides recovery, is death or some kind of institution. My AH continually relapsed. It did take him dying and coming back for his sobriety to stick (6 months so far). But remember, our recovery has to be about us and for us, regardless if our A chooses sobriety or not. One thing that has helped us is that we go to local AA meetings, we read our daily meditations together. It's a bond that has grown out of this horrific disease. Perhaps you will be able to do that with your A when you are both ready.
Always remember you are not alone. The beauty of this board is that we are open 24/7/365. Come into the chat room, join us for online meetings. Once you start focusing on your recovery you won't feel so left out. You will become stronger and feel more empowered. Glad your with us. Keep coming back.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((BnA))))) I can so relate to how you are feeling. When me and my Father dropped my A off at a rehab I almost wanted to lie to them and say I had a substance abuse problem also so I could stay....this rehab looked more like a resort than a medical facility lol. I too was very happy he was going for help, but when I got home and was alone....with a 16 yr old, a 9 month old and newborn twins STILL in NICU (they were preemies) I was just beside myself. I remembering thinking how I wish there were alanon "houses" for us to go stay at for awhile to help us start our recoveries, lol. A place where we could just sit, relax, go to meetings, have someone to talk to whenever we needed it. That is why I am sooo thankful they have alanon online with a room like this, where there is someone in here nearly 24/7.
Everyone in here understands everything I feel and everything I am going through.....and everything you are feeling and going through. We all help take care of each other here all the time, it's like a second family to me, and I don't know where I would be without all of them
So welcome to our virtual recovery center, lol, hope you continue to come back.
You are definitely in the right place to learn the tools to cope with this illness. The first thing I learned here are the 3 c's...whether they are drinking or not, this helps. You didn't Cause it, Can't Control it, and Can't Cure it. We are responsible for ourselves, just as the A's are. Another thing that hit me from your post is that you have these feelings of being left, or abandoned by your A, when you are in need. It was all about him...
I've learned that I'm entitled to my feelings, they come and go, but they are mine. I would go crazy b/c my A would not and could not validate me in them, but it's like going to the hardware store for bread. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Best thing I can suggest right now is to attend some f2f meetings, online meetings, and be gentle with yourself in the process...it's about the journey, one day at a time. You are not alone in this.
You sound just like Lois, the lady who founded Alanon. Her husband Bill was going to yet another AA meeting (after she had rescued him solo for 17 years) and she got so mad she threw a shoe! That's when she knew she needed a program for HER.
I bought her book "Lois Remembers" and I found a tape of hers in the public library. She's passed away now, but she was a wonderful woman with a lot of strength. Her dad was a doctor and she was highly educated. She never lost love for Bill, he was an incredible man with a terrible disease.
There's speaker tapes on this site, books to buy, other good stuff here. But face to face meetings in your area are really good for human contact, phone numbers, sponsor and support.
Even at my Alanon meetings, I have to walk through the AA meetings to get to the bathroom, and the AA's have cake and coffee and are always laughing, and I can feel the same feeling of "hey, why do they get all the goodies??" but I know they have some serious problems that they are getting help for. I'm glad they're there, and I'm glad I'm where I am.
Your responses have been overwhelming. I never would have imagined that so many people actually know exactly how i feel and don't think i'm insane:) Its such a relief. This is such a hard time for me and B. He does not understand my feelings. In fact he said lastnight he thinks I just want attention, or that i'm playing it up in my head. Wow, slap in the face! In a way he is right though, I do want attention, I want my feelings acknowledge!!
I'm very excited about my new journey. I look forward to finding a f2f meeting, and finding a group/family of my own. Thank you all so much for your support!
Hello from Australia and welcome to your new family. We truly understand your rollercoaster ride and will help you get through the ups and downs. We will never judge you but will support you in any way we can. Keep posting. Luv Leo xxx
Keep coming back! Be gentle with yourself! I remember when my life was such a mess, sometimes it still is, but as much as before. Hang in there, work the program.
Welcome and good luck to you - you are not alone and there is lots of support and love both here and in your face to face. It is time to put the focus on you and heal you. Alcoholism is a family disease - we all get sick - and we get angry and resentful - but now you will learn how to take care of you and your needs - the most important person here. Keep coming back, it really works and you can post any time day or night.. We're here for you!
I just got done reading your post about needing someone to realize how much we, as the family member suffer and I totally agreed with everything you said. I should be so excited and happy that my A is in treatment and has been sober for 3 months, but I am just so angry still and I feel so alone. My A is my mother-in-law and we had a serious, violent altercation before she decided (well, was persuaded) to get some real help. My husband has seen this so many time that he is just numb to it all and I feel like I am the only one who really is hurt by what she has done to my family due to her addiction. But now that she is in treatment I am supposed to act like everything is awesome and be really happy for her that she's getting well, but all I can think about when I see her is what she did to me and how much that pisses me off. My anger is starting to control my life and I feel just like you do...I need someone who I can call and they can talk me through this recovery so I'm not doing it alone. I need a list of numbers of people who have gone through the same thing I have and who truly understand. I also sometimes feel that my A is only in treatment because she thinks that what we want for her, not because she wants it for herself. But if I say that I am sabotaging her recovery?? Well it's how I frickin feel, and doesn't THAT matter too?
Alcoholism is such a selfish disease and I feel like I am catering to her every need and tiptoeing around every topic for HER to get better. Maybe I need to start being selfish too. Maybe I need to say "no I don't want to see her today and I don't care if that's not helping" or "no I don't forgive her for what she did while she was drunk and I don't care if she can't 'recall' the incident, it still happened and it hurt me" ya know? Why are we supposed to drop everything for this person who has hurt us so many times to get better? It's really not fair. Well, in my desperation I came here to this group and started attending church on a regular basis and I wish I could say I am all better now, but I feel I have a long way to go. I was just so relieved to see someone else who understood what I was going through when I read your post. I am glad we're not alone.
I just need someone to understand, I need someone to think about ME today, not my addict!
