The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's Courage to Change is about Step 8: Making a list of those we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. The author suggests returning to our step 4 inventory to help refresh our memories. Asking ourselves which situations we have been in where our character defects might have lead us to cause harm is another technique. The author also encourages us to reflect on harm that could have been caused despite the most honorable intentions. The part of the reading that stuck out most to me was the idea that, once we become clear about the harm we have caused, it becomes possible to make changes and amends so we feel better about our behavior and how we relate to others.
Today's Reminder: An eighth step list helps me to let go of guilt and regret I may be carrying from the past. I will approach this step with love and gentleness because I take it for my own freedom.
Today's Quote: "...Our actions have consequences, and sometimes other people get hurt. By taking Step Eight, we acknowledge this fact and become willing to make amends." ...In All our Affairs
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I've done step 8 a few times, and I'm sure I've read today's C2C before, but before today, the part I bolded above about making changes didn't stand out to me. I thought of steps 8 & 9 as a way to own my past mistakes, as a way to release guilt, as a way to repair relationships with others and myself. What I didn't notice about step 8 & 9 until this morning was that it isn't just about making amends, it is also about making changes. In one of my groups, we discussed the idea that making changes is part of making amends, because how can we seriously make amends if we go about life with the exact same behavior? But somehow the placement of these words in today's reading stand out more prominently. For me, they offer a sequential approach, maybe a transition to step 9. First, in step 8, we make a list of those we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them. As a transition, we can begin to change our behavior, before we make amends in Step 9.
Anyway, as I look back at my year, I find that in some places I was able to make changes and amends easily. In others, I've attempted to make amends, but have not made changes. Something for me to work on with my new awareness, I think.
I hope you make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks Skorpi for your service and a great share. I finding getting rid of guilt very important, and so is making changes, which I think Alanon encourages in many ways. I think I have made amends to all I have harmed, but in reading the daily I think I will review my actions and see if I have covered all the bases. I appreciate this reading today, Lyne
Aloha Skorpi and mahalo for your service especially this most important daily share. I am sure I will meditate on it thru the day.
Learning to forgive my alcoholics and alcoholic addict was an amend making for me because it taught me to get rid of blame which was one of my powers I used to rid myself from guilt over what I had held over my alcoholics and alcoholic/addicts heads. I would not let them free of being responsible for hurting me and angering me by their behaviors. I was good at it, spent the time and commitment to doing it right and powerfully and to change this thing that I used often was almost unthinkable.
I learned that to make amends was to make change and my 4th steps went back in history while my 9th steps brought me into the present. I learned a lot especially about my victims often carried the responsibility for the wrongs I had done in the past...often for years. How very surprised they often were as I stepped forward...named the wrong doing and owned my part in it, holding myself responsible and willing to correct what might still need to be corrected and yes my alcoholic/addict former wife was at the top of the list also.
Our program works when we work it and the payoff is miraculous. I'm staying with it. Thanks again. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all above me for your shares and ESH. What I love about this reading and our program of recovery is that when we keep an open mind, we will have ongoing awareness of opportunities for change. As I have grown and changed, I've become more willing to accept what is and no longer pine for what is not. As the 'fog cleared/clears' I am more and more aware that most of what is going on is not about me. The more I accept my humanism, the more attractive I am to others and the healthier my relationships are.
I believe that all that stands between ourselves and true harmony with all is our ego. When we accept what is and rely on a HP for direction, we are set free to see more clear our part and what changes we can make to be/do better. I fundamentally believe that while evil exists, more often than not, I have been harmed by well-meaning people - or indifferent at times. I used to believe my 'guys' did what they did to anger me or _____________ me. I no longer believe that as I now see my part, see changes I can make and that includes realizing what they do/say/not do/not say is about them and not me.
I love that the real definition of amend is to change. It's easy to find patterns of harm we caused others, with the best of intentions usually. It's a bit harder to be willing to make changes in self so we don't repeat the harm, in like circumstances. Today, I can clean up my side of the street even when the other side is messy, chaotic, crusty or worse. I have no need to play the insanity tapes over and over again - instead, I can use this program and steps to see my part, make amends if/when necessary and then move forward growing and changing along the way.
It does work when we work it - and the payoff is miracles with freedom from the bondage of self. (((Hugs))) to all and hope Wednesday has been awesome!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for your service, Skorpi, and for all the shares. Making changes as a way of making amends spoke to me a lot. I have not gotten to steps 8-9 yet, but I'll be there soon.
Thank you Skorpi for your great share.....Yea, I don't want the "guilt trip" of unfinished business so steps 8,9 are big for me...SOME folks are just not safe to approach..very few in my life, but I DID share my part in our "they don't exist to me anymore" relationship...a sibling comes to mind...he has made statements that he wants to murder me..literally...I angered him by getting into recovery and "outing" my offenders and telling my aunts and uncles why I was going into recovery....he was off the charts, angry....His dear "dad" was more important to him and I get it..some folks just cannot face that kind of evil exists in their family...he, too, is a wife abuser...not an offender, but a abuser and heavy heavy drinker.....my hate for him has turned into feeling sorry for him that he is in that dark place, letting his hate for me eat him alive...i am VEEEERY gr8ful that I am not in that dark place anymore where I cannot "sort something out" with another...I guess my part in our "relationship" if you want to call it that is I outed and aired the family dirty secrets w/out naming names, but yea, I did tell my aunt and uncle who ASKED me "why are you going into recovery??? whats wrong????" so I told them...AND they were not surprised...angry, but not surprised.....I don't , to this day, know what amend i would "owe" this guy but to just do it for me (amends) clean ME up...work on ME...help ME recover so I can be a better person, be in a better place....and OMG...talk about being gr8ful for not being in his shoes....Yea, BIG time gratitude....sadly I am the only family member in recovery/12 steps or any other recovery...so the buck (dysfunction and toxic behavior) will stop HAS stopped with me....
I truly want to be "current" in any amends I may owe another...hence my regular working of the steps 4, 10 to find........face..........finalize anything i might need to address...whether or not they forgive me is their choice and its "OK" if they don't want to....the amends is for me...for them, too, but if they can't/won't forgive, I still can be free because I took responsibility....felt sorrow for harming them....faced them with it......asked for forgiveness.......made necessary/possible amends to them........its done when I do that........I don't know what I did to my older daughter to make her just cut me off....I have asked her "what did I do???" " can we talk???" she just ignores me........so what I did was tell her that whatever it is, it was not intentional , with malice in my heart, and the only thing I can do , since she refuses to talk with me, is to continue to work on being a better person..........younger daughter, who IS in recovery, and I have a healthy relationship...we sort things out...we are open, honest, willing and humble with each other......if I can't "discuss" stuff openly and honestly with someone, it really isn't a relationship, IMO....If I can't make a human mistake and have the opportunity to sort it out, I guess there is nothing i can do but let them go...work on me....do life.....do life as well as I can......detach from those whom I can't be a human with.........
sorry, I posted so much....She comes to mind because my b-day is coming up on Sat. younger daughter is the 27th and SHE is 11 Oct...all of us are close in b-days....younger daughter and I will have a good phone chat....not expecting anything from the other......kinda sad!!! I got hung w/out a trial or even a charge for which I can offer up an amend or whatever........
