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As the subject line states, I am a bit triggered by this at the moment. I suppose I am just dropping in a line to reassure myself of some reality. I have to ask myself what I am doing here at this moment. It is slightly culturally complicated but in and around that are the things which cross all classes of being, those unlovely isms of which denial is one. A year ago, I had to step in and mediate a wider issue the impacts of which left unchecked would have been negative in many spheres. Today I am asking myself why I bothered. Significant debt incurred, and yes crisis averted (or at least put off for a while) but the total lack of appreciation extends to covert sabotage now. Today I asked a simple question which was met with hostility. Apparently, my competence is not competence but undermining of another. I frankly wish I could put the petulant adult into the corner to sulk like the giant baby it is intimating. I wasn't undermining this person: I was correcting their incompetence which would have served to impact the present and future generations while disregarding totally the hardships of the past generations. The results I gained were a significant improvement in a short space of time versus over an actual decade of getting nowhere. I was also careful to shield that persons incompetence because I felt sorry for them to my now regret. I credit the results to Alanon: put the principle over the personalities.
Life was not easy for me. Did I allow that to be an excuse to blame others? No. Where I am a screw up, I will take full responsibility for it and do my best to do better. When I know I can not do a thing, I don't pretend that I can. I think I learnt that at 24 years old. Where I lack capacity I have no ego issues with searching for someone who does have capacity and frequently I wish I wasn't the closest thing to capacity available because that would save a lot of stress. Anyway, I am feeling FINE this afternoon. I needed to vent. Do you know what really annoys me? When I am spoken down to by an obviously incompetent person. I will take criticism from people in a place to give it: ie those who have accomplished what I am still seeking to achieve. I look at this person, and there is nothing they have that I want. I watch people use and sneer behind this persons back about their stupidity and get so angry because these are not smart people; they are just dealing with someone who is weak. I am not a weak person, though I have my soft spots. I believe there is some horrid thing happening, where because this FOO member can not exert the influence over matters of basic importance--like living standards--they instead are attempting to dominate me. This is beyond messed up.
I will hang in here for a bit longer. There is no point in rushing and besides I have just today discovered a minor but potentially serious health issue so stress is a bad idea. I have three more years and six weeks of this semester to go for a degree I have wanted for a long long time. I will not throw the baby out with the bath water. I do so miss the convenience of life away from my FOO!
Sounds like you are having one of those days. It can be tedius to be around FOO. Mine were not in recovery, so when I visited they were playing their family "role" ( Alanon Merrygoround of Denial Pamphlet) and well expecting me to fall into an old role I'd broken out of due to Alanon recovery. There can be a price as you know to be recovering. My family didn't understand it or understand why I acted differently, responded rather than react. I was once on a phone call with my sibling who does not know I'm in recovery and doesn't know what Alanon is. I responded to their tirade with a calm voice and compassion. Before Alanon, they'd grown accumstomed to the me engaging, arguing etc. Their response to my new recovery response was to not use "that psychology chit" on them. I still love them. When I got my "fancy" college education, I felt hurt that despite the fact that they were proud of me; some displayed jealousy. In that moment, unlike some other moments.. I wanted them to see me as good old FOO member. "Hey, it's me! I haven't changed!" You see, I wanted to have it both ways, yet I was picking and choosing when I found them acceptable. Yep, they drove me nuts at times. Boy, it sure could kick up the bad old days. They were just being themselves. They never promised to be different. My exah did. When he left me homeless, they took me in even with my new"fancy" education. Of course they did, we're family.
I hope if nothing else, I made you laugh a little. Sounds like you are understanding where they are at and yeah, principles above personalities is the best tool of all for FOO. Keep taking care of you and your health. Good luck with your studies. It sounds like you've found something you're very passionate about. Keep that fire burning :) (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks TT! Yes it has been one of those days, and I forgot all about that "psychological chit" rebuff. Moral of the story, one can't win by expecting insane to be sane. I can move out... but I have far too much knowledge to be forced out. I won't hesitate to make things difficult if things are made difficult for me. This brings me comfort so I will stay and finish the degree. I am so grateful that my children will never experience this rubbish honestly. They might have very unexciting lives in the interim but never will they be forced to play emotional chess. So. Started the day feeling like trash, going to bed feeling like I have a spine and I think I like it!
(((a4l))) - It is FOO that I learned many things - good and not so good. I also find time with FOO can really test me and am reminded that family, above all others, really knows how to push our buttons as they installed them! I am the youngest in my birth family and the only girl. I spent my formative years being pushed down, talked down, put down and the like. I can honestly say that many, many times I have wondered if we really do have the same parents as we are so, so different!
All I truly know is that for me, spending time with FOO really gives me gratitude. After the shock and processing of the insanity, chaos and whatnot, I feel seriously grateful that I have a program, I am working on a spiritual life with full authenticity and tons of friends who are my chosen family. My family members unfortunately don't have what I have and I consider what we have in recovery is priceless!
Sending you tons of thoughts and prayers for strength and courage to just keep being you! You're awesome as you are and what others think about us is not our business and certainly does not define us! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I still love them. When I got my "fancy" college education, I felt hurt that despite the fact that they were proud of me; some displayed jealousy. In that moment, unlike some other moments.. I wanted them to see me as good old FOO member. "Hey, it's me! I haven't changed!" You see, I wanted to have it both ways, yet I was picking and choosing when I found them acceptable. Yep, they drove me nuts at times. Boy, it sure could kick up the bad old days. They were just being themselves. They never promised to be different. My exah did. When he left me homeless, they took me in even with my new"fancy" education. Of course they did, we're family.