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This issue is not about my RAXH. This is about my 18 year-old son who lives with me.
In July I came home early from work to find a vape pen on the couch. Confronted kid. It was weed. His reasoning was that it helped him with social anxiety (actual) and sleep issues (not sure about those). Marijuana is legal in CA. However, I explained it is not legal for MINORS. So we talked about my boundaries. My house, my rules. Period. I took away his pen. Told him I needed to think upon my response to this, and it may take a few days. It did. I finally realized that once he is 18, I cannot control what he does (could I ever, really?). So the important thing was MY boundaries regarding drug and alcohol use in my home. I told him that what he does on his own time is his business. Once he turned 18, I would give him his pen back, but he was not to use it in the house, or in my presence. I also talked a lot about addictions... especially behavioral addictions, since that what can happen with weed. I explained my views on weed usage. I even bought him some CBD oil to help him with his anxieties and sleep issues (it does not have the THC in it & works very well for these issues). Because of my Al-Anon tools and my sponsor, I was able to deal with this effectively... so I thought.
Fast forward to last night. I walk into the bathroom after he had showered, and it smelled of weed! WTF???
I went to him and asked, "What's the deal with this in the house?" "Why are you purposefully crossing my boundaries?" His began an excuse, and I told him, "No! No JADE'ING!" "No justification, no reasoning about this!" "You purposefully crossed boundaries I have in place to have serenity in my life, and in my home!" "This is strike two for you!" "If you want to continue to push my boundaries, and you get Strike 3, then you have to find another place to live!"
I then broke down crying and admitted that I hate being the "TOUGH LOVE PARENT." I am angry that he is creating this. I am angry that I have been feeling like I am back to the place of "Do I smell smoke?" "Is he crossing my boundaries again?"
I then said that I need to think on this. I have not told his dad, nor my parents (with whom we are renting the back house) about his 3 transgressions ( 1 with alcohol - not repeated, and now 2 with weed). I talked to him about hiding facts... that it is not healthy for me, so I have to think about letting people know about this... mainly so they will have some understanding if I have to kick you out. Of course he is exclaiming that it won't ever go that far.
I am sad to say I told him, "That is what they all say, son."
I then told him that I can't make him seek recovery (if he needs that). So I told him he needs to really look at this situation... if he finds that he can't stop this, it's a problem. If he finds there are negative consequences surrounding his usage, then it's a problem. If he finds himself constantly trying to justify his actions around this, then it's a problem. So far I've heard justifications and he is on the verge of being kicked out of a very comfy living arrangement... so I call that A PROBLEM!
I then went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I awoke today saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. Currently, I am still not sure how I am going to handle this. All I know is that I need to call my sponsor, and I checked in here.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Peace.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for your support, Betty. I am thinking that I have to go back to Step 1 about this.
What do you all think about telling his father and my parents about this? I have had some feedback that it may ruin the open communication we as parent and son enjoy. But I also don't want to enable this behavior.
Thanks!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - my experiences surrounding 'this' will probably cause you greater stress. What I will say is for those who might have addictive tendencies, I do believe MJ can be a gateway drug as many suggest. For those who don't, they can probably smoke/use much like a non-alcoholic - 1 drink, and be done. The brain, thinking, etc. of an addictive person is just wired way differently. And, much as you suggest, whether he is/is not of that nature, you still are powerless. Step One is a great place to start.
We talk about parenting and the challenges. While we have similar experiences, the back-story can be different. Mine too had signs of depression, anxiety, and one of two has sleep issues. I believe him, as I do also. What I do believe and know to be true for myself is that self-medication never served me well. I have ad addictive personality/brain. If the instructions say, "Take 2 every 4 hours, my mind immediately thinks 4 will do a great job then." It's a perpetual, constant battle for addictive minds - hence my pause signature - it's greater than what's written.
I have stepped out of the liaison role completely though. A wise counselor once suggested to me that if they want to 'adult' then they need to step up and own their issues/communications. When my oldest was on papers with court, and had a major relapse, I told him I would drive him to rehab only after he informed the courts, the probation officer, etc. You see, I found it exhausting and draining to have to drive them to rehab to begin with (many times)....add to that the notifications for school, job, court, coaches, etc. - it was adulting that they needed to learn.
If you feel strongly that others in his life need to know, then perhaps give him ownership of that with a deadline. That's what I did. I no longer inform my husband of relapses - I allow my boys to do so when they see fit/are ready. Of course, if it's urgent (jail, hospital, etc.) I have the right to disclose. I do know that living with this disease, and being affected by it did change me and how I view 'experimentation'. Right or wrong, doesn't matter - I do agree that it's your home and you get to set boundaries that you can/can't live with. Take good care of you and know you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I might suggest that he talk to his dad about this and if he is not willing I would say this is a serious problem and I will need to review it with his dad I probably would leave Grand parents out .
(((((PnP))))). Vent away... You did well at drawing your boundary, I can only imagine the prospect of kicking out your son... 17 (or was he 18 already, I don't remember) isn't much but it isn't little either, though... What comes to mind for me regarding telling/not telling about the kid to other family members is - when in doubt, don't. For some reason I find sometimes I feel compelled to make a decision fast when in fact there is no real rush. I think its most likely my way of trying to "do something" to make the bad feelings go away faster. Sending prayers your and your son's way.
OMGOSH .. I just PM'd you .. parenting is not for sissies .. I am dealing with something similar only with what I call body mutilation based on looking more masculine. What he does on his time .. his business .. however your ass better be back at school and you better have banks 5k. If no .. sorry for you. I can't do this again and just like you he's pushing me and I'm not sure exactly why that is .. it doesn't matter .. my house .. my rules at this point.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity, I PM'd you back. Crazy making for sure!! I feel it will kill me to kick him out, but my sponsor reminded me that I have my tools and my Al-Anon family to support me! She told me, HOPE - Hold On, Pain Ends. The fact is, it will be a really hard life lesson, but probably one my son needs. Actions will tell!!
Aline - My son is newly 18. I have been doing all that I can to live in the same house and treat him like the adult he wants to be. I feel I am doing my part. As for telling people, I took what Iamhere shared and what my sponsor said, and approached him with, "I will give you one week to tell you father, then I will." We then discussed the reasons why he didn't want to do this - all the addict consequences discussions with his recovering father... hmmmmm. I told him maybe that is what he needs. He did mention that the boundaries are for this house, between myself and him... not his father. I actually think that is a good point. My son is an adult. As such, if he was living alone, he would never tell his father about his weed usage. I probably wouldn't know either. This led to a big discussion of how and why he uses it, what his opinion about it as a "gateway drug," about the possibility of it "turning on" an addictive gene. It was a good discussion, all coming back to basic respect for my wishes. My house, My rules! Like you said, I felt like I needed to "DO SOMETHING RIGHT AWAY." And like you said, it was more about my feelings.
Thank you everyone for your ESH!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey (((((((((((PnP))))))))))))))))) I agree with Betty...Dad should know IF he doens't tell dad, then I would....G/Parents don't need to know at this point...I'm so sorry, bit I see another addict in the making....my oldest started wtih "harmless" stuff like pot...then it went to "lets try coke (her X husb, then B.F) so yea, they tried coke...she got so hooked, it went into meth......I just hate to see you go trhough this, but WOW!!! your boundaries were GREAT....You know, now that you cannot control an addict or one in the making, but you CAN control what YOU will live with, put up with etc......sending you love and hugs and TONS of support
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
The whole clinging to my recovery situation brings back some very vivid memories for me. When beginners/newcomers think about struggling, tough times, even rock bottom -- and the same can be for seasoned people -- we tend to think pre-recovery. However, I've found that even after living a life of recovery, finding recovery, etc. -- there can still be struggles, triggers, and what we know as our own relapses. Yes, we have them too, LOL.
I've had to go back, to the very beginning -- and when it's happened to me -- it was NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES, that not only was my problem, but it was also my solution. Ironic how that happens, LOL. It tends to be another person, an interaction with them, a dynamic, that causes me to slip, relapse, etc. I get that, an alcoholic, addict, whoever it might be -- and there it is. So, for me, it's always been the same thing -- nothing changes if nothing changes, sticking to my boundaries, and taking action. Letting go as people say is more philosophical and meta-physical to a certain extent, it's the concept that allows it. The same with praying -- I pray, but I know that God won't "do it for me" so to speak. I pray -- as the steps specifically say -- for knowledge of his will...and the power to carry that out. I need the power and I need to carry it out. It doesn't say he will do it for me. That's just me, but as well, alanon is a spiritual program, not a religious one, and that's just me, my experience, perspective, and how I recovered.
Thank you for posting this and for being so open, honest, and vulnerable. Keep doing what you are doing. WOrk your program, your recovery, and as we all know -- it works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 18th of September 2018 12:00:05 AM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
It is a tough tough road dealing with addiction in our kids (if that is the case) . I have had a similar situation and eventually had to evict my daughter from a condo we owned after several major boundary crossings. I thought I would never ever be able to do that but I did and I survived. At that time, I did not know how serious her addiction was about to become, but looking back I do not regret my decision. It did not stop the progression but it was the beginning of me starting to parent in a different way and enforce some boundaries. "If you are going to disrespect my property, have parties, cause issues with noise complaints etc then you are like any other tenant and you must leave. In fact I wrote her a formal eviction notice. She was 19 at that time.
It sounds like you are very on top of what is happening with your son. Keep on keeping on . The best thing we can offer our kids is a parent in recovery.
Bo and Serenity47, thank you for your support and wise words... it is indeed back to Step 1 for me and this issue!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((pnp)))) I'm sorry both you and your son are struggling. You are using some very good Alanon tools especially HOW honesty, openness and willingness in your communication with him. One thing most of us learn early in Alanon to be mindful that our words and actions match. If we set boundaries, it's suggested if needed, we be prepared to follow through on the boundaries we set.
A sense of powerlessness over alcoholism can be so hard to accept. It's such an awful disease. Please keep taking care of yourself. It's great you have a sponsor to call on. Keep sharing, we're here for you! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you TT, sometimes I wonder about my actions... it is good to see other program people point out that there are things I am doing right! LOL!
Right now I am back to working Step 1 with Powerlessness, and mostly Acceptance that I will stand by my boundary if it comes to that. Not a happy feeling, but I keep reminding myself it is not a feeling I need to sit with today!
Peace to you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PNP .. I had to share a funny with you last night I knew I needed to make some peace with my oldest and we do pizza night Monday's since it's cheap dinner .. lol. Well .. the child made me LOL .. because comes back with well gee mom since you are doing dinner tonight I will buy Friday night .. umm .. NOOOO .. was my response .. December comes around really fast and you got a deadline kiddo .. I would be saving every single penny to make that happen because 350$ will be due sooner than later.
The priceless look on his face was to funny bless his heart .. he really thought I had changed my mind in inviting him to have dinner with us .. no kiddo .. I still mean it .. I love you however you need to go .. LOL.
Hugs .. it really gets better .. good sleep def gives perspective.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I was dealing with this -- a step-son who was hooked on heroin -- it was a day to day, minute to minute saga. At it's worse, everything revolved around him, where he was, where he was going, who was he with, and so on. As they say -- you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving. All of the discussions, confrontations, discussions, etc. -- everything was a lie, everything was deflection, denial, arguments, blame, etc. Excuses, reasoning, he had every reason that he was drinking, smoking pot, etc. -- because he swore he wasn't using heroin. Forget about the bloody paper towels we used to find around the house, the syringes, the stolen money and personal property, none of that meant anything because he wasn't using.
nohen we set boundaries -- I stood by them and his mother didn't, even though she said she would, warned him, told him; and they even had a parenting contract between them. The therapist thought that would be a great idea and would work...guess what...it didn't work!!! The therapist did not understand that, simply put, he did not want to quit using drugs!!! So, my boundaries were there, and they were violated -- and it got to the point where I would not bail him out of jail, pay for an attorney, or give him any money. His mom couldn't do those things -- so she blamed me and was angry at me, etc. I had to accept that. She too was sick -- she was enabling him, was co-dependent on and with him, and was so immersed and enmeshed in him. My boundaries got violated -- and I did what I said I was going to do. It caused some strain and stress between me and his mother. However, I stood my ground. I would not allow any drugs in my home, or certain friends of his in my home. The first time he violated the latter, then all friends were prohibited from my home. When he violated the former -- he was no longer allowed in my home. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. His mother had gotten arrested -- for drugs being in her home -- so no way was that going to happen to me! No way. So, he wasn't allowed in my home.
I told both of them -- you can do whatever you want in your own home, but you can't do that here. I had my boundaries and I HONORED THEM.
Unfortunately, you arrive at a point where you have to live "on guard" and with a heightened awareness as to what is going on in your own home. It is one of the byproducts of having your world and your home and your family infiltrated by drug addiction. Unless the alcoholic/addict -- goes to detox/rehab, IOP, AA/NA, goes to meetings, works their program, and is truly committed to living a life of recovery -- everything else doesn't matter because they don't want to quit! They don't want to do what it takes to get clean and sober.
I did warn, alert his family -- other than his mom. I told his siblings why he wasn't allowed in my home. I told his uncle why. We didn't do holidays in my house any longer simple because he could not attend -- he wasn't allowed in my house! He swore it would never get to that point. One night he showed up at my house and wanted to "talk to" his mom. Why they couldn't talk over the phone...of course...he wanted her to give him money. He blamed me for coming between him and his mother. I said I wasn't getting into with him -- but that he and his mom were still the same, just not in my house. I told him his mom was free to go home to her house and hang out with him, and she had to tell him she wanted to spend time at my house. He yelled and screamed about why couldn't be at their house, just so that he could hang out with us. She said she wanted to watch a movie and cook with me, just me and her, and he was angry. He threatened me. I took it and all I said was -- he was allowed at my house until he did what I had said wasn't allowed...and I asked him...are you saying you didn't do it? And he kept deflecting, justifying, excuses, rationalizing, etc. I finally said, I rest my case. Was I trying to make a point? Prove something to him? Was I trying to convince him? I sure was. I stopped. I got better. Not easy to do of course.
All of it is a problem -- but the addict/alcoholic never sees it that way. If they don't want to quit -- then everything they do is OK. It has to be. And in my experience, many times, they want us to be OK with it, and they want us to play a role -- give money, permit it, be involved in the drama, etc.
This is never easy. I think/feel it was easier for me as he was not my son, and although growing up he was, by this time, I had already detached and needed to do so for my own well-being, peace, serenity, etc. I talked to my sponsor every day for several months -- because of the hurt this was causing me. I immersed myself in acceptance. I immersed myself in powerlessness. I let it go. I made sure I was there for him, but in a healthy and supportive way. I wasn't going to do for him what he wanted me to. If the addict/alcoholic is angry at you...then you are doing something right!
The alanon program, the steps, mindset, philosophy, etc. -- similar to the tough love scenario -- is not easy when it comes to a child. In the end -- not giving them money, not allowing them in the home, making them move/leave the home, knowing they are sleeping in the car, at friends, on a couch, whatever, all of it is not easy. However, the alternative...is worse. Just my perspective/experience, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
