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Post Info TOPIC: ODAT 8/9/18 Anger, Detachment


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 599
Date:
ODAT 8/9/18 Anger, Detachment


Today's author acknowledged the draw to let anger bloom at the thought of mistreatment from others. Detachment is not the easy choice, but it helps us avoid damaging ourselves and others.

Runaway anger and frustration opens the door to our harming innocent members in our lives and can add to existing damage caused by the drinker.

Today's Reminder - Many are the reasons for staying away from resentment. They include benefits to those around us, and less damage to our own mind and spiritual state.

"If any man among you seem to be religious and bridleth not his tongue, he deceiveth his own heart; this mans' religion is vain." - Epistle of James
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When I found AlAnon, I was full of anger and resentment at my qualifier. I was convinced that actions of my qualifier were the of my extreme unhappiness and unmanageable life. I allowed my unsuccessful efforts to change and control people, places, things, and situations to fuel my own bad behavior toward my qualifier and those around me.

AlAnon helped me see that my happiness and serenity does not depend on the things outside of me. I get to make a choice of how I see and respond to the things around me. If I am unhappy, resentful, or angry it is because I am choosing to be.

Detachment is one of the powerful tools AlAnon pointed me towards, and with practice works well when I use it, as do all of the tools of the program. So grateful for the reminders



__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Good Morning Paul, I too was filled with unacknowledged anger and resentment when i first entered the doors of alanon. I did not posses the tools to express anger in a healthy manner and so I denied it, pretended all was well an went on my way. This resulted in my being filled with self pity and resentment. Enter program listening at meetings, letting go of my tool of "denial" helped me to express my deep anger and resentments in a healthy manner, in a safe place where no one would gossip about what i said or give me advise.

Using the slogans and the Steps brought me into honesty and gave me the courage to face life with acceptance and let go of blame, judgement . I began to learn how to live life on life's terms and not my own
I too found detachment and the slogans a great tool in this process
Thanks for your service.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Paul and Betty. This is always an excellent reminder to myself to let go and let God. Holding onto anger and resentment prevents me from enjoying my life. And prior to alanon, that was a go to place. I actually had no idea what peace and contentment felt like. I have a whole new way of finding serenity that does not depend on others. Progress not perfection, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Paul, for your service, and to those who shared.

Funny this was posted today. I was having dinner with a close friend last night and she had mentioned, "Wasn't I angry at my Qualifier for all that had transpired over the year?" And I was able to truly answer from my heart, "No, not now. I have learned that I can choose to be angry and resentful and therefore miserable in my life, or I can choose to keep moving forward... I have all that power."

So this today just reaffirms what I am living! I am CHOOSING to cultivate serenity within myself!

This was definitely NOT how I entered the rooms of Al-Anon! And I am not working my program perfectly... I do sometimes slip back into feeling resentful and the pity party. But now it's only with very specific things and the feeling is very brief. Thank you, Al-Anon and MIP for helping me through this very rough year!

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Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine



~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Paul for your service and the daily!!! Much, much appreciated. Thanks to all above me for your shares and ESH.

When I arrived, anger was my go-to reaction. It took me time in recovery, and a willingness to work the steps to figure that out - when I was sad, I acted mad. When I was anxious, I acted mad. Others around me felt I was always mad - and they were right!

I am grateful the process and program allow me to learn about me and what makes me tick. I no longer entertainment anger/resentments for long at all - both are not luxuries I can afford if I value my serenity. "Life" happens and how I respond today is vastly different than how I used to react before.

Make it a great day all....(((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

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But how do you go from feeling anger to not? This is a step I haven't taken but have thought about a lot lately. I can't even go there with my ah.

But there is a situation in my life I would like to resolve. My MIL (who also has alcohol issues) went for me a couple of weeks ago. She was sober at the time, but the 'attack' made no sense. Vile name calling etc, which my children witnessed. They are young, and don't understand but feel loyal towards me and have accepted my dictum that mil is not welcome at my house.

I have not had an apology. My ah is planning to get the children and mil together at a local park next weekend so that they have contact. My children love her and her absence from their lives probably hurts them.

I am biting my tongue about what happened but raging inside. How dare she?!!

I hate the thought of doing the steps because I don't want to do a searching inventory of myself and apologize to people I have hurt just because I don't want to apologize to her when I don't think I've done anything wrong. Plus, one of the podcasts I listened to said that you have to look at what your part was in this. I don't want to go there. I know she had her non sensical name calling spat at me because she doesn't like me controlling Ah's drinking and I (now) acknowledge that I did badly there, but I can't get past the fact that this is my marriage and none of her business.

I would love to get past this anger.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Meetings, the Steps especially Step 4 through 11 helped me to shed the anger and resentment that i carried for years. i did not have to apologize to everyone buti needed to learn my motives and negative behavior so I could let it go and develop more constructive actions to live by Blaming others and not owning my part really made matters worse

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 866
Date:

 

Hey Paul, thank you a lot for this reminder...when I found recovery (Alanon and ACA) I was a ball of anger and resentment at my qualifiers...as a child, yea, they WERE entirely responsible, but when did my responsibility for self "kick in"  when I was recovered enough to know what was healthy and what was not---when I was mentally able enough to make better choices...THEN its on me to either perpetuate the sickness and ugliness OR change me...and it has to come from me....My happiness and mental health was a choice i made..if i am angry???  address it..set a boundary or sort it out with the other, but take care of it...NOW...b4 it becomes infected.....and yes...now that I am grown up, I can choose how i live..think..behave (with practice of course) work my programme...and yes, detachment, but I don't want to ignore or deny my feelings....get them felt and dealt with, then when boundary is set or the grief has been mourned through, LET GO......thank you Paul for this needed reminder.....Life is a choice away!!!!



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 866
Date:

 

Hey Betty, I, too, denied or stuffed my anger till it blew up from the pressure of holding it in....and yea, self pity and resentments were my constant companions.....the feelings don't go away, they go "under" and now I realize that and working the steps, slogans, talking with a recovery partner, an online meeting, I can sort out this stuff and express my hurt, anger, resentments much better and I am safe, here and can do it w/out being slammed ....also knowing i'm not alone helps....



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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 8822
Date:

A_nother - I was unable to let go of my anger or the past until I embraced recovery for me and nobody else. It all sounded so counter-intuitive to me that by working on me, things would improve but that's exactly what happened in my world. Things are far from perfect, but the program also helped me understand that some of my expectations were unrealistic. Al-Anon meetings, sponsor, steps, etc. all gave me the tools to work through the past and the anger, resentments, etc.

It's a process and things still creep up....especially when I am fearful. Be gentle with you and keep learning, reading, embracing! For me, recovery has been life-changing. (((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 643
Date:

A_nother, I had the same question -- what to do with my anger. I discovered through working the steps that uncovering "my part" was not a punitive, self-blaming process. It was more like a science project... let's get the data, find out the facts, and then come to a conclusion about how to move forward.

It was also a gentle process. I learned that amends did not mean I had to say "sorry" to someone, and could not expect someone to apologize to me. Instead it could mean just changing my behavior towards them, going forward.

Paul, thank you for the posting. I too have learned the power of detachment... it is a real skill that takes continuous practice and does not happen overnight, but over many nights and days, one day at a time.




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