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Post Info TOPIC: Boundaries being ignored ..


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3136
Date:
Boundaries being ignored ..


The past week has been beyond stressful with my oldest and OMGOSH I'm extremely over it. 

My oldest is being incredibly disrespectful and ignoring what I have asked which is DO NOT CALL ME ABOUT THIS AT WORK .. I have a job .. and if I don't have a job you will not have a place to live.  This is not just about you .. I have your brother to support and get him through 4 years of high school and the oldest is burning me into the ground. 

I have a little guilt however not a whole hell of a lot right now that I have blocked texts and phone calls at this point .. I need some peace and quiet and to gain back some of my own ground on what is going on right now. 

I have gone through this with him when he was in the 8th grade and I was working as a receptionist .. I had to leave work weekly because of stomach aches and the nurse was on the phone with me constantly I finally started putting my foot down stating this is interfering with my job .. and I was let go from that place because of attendance. 

We are right back there and I am not going down that path again.  I am angry and I was not nice at what point does someone hear "no" as an answer. 

This situation with the college is not my issue .. and I am being expected to fix it and he won't listen to options .. so I am coming to a place where I am not going to do anymore work after today.  It's either going to workout or its not .. that will be up to God.  I am over it.  This is so not my circus and so not my monkey's even if my oldest monkey is involved. 

My question is at what point is it right to claim my life back as my own and not have it pulled in 50 directions this child is making decisions recklessly and in emotional full tilt .. and I do not understand what is really going on .. because it's not the surface stuff .. this is something deeper.  I have asked child to take a breath and I am told I am an adult .. you are damn straight you are and I won't be dragged into this because of your choices you don't have that right to do that to me.  AND I'm not going to allow that to happen either .. as you want to play at adult then deal with the consequences as an adult. 

I realize that I sound very hard about this however I don't know how to help my kid without enabling him .. there are things I am willing to do .. however I am not paying for another residence .. I am not paying for tuition .. I am not going to allow this kiddo of mine regardless how much I love him to dictate how my financial world will turn that has happened over the years however no more. 

It finally came down to me blocking my phone today because I can't get anything done .. and here I am on here instead of working because I am so upset.  My youngest said to me the other day .. mom you are sure crying a lot lately .. and my response was yes honey .. I am .. I am so incredibly capped out with everything that I am just not able to cope with anything else.  I guess it's better than being angry however I am over the tears right now.  My youngest is very upset because I am .. and that's not fair either .. I really don't know what else to do right now and my oldest is on lock down mode.  He will not listen to anything I have to say.  So why call me at work to argue with me .. I swear this is like dealing with my X and as far as I know kid is sober.  The irrational survival lack of impulse decisions and out bursts are just like an addict.  This is really just like my X. 

Hugs .. S .. I'm just so over it all right now.   



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1289
Date:

My ex insisted on playing the control game with me in the past with phone calls and texts at work or immediately following my Al-Anon meetings.

I did a couple things. First, I let him know I couldn't take his calls or answer his texts at either of those times. That was my time, and where work was concerned, I had responsibilities that required my full attention.

He grumbled about it, yes. And he decided to ignore my boundaries, too, and call or text anyway. So I turned off my phone during those time-frames, or just never answered calls specifically from him and ignored his texts. If it was important he could leave a message. I'd get back to him in my own time.

I got to put the "How important is it?" question to these situations. 99.99% of the time the A's calls were not an emergency. So was it important I answer his calls right away? Nope. Did I have to deal with negative consequences for ignoring his calls? Yep. He's an A, after all, and punishment is one of the games the disease plays. Each situation was unique so each scenario was handled differently. Sometimes I made things worse, sometimes I managed to get through it with my head held high and feeling good.

I understand children can be so different, however. I'm not sure what age you child is. Also if you really do want to try and help but on your time not his. (And I'm assuming this is in relation to what sounds like college stuff - not drugs or alcohol). Would telling him you'd like to sit down and discuss his fears over lunch on the weekend work? (or some suitable time). You're right that it might not halt everything - especially if he wants you to leap and fix at his command.

I was listening to a member share at a meeting last night how his adult daughter managed to drain $40k out of his savings. He stopped enabling her after that, and she's still in financial distress. He's biting his tongue and not jumping in to save her - he's putting himself and his needs and wants first for once.

I was thinking that stepping out of people's way - be they alcoholic or not - falls in with that old saying: "Feed a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll eat the rest of his life." Sometimes that teaching might require some adult knowledge on our part - especially with kids. But a lot of the time that teaching is stepping out of the way to let them figure out the answers to their questions themselves.

Heck, it's just like Al-Anon. We let everyone figure out what's best for themselves. We don't swoop in and rescue. We act in service when we know the call for help is appropriate, and those who receive help in turn offer their service too. What a healthy environment to learn from.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1454
Date:

(((Serenity)))

A lot of Tough Stuff, But I know you will survive it just Great... I have Learned in moments like these, Meetings are a Blessing, and My Al-Anon Family is my Saving Grace :) In Moments like these I Try to "Vote with My Feet!" and Leave the "Adult" to their Choices, tho not easily done when they are Your Child and You Truly want what's best for them, but they are Pulling you Under and Not heaving the advise to begin with...

Yes, you need your Job, and that is a boundary I wouldn't be able to break. Because you are Responsible yet to your Other Child, So I want to Scream.. TAKE CARE OF YOU! but I Also know in these times, with our Children... That isn't always our First Go too...

When I See the Disease lurking in those I Love, those are the Moments I Have to Surrender, and Give it to God... Because the Moments are too Heavy for me...

So Thank you for your Share, because I too Needed My Own ESH at this Moment.. "Surrender to HP". Just know you are Being lifting in my Thoughts & Prayers and Remember... This too Shall Pass My Friend ;)

Thanks for Sharing

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:

Hi serenity I readily identify with you post. I am fairly new at putting my program to practice but boundaries are very hard for me. I am tired of other people, family in particular, thinking that whats mine is yours and vice versa. The guilt, remorse and distorted thinking that comes with living with the effects of alcoholism make it hard for me to sort out this stuff.  I am at a place where I am asserting healthy boundaries for the first time and other people don't always like it. Very hard for me. But so worth while and I probably wont move on in my own recovery if I don't. Thanks for your post.



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Ginny Cook


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 949
Date:

((Serenity)) I read what you said and masked the part that identified the other person as your child. Without knowing that, it sounds like an addict's behavior. Fix my mistakes NOW. Keep me from the consequences of my behavior NOW. QUICKER.
I think it's because addicts' behavior is like a child's. It's just not taking responsibility for their own actions. That's all. (As if it's easy!)
I know the two of you will find what works.
Look how far - amazingly far- the two of you have already come.

In support every day, Jill


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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 16282
Date:

(((Serenity)) this too shall pass . Please do Be gentle with yourself

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 901
Date:

((((((Serenity )))))))

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Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 8822
Date:

(((Serenity))) - my boys did not respect my boundaries until they figured out they were solid. I spent my life saying No means No, yet with this disease, that sometime, some where became No means maybe and if we pester, push, shout, etc., we can get the No changed to Yes or Whatever (which to them meant yes).

Say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it mean. It will pass and you will both grow from this even if it doesn't feel good now. One Day at a time Girl! You got this!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 4992
Date:

I've not been posting much but I have followed your posts and your honestly an inspiration. The way you keep your sense of humour and your mother instinct is so strong as well as your program and thank you for sharing your journey. My youngest is 21 now and I now live alone. Which is tidy living and I'm enjoying many aspects. I would love to say that my youngest little bird took advantage of my mother love and flew the nest when he was ready but unfortunately I had to push him out too. Due to unacceptable behaviour and after many chances and help etc. It's looking like it was the right thing as he seems to be swimming rather than sinking. Our relationship has improved greatly and we are finding our way as equals in this new shift in our relationship. It took alanon to help me see that sometimes loving truly loving is not in line with the mother role I had for myself. Sometimes it's letting go and being in the background praying that if it works out 'Good' or 'bad' based on my small perspective then it was all valuable learning and it would be all ok. Take care of yourself and your youngest this is your main responsibilities. X

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3136
Date:

Thank you for the support all this has really been hard for me and it's taking a toll on my relationship with my kid. It IS like dealing with an alcoholic.

I haven't been as nice as I could about this however I am tired of talking to a wall and getting pushback and this kid doesn't know because he lacks life experience.

So the bottom line to all of this is the amount is coming down for the past due stuff and that's good. However there are things to be done about housing that will not happen this semester unless a specific job comes forward and it might and that would be great. I do not see how this is going to change anything for my kid though in terms of making things better financially however that needs to be a life lesson I need to stay out of.

One thing I did say to the financial counselor I was talking to yesterday is my kid is coming back at me with the attitude of "I'm better than you because I am in college" umm .. no .. I want better for you .. so you are in college .. that doesn't mean you are better than me .. when you have your crap together and there is no drama and trauma the rest of us are being pulled into you can talk about being better than .. however you better make sure that high horse you are on doesn't make your butt look big. (My personal thoughts .. nothing I verbalized out loud .. LOL)

You live a life you can tell me how to live until then darling child of mine .. it is really better to keep mouth shut, ears open, and keep that mind open as well.

Sooo .. I will pay 200$ towards the outstanding balance .. no more .. he will have to clean the rest of it up. I told him he will have to have a conversation with his dad about the remaining amount .. I will have a conversation when the amount needed is WAY less than it is now with my mom. He can come live at home and take online courses should the housing situation not workout. He will work full time during this time and save money towards next years stuff .. the good news is that he will be able to have enough money to move off campus or on based upon housing next semester and I don't need to be involved .. that will be for him to deal with and workout. I also explained he will NOT call me at work on breakdown mode .. he needs to make an emergency appointment with one of his 10 counselors .. if he has a problem with what I have said (and there was a lot about classes and costs) do not come argue with me .. go directly to the right people. He can call me at work if blood, broken bones or hospital visits are involved .. however if he needs to contact me at work it will be through text and he will ASK me when a good time for ME is. He will not assume that it's all about him and his next fire that needs to be put out because not my mess. Please let me know when I need to be available for move out and where he's moving too so that we know what time to be out as I have no truck until about 1230 and the only thing going in that truck is the bigger items that won't fit in my car.

This is where we are and I did leave him on block .. I checked to make sure I wasn't ignoring something important however he was wise and left me alone for the rest of the day .. and I just text a lot of information this AM.

I feel good in my choices although he won't be happy that I'm not rushing in to clean everything up.

Sigh .. I am so very done at the moment .. I would take a 5 year vacation with my life on pause a hot cabana boy and someone else making all of my decisions for a bit .. good decisions .. nothing life altering.

Hugs S :)

PS - if I didn't keep my humor I would be in tears so I am grateful that has stuck around .. lol.





__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 806
Date:

(((((Serenity)))))

Like Jill, I too, thought that your post "read" like an addict's life/requests... child-like behaviors.

I admire the way you are handling this. It is so darn hard to "turn off" the mother bear feelings! Even when we know that doing so will be the best thing for our kids!
Yes, your kid is pushing your boundaries. But I see you standing firm in them. Will there be some fallout because of that? Maybe. But whose fault is that? You got it! Your kiddos! You know this. He has yet to accept this.
Continue staying strong. Let guilt wash away. It has no place here. Think about the mother bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest... will that baby bird fall to the ground, or spread it's wings (like mama has been showing him) and fly? Nature knows best. You do too!

I "hear" your frustration, but you are doing the right thing by your eldest right now.

Wishing you Peace this week, Serenity!

Peace & Love



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Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 779
Date:

While it is certainly different with a child, in looking at boundaries, I have a very different view than most. When I have established what I call "proper and appropriate" boundaries, they have always worked. Now, when saying they always "worked" -- that may mean different things to different people -- but for me, my goals, my objectives, what I was looking to accomplish, they in fact always worked.

I take for granted my boundaries will be ignored. I take for granted they won't be respected or honored. I know this. Why? Because I established them, implemented them, and enforced them -- me -- not the other person. How and why would they honor and respect them? By design and by nature -- it is not what the other person wants, so why would they simply acquiesce and honor them. Sure, they could, but when dealing with a opposing views, wants, desires, etc. -- it's not what they want. Thus, while I don't expect it, project or predict, I am prepared -- because I am healthy -- and I take for granted my boundaries will not be respected or honored, hence, they will be ignored.

So, not to oversimplify, I do what I do. I do what my boundary states. When my special needs nephew does not honor my boundary, I let the school nurse know what I am willing and able to do. However, she now knows not to "feed into" my nephew's "drama" and manipulation. In dealing with a child, and when my daughter was growing up, my boundaries had an element of discipline -- for me -- in that there were things I would and would not do, and times, conditions, etc., that I would and would not do them.

Bottom line -- with children, it's never easy, LOL.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3136
Date:

Thanks all,

I think looking back on the situation today I wish I had done these boundaries sooner than later .. only because I am getting caught up in the roller coaster of my kids ups and downs. This really is a case of policing my own behavior and not really my kids. For me this helps me differentiate my feelings and what my kid is going through .. the business about calling me at work hysterical and proceeding to argue with me over this and that .. that is not ok and I DO need to protect myself from that kind of drama. It is very much like my XAH .. cause massive amounts of chaos so that the real issue can't be addressed. I lived this for 17 years .. soooo not doing this again .. I'm over it.

This is where we are at right now.

Kiddo is coming home for this next semester .. the sad part is he didn't get the job he interviewed for and I didn't expect him to .. he has zero experience and I really don't think he would actually be up for it. He had already set his schedule (at my insistence indirectly) for online courses this is something I had suggested when this first came about however I do believe it was the financial counselor who pushed that direction as well. He worked with the FA counselor and was able to get a BUNCH of costs reduced (funny what happens when a college really wants their money/quota of students) .. like going from 2k down to 400$. I was super clear when I spoke to the FA .. I'm not paying for this and good luck getting it out of kid. It's not going to affect me. (I know I'm a terrible person however some of these tactics on the schools part are predatory and I'm afraid based upon the current climate it's only going to get worse. What I am directly witnessing at this point with my kid.) I did NOT put my name on ANYTHING regarding financial for the college.

Kiddo is not happy about coming home and we are going to have to talk over the weekend about appropriate house rules. I don't want to police the kiddo .. not the name of the game .. again .. chaos outside of the house .. don't bring it home. I am so stressed at work right now I can't begin to tell you all of what is going on however suffice to say everything will workout .. I'm just so stressed people are commenting on how tired and drained I look .. LOL .. it's like thanks .. everyone likes to hear they look like crap .. LOL.

I have some goals for kiddo .. first and foremost .. I am going to be selfish and get time in with kid .. early mornings .. walking and working out .. it will be good for both of us. Second .. driver's license .. it's time and I am willing to pay for a cheap beater of a car for him to practice in as well as take his test. He will have a car available for when he comes home on the weekends, work, as well as something reliable enough to get to and from school .. NOT for driving around town (5k miles monthly not going to work). I am also not putting gas in it although I will pay for insurance until said time of summer where kid can pay for that as well as his portion of the cell phone bill. I do think that's important to take some ownership of bills.

Kid will have own personal goals about the hormones and transition as well as schooling. So I think that is more than enough to get started .. I know this is super hard on kiddo at the moment and it's no walk in the park for me either. And we will be meeting on different turf.

So we will see how things go over the next semester as to what will happen moving forward.

Anyway .. all is good and kiddo will be picked up tonight and we will be getting everything back home.

Here's to a new day tomorrow.

Hugs S :)



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 806
Date:

This sounds good and appropriate. Not easy, mind you... but working on the problem, letting him "own" his stuff, helping you to continue with your life, AND reducing the amount of time (yours) taken away from younger sibling.

Kudos.

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 866
Date:

Hi serenity. I have absolutely nothing useful to add to these brilliant replies that you got, so I thought I would just weigh in and give you a support hug and tell you I relate. My missing brother was famous for calling me at work. So I texted him my work mornings and my hours and do not call me during those hours on those days. Daughter got it the first time around. But I had to just keep refusing his calls and I would text him afterwords and say opps. you called during those no call hours and there are no exceptions unless you are In a emergency state and even then the best I can do is call our cousin. I had to just keep refusing his calls. Now he gets it. He calls later on in the afternoon when he knows that I am off. Kids and younger siblings can really pull at your last nerves at times but I love the way you are standing your ground and your sense of humor is amazing. I have seen you under fire before and you never seem to lose your sense of humor. I have always said if I could not find something funny in life situations , It would have beaten me down into the ground by now. Sending you hugs of support

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 461
Date:

"This really is a case of policing my own behavior and not really my kids"
I can relate to that statement. When I find myself reacting, frantic, stressed, and focusing on someone else's stuff even when its my grown kid, I know that I need to turn the spotlight inwards and focus on what I am doing. I to was being drawn into chaotic situations while at work. Now my phone stays tucked in my purse and I avoid looking at it until my shift is over as I simply cant focus when my head is swirling with drama. Take care.

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