Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Meeting with HR

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

TT - I would suggest the following....

1. Take your program, tools and HP with you.

2. There is no harm/shame in asking for an agenda for the meeting so you can adequately prepare.

3. Keep it business/professional - the QTIP comes to mind.

4. Seek to understand and hear what's up - vs. to be understood/heard.

5. Focus on the facts of the job, the business and your value to the company.

6. Remember acceptance - we don't have to like it but we do have to accept it.

7. Document, document and document more - the meetings, the attendees, etc.

That's what popped into my head. We are powerless over others - esp. a boss in the workplace. Practice the pause before responding and use those I statements we talk about so often.

(((Hugs))) - you got this!!!

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Cyberhugs and a prayer (((tt))).

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Ohhh I can't add any more then the above poster said, but just that I'm sending you good energy...I would , also, ask for meeting agenda so I could prepare...and I would go into it with a positive attitude, confidence in myself that, like you said, you have done NOTHING wrong...we have the tendency to think the worst when these things occur, but MAYBE, just MAYBE they (HR) will be aware of this B**ch and her absolute poisonous work ethic and some relief for you.....i sure hope so.........sending support HUGSSSSS

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you positive energy. I remember when I accused my old boss of harassment and I was super scared of what HR was going to say. It was his word against mine. I do hope you get resolution and I will be praying for you!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you heaps of support TT. I agree with Iamhere's suggestions. Professionalism personified. Don't let her rattle you nor take on the larger than life role her narcissism requires. I would also take impeccable grooming for confidence ( and oneupmanship to be perfectly honest. meow, lol). makes me so mad when people are such witches! (((TT)))

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel you are very smart in knowing you'll need a good reference one day. No burned bridges.
Everyone before me had great ESH.

So consider a prayer for you tonight!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks ((((everyone)))) for sharing your es&h, support and suggestions. I did have a one to one meeting with HR yesterday and was shown an agenda. I said that my main objective was to get my training and duties of the job clear and to have enough work and own processes. This is not going to come easily. My boss will need to be forced to turn some things over to me but I think HR wants to help in that regard. HR said more meetings could happen if needed. I left there feeling understood and hopeful of a better outcome as far as the workload anyway.

My boss continues to act out despite this upcoming meeting. The insinuations, snide remarks basically the passive aggressive behavior continues. I am keeping my side of the street clean. I'm practicing detachment. She could be trying to get me to react intentionally right before this meeting occurs. She really likes to play mind games and do things that let me know that she has power over me as my boss. Well you know friends, it's not forever. And I'm pretty sure the new person she hired is just using this job as a placeholder until the right interview comes along. It would serve my boss right to be left sitting in her own stuff. More will be revealed. The saga, drama continues. I'm confident in this HR rep as a fair person and I trust my God will be taking care of me. I'll come through this ok. I'm so grateful for this program to lean on and even more grateful to all of you for your love and support. You know how it can be sometimes when you are just to close to the situation to think straight. I'll prepare and I'll keep it simple and I'll let you guys how how it all works out. Thanks for those prayers. I sure feel I need lots of them right now. TT

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

TT, thank you for the update! I am so glad to hear that the meeting went well and the HR person is supportive of your goals. Let's face it, your goals are quite reasonable to any rational person! Perhaps this situation has been sent to let you practice those Al-Anon skills, so by the time the situation passes, and it will, you will be an Al-Anon Olympic Champion!

-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 31st of July 2018 09:20:20 PM

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Freetime...it looks like HR is "on to her" perhaps and is going to support you....just, like you said, keep your side of the street clean...detachment from her is a must...I would just do my job...go by the book....do my best...let to the rest....if you don't engage with her, she can't do much....Looks to me like she is trying to get you to act out/react n a negative way to use that against you.....let her keep making bad karma while you stay detach and make good karma....what goes around may just come around sooner than you think...........sending HUGE positive energy

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TT))) - prayers and positive thoughts continue. I still believe you got this! Just keep doing you - One Day at a Time! (((Hugs)))

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope it goes well.

I find things always get worked out better when I stick with Principals before Personalities.

The moment I start taking things personal, my clarity goes out the window. When I stick to the principles it is far easier for others to help work through it with me. This makes me think of Tradition 1 as well - "our common welfare", and that means, when sticking to the requirements of the job, that we are all performing to the best of abilities to get the required tasks completed at the office to meet the company's goals.

One final tidbit I always took with me when trying to work through conflicts with other colleagues or employees: "What you think of me is none of my business." I take my inventory on a situation and I make sure I come to the table with clean hands - their perceptions of me don't matter if I feel honestly and truly like I'm doing my absolute best without any hidden hostile agendas.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the documentation. I had to do that with my last job. It is taxing mentally to have to do that, but you have to protect yourself. Positive thoughts and prayers for you.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I only have a moment but want all of you to know your wisdom and support is so appreciated. I am feeling so spent. I'm at work and will thank each of you later I promise. Yesterday she drove me to tears. Honestly, I could have kicked myself for it. I needed to step away to regroup. Like expected she is acting out as the meeting draws closer. I have some documentation but want to primarily focus on documentation concerning work. She apologized for the behavior. She had gotten loud and was trying to give others the impression I was giving her a tough time. After I left and returned, l said loud enough but not angrily that I had no idea why she would speak to me that way when I hadn't said anything at all to her and that and that she had really upset me and that now I'm having trouble concentrating on the work I have to do. Coworker later told me, you don't have to do that we all know what she is about. We have been here much longer. Will keep you updated. Thank you, big hugs for all the encouragement. TT

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TT))) - positive thoughts continue.....you've got this even when you are not sure you do! Prayers too sweetie!

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Ack! Sorry to hear about that, TT!!

Iamhere is right, you DO have this!!!

Detach & breathe, detach & breathe, detach & breathe...

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

PosiesandPuppies wrote:

Detach & breathe, detach & breathe, detach & breathe...

100% agree with PnP here.....detach and breathe REAL deep and slow and feel the air going into your stomach and allow all that oxygen to refresh you..Coworkers know what she is about...thats big...thats real big...so HR does not?? They MUST know what a useless non contributer she is..She needs to be booted..Hope that happens for your sake, OR you get transferred to a saner place..Please keep us updated...all of us are sending you positive energy......

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TT))) This sounds very positive and I hope you have felt some relief. Exposing a bully is the only way I would know of to stop the bad behavior. I would continue to offer questions and phrases when she is inappropriate... "why do you say that?" "are you aware your raising your voice?" "please explain what you mean by that" "are you feeling ok?" The last one may not apply, as she is clearly not feeling ok!

Please keep us posted! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

OK... it was awful. I prayed this morning and I let her have it when it was my turn. All those wonderful suggestions from all of you... went out the window. My boss been interacting with the HR rep for the past few days. It was work related and unrelated to me but I'd never seen this happen between them in the whole time I've been there and I began to wonder if my boss was trying to make points with this HR rep by helping her with something. I decided to Keep an Open Mind and just go to the meeting and keep my side of the street clean.

We were asked by the HR person who would like to speak first. HR then asked me if I would like to speak first. My boss seconded it. I insisted my boss go ahead. The more she talked the more nauseated I felt because I knew her words and actions didn't match how she comes off away from the eyes and ears of HR. My boss said I didn't respect them as a boss and cited a communication problem and was coy and condescending and rehearsed. My boss came from that stance of it all somehow being some sort of thing where we just didn't understand one another. My boss didn't bring any documentation but then there was no need because they have lots of access to this person at management meetings and over the last fews days in particular when they were interacting. The HR person even showed up at my boss' desk to have a discussion.

I think the only suggestion I took from all of you was that I brought lots of documentation based on facts. It got very ugly. When it was my turn despite wanting to not address my boss' abusive behavior, I did anyway. I called it as I saw it. It angered me that my boss spoke to me the way they had this week and that it was such a set up and I felt so afraid of not being believed that it had me in tears. It angered me that in order to keep the peace I was going to have to throw myself under the bus. I know we say in this program Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? LOL so many of us answer both. In this case of course it was a matter of bs ing my way through the meeting to buy more time and keep my job. I'm sorry but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hide what she had done and go back and play for another day. I told. I was frustrated and angry over all of it, all the mistreatment. It culminated in this last act of abuse by her which she had tried in order to set me up as a troublemaker. I called my boss as I saw them and they were shocked that I would have the nerve, denied it all, played my tears off as confusion about the assignment I was working on and having been stuck. It was a lie and I said it was a lie. I said my boss had showed up to work in a bad mood and then dumped on me because they felt they could get away with it and then tried to make it appear to others that I was giving my boss trouble. It went on an on folks. Pick your favorite dysfunctional behavior and my boss displayed it. The next move on their part was to play the victim and say they feared coming to my desk for discussion of anything. I met this by telling the HR person and my boss that my boss was projecting onto me the very behavior that they exhibited with me. My boss went on to say they feared me and thought I "hated" them. This is where I was suppose to react to the manipulation and say it isn't so. I sat and watched the drama instead and said nothing. I went on to say the nasty behavior my boss displayed this week towards me was the same behavior that led to a full blown case concerning the two of us in which others who'd witnessed it were brought in to discuss what they knew and saw. (My boss was sent to boss classes as a result) My boss went on to discuss my need for privacy as greater than anyone she'd ever worked with. If you've been following this, there is no need for me to say anything further. And since HR knew how my boss had intruded on so many levels, I chose not to respond to this at all. My boss claimed to not have had trouble with anyone whom she'd worked with before. The liar meter rang the bell on that one with HR I'm sure. My boss said they felt I preferred to work alone and not as a team. My resume would clearly indicate otherwise at all workplaces. Again, no need to respond to this. That's plenty on the behaviors topic. There was much more but you get the gist.

We went on to discuss the work. I'd documented for a month and could clearly show large gaps of time without work. My supervisor claimed it was a slow time of year. Given the nature of the work, that insulted the HR rep's intelligence and mine. It was suggested by HR that my boss find some work for me. My boss said they couldn't given how work is done in the dept. HR asked me if there was something I could offer. I said that my boss had not sat and discussed with me what they do and that although I know they are very busy, if they did; I might be able to offer something based on what they shared with me about their work. My boss had an angry smirk on her face as if I was trying to undermind her. I was not, I meant it. My boss went on to attack my work because I mentioned being dismayed by being told to do the same things in different ways from one time to the next. I asked for a consistent way of fulfilling tasks. My supervisor called out mistakes they felt I was making and I called out lots of damage control I had been asked to do because they'd failed to instruct me correctly in the first place. I went for the jugular because I became infuriated by the manipulation and called out how one thing in particular would affect the organization as a whole. I mentioned that I was instructed incorrectly but yet would be left with accountability for it. My boss then replied sarcastically, thank you for your concern. It had reached the point of my not really caring anymore about the outcome of employment. I know who I am and my work ethic. I have catered to my boss' insanity for months and hoped if I could keep it together maybe just maybe there would be another opportunity for me with this employer. When my supervisor lied about how she had spoken to me this week and basically was trying to gaslight me, I turned to HR and said this is not going to work and I got up to leave. She asked me nicely to please sit down.

HR said the job didn't seem like it was meant to be full time and asked if I could do part time. I said I could not afford to do that. HR asked my boss if they would have any objection in sharing me with another dept. They did not have any objection. HR asked my boss to check with a specific dept. to see if I could work for them part of the time. The dept. falls under my supervisor's boss' area. HR asked if that would be ok with me. I said it would depend on the work and if it was work that was reflective of the job title I have. I suggested a transfer to another full time position like my own and mentioned one that was available. My boss gleefully said it sounded like a good position for me and much more fun. Hmmm didn't my boss imply I was a loner?? It was left off with trying to place me partly with my current boss and partly with another. My boss had a meeting with hers before leaving. I guess we'll see what happens.

I later emailed the HR rep to thank her for the meeting. I apologized for my frustration at the meeting. I said that despite being baited I should have stuck with logic. I sent proof of a work process that was discussed by using a sceen shot and explained my point clearly. I promised not to email the HR rep with anything else that was discussed but concluded with requesting a transfer to a full time job like my own for another department where my skills an talents could be utilized. This HR rep knows that I have applied to a particular job and it's still opened. The dept. the HR rep suggested to my boss is part of that that dept. I thanked them for doing what they could to help me keep a job with the organization and reiterated that I wanted to contribute to this organization.

I know a lot of this doesn't look like recovery but maybe things needed to be said. Maybe I will have a chance somewhere else internally, maybe I will find myself looking for a new job elsewhere but I was true to myself and at peace with it. Thank you for letting me share with you and for your love and support. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 3rd of August 2018 09:29:58 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((TT))))

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Luv ya ((((bud))) ty

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TT)) Good work my dear

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you TT. You called the bs and now you wait for the outcome, which is out of your hands. That is where the program side of waiting and cultivating acceptance,kicks in, in my experience. Objectively, I see nothing wrong with the meeting and I am so glad you referred to the documentation that you had taken. The acceptance part comes now, accepting that you chose to stand up for yourself, that you were within your rights to do so, and that the outcome of all these events is out of your hands. Get close to your HP now, whatever happens next will be as it is meant to be. Put some good self-care in there,too.... food and enough sleep, a nice movie? (((TT)))

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

I love what A41 says...My thoughts exactly...You spoke your truth...now its outcome time and outcome is not in your power....whatever happens will, in the end, be beneficial to you as you put out good energy....at SOME point this boss will self destruct....Lord, I hate people like this who are in managerial positions and are just horrific to work for and with.....I just left someone like her and I am sooo at peace...I had no replacement client at the time and was really worried about $$$, but my sanity came first and I WALKED....I know..I had other clients, but i was at low income to begin with....but my peace and serenity and mental stability came first....i just quit and put my resume out there, letting outcome go, and I found replacement...I'm still "down" about 2 days a month, but I'll be OK because I am OK and my energy i put out is good so good will return to me....AS IT WILL YOU!!!! Your HP will see to that.......Time to take care of you...let the outcome to your HP....hard, but make yourself detach now....so sorry you had to go through this

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((TT))))))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TT))) - your post reminds me of the Just for Today! Your week was a challenge (nice wording....I could say more but it wouldn't be polite), and you are through the work portion, that which is causing you pain. Let it all go and just do you for the weekend! Yesterday is already the past and good, bad or indifferent, it's there for learning only. Trust your growth, your program, your processing and your HP - I still say that you got this whatever this ends up to be! (((Hugs)))

Overcome · Senior Member

TiredTonite, I feel your pain, and have been in your shoes with more than one boss in my lifetime.
My best advice is that of St. Augustine that P&P shared:

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself."

Aline · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey, (((tt))), I too hope you get some quality rest and peace of mind. I think you handled the meeting well. It was a crazy situation, its like dealing with an alcoholic...

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks ((((((((((((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))))))))))) I just wanted you to know that I emailed a letter of resignation this morning while at a two week temp assignment. I have been doing contract work for a few years now and had been contacted with this assignment. I had not accepted but just showed up this morning and they gladly took me on board.

What a difference to wake up to freedom from obsession and fear of what this crazy boss might do today. This contract work doesn't pay much but they are always nice and appreciative and you feel like you are making a worthwhile contribution. It affects kids and their future. So it was good to be back there while I continue my search for a permanent job. I have serenity again whew! My boss texted me this morning, didn't even say who they were and asked if I was coming in. I didn't respond. I resigned through Human Resources who will give my boss the good news. I didn't realize how much I was hurtin until I let go. Funny, I don't feel afraid for my future now because of not having this well paying job and the benefits any longer. I feel like I was given my life back. Bf says he is so glad to have me back lol It was just this awful depressing energy that had overtaken me from the nonstop pushing down by my supervisor. It's good to be free of that. Yay me! biggrin Thanks to all of you for loving me until I could love myself enough to let go. (((hugs)))) TT

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

tiredtonite wrote:
I didn't realize how much I was hurtin until I let go. Funny, I don't feel afraid for my future now because of not having this well paying job and the benefits any longer. I feel like I was given my life back.

*********************************
WAAAAAY 2 GO!!!!!!! so proud of you and programme is lookin good on you...AND this job is a reference..a re-boot of your career....this will lead to others, I know......and yea, like when my A brother had this rotten tooth, you almost get used to it till you pull the damned thing out and then you notice...yea, there is a hole, and its kinda scary, but NO PAIN....no awful smell......just a renewal ..a chance to do/be something new........WHAT courage!!!! LOVE it....sending you BIG polar bear sized hugs of encouragement...you are a shining example of what program can do for those who work it with honesty and willingness and openess to change.....

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TT))) - you got this girl.....you know how to find me!!

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Yesss! TT, I am so happy for you. I knew there was a better situation just waiting for you. Congratulations on taking care of you!

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

TT, I'm sorry you had to go through such an amount of angst, and I'm very proud of you for coming to the conclusion you did, and for taking care of you :) wp

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TT)) I am soo happy for you Good work

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

TT, as you wee enduring these challenges I was reminded of the old rule that I learned in business that is:The boss is always right and the next is even when they are wrong the boss is always right," Glad you handled the situation as you did

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

((((TT))))
It was good to read that you decided to grab the bull by the horns and take that leap of faith! I could actually read your relief in your words!
Keep working your program... it looks great on you!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for sharing how you're taking care of yourself. And thank you for speaking about your trust in your Higher Power. :)

One door closes, another opens!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you! I bet you do feel so relieved. Keep us posted!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Big hugs TT .. I have been following and very happy that things came to a resolve .. I think what comes to mind is sometimes things need to get different before getting better. I'm so happy for you!!! Big hugs :)

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Hi Everyone ,

Thanks for all the best wishes. The HR rep who was mediator is know

oownow contacting me for an exit interview by phone. I didn't give two weeks notice and wonder if there would really be anything in it for me. I didn't do anything to deserve to lose my job. My boss tormented me withheld work and in the final meeting with hr it was decided that my job looked to be meant o be part time. Despite my boss insistence that they personally had no work to give me, HR put them in charge of finding me some with another dept. This is a person who has withheld work be cause she was reported so I couldn't take this any longer after the volatile HR meeting and just didt go back. Is there. Any way I can get a reference from this company in exchange. Just wondering what would be my incentive to do an exit interview thanks for you insights TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene