Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

NorthernGal88 · Newbie

New here... Need some advice, can't reach out to friends or family

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP NorthernGal - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I'll answer your last question with a No, not that I've ever seen - if one is an alcoholic, they can not then become a social drinker. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and is cunning, baffling and powerful. Typically, it's full of denial and the last person to recognize an issue is the drinker. Alcoholism is also considered a family disease as almost everyone who lives with or loves an alcoholic is affected. The questions you ask - part of how we're affected - we have our own denial and/or we have some distorted thinking and perceptions that are often caused by this disease in others.

If one decides to get sober, AA is one recovery program. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Nobody but the drinker can make that choices and many of us have certainly tried - we've begged, pleaded, fought, threatened, etc. and yet even when faced with losing everything, often the disease 'wins' until one hits their bottom. Keep in mind, their bottom may be vastly different than what another would think or experience...

Al-Anon is for friends and family affected by the drinking in another. You are welcome to attend whether he's in recovery or not. This is where I found my support for how this disease affected by family and it was awesome. We work on our own recovery in Al-Anon, and avoid giving advice. It's a judgement free zone and attendees share their own experience, strength and hope so others may consider what/if applies to their circumstance.

I do encourage you to look around for local meetings, and attend a few. Nobody understands better what we feel than others who've experienced living with this disease or loving someone who has it. I hope you also keep coming back here - welcome to the MIP family!!

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Northern Gal and welcome to the family and board. I will not attempt to expand on what IamHere has given she has the ESH that can and does help others to find peace of mind and serenity. I can come from other angles having been born and raise in the disease and marrying into it again and again until I also found the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups willingly and on purpose. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what this, my disease was all about; a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence which didn't occur because I wanted it to only because the alcoholic/addict did and sought help often in spite of me.

In early recovery it was suggested to me to go to meetings, get literature (lots of it), participate in Al-Anon functions, and more. On suggestion I got a sponsor who also led me into college so that I could come to understand what I was up against and along with all of the other supports am and was glad I did. This disease is registered as an incurable disease, often fatal by the American and British Medical Associations. So now I was in deep about how much power and how much of a chance I had at winning the battle it had over me. I was born and raise in it and it influenced every part of me...mind, body, spirit and emotions. I have reached the near death experience from it before learning that the best justification I had to continue living was just because I wanted to and could.

Many many other things have come into my life in order that I could continue to live and want to. I became a family therapist on all age levels and a therapist for alcoholics and addicts also the same. I've learned a lot and just one that I have is affected by the statement you have made (many often do also) that the alcoholic in your life is "functional"...there is no such thing. I use to ask the wives and other relatives I counseled that "If he is so functional...why are you here"? That isn't a put down...it is a thought force. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence...I couldn't find anything functional in that when married to my alcoholic/addict.

Please keep coming back, reading and following suggestion as they are presented. The family here are all trying to make strides is recovering from the affects of someone else's addiction...you can do it with us.

there are twice daily meetings at this site that you can participate in actively or passively and they are powerful. I hope you do. We will remain in support of you and your alcoholics recovery. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I am sorry that his drinking has brought you here, but it is THE place to be to get support... b/c you will need it.
One of the things that frustrated me when I first joined is I wanted help dealing with my addicted husband... Al-Anon members do not give advice... so that frustrated me. But I was so hopeless that I stayed, regardless of what I was reading. I found that the stories are much the same. I was not alone! These people understand the day to day struggles!
As I began to absorb and read (everything), I came to understand the disease of addiction (as best as any layperson can). It is baffling, cunning, insidious. All the conventions by which you learned growing up do not apply to an addicted person. You have to learn a different way of living with, or dealing with people afflicted with this disease. I began to see that members here share THEIR experience, strength and hope (ESH). From those shares, I was able to eventually formulate what I was going to do about the problem I faced. Not how to change my spouse... but how to change ME!

Because the first thing you learn here are The 3 C's: You can't Change it, You can't Control it, and you certainly can't Cure it! To think you can do any of those three is a one-way trip to insanity. I know, I've walked that path.

Congratulations on becoming a mother! Now you have an added reason to learn how to "be" (or not) in a relationship with an alcoholic... YOU will be everything for your child... b/c you are the healthy one. Learning all you can about addiction (regardless of substance) will be key... b/c as is often heard on these boards and others, "How can you tell if an addict is lying? Their lips are moving!" There is a reason for this statement. Believe me. Better yet, get educated and believe yourself!!

Wishing Peace, love, and a happy pregnancy!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Northern, and always nice to have a fellow Canuck on here :)

I don't think I can add a whole lot to the great responses you have already received, other than to say - my first instinct when reading your post is that deep down, you know the answers to most of the questions you are answering....

There is a great old saying - "he's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?". I love that one, as it reminds us to take our focus off of our A's and their behaviors, and focus instead on ourselves and our dependants. Getting yourself healthy, via this Board, finding safe people to reach out to, Al-Anon meetings & literature, etc., are all great & positive steps in you doing just that....

Take care

Tom

Tude · Senior Member

Hi northern. I hope you'll keep coming back and also find some face to face meetings. With a baby on the way, you can face things that arise from the A with knowledge about how alcoholism effects all of us that are in relationship with the A. Congratulations and so glad you are here. I wish I had been in the program when I was pregnant. I see so much I would have handled differently and yet.........I am here today and that's what counts.
If your hubby has been through treatment, he knows he is supposed to go to meetings. Did he ever go after he got out of rehab? Alcoholism is a progressive disease. There's a saying that when an alcoholic misses meetings/recovery work etc.......it's like an elephant lifting weights......the elephant (disease of alcoholism) is still lifting weights and growing while the alcoholic is not. It's waiting. It's progressive and it doesn't go away on it's on. In here, we learn how to care for ourselves. I'm learning how to separate my own life from AH so that alcohol is not the center of attention. It's insidious in how it effects all who are involved

Glad you're here and hope you keep coming back.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

NorthernGal88 wrote:
Hi there! I'm recently registered... looking for some advice from people that may have been in similar situations. I don't want to ask any close friends or family, hoping I might get some feedback here.
A quick history... back in 2014 my husband went to rehab for drug and alcohol addiction. He had gone through a period of about 6 months of very heavy drinking, which escalated into drug use and multiple affairs. Prior to this, he was a social drinker who had been known to get into some bar altercations and fights when drinking. During this 6 month period, I would say he was very much a functional alcoholic... would go to work everyday and perform well, come home, drink all night in the garage and then go to sleep (10-12 beers a night maybe). He became very verbally abusive and mean, shut off from the family. Eventually things came to a head when I caught him having an affair and he admitted to having a problem - went to a clinic for a month and came home.
After that he abstained from drinking for probably about a year, and eventually picked it up again in social settings, I think it made him uncomfortable not to drink around his friends and out at dinners etc. Slowly, that got out of hand again until he became verbally abusive and, one night, physically. He stopped for awhile, and then...picked it up again. Repeat pattern a few more times.
I recently found out I was pregnant, and as a solidarity sort of thing, asked if he could stop drinking because I couldn't. He agreed, but then a few days later says he never recalls making that promise. For the past couple months, he has been more heavily drinking on his days off; mostly by himself while doing chores around the house. He says he likes to be able to have a beer on a hot summer day while working outside. While I do understand this, and am appreciative of how much work he gets done outside (he really is productive).. he often will stay outside working until 9 or 10 at night on the weekends, then come inside to have a meal and instantly pass out/fall asleep, to do it again the next day. He hasn't gotten "mean"... but I'm concerned about the pattern hes getting into. I'm worried that if I bring it up he'll get defensive and it'll turn into a fight. I know he's ultimately the one that has to make the decision, I've tried telling him not to drink before, and it just ends up with a lot of fighting and resentment. So my question is.. what would you do? Am I overreacting? Can a former alcoholic transition into a casual drinker without it becoming a problem?

Welcome...for the newcomer/beginner, this can be extremely overwhelming; perhaps the most overwhelming situation we've ever faced. Having a loved one suffer from the disease -- and yes, it is a disease -- of alcoholism is scary. It is very serious and not something to be trivialized, rationalized, etc. When you go to face to face alanon meetings in your area -- everyone you will see, at one time, was a beginner/newcomer, just like you! You can and will learn from their experience. As a newcomer/beginner, many of us have learned that we did so much of the same things -- things that you have tried, did, etc. -- and how it is in fact an exercise in futility. Why? Because as you said -- it is up to him! The alcoholic will NOT stop drinking, UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Period. I too tried the solidarity thing, LOL. It was denial, just another effort for me to try and get my wife to stop drinking. I rationalized, vacillated, justified what I was doing -- because I was doing a "good thing" -- but in the end, it didn't work. No matter what I did, it never worked.

All the talk, promises, negotiations, tricks, efforts, everything and anything we try fails -- and from their end, the words, promises, conversations, excuses, blame, guilt, and everything else they do, is simply the black and white aspect of the disease. Either they will stop/quit and get better, or they won't. So, you asked a few questions, and that is just the beginning.

What do you do? Well there's a lot to do -- go to face to face meetings, as many as you can and as often as you can. Find a sponsor and start talking to him/her, working with him/her, learning, making change, etc. Start working the program, implementing the various things you will learn, start making changes -- in your behavior, your thinking, attitudes, actions, reactions, and more. You have a lot to do! It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it.

Are you overreacting? No, in my opinion, not at all! Your "concerns" are real, valid, and appropriate. But your reactions may not be. It is important to understand and distinguish the difference. It is hard to do as a newcomer/beginner. However, as you learn, things will get easier and life will get better. YOUR life.

Your last question..."Can a former alcoholic transition into a casual drinker without it becoming a problem?" The answer is NO. Because there is no such thing as a former alcoholic. An alcoholic is an alcoholic and will always be an alcoholic. They can be clean and sober, in recovery, and living a normal, healthy life...but they are still an alcoholic. An alcoholic can be clean and sober, going to AA meetings for 40 years...and they are still an alcoholic. That said, an alcoholic cannot be like everyone else and be a casual drinker...because they aren't like everyone else! They have a disease. You may not think they do, but they do. I have never met one alcoholic who can simply have a drink or two, every so often. Here's the bottom line...the alcoholic CANNOT DRINK AT ALL. Go to open AA meetings, and ask some of the people there! They will be more than happy to speak with you, educate you, and help you!

All the best.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you're here.

I really encourage getting to some face-to-face meetings. While we're supportive here on the message boards, it's helpful to develop an in-person support group - people whose faces you can see, whose phone numbers you can get and call and you can get an immediate response day or night. Face-to-face meetings often have the literature right there to purchase, as well. But I cannot emphasize enough how important those in-person relationships will be to you.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

I was advised at the beginning: Get to 6 meetings as close together as possible before you decide if the program is for you or not. If you like what you're hearing, keep attending meetings, and get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life depends on it.

Best wishes to you. Hope to see you around here, too, but ultimately I really, REALLY hope you get to some face-to-face meetings.

Fedora · Senior Member

Hi. I just wanted to add a word of encouragement. This group saved me; AlAnon work is the only thing that has kept me afloat for the past couple of years since I recognized that I'm married to an alcoholic. Just knowing that you aren't alone, that your partner didn't invent this behavior, and that there are ways to maintain your sanity when all else seems to be going up in flames - that's priceless.

As a previous poster noted, you probably know the answers to your questions. It's just a matter of whether or not you are wanting to face the truth. A counselor told me the same thing, after my AH drove my children around in the car when he was drunk. She looked me in the eye and said, "so apparently the price of your children's safety is not as high as your desire to placate your spouse". The day she made that statement, I wanted to crawl under the door and and die. Because it was true. I asked her "what's the difference between being a supportive spouse, and an enabler?" And she told me, "I think you know the answer to that".

It's very hard. And once baby is on the scene, well, you will want to have a support system. Even if you didn't have an AH spouse, I would encourage you to get a support system in place. But with one - consider it a top priority. This group is a start, but the FtF meetings will help.

Hugs,
Fedora.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"