The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for adding me. I am glad to be here. Right now I am trying to start working the steps and working on ME. I have finally admitted that this has taken over my life. I thought my husband hit his rock bottom on St. Patricks Day when the police had to be called, but after 2 months (I think) of sobriety he is now hiding beer. It is like a slap in the face every time I see it in his car. I don't know why I even look. I wish I didn't have the desire to, but I am really struggling with having a relationship with someone who is outwardly lying to my face after I explicitly said no alcohol on our property. I have 3 kids who have also been affected because they witnessed what happened on St. Patricks Day and it breaks my heart. They still talk about it and I just listen because I don't know what to say.
I have attended 2 face to face meetings, but it is so hard to get away because we do not have a ton of childcare. I know we don't give advice here, but I would love to hear from others who have stayed and maintained an intimate relationship with someone who constantly lies and hides alcohol. Thanks for listening.
Hello Michelle welcome glad that you connected and posted your concerns . We hold on line meting s here two times a day and you can find the schedule by clicking on the chat room icon above,http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html You are not alone, Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease over which we are powerless. It affects everyone it touches so that finding support from others who truly understand is essential Do keep coming back to this board as well.
I also send a welcome out to you Michelle....glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is progressive and powerful. I found a way to have my peace and serenity and stay with my AH. It's been far from perfect, but focusing on self and working the program gave me the tools I need/ed to live one day at a time.
There are no easy answers for anyone as we all have different journeys. I know some who've stayed and some who've left. What I do know is that the longer I work this program as best I can, the more I believe I can deal with and heal from. Not to say that I welcome the drama, chaos and insanity this disease brings, but I do accept it as part of the human experience and no longer fear what each day brings.
I hope you keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Greetings Michelle. I can relate to much of what you said about all the promises not to drink and then being lied to right to my face. My A, now a dry drunk (not drinking but no alcohol treatment), cannot imaging what that was like. It's a long road but health and happiness are possible with Alanon. I have 5 years in program and it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Keep coming back because you are worth it, Lyne
Aloha Michelle and I add my welcome to what you have already received from the family. All that is shared here is heart felt because we truly have been where you are at now. I found so much in Al-Anon that would result in my peace of mind and serenity including the truth that I would resist it with all of my being because when I found "the courage to change the things I could" I didn't want the consequences. I wanted my alcoholics and alcoholic/addicts as much as they wanted their mind and mood altering chemicals. I knew nothing about the chemicals and the disease including the obsessive compulsions to drink and drug. That was as strong as my obsessive compulsions to try to change and mold them that would shine a light on me. I would dream of holding them out in front of me with a grand wide smile on my face that said "this is mine...look what I DID!!". I wanna yell and scream because I got so beat up by the disease. I only laugh and cheer because of what the program did in my life.
I had excuses for not attending early Al-Anon, many of them and then when I truly came to the truth that I was insane (standing in a shopping center parking lot at 3 in the morning waiting for a space ship to find me and take me away) howzat one for you? I finally heard the lesson to start me on my recovery..."90 meetings in 90 days". I did 102 and came to understanding a little that would hold up the light to learning so very much more.
The courage to change the things I could came from getting the car keys and heading out to the next meeting and the next inspirational education...My alcoholic/addict kept getting drunk and high doing it one day at a time just like me. I thought she would die and I picked her up in the hospital and took her to therapy and preached my best and got information to the Highway Patrol when she was picked up 23152 (dui). It finally worked when I let go absolutely...let go and let God and then God used her as a metaphor for me to learn humility...being teachable. She got sober in a way that surprised me and lots of others in program.
That is the way it works for some and others. I think of her often and pray she is clean and sober. The damage ran deep...so deep. I still feel the anxiety along side of the presence of HP.
Welcome...many people here have faced exactly what you are facing, having felt exactly what you are feeling, and have seen exactly what you are seeing. I don't offer that to de-personalize what it is you are going through -- but more important to let you know that many people here HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH IT. That is simply HOPE. There is HOPE. You can get through this. You didn't say anything about leaving, staying, or anything of the like -- so I don't see any reason to complicate matters. In alanon -- there is a slogan -- keep it simple! I think more people should listen to that, LOL.
You referenced "having a relationship with someone who is outwardly lying to my face" and "stayed and maintained an intimate relationship with someone who constantly lies and hides alcohol." So, if you are asking only those who stayed married, then I will acquiesce to those who have. Being that I did not stay married, I will not answer as you are seeking answers from those who have. My marriage lasted for 10 years after my wife became an alcoholic. I made a decision to end the marriage. Not because I wanted to however. That said, all the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I have stayed with my husband but over the years the intimacy has changed in our relationship. I find that I have to be true to myself first and foremost - for me that means that if he is lying, I don't want to be too close - it undermines my self-esteem too much. As a result we have grown more honest with each other and that sometimes means that I have to speak my truth even if it makes me uncomfortable. Other times I simply have to accept that he is who he is right now and he has every right to be that way without me telling him how to behave. I found the whole thing rather counter-intuitive, my instinct is to be supportive and boost my husband's ego when he feels down. These days I simply say that I trust he can do it. I have hope for our future, but I let go of my expectations, and simply try to stay true to my sense of what is right for me.
