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Post Info TOPIC: feeling frustrated


Veteran Member

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feeling frustrated


I am feeling so frustrated today.  We had a nice day yesterday and then we tried to talk about fixing some things with the moving of "our" bank accounts to only be told that I need to earn back his trust and he needs to take things one day at a time??????   Wait a minute here, I am confused.  I thought things had been going pretty well and after the memorial day holiday he lost his mind went on a drinking binge and went on a Thursday and opened a new savings and checking account at the credit union and moved the cash to those accounts as I was home unaware and paying bills from that account.  When I went on to check what had cleared and where he might be according to what restaurant he might be drinking at, I could no longer access the account because he had changed the pass word and only left a minimum few dollars to keep the accounts open.  When he came home I informed him that I had moved the money back to allow the bills to process and he said well that will be changed tomorrow and then he went and closed both of those accounts and another account that he had a large amount of money in and moved all monies to a new account that only he has access to.  This all started in February when he cashed out his 401k and paid all of his debts off, leaving all my debts unpaid and buying a new sports bike that he loves more than anything or so it seems.   None of this is ok with me!  It shouldn't be right?  Oh and he talked me into a beast augmentation and then threw a fit at the surgeons office because there was a delay in my surgery because of the previous patient.  I was mortified and tried to back out of it and he was pissed that he would be out of the money that "he paid."  Then he has used the breast augmentation as another way to call me names and be disrespectful.  I think I am coming to a breaking point.  Its not just about the drinking.  This is bad behavior, maybe caused by the drinking I don't know.  I told him today that we are supposed to be in a marriage not living as roommates, his reply was that his focus has to be on his sobriety right now.  I feel that is a cope out and there is more to why he is hiding these accounts from me all of a sudden.  I have been paying our bills from that joint account for over 8 years never hiding or taking from that account.  I have a account that my paycheck goes into that he has full access to and I never wanted him to have this separate account to begin with but it was tolerable because we both had access to all accounts.  I don't; know who he is but I don't like him right now.  He said to me if its all about money then I need to file for divorce and that is what really pisses me off.  He always goes to divorce and then says its me who wants the divorce.  Just more games!  Thank you all for reading my post and your feedback

Kat



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Newbie

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This is awful.   He is treating you badly



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Veteran Member

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Thank you 



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Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's made decisions unilaterally. He's paid off his own debts, leaving you with yours, exposing you to liability. He wants what he wants, he wants it/everything his way, he wants to control what he wants to control, and if you don't go along with it...his response is for you to file for divorce.

No one else can tell you how to "feel" or what to "think" -- only you can say whether all of this is "right" or "wrong" so to speak. Only you can determine if this is acceptable or unacceptable. Only you can say if you are being taken advantage of and being victimized. All of this is up to you.

You are so "in it" -- it doesn't sound like you are thinking clearly. In alaon we hear that "our thinking becomes distorted" -- and perhaps that's where you are.

But, nothing changes if nothing changes. Are you "waiting" for him to change? Are you "waiting" for these situations to change?

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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Wait a second...he "talked you into" a breast augmentation. While you may have agreed to it...did you want it? Did you really want to do it, for you? Forget about him, obviously he wanted it, and talked you into it...but forgetting that...did you really want it, for you?

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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Veteran Member

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(((Mamakat71))) Iām very sorry you are going through this. Listen to your gut. Yes, it is abuse when a spouse moves the bill money to where the bill paying spouse canāt access it for the purpose of control. Telling a spouse who has never deceived, there is a requirement to earn trust back is another behavior of a controlling abuser. If these situations are occurring, why would alcoholism matter? If you see things through a different lense does anything change? Replace controlling abuser with physical abuser. The police donāt let alone someone who has physically harmed another because the one who has caused harm is struggling with sobriety. They take the person who has inflicted harm to jail. Abuse is abuse. Now, the idea of nothing changes if nothing changes absolutely applies here. One suffering from abuse must break the cycle to stop being victimized. I recommend you go to meetings and gather as much support as you possibly can by those who understand what you are going through being married to someone whose drinking is causing you problems. Alanon helped me realize what kind of chaos I was participating in. I was sure I was the victim of my AHās drinking until I realized I was making choices every step of the way. When I realized I was free to make any choice I wanted, I, for the most part, stopped the chaos for myself. Believe me, he still tries to create plenty, but i choose how I respond (or donāt respond, or walk away, or tell him to leave). Iāve also created boundaries that I require be respected. Meetings, this message board, reading and a thorough examination of my part in all of the crazy, at times hellish garbage I went through helped me to a completely different place. Do I know if my marriage will always be? No. Do I know I will be happy married to him or not? I do and I will because I am responsible for this. Oh, btw I hated the question āwhat is my part in thisā for the longest time because I thought it was accusatory or making me responsible for his inexcusable behaviors. It wasnāt until I realized it referred to the choices I made responding to him, that it became a tool and empowering (turning it back to me). A quick gratitude list makes it clear happiness is mine. I also eked my way through dark and lousy days repeating the words (and taking the actions) ābe kind to yourselfā, and ādo the next right thingā and sometimes just āturn it over to godā. If you think you are suffering abuse, contact an abuse hotline and get that squared away without hesitation. You are in charge of yourself no matter what anyone else tells you. If you feel you are stuck in the chaos created by someone elseās drinking know you arenāt alone and Alanon works. I wish you strength and the very best and brightest days ahead.

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Veteran Member

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I know that I am not clearly thinking that is the only thing I am sure of and why I am at a stand still.   The words "abuse" and "abuser" have come to my mind for sure and that makes me cringe .  You ask me if I wanted the breadt augmentatio.  Initially, we both had talked about it and it was something I was interested in.  I definitely take responsibility for going through with the procedure and no gun was held to my head.  I am physically in great shape and wanted to enhance some things at 46 so to speak.   Reading through the comments on here has me seeing some things differently for sure.   Now what  to do for me? 



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Veteran Member

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Your response has hit me in the gut the hardest.  I have known my AH since we were 16 and it grieves me to think of him as a abuser, but if I am honest with myself I have thought it before.   I have been holding onto what I dream it should be instead of accepting what is.   It's more than getting sober and I have been saying this for some time.  Others around us see it too.  I imagine myself free and  happy then I get scared.  I need to keep coming here and going to counseling and f2f meeting.  Until I make the change nothing changes.  



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Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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Kat, while I completely understand how you are feeling, and what you are dealing with, I also have empathy and sympathy for same -- and I know, and feel it, because I faced very similar situations. Many of us have. That said, I get the frustration. I really do. And aside from that, and you working the program, focusing on you...I guess my question is...where are you in all of this? What is going to change so that this entire situation doesn't: a) continue, or, b) get worse.

My sponsor, after talking to him for an hour or ten, when we were dealing with a situation -- at the end of the discussion he used to ask me a series of questions. First, he would say "Noting changes if nothing changes" -- and would ask me, what and who is going to change? He would ask what that looks like and how that happens moving forward. He would also ask me "Who are you being" -- meaning, what are my motives/check my motives. Why was I talking to her about money? About joint accounts, about what she did, undoing it, changing this back, and so on. What was I trying to accomplish? And if nothing changed, and all I got was some feedback, BS, stonewalling, etc. -- was I going to do something about it, or just accept the unacceptable behavior? My sponsor would also ask me constantly -- when I explained what I was doing -- he would would say "How did that work out for you?" And, another question he would ask is "To what end?" I am a lifer in alanon. I started going in my late 20's and still go today in my early 50's. I said, almost a quarter century ago, that I would be in alanon for the rest of my life, and here I am. I am still here today. Let me say, very clearly and without any misunderstanding...Alanon saved my life. Literally, and figuratively. However, at some point, then, now, many times throughout my life and my work in recovery....I had to take action. Not the program, not my higher power, not my sponsor, not the group...ME. I am not saying you have to do this now, or tomorrow, or should have done it yesterday. I am just letting you know, that in my experience, making change, getting better, having my situations, my life get better....called for me to take some sort of action at some point in time. I am just leaving you with that.

The talking is good, very good. You thought things had been going pretty well and then what? Drinking. He opened a new savings and checking account, moved money, changed passwords, changed access, and so on. Now, you can certainly "blame" all of those actions on the drinking, on alcoholism, etc. -- but you are the one who has to suffer the consequences. You are the one who has to deal with the ramifications of his actions. OK, so after the drinking, you and he talk, nice conversation, things go well, and so on. Next thing you know, he doesn't like something, he doesn't want something, he wants what he wants -- and what you want means nothing -- and tells you what he is going to do and says "well that will be changed tomorrow" -- and then he went and closed both accounts in question, and another account that he had a large amount of money in...and he moved ALL of it to a new account that only he has access to. So, where did the talking get you? In NJ, if you were in the middle of a divorce, what he did could be construed as "theft" -- he "stole" your money (as half of it would be yours). All of this comes after he took marital money and paid off all of his debts and left you with all of yours. Where did the talking get you?

It is very easy to rationalize, vacillate, justify, all of this behavior. It is very easy to say this is all due to his drinking, alcoholism, etc. Does that really matter? No, none of this should be OK with you. Yes, you are in a marriage, but what is he doing, contributing to the marriage, etc. While he may be focusing on his sobriety right now -- he is giving you an ultimatum...if you don't like it, then go file for divorce. I get it. So, are you waiting for him to change? You to change? What has to change here for you to be happy? You certainly can look at this as abuse -- and I think it is -- but where does that get you? Are you going to talk to him, and try to rationalize with him about the money and bank accounts, and explain to him that some people on the internet think you are being abused? Of course not. But again, to what end? What can you do for you? Not about him. I used to say, "I would be happy if she just ________________" (fill in the blank). Well, unfortunately, she never just ___________________ (fill in the blank).

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If nothing changed, is this the way you want to live?

I know you are going to face to face meetings, and I very much hope you can find a sponsor, and have someone specific to talk to, work with, confide in, get insight, experience, wisdom, and perspective from. I wish you all the best.



-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 12th of June 2018 11:30:23 AM

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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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(((Kat))) - I am sure sorry you are feeling frustrated....living with this disease and active alcoholism is too much for most of us which is where Al-Anon serves us well. I have always been told that our feelings are often real for the moment, but they are not facts. How I feel right now doesn't have to define my afternoon, evening, the next hour or even the next 5 minutes. I have tools to change when I am ready to pick them up and use them.

What we hear in recovery is that we can't live in the past or the future....our best shot at peace of mind is all about what we can do today. We are asked to keep our focus on us, one day at a time. Do something for self, one day at a time. When we obsess or fixate about anyone else, it's detrimental to our own health (mental and beyond).

I try really, really hard to stay focused on today and the Serenity Prayer. Based on what you've shared, if you no longer have access to the financial accounts to pay the bills, why not had him the bills? If they are in both names, call them up and have your name removed. In my case/story, when the disease controlled the mind of my husband, I stopped fighting everything and everyone. If we did not have the funds to pay a bill, I left the bill on the table with a note stating the facts. I didn't ask for a deep discussion on paying bills, who should pay bills, if they would be paid on time, etc. - all the things that I felt were my issues/responsibility - not so if I don't have the means.

So - questioning if this is abuse or not and if it's fair or not and if it's rational or not never, ever helped me move forward. Instead, going to a meeting, talking with a program person for ESH and looking for the facts vs. my emotional reactions helped me way more to heal. I sometimes had to act 'as if' I was helping a friend who was living my life. What would I say? How would I be of service?

If you are losing sleep over his debt, your debt, family debt, etc. perhaps talk with a professional for your state about the law. I know my state doesn't view debt/liabilities as his/hers unless they existed before the marriage AND the accounts are now and have always been separate. Find out what your rights are - that's an action step that might help you relax about some of the chaos.

What we feel is always real - there is no shame ever is what you feel. What we try to be on guard for is allowing what we feel to freeze us, distract us, destroy us or worse. I hope you're able to get to meetings and have fellowship support - that was so very helpful for me when the insanity was like a tornado daily. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs Kat,

I'm with IAM .. sometimes the behavior is what it is and the bigger question is what are YOU doing to help yourself. He's an active alcoholic that is living in insanity .. you have choices more than one .. however as I see it is to continue living "in" the insanity or not. When I say "living in" the insanity .. I actually mean participating in the crazies. Think about rationalizing with an irrational person expecting a rational response .. sometimes that irrational person is me. If you are rationalizing with an active alcoholic there are times I look back and realize that I was the crazier person than the addict because I really thought if I said the right thing did the right thing he was going to have a come to Jesus moment and stop doing his dance .. as it turns out I was his perfect partner for the crazy dance.

I continue to encourage you to get to meetings. Stop playing at victim in your own life and start owning what you can change. I totally get where you are right this second and very honestly you sound very angry and angry for all of the right reasons because this is an unreasonable situation you are living in. Do you stay stuck in anger or do you use your anger as a motivational tool to change and then let go of it. The one thing I didn't want to give my X was power over me .. YES .. I still get angry about situations that he participates in .. the whole kiddo thing .. that irritates me .. do I remain there .. NOOOOO .. why? Who am I hurting by being continually angry? Not him .. although castrating him from time to time sounds incredibly appealing .. lol .. it's not legal and thankfully I have enough of my own sense not to become a 48 Hour/Dateline story.

The healing .. that's what working the program of Alanon can offer. If you go to luv123's post .. and read some of the other long timers .. those are the people who understand how Alanon truly works and where they were and where they are now. I'm a hit and miss .. kick my program out the window and reconfigure it to work better .. that's just how I'm wired .. lol .. that's what works for me. I am so incredibly grateful for the fact I am not the person I was 7 years ago because believe me when I say I was angry, bitter and wondered why life did me wrong. Now, I laugh, I feel lots of things outside of anger, and I am happy for the most part I think at least .. maybe happier is a better way to put that.

I hear that you are angry. I hear that you feel helpless and hopeless. I do not hear that you are done yet. Trust me .. when you are done you will stop focusing on singing the hims (and I'm just as guilty of doing that from time to time as the next person because again .. sometimes HIMs really did some stupid stuff .. LOL) the him did this and him did that and start focusing on how to live a happy healthy life regardless if the A is drinking or not. Giving away all of that power was exhausting for me. I'm to selfish and self centered to continue down that path.

What I DO encourage you to do is protect yourself financially and I don't know what that looks like to you and you may not know for a while. I know you will figure it out. People who are addicts aren't stupid people .. just like people who are involved with addicts aren't stupid people .. that's why I know you have got this .. when you choose to get unglued to from the pity pot and start to value you.

Big hugs, keep coming back because if you sing the same song every day the tune will never change.

S :)

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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



Veteran Member

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Thank you for your reply.   I wish I had come back on here and read it before I lost control of myself today.   I am letting myself get so angry and giving my power of self to my AH.  I completely lost my temper and yelled and threw things even when he tried to do what he felt was right that he was comfortable with.   He gave me complete access to the checking and savings account to pay bills and I will have access to money to pay for groceries and gas as well, but to me this was not ok because it hurt my feelings that I felt like a roommate instead of a wife so I yelled and threw things.   It only made me miserable.  In the end he was able to see why I acted the way I did and we BOTH apologized.   My AH asked me if we can go to a marriage counselor.   I said yes.   I don't know what the future holds and I made a appointment for my own counseling and I am going to  a f2f meeting over the next few days.   My son is also scheduled for a counseling session as well.   I cannot control if my husband stays sober, but I can  learn to control my own actions and start to put the focus on my recovery.   

Kat



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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Kat))) - great honesty and you are so, so right! You can learn to manage/control your own actions and focus on recovery. You are not the first person (or the last) who reacted to this disease and the diseased.....it's just that painful, powerful and pitiful!

I see action and that's the best next right thing, just for today. Hang in there and know you are not alone!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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((Kat)) I agree with IAH you are not alone This disease is indeed challenging so that not reacting to the insanity and using program tools instead takes practice and defeats When we see how we feel when we react to the insanity, it is a good incentive to detach and use the tools.

I appreciate your honesty and courage

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Kat)))

Great Honesty indeed, Very Grateful you are Here...

I've Found that When I Finally throw in the Towel and Surrender, Not Only to My HP, but to the Disease, I Can find ways to Heal... And Yes, F2F Meetings ASAP in those moments def. bring me out the other Side with a Better Perspective, and for what ever reason, also helps me let go of enough Anger, Resentment, and Fear to have Clearer Thoughts...

If Works if You Work it, and Your Working it... Good For You...

Keep Coming Back...
Hugs & Prayers

Jozie :)

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

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Kat, you know, I think reacting -- once in a blue moon, as a slip, etc. -- is a good thing. For me, it keeps me grounded in my program and recovery. I slip, and I catch it immediately, I go to far though, and then I get really focused on getting back on track. I also think it's normal. I am human. Ironically, I just reacted to my daughter's mother last week. It was the first time I reacted/slipped in 18 months (with her). I caught it, but it went too far, probably about 2 minutes, and about 3 or 4 comments/exchanges too far.

I think it's a good thing, yes, it's normal, but I also think it keeps me human, keeps me remembering, knowing. I've often said the same thing about anger -- it's a good thing. Similar to the forgive, don't forget. The slip, a bit of anger, reminds me. It doesn't consume me, ruin my day. It's a minute or a few, and that's it, but in that few minutes I am able to get back on track and live my life, again, the way I have been.

In a case like yours -- it's serious. Not just a slip, but more how you are feeling. Remember, you feel what you feel. The feeling(s) is real. Cause and effect -- the cause may not be real, but the effect, the feeling is. Step one, two, and three!!! Awareness, acceptance, and action!!! Don't fight it. Embrace it. Accept it. Know that it doesn't define and can't define who you are. Surrender to it. It doesn't consume you. Then, you can let it go. That's what I do...countless times in my life! And it works for me.

All the best.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 

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